Only a small percentage of women are lesbians, DYKES, and an even smaller number of that already-small number are kinky. Your best strategy is to be out about your kinks from the start, so that you don’t waste any more of your time and vanity-inducing hotness on women who won’t tie your ass up.

And finally: FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST!

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

12.10.09

I am a 23-year-old male who has been in a relationship with a great woman for four years now. She is an amazing person, and we oftentimes talk about marriage. The issue is this: I have a foot fetish and she is fully aware of it. She doesn’t like the idea of me kissing her feet or indulging my fetish in any way. We have sex quite often, and I’ve always let it slide that she doesn’t want any part of my fetish. I don’t know what to do, because I’m at a stage in my sexual growth where I need to experience my fetish. I’m getting mixed advice from different people and I just want a straight answer. The sex we have is amazing, but I would enjoy it so much more if I could act on my desires once in a while.

Sexually Frustrated Fetishist

Here’s a straight answer: Your amazing girlfriend is an amazingly selfish lover, and I’m amazed that you’ve put up with her bullshit for as long as you have. A foot fetish is not uncommon or outrageous; as fetishes go, SFF, yours is the least taxing for a nonkinky partner. It’s not like you’re into shit or choking or Christian side hugs. Any amazing woman who truly loved you would regard indulging you as a no-brainer.

Share time: I have a good friend who’s not kinky at all - unless you count being gay - and he’s a runner who goes for long runs every Saturday morning. When he gets home, he handcuffs his boyfriend to a chair in his kitchen, duct-tapes one of his sweaty sneakers over the boyfriend’s face, and leaves him there while he has breakfast. My friend - who came to me for advice when his boyfriend confessed his fetish - isn’t really into guys with sneakers duct-taped to their faces. But it gets his lover off, and isn’t that what lovers are for?

Your lover has had things - she’s had you - on her terms for four years, SFF, which means you’re going to have to play the breakup card. It’s the only leverage you have. Tell her that if she can indulge your fetish - happily and regularly - and take some pleasure in giving you pleasure, she might be “the one.” If she can’t or won’t, she obviously isn’t. (Not that “the one” is anything other than a destructive myth, but for the sake of winning this argument, go ahead and use it.)

Finally, SFF, don’t let the girlfriend - or anyone else - tell you that you’re threatening to end this relationship over something trivial. Sexual fulfillment is important, particularly if your relationship is exclusive. And the “triviality” of your kink cuts both ways: If your kink is so trivial, why not just indulge you then? And in a long-term relationship - or a marriage - one partner’s sexual selfishness and another’s sexual frustration rarely prove trivial over the long haul. They’re more often grounds for divorce.

I am a 35-year-old partnered gay man, but I’ve been having an online conversation with a married bisexual man that has become an ongoing game of sexual dares. It’s a safe form of sexual adventurism for both of us. None of our dares has involved sexual contact with another person, but some of our dares have begun to involve other people at the edges. For example, we’ve posted ads to Craigslist as submissives and responded to some of the replies from dominant men. None of these interactions with third parties will result in actual contact. It feels a little like we are exploiting the “flakes” aspect of Craigslist, i.e., it’s common to hear from someone a few times after making contact on Craigslist and then never hear from them again. But it also feels a little like we are using these folks. Is this expansion of our game to involve other people ethical?

Concerned About Harming Craigslist Fellas

P.S. By the way, this letter is itself part of a dare. If you publish it and include a dare in the published reply, I will have to fulfill that dare.

The expansion of your game to Craigslist will annoy those guys on CL who are looking for actual contact, CAHCF, but as those guys amount to something less than 0.02 percent of the men trawling Craigslist at any given moment, I wouldn’t worry about it. Everyone knows that CL is overrun with flakes and game players and picture collectors; the odds that the “dominant men” you’ve chatted with on CL are interested in actual contact are pretty damn slim. (Guys interested in real-time BDSM play are likelier to be lurking on Recon.com or in your local hardware store.) So post at will.

P.S. I dare you to go to www.tinyurl.com/ye3otsh and take the pledge.

I’m a straight guy in my late 20s. I have a girlfriend of several years whom I live with and I love very much. I just read your most recent column, in which you used the acronyms HND (honest nonmonogamous dude) and CPOS (cheating piece of shit), and it struck a nerve. I have never been an HND; I have in the past been a CPOS (though not in this relationship). My girlfriend is lovely, supportive, and generally GGG, and though the sex is good, I have a significantly higher libido than she does and I would like to have a little more variety in my sex life. I want to be an HND, but I don’t know how to broach the subject with the girlfriend without ruining our relationship. We are very open about our sex life and our relationship in general, but I think this is probably a “next level” topic that may not go over very well. How do I bring this up without screwing up our relationship beyond repair?

Aspiring Honest Nonmonogamous Dude

Based on what you’ve learned about yourself in past relationships, AHND, i.e., that you’re a CPOS waiting to happen, I would encourage you to err on the side of screwing up your current relationship with an honest conversation about your mismatched libidos and your natural and normal desire for a little variety. Lies, damn lies, and statistics all demonstrate that, in time, one or the other or both of you will cheat. Better to toss that out there now, even at the risk of calmly winding down this relationship before you revert to form/CPOS, than to see the relationship explode after someone, most likely you, winds up cheating.

And while we’re on the subject of cheating…

I suppose I’m obligated to say a few words about Tiger Woods. First, let’s pretend that Elin Nordegren cheated on Tiger and that Tiger went after Elin with a golf club. Would Elin be viewed as the sole transgressor in the marriage then? Probably not. And second, daily papers and cable-news outfits reacted to Tiger’s “transgressions” by changing the names in the same “Why do powerful men cheat?” stories they’ve been pimping since Bill Clinton blew a load on a White House intern. For the millionth time: Men cheat for the same reasons women cheat, i.e., because they’re bored or horny or unfulfilled or desperate to see someone else naked for a change. People cheat because monogamy isn’t natural and we are wired to cheat. That doesn’t make cheating right, of course; people should honor their commitments, and blah-de-nine-iron-blah. But we shouldn’t encourage people to make commitments we all know they’re unlikely to keep. The end.

AUCTION NOTICE: Want to answer a question or two in an upcoming column? I’m auctioning off a chance to give advice in this space to raise money for some worthy charities. Go to www.tinyurl.com/SLauction for details and to bid.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

12.03.09

I’m a longtime reader who thought I’d never have a reason to write since I’m universally known as the “good girl,” but I’m not sure who else I can turn to. I have a close male friend. Even though I knew he was dating someone else, we became friends-with-benefits several years ago. Because of his relationship (and the fact that he lives with her!), I let him take the lead in setting up our rendezvous. Sometimes when we’d be together, it felt like a booty call; other times, it felt like it was leading to something more. He once admitted that if things were different, he could see us together. He never really talks about his girlfriend with me, and a while ago I discovered that while he was unfaithful to her, he had also been unfaithful to me.

On to the point of this letter: He recently proposed to his girlfriend. I’m happy for him if it’s what he truly wants, but I feel like he did it out of desperation. All I know is that there were some ultimatums involved. Here is my dilemma: I don’t want to out myself, I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship, Dan, but I feel like she has to know what her fiancé is really like before they get married. I don’t see his cheating stopping just because they’ve exchanged a few vows. Should I anonymously contact her and let her know that her man is a cheating man-whore? Thanks!

One Of Many Other Women

Gee… it must have come as a real shock when you realized that a man who was capable of cheating on his live-in girlfriend was also capable of cheating on the girl with whom he was cheating on his live-in girlfriend. No one could’ve predicted, huh?

On to your question: I hate to think of some poor woman marrying a cheating piece of shit (CPOS) - a CPOS is not to be confused with an honest nonmonogamous dude (HND) - in ignorance of his cheating-piece-of-shit-ness. It’s possible that the CPOS’s fiancée already knows and has forgiven him; perhaps one of those ultimatums touched on cheating. But odds are better that this woman doesn’t know, and someone really ought to clue her in before the wedding. But should that person be you?

I’m not comfortable with your motives, OOMOW. You may be known throughout the universe as a “good girl” - as the good girl - but your actions prove that you’re something of a “bad girl.” And there’s more: Your desire to destroy your FWB’s relationship proves that you’re something of a “vindictive girl,” your attempt to pass your vindictiveness off as concern for a woman you’ve repeatedly wronged proves that you’re a “self-deluding girl,” and your desire to accomplish all of this without paying any price yourself - you don’t want to out yourself or risk ruining your “friendship” with the man-whore - proves that you’re a “selfish girl” and a “cowardly girl.”

Back to your motives: The reason you want to do this anonymously is because your top concern is having the CPOS all to yourself, and that means sticking a knife in his current relationship without leaving any fingerprints. So it’s a good thing - a useful thing - that you weren’t the only “other woman” in his life, OOMOW, because he’ll never know for sure which one of his other women ratted him out.

Setting your highly suspect motives aside…

If I were in the fiancée’s shoes, I would want to know what was going on before the wedding. So I do think you should tell her. But if you have any shred of decency - even the tiniest bit - you will tell her personally, apologize profusely, and provide her with some proof. An anonymous tip won’t cut it: A CPOS who has successfully hidden a collection of other women from his fiancée will be able to talk his way out of an anonymous accusation of infidelity. He’ll either claim the e-mail was sent by a vindictive ex-girlfriend of his, which has the benefit of being very nearly true, or he’ll claim that an ex-boyfriend of hers is trying to destroy her happiness.

Finally, OOMOW, why do you want to be with the CPOS? He cheated on his fiancée, he cheated on you, and he probably cheated on the women who he was cheating on the both of you with. He’s a piece of shit, his fiancée is a fool, and you’re a vindictive, self-deluding, selfish coward. I’m not sure if you can all do better, or that any of you deserve better, but I do think you should all try.

I’m a hetero girl in my 20s. I love masturbating and find myself really good at it, but a lot of the time I get nothing from hetero porn. Usually it’s because I can’t stand the girls’ annoying voices. So I rely on gay porn instead, even when I’m reading erotica. I tend to go for what you gay guys call “twinks.” (Who the hell is a twink, technically speaking? Please don’t tell me it’s anything statutory!) I’m not really concerned, I’m just curious: Is this a common problem? I now get really intrigued when I meet gay guys in real life because I get off to so many gay men in porn. I would love to watch two twinks in reality at some point, but I’m not sure if any gay guys would ever be into that.

Twink Lover

Twinks are boyish gay men - boyish men, not boyish boys - in their late teens to mid-20s with slim-to-slightly-muscular bodies and relatively hairless chins, chests, crotches, etc. So long as you’re getting your live-action porn from reputable porn sites and companies, TL, you don’t have anything to worry about on the statutory front.

As for watching a couple of twinks go at it, there are lots of bisexual twinks out there - perhaps you could date one and have the odd three-way with others? There are also, without a doubt, some twink gay couples out there as turned on by the idea of some straight girl watching them go at it as you are turned on by the idea of watching a couple of twinks go at it. And thanks to the World Wide Interfluffer, finding them - or renting them - is easier than ever. And speaking of twinks…

However much Playgirl paid Levi Johnston for that photo shoot, it wasn’t enough. Most people thought Playgirl - which ceased publishing in print a while ago - was dead and gone forever. Prior to this photo shoot with Johnston, who even knew that Playgirl had a website? Or that Playgirl had a publicist? A publicist who had this to say after the shoot: “We were talking in the greenroom about gay categories - bear, cubs - and Levi asked what his type would be. We decided a twink, but older, so we anointed him a ‘twunk.’”

I love the idea of a twunk - an older twink - but Levi Johnston is 19 years old. How old is a twink supposed to be if a 19-year-old is already an aged twunk? No, no: Johnston was never a twink. He is a high-school jock - the hockey variety, to the delight of gear fetishists everywhere - gone slightly to seed. But what’s more interesting than sorting Johnston into his exact gay etymological category is watching Johnston, once a major homophobe, become increasingly comfortable with teh gays. Celebrity - and that’s what he is now - means having to hang out and work with (and work for) a certain number of out homos. One of those homos no doubt explained to Johnston that not many women would be masturbating to his pictures on Playgirl’s website. It seems that homophobia is a luxury that Levi can’t afford anymore.

And, psst, Levi? If you did that Playgirl shoot only to drive your former future mother-in-law crazy - and if that was your plan, kiddo, it seemed to work - imagine how much crazier she’ll get if you do a little gay-for-pay porn. Just sayin’.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.

11.26.09

I am a 29-year-old single straight man. Over the past year, I have become very close friends with a gay man close to my age. We have a blast hanging out, and I value our friendship. Four months ago, he told me that he had developed romantic feelings for me and said he needed a little space to save our friendship. For a couple of months, we saw each other only with mutual friends. Then we started hanging out again. It’s been great, and he seems very comfortable with me again. The thing is, I am now experiencing a sexual attraction to him. I have never been with a man and I am very attracted to women, but it doesn’t bother me that I suddenly feel this way.

I have been thinking about asking him if he wants to have a sexual experience with me. I think he would go for it. A long-term romantic relationship with him does not interest me, but I do love him as a friend and don’t want to risk losing that. Is it possible this could be just a one-time thing that brings us closer as friends, or is it more likely to ruin our friendship? He is the only guy I have ever been attracted to, and I want to have this experience.

Straight Except For One Guy

While you’re open to having a gay experience with your friend, SEFOG, he would probably prefer to have a gay relationship with someone. The fact that he can’t “have you” - i.e., you’re never gonna gay marry him - may make him reluctant to fuck your ass. Having sex with you could obviously reignite feelings he made an effort to squash to “save the friendship” - duh - and he may dread the feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that could swamp him when the inevitable happens and you wind up in a LTR with a woman.

All that said, SEFOG, I’m going to share a little secret with you about gay men: We’re men, real men, just like straight men. We’re good at having sex without getting emotionally attached - some of us are a little too good at it - and a single gay man, like a single straight man, rarely passes up a chance to get with someone he’s attracted to, even if he wants more than that person can give. About the only thing that gay men are better at than straight men - besides deep-throating - is maintaining friendships with exes, one-night stands, friends-with-benefits, fuck buddies, et al.

Lob your balls into your friend’s court, SEFOG, and see what he says. You were able to remain friends after he confessed his attraction to you, so I don’t see why you won’t be able to remain friends after you confess your attraction to him.

I’m a woman with an extremely gorgeous, brilliant, openly (mostly) gay friend who I’ve been having sex with infrequently but regularly over the last six months. I know why I’m doing it: I enjoy his company, he’s hot, the sex is incredible. But I’m not sure why he’s having sex with me, a straight girl. The most I could get out of him is that he thinks I have a “masculine sexuality.” I’d like to have a clearer understanding of where our friendship/sexual relationship stands. I am a person who likes to talk about everything, and he is not.

Confused Over Male Eroticism

I would hazard a guess that your (mostly) gay friend is doing this - doing you - for the same reasons you’re doing him: He enjoys your company, you’re hot, and the sex is great. As for where you stand, COME, well, that depends on what you want. Do you want hot sex with a hot guy every once in a while? Then you’re in good standing. Do you want a relationship? Then you’re deluding yourself. Very few gay-identified men are secretly closeted straight guys, COME. When a bisexual guy identifies as gay, it’s typically because he’s not romantically attracted to women. He can fuck women, but he doesn’t fall in love with women. Most bisexual guys are the opposite of your (mostly) gay friend, i.e., they can fuck men but they don’t fall in love with men, which is why most bi guys identify as (mostly) straight.

I wanted to satisfy my curiosity of getting a blowjob from a guy. I found one online willing to do the deed, and we met and he started. After about 15 seconds, I stopped him. It was not for me and did not feel right. Now, in reality, what are my chances of getting a disease? Low? Medium? High? He did not use a condom. I know you are going to say to get tested, which I probably will. But in your opinion, are my chances so great that I should run to the clinic? Would it matter the time length of the BJ? Say, if it were 10 to 15 minutes instead of seconds? Thanks for your time.

Sent From My iPhone

My apologies to Jerry Herman: It only takes a moment to contract a sexually transmitted infection you could have your whole life long, SFMi. If the guy who blew you - however brief the blowjob was - had syphilis or chlamydia or herpes or all three, you could’ve contracted any or all of them. You can’t contract an STI from a guy who doesn’t have any STIs, of course, but what do you think the chances are that a guy who blows strangers he meets online has an STI? Low? Medium? High?

Go get tested, SFMi.

I’m a 23-year-old lesbian who’s been in a relationship with a bisexual woman. She’s always had a fantasy about guy-girl-girl three-ways, so about five or so months ago, we decided to invite her best friend, “Roger,” into bed with us. We’ve both been pretty happy with the arrangement. At the start, I refused to have sex with him. But about two months ago, I decided I wanted to try it, never having had sex with a guy myself. I couldn’t get into it, so we stopped after two minutes. Since then, I’ve missed two periods and done four home pregnancy tests - all positive.

How the hell am I going to break the news to my girlfriend? We used condoms! I’d like to keep the baby and raise it with my girlfriend, but we have been living with each other for only a year. And how do I break it to Roger, if at all?

Gay Baby Mama Drama

How do you break the news to your girlfriend? The same way you break it to Roger: without further delay. Keeping the baby is your decision and your choice, GBMD, but it’s a decision you have to make in consultation with your girlfriend if you’re counting on her to raise this baby with you. And as your ultimate choice will have enormous potential consequences for Roger, both emotional and financial, he needed to be informed of your condition three pregnancy tests ago.

Your girlfriend may not be ready for the kind of commitment that coparenting represents. Roger may be nontraditional in the whole three-ways-with-hot-lesbians sense but traditional in the wants-to-be-the-father-of-his-child sense. You need their input as you make this choice, GBMD. And you have choices in addition to abortion or keeping the baby. There’s also open adoption. In an open adoption, you pick the family the child is placed with, and you and Roger can have ongoing contact with the child after adoption. You can learn more about open adoption at www.openadopt.org.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

11.19.09

I am a happily married, happily nonmonogamous male. We are not wild swinger types. For us it’s more about the fact that monogamy does not work than about nailing everything that walks by. Anyway, I have encountered an odd situation a few times now, and again last night, where I’ll be flirting with a potential fling and she knows I’m married and she’s very interested. But when she finds out my marriage is nonmonogamous, she suddenly backs out. Case in point, a coworker: We have been flirting since I started my new job a few months ago. Today she asked me what my wife would do if she found out I was sneaking around on her. Good time to make a full disclosure! But when I told her my situation, that was the end of our flirtation.

Any idea why women find the idea of cheating with me okay, but once they find out I have a free go of things, they walk?

No Figuring Women

This woman didn’t find the idea of cheating with you “okay,” NFW, she wanted to fuck you because you’re married and presumably monogamous. Try to look at it from her perspective: When she thought you were willing to cheat on your wife to be with her, NFW, that meant you found her so attractive, so utterly irresistible, that you would break your marriage vows and risk everything to get into her pants. Sleeping with her with your wife’s permission? Meh, where’s the ego boost in that?

I am a 40-ish married straight woman living in Geneva. I have been happily married in a monogamous relationship for 11 years. My husband and I met when we were in our early 20s. After listening to all of the Savage Lovecasts together, we started to talk about the idea of “some degree of openness,” as you put it.

In the past year, I have had a crush on a coworker. My husband is okay with me having something on the side with this coworker. This coworker is single (last I heard) and 17 years younger (yikes!), and he knows I am married. We had a great working relationship while we were assigned to a project together, but now he’s in another department. My question is, how to go from here? After having a few good talks with my husband, I am excited about this idea and terrified. I’m having a private lunch with my coworker soon. This is fine with my husband. What can you tell me to calm me the hell down and not be so stressed? After being conditioned my whole life that monogamy is the only way to go, I am having a hard time shifting!

Newly Open Couple Lacks Understanding & Education

Have that lunch, and tell your coworker/crush that you and the husband are just beginning to explore the idea of openness. For all you know now, your much-younger coworker may not be interested in being your piece on the side. If it turns out that he is interested, take things very, very slowly and keep your husband fully informed. But even if I could relieve you of your stress and anxiety with a few words, NOCLUE, I wouldn’t. You should be anxious and stressed out; it’s appropriate to be anxious and stressed out. Your nervousness is prompting you to take things slowly and to be careful and conscientious about your husband’s feelings. If this works out - for you, for your coworker, for your husband - it will be in large part thanks to the stress, NOCLUE, not despite it. Enjoy.

I am in a strange situation. I work in the corporate sector in marketing and sales. It is a high-stress, fast-paced job, and everyone has a short fuse. I have a coworker who is losing business to a competitor who happens to be gay. In her fits of anger, she keeps calling him a faggot. I hate it. The thing is, I am not gay. And if anyone in our office is, they are in the closet. She has used the word in front of other coworkers and even our boss, and no one seems to be bothered.

I am torn about what I should do. I am black, and if she was using the word “nigger,” I would call her on it and raise issue with our HR department. Can I file a complaint on behalf of a group I do not belong to? If she found out I complained, she would see it as a threat to her own job, which could lead to a decidedly hostile workplace. But if it was a racial slur, I would not let that deter me. I want to do the right thing. How would you handle the situation?

Not My Problem?

If someone at my office were tossing the word “nigger” around, NMP, I would lodge a complaint. I would resent the assumption on my coworker’s part that since I’m white she can use racist speech in my presence, because, hey, all us white people are racist POS, right? And I would complain because a workplace that tolerates racist remarks is a workplace that tolerates homophobic remarks. If people are using “nigger” when there aren’t any black people in the room, they’re doubtless using “faggot” when there aren’t any gay people in the room. And vice versa. Have a word with HR.

I have a new coworker, a young man who is gay and quite effeminate. He’s slim, wears makeup, has boyish/feminine features, and has done some modeling work as a woman. He said in a lunchroom discussion today that he prefers to wear women’s clothes. He said he had worn women’s clothes at a previous workplace, and no one had been offended. I suggested he talk to HR to protect his job before coming to work dressed in women’s clothing. Good advice or should I just mind my own business? One coworker suggested that he work up to it, while another said he should just do it and let the chips fall where they may. The question of what restroom he should use when dressed as a woman came up. I’m not 100 percent comfortable sharing the ladies’ room with him. Though I am certain most of the men won’t be comfortable sharing the men’s room with him either.

Do you have any suggestions on how to handle situations where I might find myself in the same restroom as my newest coworker?

She Knows It’s Really Trivial

If your coworker identifies as female, she should use the women’s room. If he identifies as male, he should use the men’s room. And seeing as he’s using the men’s room now - despite his wearing makeup and being openly gay - I don’t see how the addition of a dress should change things for his male coworkers. And from the way you describe that lunchroom conversation, SKIRT, it sounds like your effeminate new coworker has at least some support at work - but yes, he should have a talk with HR.

As for “handl[ing] situations” where you find yourself in the same restroom with your newest coworker, SKIRT, unless you routinely offer to zip up your coworkers or wipe their asses for them, I don’t see how his presence - or his attire or the particular brand of genitalia tucked into his panties - really impacts you at all.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

11.12.09

I am a 30-year-old woman, married for five years to a man eight years my senior. Lately I have become more aware that I am turned on by the idea of bondage, specifically men locked up in chastity devices. I am ashamed of myself because it seems, well, pretty perverse and disturbed.

My husband is a pretty dominant alpha-male type. I am a relatively dominant personality, but I’m a bit submissive around him in order to keep the peace, as he will not tolerate any disagreement in certain situations. So I am wondering: Is this new fetish springing from my frustration at being dominated by the man in my life, or am I just becoming more aware of my proclivities as I get older? Is this a sign of a psychological problem? Should I discuss this at all with my husband?

Turning The Tables

The emotional dynamics in your marriage - he won’t tolerate disagreement in “certain situations,” you bite your tongue to avoid conflict - sound a hell of a lot more perverse and disturbed to me than your growing awareness/acceptance of your interest in bondage and chastity. Your interest in consensual power exchange is as sexy as it is common, TTT, and your kinks don’t require his constant submission, e.g., he’s not tied up once you untie him, his dick isn’t locked up once you unlock it. His inability to “tolerate any disagreement in certain situations,” on the other hand, requires your constant submission.

No relationship lasts unless both partners are willing to bite their tongues from time to time in the interests of keeping the peace. But when someone says her husband “will not tolerate any disagreement in certain situations,” that worries me. Maybe the list of situations in which your husband won’t tolerate disagreement is relatively short now, TTT, and maybe it’s something you can live with. But if your husband realizes that he can successfully control you with this anger, the list is likely to grow. Be careful.

On to your fetish: It sounds like you were always turned on by the idea of controlling a man; you write that you’ve become “more aware” of this fetish, which leads me to believe that you’ve had some awareness all along. Why is it coming to the forefront now? It could have something to do with hitting your sexual peak, which women do around 30, and it could be because your kinks go so strongly against the grain of the established emotional dynamics of your marriage.

I would encourage you to discuss your kinks with your husband. They’re not anything out of the ordinary (or the extraordinary, I should say), and lots of dominant dick swingers - guys like your husband - secretly fantasize about submission. The cliché about the high-powered CEO who goes crawling to a professional dominant to get his ass beaten is a cliché because it’s frequently true. Your husband could be one of those guys - but you’ll never know until you ask.

I won’t bore you with the story of my 19 years in a sexless marriage. God knows that must be one of the most common complaints you get, and you’ve given plenty of good advice on the topic, some of which I’ll be taking any minute now to keep me from blowing my head off. What I want to know is, am I… is everyone entitled to an active sex life?

He Only Really Needs Your Okay

I don’t need the whole story, HORNYO, but you could’ve bored me with a few relevant details. For instance, has your marriage been sexless for all 19 years of its existence? Or did your sex life collapse at some point during those 19 years? Did the sex end a year ago? Five years ago? Ten years ago? Fifteen?

But to answer your question: No one is entitled to an active sex life. We are all entitled to freedom of sexual expression - consensual sexual expression - but to express your sexuality with others, you have to find or marry or rent a willing sex partner. And while each has the right to seek sexual fulfillment,* HORNYO, sadly not all who seek shall find. Some folks are unlucky or unfuckable or wind up trapped in marriages that always were or have become sexless - which is where compassionate, understanding sex workers and/or the Ashley Madison Agency (www.ashleymadison.com) come in handy.

Back to your marriage: If you were doing something wrong, HORNYO, if you destroyed your wife’s attraction to you through neglect (or something worse), then you are obligated to make a good-faith effort to undo the damage and, perhaps, restore the sexual aspect of your marriage. But if the wife cut you off because she simply isn’t interested in sex anymore - or if she never was interested in sex - then you are entitled to seek what sexual fulfillment you can find outside your marriage.

* Offer not good in Saudi Arabia or Jamaica.

My boyfriend and his best friend are close. Last summer, I noticed that when my boyfriend gets drunk he tries to grab his friend’s ass, throws his arm around him, and sits close to him. Then one day I found a pair of underwear in our bedroom that belonged to my boyfriend’s best friend. My boyfriend said he didn’t know how they got there. I figured he and his pal messed around and he didn’t know how to talk about it honestly because he’s pretty macho. I was jealous, but I asked myself if I could accept a bi boyfriend and decided that I could.

So a few days ago, my boyfriend’s best friend asks me if I tell my boyfriend everything he, the best friend, tells me. I say no, not necessarily. So he asks me to promise not to tell my boyfriend what he’s about to tell me. I say that depends. He brings up the underwear incident and says that he called a prostitute that night and fucked her in my bed, and that’s why his underwear was in my room. He tells me that my boyfriend let me think they were gay for each other rather than tell me that they called a hooker. And he tells me my boyfriend didn’t touch the hooker - to which I say yeah right.

Why did he tell me this? And what do I do with it now? Do I just forget about it? Please give me some advice. I feel like I can’t trust either of them right now.

Secrets And Deceit

Why would your boyfriend’s best friend come to you now, SAD, so many months after the Underwear Incident, and tell you this involved, incriminating, improbable story and then swear you to secrecy? Either he’s gone rogue on your boyfriend and made up all of this crap about the hooker in an effort to sabotage your relationship, SAD, or he and your boyfriend are concerned that you’re onto them and this is some bizarre effort to cover their tracks, i.e., to offer some excuse for the sole piece of incriminating evidence that indicates they may be something more than best friends.

Fucking each other or not, your boyfriend’s best friend is fucking with your head, and you’re under no obligation to keep this conversation secret from your boyfriend - and your ass is more than covered by that “that depends.” Talk it out with your boyfriend, SAD, and tell him you want the truth. Is he bisexual - emphasizing that you can live with bi - or is he gay? Or is he really such a scumbag that he’d tag-team a hooker in your bed with his best friend? Give him a chance to come clean and/or come out. And if your gut tells you he’s lying, SAD, end it.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

11.05.09

I’m a 20-year-old girl, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend, who is 23, for two years. From the get-go, he has known that I am bi, and like most straight guys, he’s happy to be with a girl who likes girls.

The thing is, I am too shy to go out and hit on a girl. Getting a man was the easy part, but getting a girl who is willing to fuck around not only with me but also with my boyfriend is a daunting task. I encourage my boyfriend to talk to women since he is good eye candy. But I get kinda sorta jealous when he actually goes and talks to other women. It’s a weird game that gives me a headache. All I want is to satisfy my cravings for a woman - is that too much to ask? Am I just being selfish? Why can’t girls just appear in my bedroom?

Crazy About Girls Eternally

Because you’re not Logan, CAGE, and there’s no such thing as the Circuit (www.tinyurl.com/cfj89d) - not yet, anyway, even if the internet kinda sorta comes close.

If watching your boyfriend hit on girls - ostensibly on your behalf - gives you a headache and makes you jealous, then you’re going to have to learn to hit on girls yourself, CAGE, either in person or online. And you might have more success landing a willing bisexual girl - a girl who’s interested in you and your boyfriend - if you made the passes.

Nice, sexually adventurous girls approached by 23-year-old pieces of male eye candy about two-girls/one-guy threesomes will assume that it’s about Eye Candy’s fantasies, not the girlfriend’s. And if you’re hanging back, looking uncomfortable, jealous, and headachy, even a girl who might be up for a threesome is going to read reluctance into your demeanor, presume your boyfriend is pressuring you, and politely decline. Or she’s going to think you have the swine flu and decline.

If you want pussy, CAGE, you’ll have to take the lead. Remember: It’s okay to be geeky and inept and awkward when you’re hitting on someone; some people think it’s cute, and smooth is overrated when it comes to making passes. (Your boyfriend sounds pretty smooth - what has it gotten you?) Practice a few cheesy lines, something direct and truthful, something along the lines of, “We think you’re really hot, and we’ve always wanted to have a threesome” - and just blurt it out at the next pretty, flirty girl who crosses your paths. If you can’t do that, post personal ads online and flirt via e-mail. There are a lot of couples online looking for thirds, CAGE, and you’ll increase your odds of success if you offer to be a couple’s third in exchange for the woman in the couple taking a turn as the third for you and your boyfriend.

Of course, that might make your boyfriend jealous - but it’s his turn, right?

I’m a straight female in her early 20s, currently engaged to a handsome man three years older. We’re very happy and we have a strong, healthy relationship, but lately I’ve been worried about one question: Considering my limited previous sexual experience (before him, it was oral only), is it still possible to have a long, enjoyable sex life with him? I’ve gotten some (well-intentioned, I’m sure) advice that suggests that we are both making mistakes. I can’t have a satisfying sex life without being able to compare him to anyone else, I’m told, and he’s making a huge mistake by pairing up with a less experienced partner. I hope that the individuals telling me this are wrong.

I have absolutely zero interest in opening up this relationship, and I do my best to be GGG. He says I’m a great lover and a lot more confident in bed now compared to when we first made love, but I want to improve. Still, I don’t want to find out down the road that we made a mistake.

Negligible Experience With Boning

Are you happy? Is he happy? That’s all that matters. Just keep those lines of communication open, NEWB, while you continue to explore your sexualities together. And remind yourself every once in a while that even the less experienced partner in a relationship is allowed to have likes and dislikes, offer constructive criticisms, and make suggestions - and sometimes demands. And anyone who is being GGG for her partner has every right to expect GGG from her partner.

Finally, tell the “friends” who’re offering you such unhelpful advice - tell those underminers - to go fuck themselves. Some people need to sleep around a bit before they realize what they like and whom they want. That’s not the case for everyone. And there are plenty of men and women out there in miserable, sexually dysfunctional marriages who met after both had plenty of experience.

I have a small problem. My niece is 14, and the other day I met her boyfriend. He’s a sweet boy, with double-pierced ears and amazing fashion sense. My niece fell for him when she saw him sporting a pink jacket in the hallway of school, which is, of course, the reason my niece likes him. What teenage girl wouldn’t want someone to go shopping with? As a middle-aged homosexual myself, I can spot a proto-queer a mile away. Needless to say, my sister loves the boy - he’s a perfect gentleman. I’m inclined to let it be. They’re only 14; what harm could it do? Then I worry, what if this goes on for years? I don’t want her to get hurt. Then again, this boy could just grow up to be a Felix Unger–type heterosexual. Any advice?

A Caring Loving Uncle

It’s comforting to think that your niece is safe with this boy, seeing as he’s a perfect little gentleman now and likely to be a perfect little pillow-chomping bottom when he grows up (or one of those rare fashion-forward tops). But a study conducted by the University of British Columbia found that gay and lesbian youth - closeted or otherwise - were more likely to get pregnant/impregnate than their straight peers. Because nothing says “I’M NOT GAY!” like a knocked-up 14-year-old girlfriend.

So here’s what I’d do if I were you, ACLU: Pull the boy aside for a chat. Begin with, “You seem like a nice kid,” and then let him have it: “But if you get my niece pregnant, I will kill you.” Now pay attention to the italicized bits in what comes next: “I’d rather you didn’t fuck her - she’s 14, so are you - but if you need condoms or advice about anything, don’t hesitate to ask. I won’t repeat anything you ask me about to my sister. And don’t think I won’t kick your ass just because I’m gay. I can and I will. Oh, and love the jacket - where did you get it?”

The boy will emerge from this harrowing chat aware that his girlfriend has potentially violent family members who are watching out for her - something all 14-year-old boyfriends should be made aware of - and that he can confide in you, the involved gay uncle, privately and about anything. It’s unlikely that he’ll seize the opportunity to come out to you, ACLU, and it’s important that you accept the premise of his heterosexuality (however improbable it might seem) before, during, and after your talk. You’ll be nudging him in the direction of coming out to someone, at some point, by setting an example, ACLU, while decreasing the odds that he will do real and lasting harm - read: teen pregnancy - to your niece.

As for breaking her heart, well… you can’t protect her from that, and you shouldn’t bother to try. That’s what comes with being 14.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

10.29.09

I’m a 67-year-old woman, almost 68, who has been married four times - once widowed (with three kids in their 40s who’ve turned out pretty well), divorced three times. I recently met someone online: 48, a wealthy, educated man with two boys, 12 and 14. He lives the cuckoldt lifestyle and is looking for a woman to marry who would participate and enjoy this with him. He says he “craves and needs” this lifestyle, and from what he’s said so far, the boys have been trained from an early age to also live this lifestyle and would require that the woman he marries include them in all ways.

I’ve done some research and think I could be quite happy being a dominant. However, my concern is that he wants me to be sexual with the boys. He says that at home they practice familial nudity. He also wants me to take each one to a hotel on their respective birthdays (he doesn’t say at what age) and take their virginities. He has also suggested that, once we are living together, if I wake up horny I should go to one of the boys’ rooms and “grind my cunt into his face and fuck the boy.” I think this is excessive and could traumatize the boys. I don’t know if this type of extreme behavior is just fantasy for him or if he is serious.

If I like this man after meeting him, I would consider this lifestyle, but with boundaries where the boys are concerned. As the dominant, what I say goes, no questions asked (he has agreed to this in a recent IM), but I think we need to find a balance.

I’m interested in your thoughts on all of this. Thank you.

New To Cuckholdting

What do I think? I’m thinking - and hoping and praying - that this letter is complete bullshit. And I think I’m gonna go boil my laptop after writing this response. And I think I’m tempted to forward your e-mail on to the police. And I think I would do just that if I wasn’t convinced that this man with whom you’ve been corresponding - assuming you exist, NTC - is just another creepy pervert furiously beating off in front of a computer as he spins out his insanely creepy sexual fantasies for a gullible online audience of one.

But two details lead me to believe that there could actually be a four-times-married, thrice-divorced, once-widowed moral bankrupt out there receiving e-mails and IMs from a man who claims to be into “the cuckoldt lifestyle,” “familial nudity,” and the sexual abuse of his adolescent children: your age and your inability to spell “cuckold.” If a creep with child-rape fantasies wrote this letter, NTC, you wouldn’t be 67 going on 68 with reservations. You would be 37 at the most with DD breasts, and you would’ve spelled cuckold correctly. (Unless… sigh… the creep was into intergenerational sex and lousy spellers on top of everything else.)

Now: If this man and his children exist, NTC, he’s abusing his children and they should be removed from his home immediately. He’s scum, NTC, as is any woman who would for a moment contemplate shacking up with this piece of shit. Because, again, what your Interwebs friend describes is not the “cuckoldt lifestyle,” it’s the rape and systematic sexual abuse of children. A man who is into cuckolding gets off on his wife having consensual sex with other adult men, not his children; a woman into cuckolding gets off on “cheating” on her husband with other adult men, not her minor stepchildren.

Once again for the record: I don’t think this guy is for real or that these kids exist. I think some creepy pervert is sitting in front of a computer furiously rubbing ’em out as he chats with you. Interacting with someone on the web who believes that he’s telling the truth - someone who believes that he’s wealthy, educated, and has two boys at home anxious to be sexually abused by a woman old enough to be their grandmother - turns him on. And so he lurks online until he lands someone gullible and morally bereft enough to buy in.

Okay! Let’s end with a note about standards and practices here at Savage Love: I typically change identifying details in a letter - exact ages, number of divorces, number of children - lest someone inadvertently out themselves to their family and friends. I didn’t do that in NTC’s case, because I’m praying to God that - if NTC exists - one of her children sees this letter and recognizes dear ol’ Mom. And if her kids are reading: Hey, guys, it’s time to take Mom’s cars keys, credit cards, and computer away. Dementia has set in, or Mom’s been demented all along. Either way, she’s a danger to herself and others, and you might want to stage an intervention before the criminal-justice system does.

I am in desperate need. I have been dating a guy for two years. We’re both 25, and we love each other a lot. He’s sexy as hell (half Asian, quarter Native, quarter black - he’s divine), we connect, he’s funny, upbeat, and honest. Unfortunately, we have a recurring fight (once or twice a month), and I wonder if we will ever resolve this issue. He likes the attention of other women. The fight goes like this: He will do something borderline inappropriate with some chick right in front of me (most recently, he had 30 consecutive drunk-posts on Facebook with some 19-year-old he met through his roommate), and I will get pissed and hurt. I approach him calmly and say that it feels disrespectful and I hope that one day we will come to an agreement on this issue. He swears that it is all in my head and that I work myself up over nothing. But he KNOWS it hurts my feelings, and my hurt is made worse because he is disregarding my feelings. He usually gets mad, says he “didn’t do anything wrong” and he “can’t talk to me anymore,” and then I won’t hear from him for a day or so.

I have friends telling me that this is a deal breaker and that I am being emotionally abused. I don’t know if I believe that - I think he just needs to work on boundaries. I just had a “come to Jesus” talk with the boy, and he still feels like he didn’t cross any lines and refuses to apologize. But to make me feel guilty, he said he will “never post anything on another girl’s Facebook page ever again.” That’s not what I wanted. Now my face hurts from crying, and I want someone sane to tell me which way is up. Whose side are you on? I would actually be happier if you told me that I was crazy and controlling, because altering my own attitude is a lot easier than trying to get through to him.

Pleeeeeease help.

Hurting In Oregon

Ah… a nice, normal problem to cleanse the palate after the shit sandwich that opens the column this week.

I’m not on anyone’s side in this dispute, HIO. You sound like an insecure, passive-aggressive guilt tripper, and the boyfriend sounds like an inconsiderate flirt. You’ve been having the same fight twice a month for two years. Enough already. If the sex, the connection, and his race-based divinity don’t compensate for the flirting, end this relationship. If they do, HIO, stay with him - but only if you can stop policing his interactions with other women and stop bitching about the flirting to him, to your friends, and to me.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

10.22.09

I’m a straight teenage male, but I can’t climax unless I am stimulating my anus or rectum. I use various objects like cucumbers. The reason I don’t buy a toy is that I live in a very religious household and my parents would disown me if they found a sex toy in my room.

I take a toilet plunger and wrap the handle with toilet paper and tissues. Then I take a plastic bag and put it over the top. After that, I wrap a rubber band around the bottom part of the bag so it can’t slide off, lube it up, and fuck away! I really like this: I can put the suction part on the floor, sit on the handle part, and basically ride it while I use my hands to stroke my dick/balls.

I know you’re thinking, “Gross! Do you realize that thing’s been in the toilet?!” But I sterilize the handle with Lysol, then put soap on it before wrapping it with toilet paper. I also put disinfectant on the plastic bag, then wash it off with water. After I’m done, I put more disinfectant/soap on the handle and wash it off so people who are using the plunger for its normal use don’t get my ass germs. I’ve been doing this for about five years and haven’t felt any bad symptoms except the occasional trace bleeding (I think due to not enough lube - or it may be due to the ridges of the bag). A few times I actually bled a lot (about the same amount as a medium cut on your finger) for two or three days, but I didn’t feel it in my butt and only knew that I was bleeding when I took a shit.

Are homemade dildos a bad idea? Am I putting my family at risk by getting my ass germs on the plunger?

Always Nervous Until Sanitized

For the love of God, ANUS, get your hands and ass on an actual sex toy - they make dildos with suction-cup bases - before you do some real damage to yourself. Your 10-step toilet-plunger-into-anal-sex-toy plan is ingenious, I’ll admit, and your concern for the health of your family is touching. But given a choice between explaining your masturbatory routine to your parents because they found a dildo in your room or explaining it to them because you wound up in an emergency room because your luck ran out and the bleeding didn’t stop, ANUS, I hope you would opt for the former.

If you’re worried about the repercussions of discovery - such as being disowned - then hide the dildo someplace other than your room. Got siblings? Hide your dildo in the room of your least favorite. If you’re an only child, find a beat-up-looking box, a couple of porn magazines that predate your family’s tenure in your home, and hide the box with the dildo and old mags in the crawl space or a drop ceiling or the rafters. If your folks find it, they’ll think it belonged to some perverted previous owner or tenant, not to their straight-but-needs-anal-stimulation-to-climax son.

A word to my fellow parents: If you find a penetration toy hidden in your child’s room - why were you snooping? - do not freak the fuck out, do not disown your kid, and do not discard the toy. Your child probably went to great lengths to obtain that toy - teenagers can’t just walk into sex shops - and he or she probably didn’t decide to run the risks of obtaining and concealing a sex toy until he or she had a bad experience with an improvised sex toy, e.g., plunger-related rectal bleeding, difficultly retrieving a cucumber from the vaginal canal. If you make a scene and take the toy, your child may not acquire another - but your child’s experiments with insertion will continue. He or she will just go back to using produce (swiped from the fridge for use, then returned to the fridge after use) or plunger handles or worse.

My boyfriend always goes soft after he penetrates me. He’s come in me only a handful of times - and I’m a bottom! When it comes to oral, he doesn’t have trouble staying hard. Even more curious: The guy is only 21! Can someone that young really have “erectile dysfunction”? We’ve tried cock rings, and they don’t help: He can keep his hard-on for a little longer (enough time to get inside me without getting soft), but it doesn’t take long for him to get soft again. Dan, what do you think is going on? He’ll be super-hard when I’m sucking him off, then I’ll start jerking him a bit, then he’ll get inside me, and then a very short while later he’s soft. Is there anything we can do? Does he have ED?

Lover Is Missing Poundings

Your boyfriend is hard during oral sex and when you jerk his cock, LIMP, and only loses his erection when he’s in your ass or about to go in. Hmm. That doesn’t sound like ED to me - there’s no such thing as “act-specific ED” - but more like YBDLAS, or “your boyfriend doesn’t like anal sex.”

Your boyfriend may feel pressure to perform, LIMP, as being fucked is important to you. (Please tell me that he’s coming inside a condom when he comes inside you.) And he may feel some pressure to conform. Anal sex among gay men has been elevated to the status of vaginal sex among straight men, LIMP, in that it’s somehow become the defining sex act, despite the fact that roughly a quarter of all gay men don’t enjoy and don’t indulge in anal sex. Your boyfriend may be one of those guys, but he’s too inhibited to tell you how he feels because, hey, it’s buttfucking and he’s gay and all gay men are buttfuckers and if he doesn’t enjoy buttfucking then he’s some sort of defective gay buttfucker.

Tell him he doesn’t have to do it if he doesn’t enjoy it and, for the time being at least, you’re taking anal off the menu - lifting the pressure off his shoulders and dick. Focus on the stuff that works for him right now: oral and JO. And remember, LIMP, if he’s coming in your mouth, he’s still coming inside you.

When I bottom for my BF, if he can’t get it in right away, he goes flaccid. What can I do?

Boy Only Needs Erect Dick

BONED put this question to me - via index card - at a “Savage Love Live” event at UC Santa Cruz. I was in a bad way that night - sick with the flu - and somehow misunderstood the question. I read it as the person being fucked went limp when penetration wasn’t immediate, not the person doing the fucking. Sorry about that, BONED. Here’s a useful answer: Ask the BF what the problem is. He may be worried about you - is he hurting you? - or perhaps the pressure on his cock as he attempts to push it in is painful for him. I don’t think it’s the same problem as LIMP’s boyfriend; your letter seems to imply that there isn’t a problem when the boyfriend bottoms for you, so it’s not about disliking anal sex. It could be, though, that your boyfriend is more of a bottom, i.e., prefers the receptive role during anal intercourse. A lot of bottom guys can top, of course, but some need to quickly get in there and start pumping away, because the sensations help them maintain their erections even as they do this thing - fucking - that they would really prefer to have done to them. A delay in the action, such as an inability to get it in “right away,” could lead to the problem you describe, BONED.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

10.15.09

I’m a 25-year-old girl dating a 26-year-old guy. My boyfriend identifies as sexually submissive. He likes to be tied up, put in women’s underwear, and locked in a chastity device, and he has a strong urge to please. I hate the term, but I suppose you could call me a “feeder.” I am turned on by the idea of someone eating a lot of food, usually junk food, and putting on weight.

It’s probably related, but I’m also a bit of a fitness nut - I’m the type of person who gets her cat health food. Consequently, I feel somewhat guilty about indulging my fetish, but I figure every now and then shouldn’t hurt. Thing is, since I’ve been honest with my boyfriend and he knows how much this stuff turns me on, often when we go out he’ll eat too much to please me. The short of it is, he’s put on some weight, and while the libido part of me finds it hot, the logical part of me wants him to be healthy and wants to stop this pattern before he gets, like, actually fat.

Thing is, it’s hard enough to convince your partner to work out when it will lead to your being more attracted to him. It’s nearly impossible to convince your partner to work out when it may lead to your being less attracted to him. So what do I do? I could say he knows the risks, and since I’m not forcing him to do anything, I could just run with it. But I would still feel bad knowing that he was essentially worse off - less healthy - for having dated me. I just don’t want to give him a complex.

Fat Admirer Troubled

Your boyfriend is a submissive crossdresser who’s into bondage and chastity, FAT, so he came to you with a complex - two or three at least. Not that there’s anything wrong with that: His complexes, and the fetishes and kinks they’ve sprouted, give him a great deal of pleasure, FAT, and it sounds like you’re enjoying ’em, too. We should all be so lucky to have such complexes.

So get off the rack already - that’s where the boyfriend belongs - and negotiate an explicit “power exchange agreement” where his diet and weight are concerned. Explain to him that having a dominant feeder girlfriend doesn’t give him license to eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and put on however much weight he wants. You’re the dominant, FAT, you’re in charge, so you get to determine what he eats, when he eats, how much he eats, and ultimately how much weight he gains.

But luckily for him, FAT, you’re a conscientious, ethical dominant feeder. You’re not one of those evil feeders who wants to do serious and lasting harm to some poor gainer; you don’t want to feed your boyfriend into weight-related disability and/or an early grave. You’re interested in feeder play, not murder-by-cream-cheese-frosting.

So order the boyfriend to eat junk food, sit on his ass, and gain weight for a few months, FAT, and then order him to eat healthier food, get off his ass, and lose the weight. Don’t let his weight go more than 30 pounds over his ideal weight and you won’t be doing him any real or lasting harm.

And FAT? Even if indulging your fetish shaves a year or two off his life, well, people throw away decades of their lives for lesser pleasures. People smoke, ride motorcycles without helmets, and stick their rear ends in the air in skank-ass sex clubs. Our bodies are our own, FAT; they’re ours to use, abuse, and, since we’re all going to die one day, they’re ours to use up. Sane adults strike a balance between taking care of our bodies - eating right, drinking in moderation, getting exercise - while still allowing for pleasures that require us to eat poorly, drink in excess, and lie motionless for days at a time while we recover. The better care you take of yourself - the more time you spend eating right, drinking in moderation, and exercising - the longer you’ll live, of course, and the more pleasures you’ll get to enjoy before you inevitably croak.

It’s ultimately up to your boyfriend to determine whether the pleasures of submitting to you - including the pleasure of indulging your fetish - are worth the risks to his health. Are those 20 or 30 extra pounds something he’s willing to carry around for you half the year? Is having a kick-ass sex life with you in his 20s - and possibly in his 30s, 40s, and 50s - worth shaving a year or two off his life in his 70s or 80s? If he decides that the answer is yes, FAT, be a gracious bondage/chastity/feeding top, take his yes for an answer, and stick a doughnut in his mouth.

A question in the spirit of the season: Can zombie sex ever be consensual? Because I think if confronted with a zombified Zac Efron, I might go for it if he were properly restrained. Can you teach a zombie a safe word? Does it count if it’s “braaaains”? It’s not necrophilia with the WALKING dead, is it? What would you say is the sexual morality of this situation?

Hope In Zombie Zac If Ethical

If you’d seen Zombieland, HIZZIE, you’d know that a hot person, once transformed into a zombie, isn’t hot anymore. A pretty girl is bitten by a zombie, falls asleep in the arms of Zombieland’s nebbishy hero, and awakes as a thoroughly hideous flesh-eating monster. Even a zombified Zac Efron - I’m going to resist making the obvious joke here - would be too repulsive to fuck. Think of the gore, the viscera; think of the Axe body spray.

As for the morality of the situation, fucking zombies - the walking dead - is necrophilia, technically speaking, but practically speaking, it comes closer to bestiality. A human being who has been zombified is nothing but an animal, hungry for brains, incapable of thought much less consent. We can kill animals for their flesh, but we mustn’t fuck them, HIZZIE; and we can kill zombies for wanting our flesh, but likewise we mustn’t fuck them.

Met a super-hot boy - straight! - at a bar. Nice, familiar with my work (I’m an artist), thinks I’m all great. Talked, kissed. Exchanged numbers. Made plans. For a date. Dinner. He tells me he’s married but in an “open relationship.” What do I do? Do open relationships really exist?

She Lusts Until Truth

Yes, SLUT, open relationships exist. But the only person who can confirm that this boy - straight! - is actually in one, SLUT, is his wife. Ask her. Before you kiss that boy some more. Or go. On. That. Date.

I came up with an amazing word years ago, and I have been trying like hell to get it into the dictionary: procrasturbation. It means “to waste time by pleasuring yourself.” I wrote Merriam-Webster back in 2004 - here is the response I got: “Your coinage is clever, but I’m afraid that cleverness is not the criterion on which a word is entered into our dictionaries… For ‘procrasturbate’ to be entered, it will need to appear in a number of well-read print sources for a good number of years. When we’ve collected enough citations for the word, we will enter it into our dictionary.”

I was just wondering if you could help me out with this one, Dan, by using “procrasturbate” in your column.

Organically Enters Dictionary

“Procrasturbate” is genius, OED, but appearing in my column isn’t going to get it into the dictionary. “Santorum” has appeared in this space and other well-read print sources for years now, and it hasn’t seeped into Merriam-Webster’s yet. I call shenanigans.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

10.08.09

My partner and I have a dilemma.

We’re a straight couple. Our lives and finances are intertwined, and we are already essentially living as a married couple. Now we want to hold a ceremony with family and friends to make public the commitment we’ve already made privately. That said, we are in favor of marriage equality and are considering joining the marriage boycott (www.unmarried.org) until DOMA is repealed and every state allows gay marriage.

Our friends and family say we should get married and fight for equality “from the other side of the fence.” On the other hand, a number of the people in attendance at our wedding would not have access to the rights we’d be signing up for, and that feels unfair to us.

We’d like to know what you think. Is boycotting legal marriage a worthwhile statement for straight couples to make? Or do you think we should put gay-rights groups on our registry and fight for marriage equality as a married couple?

Hoping To Render Change

Funny you should ask, HTRC, as last weekend the boyfriend-in-America/husband-in-Canada and I attended the wedding of some dear straight friends. We weren’t the only same-sex couple at the wedding; there were “a number of people in attendance [without] access to the rights” our straight friends were signing up for.

All us homos at the wedding were delighted to be there and deliriously happy for our friends, and not one of us would’ve asked them to wait to marry until gay marriage is legal in all 50 states - something that isn’t going to happen until 2024 at the earliest, according to number-crunchin’ superstar political blogger Nate Silver (tinyurl.com/cn58xy). That’s when Silver predicts that the final holdout - Mississippi - will finally legalize same-sex marriage.

Here’s what I think you should do, HTRC: get married, make a donation to the fight for marriage equality, and encourage your guests to do the same. And, hey, are you guys getting married in the next four weeks? Because there’s a ballot measure in Maine that would strip same-sex couples in that state of their newly won right to wed. Help protect marriage equality in Maine by making a donation - right now - at www.protectmaineequality.org. And religious bigots in Washington State, where I live, are attempting to repeal a domestic-partnership law at the ballot box. Protect the rights of same-sex couples in Washington by making a donation - right now - at www.approvereferendum71.org.

And in addition to throwing some money around, HTRC, I think you should consider lifting one of the readings from my friends’ ceremony.

“Marriage is a vital social institution,” the reading began. “The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family. Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition.”

So touching, so true, and so universal - who could argue with those sentiments? Everyone at the wedding was nodding. And the reading continued…

“It is undoubtedly for these concrete reasons, as well as for its intimately personal significance, that civil marriage has long been termed a ‘civil right.’ Without the right to choose to marry, one is excluded from the full range of human experience.”

After the reading - which was done by a gay friend of the couple - the officiant identified the source: It was from the 2003 Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court decision that legalized same-sex marriage in that state. It was a lovely gesture: The gay couples at the wedding were touched and the hetero couples were reminded of the injustice that gay couples face. It would be wonderful if this passage from the Massachusetts court’s ruling on marriage equality caught on as a wedding reading, HTRC. The gay people in the pews will be touched, and with any luck, any straight guests who oppose marriage equality will take a moment to reconsider their positions. At the very least, they’ll know where the bride and groom stand.

I’m a high-school student, gay, but whenever someone asks me, I lie and say I’m not. I feel like I’m ashamed of who I am and that I’m dishonoring every openly gay person. But I don’t know what else to do. Most of the other students at my school use the words “gay” and “faggot” in a derogatory way. I’ve only been in high school for four weeks, and I’m not sure how they would react. What should I do? Should I come out?

Gay Boy Seeking Serious Help

“I’m a big fan of telling people what to do (just ask my poor boyfriend), but coming out is a deeply personal decision, one you’re going to have to negotiate yourself,” says Benoit Denizet-Lewis, who wrote a cover story for the New York Times Magazine about gay kids coming out in middle school.

“With that said, here’s what you should do. First, the fact that you’re worrying about ‘dishonoring every gay person’ speaks volumes about your character and tells me that you have a heart and a conscience, both of which will serve you well in your life as an openly gay man. Second, consider coming out first to an adult you trust (a school counselor, your gay uncle). Third, try to come out to one friend, preferably one who loves the show Glee. Having a peer ally is critical to your mental health. Finally, when you do come out to your parents, just be sure you’re not in a moving vehicle.”

Denizet-Lewis’s first book, America Anonymous, is out now, and it’s pretty genius. But for the record: I do not love the show Glee.

Greetings from Portland, Oregon. Our fair city is totally overflowing with cute, young, scruffy boys. Which is awesome, of course, for gay guys like me. The only problem is, it seems like a disproportionate number of these boys are, well, boys without dicks - trans guys. Seems like every dance party, every art-fag event, is packed with non-bio boys. But where are all the trans girls? None of my lesbo friends talk about all the new trans girls running around town.

I know that this could strictly be region-specific, but it seems to be a bigger issue. Why is it that the butch girls all seem to become dudes, yet so few of the femme boys identify as women?

GGG In PDX

I’m just theorizing here: There seem to be fewer MTFs out there than FTMs, and the MTFs who are out there mostly seem to have been straight-identified before their transitions (they were with women), unlike most FTMs, who seem, for the most part, to have been lesbian-identified before their transitions. So MTFs weren’t integrated into the queer community prior to their transitions the same way FTMs were before theirs.

Confused? Me too.

So MTFs are less likely to frequent places - bars, clubs, art-fag events - where you, a gay guy, might encounter them.

As for why there are so many trans guys in Portland, GGGIPDX, trans guys clump up for the same reasons other sexual minorities do. It’s not just about safety in numbers - although it’s partly that - but also about the romantic odds. The more trans guys in one place, the more trans guys there are to date; and the more trans guys in one place, the likelier non-trans guys and girls are to meet, get to know, and perhaps consider dating trans guys.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

10.01.09

About a month ago, I got drunk and slept with my friend’s girlfriend. (He’s not my best friend, more of a second-tier friend.) We both swore never to tell anyone and left it at that. Only problem is, we’ve been hanging out a lot lately and sending private messages to each other multiple times a day, but nothing physical. It’s progressed to the point that our mutual friends are starting to notice that there’s something going on between the lady and me. And, frankly, if someone I was dating were doing what she is doing, I’d consider it cheating.

Things came to a head a few nights ago when we ended up skinny-dipping and then showering together. We are obviously infatuated. We had a long talk about what to do: We are really into each other, but there are issues. For starters, she would have to break up with her boyfriend, something she would do in theory, but there are housing issues (she lives with him) and friendship issues (her best friend is his best friend’s lady). Furthermore, I’m scared not only of getting beat to hell by her man, but of getting shunned by all of my friends for stealing another man’s girl.

Everything is interconnected in the most fucked-up ways possible. I’m wondering if there is any way out of this with the desired result for everyone: the lady and I together, friends understanding of the situation, and her boyfriend not totally destroyed. I still like her boyfriend as a friend and a guy, and I don’t want to crush him with a pre-winter breakup (it gets real lonely here in the winter).

Fucked In Madison

As “the lady” is not a wallet, a car, or a crusty old cum sock, FIM, you can’t “steal her” from a second-tier friend or anyone else. She is a free and autonomous individual; her affections are hers to award and hers to rescind. And as it’s the lady who would be doing the dumping here, FIM, you wouldn’t be crushing your second-tier friend with a pre-winter breakup, she would.

Let’s not overestimate your importance in the little lady’s drama, FIM. I’m sure you’re a lovely person, you’re a great fuck, and that you look good in the shower, etc., but you are only evidence that her relationship isn’t long for this world, FIM, you are not the reason it isn’t. This breakup was in the cards before you and that fateful drunken night. Your appearance on the scene may have given her an incentive to end a relationship that needed to end - and end sooner rather than later - but the relationship was doomed before you drunkenly banged the (shitfaced) lady.

In other words: You’re just a symptom, FIM, don’t flatter yourself by imagining you’re the disease.

That said, FIM, her friends and future ex-boyfriend may very well blame you when the breakup comes. The only way to avoid looking bad/culpable/responsible in their eyes - and get the girl without the beating - is to inform the lady that you’re into her and want to be with her, but that you can’t see her until she’s free and clear. No more hanging out, no more texting, no more skinny-dipping, no more showering together until she’s officially single and available.

Two of my closest friends, a straight couple, recently got engaged. As an engagement present, my female friend would like to include me in their sex life, potentially for just one evening or perhaps for longer. She and I have had a few make-out sessions while her fiancé watched, and I am somewhat turned on by the idea of taking our escapades further. But there’s a catch: I’m currently seeing someone who says he doesn’t consider hypothetical situations like this to be “cheating” but would probably be uncomfortable if I actually did this for my friends. Should I tell my friends I can’t go any further out of respect for his feelings, or tell him that the situation is no longer hypothetical and risk making him uncomfortable, or help my friends out on the condition that it only happens once and not tell him at all?

Toying With A Third

Well aren’t you the selfless little people-pleaser, TWAT. You’re willing to sleep with this couple - maybe once, maybe weekly - even though you’re only “somewhat turned on by the idea.” But if you “did this for [your] friends” - if you condescended to help them out - what do you tell the man you’re currently seeing? You could tell him the truth, of course, which would be the right thing, the responsible thing, the ethical thing - but that might make him uncomfortable, poor dear. So you hesitate. Oh, not out of selfish desire to avoid an awkward conversation, of course, just out of an overabundance of concern for his feelings.

Sorry, TWAT, since your boyfriend has already given you his hypothetical okay to get with your friends, there’s no way to justify making an engagement present of yourself without informing him in advance. And let’s be honest, shall we? Your reluctance to inform the boyfriend isn’t about a selfless desire to spare his feelings, but your cowardly desire to avoid an awkward conversation and - if he balks at this hypothetical becoming a reality - a potentially relationship-ending conversation.

But before you can be honest with the boyfriend, TWAT, you’re going to need to be honest with yourself. Repeat after me: “Honey, remember that couple, my insanely hot friends? They’ve asked me to have a three-way with them and I want to so bad my ovaries are throbbing - that cool with you?”

I’m a GGG 30-year-old straight male who was quite pleased with your response a while back to a woman who asked if her husband was gay since he enjoyed some stereotypically gay things. You told her that enjoying “gay” things doesn’t make a person gay. If a guy likes to get fucked in the ass by a dude, then he might be gay, you said. I’ve never been attracted to men, but I have always been ridiculed by friends and girlfriends for liking “gay” things, so much so that I began to wonder if I might be gay. Reading your advice was just the confidence boost I needed.

But then I let a girlfriend “experiment” on my ass. What started out as a kink with her finger has turned into a full-blown fetish with her dildo (non-penis-shaped). I wondered if this might be a sign, so I tried masturbating to some gay porn. Not for me. I still don’t have any desire to be with a man sexually, Dan, but I LOVE having my ass pounded. Does that tip the scales toward homo?

Doing Rear Entry Weekly

No homo, DREW.

Once again: If a man and a woman are doing it - whatever it is - it’s a heterosexual sex act. It doesn’t matter who’s on top, who’s wearing the lingerie, who’s being penetrated, or whether the dildo is penis-shaped or Glenn Beck–shaped. If a girl is doing it with/to a boy, it’s heterosexual sex. Gay people can have heterosexual sex, of course, and most gay people have straight sex before coming out. (Gay guys have straight sex in high school like straight guys have gay sex in prison: under duress.) But the relevant question, DREW, isn’t “How gay is this ass-fucking experiment?” but “What’s going through my mind during this ass-fucking experiment?”

When I fucked girls, I secretly wished/pretended they were boys. So worry about what’s going on in your head, DREW, and not what’s going on in your ass.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.

09.24.09

You are known far and wide as an arbiter of all aspects of sex and especially definitions of sex, so we are hoping that you can give your definitive opinion on an interesting conundrum.   My wife and I were recently regaling each other with anecdotes from our past, and she easily had the most interesting story: It seems that when she was a young woman in college, a fellow student invited her over for lunch. It turns out that he thought she was lunch. He quickly had her clothes off and was kissing her, although he was still dressed. Then he brought out a vibrator. He applied the vibrator, she had an orgasm, and then she called a halt to the proceedings. They went back to school, and that was the beginning and the end of their relationship.  

Did she have sex?  

Now, I think any time you have an orgasm you’ve had sex, and if someone else is present, even if they’re clothed, you definitely had sex. My wife’s view is that since he never got his clothes off and she never saw his cock, she really didn’t have sex. We would like your opinion on this.  

Definition Essential For Intensely Novel Experience  

Let’s say you and I met in a bar, DEFINE, while the wife was out of town, and we hit it off. And let’s say I took you home, stripped you naked, made out with you, sucked your dick, ate your ass, spanked you, tossed you in a sling, fist-fucked you, and then - with my right arm buried up to my elbow in your ass - slowly stroked you with my left hand until you blew a massive load all over your stomach, chest, and face.   Now let’s say I taped the whole thing and e-mailed a copy to your wife. I think it’s highly unlikely that your wife would turn to you after watching the video - remember: I don’t get naked, you never see my dick - put a hand on your knee, and say, “Well, I’m glad you didn’t have sex with Dan Savage.”  

Your wife clearly regrets going to that guy’s room; she regretted the moment she came, just as you would probably regret going home with me. These feelings prompt her to round this experience down to Not Sex, to minimize it, to exclude it from her sexual history on a technicality: He didn’t get naked; she didn’t get fucked. Your wife can attempt to rationalize away the sex she had in that dorm, DEFINE, but she had sex with that guy - and that guy’s vibrator - whether she wants to admit it or not.  

I’m writing to you to let you know that a huge fan and reader of your column has been in a coma since Saturday, September 5. He had a bad motorcycle accident and has a severe brain injury. His name is Jon Broom, and he’s my boyfriend, the love of my life, and my best friend. Even though he still hasn’t woken up, I’ve been reading your columns out loud to him so that he never misses one. I know you’re a busy man, but I thought I’d take a chance and ask if you could pass on his Facebook support group at “Get Well Jon” in one of your columns (www.tinyurl.com/m3ngc3). I think it would be awesome for him to look back and see your column when he wakes up and is able to function again.   We appreciate your writings and support for the people who ask for your advice. Here’s to hope, faith, and community.  

Penny Kim  

Oh, Penny, I’m so sorry. Best wishes for a full and speedy recovery. If you’re on Facebook - and who isn’t? - please join Jon’s support group.  

I just had to share with you my first reaction at reading this headline: “Santorum dips toes in 2012 Iowa waters.” My first thought was “Ewwww,” followed quickly by “Is that even possible?” After all, santorum is something that is dipped into, not something that can dip. And then I remembered that before “santorum” meant santorum it actually designated a person, a senator. But it took me a few seconds.  

Congratulations on a job well done. I expect I am not the only one who had this moment of cognitive dissonance upon reading this headline.  

A Faithful Reader  

Ben Smith at Politico reported last Tuesday that Republican former U.S. senator Rick Santorum plans to run for president. Political Wire linked to Smith’s post and added that “Santorum has a serious Google problem.” Truthdig linked to Political Wire’s post and spelled out Santorum’s Google problem: “The former senator’s rampant homophobia inspired sex columnist Dan Savage to launch a campaign to usurp the conservative’s name. The result: If you type ‘Santorum’ into Google, you’ll find that it refers not to a former senator, but ‘that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.’”  

From uppercase Santorum making the news with the announcement that he intends to run (runs?) for president to the full definition of lowercase santorum - in just three steps.   And who deserves the credit? Not me. The credit is yours, dear readers. It’s thanks to you that SpreadingSantorum.com - a blog that I haven’t updated since July of 2004 - remains the number-one hit on Google when you search “Santorum.” It was a Savage Love reader who first suggested that we usurp Rick Santorum’s name, another Savage Love reader who suggested the “frothy mixture” definition, and Savage Love readers who chose the winning definition in a free and fair election. Well done, gang.   We can’t take credit for Santorum losing his seat in the U.S. Senate to Bob Casey by 18 points. That was Rick’s doing. But we helped to make him ridiculous - there were so many headlines during his failed reelection campaign with “froth” or “frothy” in them. And for a politician, being an object of ridicule is a problem, which is why SpreadingSantorum.com and the “frothy mixture” definition of santorum are going to be a problem as Rick runs for president.  

“Maybe it’s time to start updating SpreadingSantorum.com again,” writes Savage Love reader P.B., “now that Rick is running for president.”  

I couldn’t agree more, P.B., but I’m a busy guy these days. Back when I was writing for SpreadingSantorum.com, I had only the column on my plate. Now I blog every day at thestranger.com/slog, I do a weekly podcast, I’ve got a bad case of talking headism, and I’m working on another stupid book. So I just don’t have the time to give SpreadingSantorum.com the attention it needs.  

But maybe some Savage Love readers do?  

If SpreadingSantorum.com is going to remain Google’s top hit when you search “santorum” - and it should - then the site needs to come back to life. So I’m looking for a few folks who want to torment Rick Santorum by following every twist and turn of his sure-to-be-disastrous run for the White House on SpreadingSantorum.com. (I may dip in every once in a while and post myself.) It would be helpful if one of the people posting to SpreadingSantorum.com was in Iowa, and it couldn’t hurt to have someone in New Hampshire, but you don’t have to live in either of those states. It would be labor of love - read: a nonpaying gig - but you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that you’re driving Rick Santorum and his supporters absolutely batshit (batshittier?).   If you think you’re the right person for this gig - if you think you’re right for SpreadingSantorum.com - write me at mail@savagelove.net.  

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

09.17.09

My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year. He knows I am an insecure person when it comes to my body. I’m not overweight, I’ve been told my whole life how good-looking I am, and my boyfriend tells me he loves my body. We have an active and interesting sex life. Here is my problem: I get upset when he looks at porn. I never had a problem with porn until my previous boyfriend (he preferred porn to sex). I’ve been uncomfortable about porn ever since. I wish I could get over this. My boyfriend knows I would love to share pornography together, but he just does it in private.

I suppose I got upset initially because my boyfriend told me on several occasions that he didn’t need to look at porn while he was in a relationship, and I believed him. I later saw on our computer that this wasn’t true, and he kept denying it until we had an argument. It bothers me that he felt like he had to lie about it.

Any help or ideas would be greatly appreciated to help me get over this.

Feeling Fucking Frustrated

P.S. When I’m alone and I look at the porn my boyfriend watches on the computer, it does turn me on a little and I masturbate thinking about him getting off to it. But I feel bad after I’m done. WTF?

The usual porn de la concorde - the only porn compromise that works - goes like this: He pretends not to look at porn, out of consideration for your feelings, and you pretend to believe him, out of consideration for his. And I would stick that advice on a pike and parade it under your window if it weren’t for that amazing little postscript: You’re turned on when you check out the porn your boyfriend’s been watching, and - this is a very important detail - you masturbate not so much to the porn itself but to the idea that this porn is getting your boyfriend off when you’re not around.

WTF? This the fuck: Your erotic imagination has been hard at work, FFF, breaking down your sexual fears and insecurities - about your looks, about porn, about your douchebag ex-boyfriend - and reconstructing them as a fetish. Congratulations, FFF, you’ve got a kink. It’s not an uncommon response: Sometimes our subconscious mind takes the lemons of our sexual insecurities and turns them into delicious bonerade. So what do you do now? You should begin to explore and cultivate - slowly, carefully, thoughtfully - your subconscious mind’s efforts to eroticize your boyfriend’s porn habits and your own insecurities. Here’s how:

He may never want to look at porn with you - he’s obviously self-conscious about it, which is why he lied (maybe he had a bad experience with an ex who freaked out about his porn-viewing habits that left him feeling insecure?) - but you’ve already proven that you two don’t have to watch porn together for both of you to get something out of it. He should continue to get off watching porn alone but then intentionally leave the clips for you, perhaps in a dedicated folder. You should look at those clips - alone - and get off watching the porn he watched and tormenting yourself - carefully - with mental images of him getting off to this stuff. Delete the clips you’ve looked at so that he knows you’re getting off, too, and knows to refill your clips folder.

You can turn this problem that you’re having with your boyfriend - he’s looking at porn, you’re masturbating about it - into a game you’re playing with your boyfriend. That will give your insecurities an erotic payoff - and that payoff could alleviate or eliminate those bad and abandoned feelings.

I have been in a stable poly relationship for 20 years. A good friend of mine knows this but rejects poly as a lifestyle choice for himself. He is in a “monogamous” relationship now. But he is willing to cheat on his girlfriend - with me if I wanted, but I’m not keen. My question is this: Why would someone pick cheating when they know about open or poly relationships? I don’t understand. I don’t see the logic in it.

Honest Open Poly Eros

Isn’t it obvious? Your friend wants to have sex with other people, HOPE, but he doesn’t want his girlfriend having sex with other people. What I don’t understand is why an honest poly can be friendly with a dishonest cheater. That’s like an out gay person being friends with a tormented closet case - where’s the logic in that?

And this has nothing to do with your question, HOPE, but I’ve got a little space to kill: The Bell Shoals Baptist Church in Brandon, Florida, made the news last week when its pastor replaced the megachurch’s 10 Pepsi vending machines with 10 Coke machines. The pastor felt that Pepsi was far too supportive of - can you guess? - “the gay lifestyle.”

What I found most remarkable about this story wasn’t the stupidity - more on that in a moment - but the fact that a single church in Florida has 10 soda-pop vending machines. Ten! You would think the good Christians at Bell Shoals could make it through an hour or two on a Sunday without a cold can of corn syrup.

And psst… Bell Shoals? Coke supports gay rights, too. Your best gay-hatin’ soda-pop option may be ZamZam Cola. It was a subsidiary of Pepsi, true, but that was before the Islamic Revolution. Made in Iran, ZamZam Cola is the most popular soft drink in Saudi Arabia, and I’m guessing the good folks at ZamZam don’t like the gays any more than you do. But if the “soft drink of the Hajj” doesn’t appeal to you, Bell Shoals, how about asking your parishioners to go without soda pop for an hour a week?

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the last five years, and we moved in together this past year. Our sex life is not too active and it’s an issue we’ve discussed numerous times. This has caused my self-esteem to plummet. And this aspect of our problem has made me very resentful: We’re very into D/s play and discovered our kinky interests early on. In fact, any time I bend him over and spank him or add a bit of bondage, our sex life picks right up again. I resent the fact that this is the only way I can get him interested. Is it possible that he’s only interested in kinky sex? Does it mean that good old-fashioned vanilla is out of the question?

I enjoy kink just as much as he does and sometimes more, but every once in a while I just want to be fucked. He’s actually had difficulty staying hard before if we’re “just” having missionary.

He Only Likes It Kinky

You have leverage here, HOLIK, use it.

The next time you wanna get fucked good and vanilla, HOLIK, whisper in the boyfriend’s ear that you are so gonna tie him up and beat his ass… tomorrow night. Then tell him if he wants that - and tell him that you know he wants it because he’s a dirty little pervert - he’s going to have to fuck you right now, and fuck you hard, and fuck you the way you wanna be fucked. Then once he’s fucking you, HOLIK, whisper something vaguely threatening in his ear once in a while - something about the beating he’s earning with his good vanilla behavior - and he won’t have any trouble staying hard.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.

09.10.09

As a 43-year-old single gay guy, I recently had my first spanking experience and am now feeling extreme guilt and self-loathing. I was in a very long-term vanilla relationship for most of my adult life and never got to experience anything remotely kinky, but I’ve had an interest in it.

Long story short, I answered an online personal ad, went to this guy’s house, and let him paddle me (he had a lot of spanking equipment). I quickly blew and quickly left. There was no sex other than me jerking myself while getting hit. Now I feel just awful. It’s not the spanking itself, but rather the anonymous nature of what I did. This type of hookup is just not my thing, as I am used to sex in the context of a loving, committed relationship. I honestly feel like I’ve let myself down, like I dropped my standards, and I fear I’m sliding down that slippery slope into a life of anonymous, kinky encounters. I’ve never wanted to be one of “those guys.” I know that sounds judgmental, but it’s how I feel and it’s killing me.

Right now I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I feel like puking all the time. I can’t talk to any of my friends about this - I’m too embarrassed. Please help put my mind at ease. Please tell me if getting spanked with a hand and paddles is risky for any sexually transmitted infections. Also, what can I do to deal with this guilt? I swear I’m not exaggerating here, and I really do need someone to talk to about this.

Shouldn’t Want Anonymous Thrashings

There’s no way you contracted a sexually transmitted infection during that spanking session, SWAT, so just calm the fuck down, okay?

Now…

You lived a little, SWAT, you had a little sexual adventure, you took a very short walk on the mild side of the wild side. And you learned something important about yourself in the process: Just having your kink indulged isn’t enough. You need your kink indulged in the context of a loving, committed relationship. You want to be spanked by someone you love and who loves you. That’s just how you’re wired. And luckily for you, there are lots of good, decent, quality guys out there who are into spanking and interested in loving, committed relationships.

Don’t believe me?

You’re one of those guys, SWAT. You are living proof that a guy can be relationship material and also be into spanking. Put yourself out there, put your kink out there, and you’ll meet other guys just like you.

I want a human pet. The human pet must become a dog. Once in pup mode, my pet will wear a butt-plug tail, a collar, and paw mitts. My pet will not speak anything other than its assigned safe word. Its communications will be limited to barking, moaning, licking, wagging its tail, etc. The whole point is that, when done right, there is a dog shaped like a human but the shape is the only thing that isn’t dog about my pet. The pet becomes so completely a dog that I wonder if it is bestiality to have sex with my dog/human pet.

Future Dog Lover

“Can vegans swallow?” used to be both the most annoying question and the most frequently asked question in the sex-advice business. Now it’s just the most frequently asked.

Some people consider their pets to be “members of the family,” but there’s nothing incestuous about fucking your dog. There’s something sick and wrong about it, of course, but it’s not incest. Similarly, a human pretending to be a dog is still a human, FDL, so having sex with your dog/human pet isn’t bestiality and never will be. I hope that doesn’t ruin it for you.

I’m a 19-year-old bisexual female, and my current girlfriend and I have been together about three months. She is pressuring me to come out to my family. I still live at home with my VERY Catholic parents, and I’m not in a good enough financial position to move out. If I were to come out to them, I would want ample distance between us and I wouldn’t want to be depending on them for a dwelling, school payments, auto insurance, etc. My girlfriend and I get along great, we are having a lot of fun together, and I wouldn’t want to lose her. But she says that she can’t be with me if I am ashamed of our relationship. I just don’t know what to do. Am I being a total cunt for hiding our relationship from my family? Or is she the total cunt?

Comfortable Living In Temporary Secrecy

She’s the cunt, CLITS, totally.

The reasons you’ve given her for not coming out to your family right this minute - fear of being retaliated against financially, fear of losing your home, fear of derailing your education - are not only legit, CLITS, they’re the only legit reasons to postpone coming out to your family. Unless your girlfriend can feed you, clothe you, house you, and cover your tuition, she shouldn’t be pressuring you to risk your future for the sake of a three-month relationship.

Finally, CLITS, it seems to me that the last thing a young lady with a pair of controlling assholes for parents needs is a controlling asshole for a girlfriend. Just sayin’.

Does asexuality actually exist? My partner’s younger brother claims to be asexual, but I think he’s just a maladjusted little shit and that he’s intimidated by the thought of sex. Your thoughts?

The Sister-In-Law

Asexuality must exist, TSIL, seeing as it has its own homepage - www.asexuality.org - where you can read this:

“Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like [those] in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other.”

I’ll probably be accused of asexophobia for suggesting that asexuals who date “sexual people” are obligated to disclose their asexuality preferably on the first date and certainly no later than the third date. Asexuals may have the same emotional needs as anyone else, but most of us sexuals - heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals - expect to have our emotional and sexual needs met in our “intimate romantic relationships,” thanks, and we’re going to want to know if that’s not in the cards before we get involved, not after. Someone who is incapable of meeting a sexual’s needs has no business dating a sexual in the first place, if you ask me. At the very least, asexuality must be disclosed. And I’m still trying to wrap my head around this:

“Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or to be monogamous in nonsexual relationships can be challenging…”

Um… since monogamy is understood to mean sexual exclusivity - you don’t fuck other people - I’m not sure how you define monogamy in a sexless relationship. Does your asexual partner promise not to not fuck other people?

As for your brother-in-law, TSIL, I don’t see what his asexuality and/or hang-ups have to do with you. If you’re prying into your BIL’s sex life, TSIL, I’d say he’s not the only maladjusted little shit in the family.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.

09.03.09

I love my boyfriend of three years, but I fucked up. We’ve had our ups and downs - he broke up with me for two months last summer because he said he was “young and needs to feel free” - but we’ve always worked through things. He is super supportive of me, and we’ve both really grown a lot as people together. But despite the affection and love, I just don’t feel wanted. I don’t feel like he wants to fuck my brains out like he used to. In fact, he rarely does, even when I try to initiate sex. Over the last six months, I’ve struggled with depression and not feeling sexy, and not feeling wanted is making both things worse. Last year, we talked about opening up our relationship, but I wasn’t really comfortable with it.

Long story short, I went to visit a friend in another city who lives practically next door to a former fling of mine from four years ago, and I ended up fooling around with the former fling. It wasn’t full sex, but it was highly inappropriate. And yet… it felt so good to be wanted so badly.

I feel like a terrible person for so many reasons. I told my boyfriend - he didn’t respond emotionally, and after 45 minutes he got up and left and said he would call me when he knew how he felt. I want him to forgive me, but I have a feeling he can’t. I don’t want to cause him any more pain than I already have, but I have no idea how to do that. Do I give him space? Do I go on with my life?

Self-Loathing Unfaithful Tramp

Go on with your life, SLUT. Suicide seems a little drastic, given the circumstances, so let’s not open a vein over this.

It seems to me that the boyfriend was causing you a great deal of pain before you caused him pain. He has essentially rejected you again and again - the time he broke things off so he could “feel free” (what are you, a cage?) and the many times he’s rejected you sexually and made you feel unwanted. Your sexual and emotional needs were not being met, and you succumbed to the attentions of a man who made you feel wanted. And that was unfortunate, SLUT, but it wasn’t entirely your fault. If the boyfriend wasn’t sending you the mother of all mixed signals - doesn’t want to leave you, doesn’t want to fuck you - you would have been either single and free to fool around on that trip or not at all interested in fooling around because you were getting what you needed at home.

So feel a little bad about what you did - you were technically involved with someone else when you messed around with that former fling - but don’t feel too bad. This relationship needed to end; it wasn’t making either of you happy. Think of it this way: You slammed your car into a brick wall and totaled the thing. But it was a lemon, SLUT, and now you’re free to get yourself a new ride.

I have been considering becoming a woman. But the straight women I have talked to about this are very reluctant to assist me in my transition from being male to being female. I am wondering if you think that lesbians might be more open-minded in assisting me in my transition.

Gender Identity Readjustment Looming

You’re considering becoming a woman - that’s wonderful, GIRL, very interesting, very compelling stuff, always a special time in a man’s life. But it’s not like you’re rushing a sorority; current members - the straight women you’ve approached, the lesbians you’re thinking about approaching - are not obligated to answer your questions, offer you assistance, host a tea, or take even the slightest interest in your transition. Find a support group for MTFs, GIRL, and you’ll find plenty of women - longtime members and new pledges - interested in hearing about your journey. But leave the women you meet in the normal course of your life - straight women and lesbians who are not your friends - alone.

There have to be people out there, walking among us, who enjoy having sex with those stretched earlobe holes, right? The first cook to be kicked off the new season of Top Chef had her lobes stretched around what looked like rims from P. Diddy’s ride. I’m writing for confirmation that this “community” exists.

Happy With Seven Holes

As a general rule, HWSH, if it can be fucked, someone out there somewhere is fucking it, has fucked it, is about to fuck it, and has already posted videos of them fucking it on XTube. Not every hole gets a “community,” HWSH, but every hole gets its fair share.

My hubby wants to do anal for my first time, him fucking me, and that’s fine - but I’m only going to let him do it after he eats his own goo! Standoff! We’ve been married 17 years, and I think it would be hot! He thinks not! I say fair trade! I go down on him after he puts it in me sometimes, so I know how I taste! Am I the only woman who has ever asked her husband to eat his goo?!?

He is willing, finally, because he really, really wants to get into my ass. But was it wrong for me to ask? Am I a freak?!? I’ve asked around, and all my girls think I’m crazy and that it’s a bad sign about our relationship! But we’ve got two great kids and we love each other and we have a really happy life! I just want to see my hubby eat his goo! My girls tell me I must be trying to make him gay! Nope! I just figured if he gets something he wants, I get something I want! Am I a freak?!? Please help!!! Tell me I am not a freak! Tell me others write about this!

You are respected in our household, and my husband will hear your answer because I intend to read it to him!!!

Great Oozing Orgasms

You’re a freak, GOO - not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. As for the particulars…

You made granting your consent to fulfill his fantasy contingent upon his consenting to fulfill yours. That was manipulative and unfair of you, GOO, but it was also pretty freaking hot, just the kind of good-natured, give-and-take-no-prisoners power play that keeps the sex interesting after 17 years of marriage. And I don’t just say that as a fan of goo-eating generally - you might have gotten a “yes” quicker if you didn’t insist on calling it “goo” - but as a fan of sexual adventures and pushing boundaries.

You set a bar for the husband to clear, GOO, but you didn’t set it too high or impossibly high. You weren’t asking him to let you fuck his ass first, fair but more challenging, or to swallow some other dude’s load, unfair and extremely challenging. You didn’t ask him to do something he absolutely, positively couldn’t do, and you didn’t ask him to do something you haven’t done yourself (swallow his loads, taste your own juices).

Finally, there’s nothing gay about a guy eating his own come - unless, of course, he’s eating it off some other guy.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.

08.27.09

There was a letter in your column recently that must have been painful for you to receive. I refer to the letter signed God Hates You. I’m sure you’re no stranger to hate mail, being an openly gay sex-advice columnist, but I hope you get fan mail too. But just in case: I wanted you to know that your column means a lot to me, and I love your bluntness, openness, and honesty. It is comforting to see a pragmatic, funny, and, for the most part, compassionate voice in print nowadays, especially when it comes to something that so many are as willfully ignorant about as sex.

You Do Good Work

A lot of people wrote in after reading GHY’s letter. Most wanted to reassure me that God does not, in fact, hate me. And most, like YDGW here, assumed that GHY’s letter must have hurt my feelings. I want to thank everyone for your kind words - and I mean that sincerely - but someone telling me that God hates me is about as hurtful as someone telling that the Blue Fairy thinks I look fat in these jeans. (“Really? She does? Thanks, I really needed to hear that - now I’m gonna go sit on the other side of the subway car and silently ask the Blue Fairy for fashion guidance, okay?”)

As for fan mail, YDGW, I get my fair share. But I don’t typically run fan letters because I’ve found better ways to pleasure myself. I am, however, going to make an exception this week and run a few letters from satisfied Savage Love customers. Not because I like having sunshine blown up my ass - I prefer to have other things blown up my ass, thanks - but because we know GHY is out there reading, and I’m thinking letters from people who’ve found my advice useful will annoy him way more than letters from people who wanted to let me know that God loves me. So this one’s for you, GHY…

I am a 21-year-old straight girl, and I wanted to thank you. Reading your column and listening to your podcast over the years has made my sex and love life so much better than it ever could have been without your fantastic advice. It gave me the courage to tell my partner about my interest in BDSM and to be really GGG when he shared his fantasies with me. I’ve recommended your column and podcast to friends having relationship and sex troubles, and they all come back to tell me how much your advice helped them. I wanted to thank you on behalf of shy girls everywhere who secretly want to be tied up and spanked.

Eternally Grateful

I owe you a thank-you. Since I began reading your column over a year ago, I have realized my sexual desires are not perverse (and if they are, certainly nothing to be ashamed of) and began talking with my girlfriend about experimenting with them. As such, the two of us have moved on from anal-sex toys and are now about to embark on full-on pegging. She’s as excited about it as I am, and we wouldn’t have gotten to such a level of sexual satisfaction if not for the work you do. I’ll be thinking of you while my girlfriend bangs my hot ass!

A Devoted Reader

Thanks for your advice about the “death grip” and the damage males can do when they grip themselves too tightly while masturbating. I had that problem: At age 48, a lifetime of death grip left me incapable of coming during regular intercourse. I have never had an orgasm with a partner from intercourse or oral or anal sex (my orientation is hetero). I carefully followed your advice and lightened my touch and started using my left hand (I’m right-handed) to provide the lighter stimulation that you advised. Any time I was tempted to revert to the death grip, I squeezed my thumb and index finger together, forming a ring without contracting it. This managed to fool my death-grip conditioning without increasing the pressure on my penis. It took a while, but now I’m able to come from lighter stimulation! Thank you!

Beautiful Orgasms Beat Odds

I started reading your column toward the end of my sophomore year of high school, which was about a year after I started hooking up with girls. I was immediately drawn to it because your “moral code” is based on common sense. That, and it was about sex and I was a sophomore.

I tend to be insecure, and I tend to tell the wrong joke at the wrong time. The one area in my life where I’m not insecure, however, is in the bedroom, and it’s almost entirely thanks to your column. I’ll kick myself repeatedly for saying the wrong thing to a girl, but if I don’t perform to the best of my abilities one night, I can let it go. I’ve learned what my boundaries are and how to push them. I knew that not being 100 percent straight doesn’t make you bi or gay, so there was no identity crisis when I questioned my sexuality. Most importantly, I know how to ask and I know how to give.

Thanks, Dan. If politicians want to get serious about reducing the amount of abortions, teenage pregnancies, and divorces in this country, they should hire you to draw up a national sex-ed curriculum.

Grateful Straight Boy

Thank you for saying some kind words about “conveniently located and economically priced sex workers” in your column. I agree that they deserve more gratitude and respect. In my case, I am a successful, decent-looking professional and a widower with three kids. I don’t have any trouble getting dates. However, in my experience, dates either turn into relationships that I don’t have time for or long conversations that I don’t have time for about how I don’t have time for a relationship. So once every couple months or so, I see a professional. I don’t have to feel bad that I may not see her again, and I don’t get accused of misleading anyone. I would like to tell your readers that they shouldn’t feel bad if they are seeing pros. They should enjoy it for what it is, which is a great time with a pretty girl and well worth the money.

Prefers Sex Workers

I had been reading your column for years, and each time you told someone to DTMFA - dump the motherfucker already! - I wondered why the people sending those sad letters needed your advice at all. Couldn’t they see that they were miserable? Then one day I had an epiphany and realized, while reading your column, that I could have authored one of those DTMFA letters.

It’s now three years since I dumped the motherfucker. I got a transfer within my company and started over in a new city. It was overwhelming. But this weekend, I was lying in bed with my new boyfriend and I was thinking about my life. It is so NICE to have someone who isn’t horrified that I like porn, someone who listens to my fantasies and likes to try new things. Someone who appreciates my cooking, doesn’t pout when I beat him at video games, and tells me I’m beautiful.

I want to thank you. I was in denial, and your column was my wake-up call. I’m happier now than I ever thought possible.

Content Lady In Toronto

You’re welcome, one and all. Next week, back to the screaming, yelling, recriminations, freaks, fetishes, and fuckwits.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.

08.20.09

I just turned 20 and have been out of the closet for a year. A lesbian friend wants to hook me up with her gay friend, let’s call him Kyle, a cute, fit boy who runs track and does theater. The issue is, he’s just 17 and starting his senior year in high school, while I am entering my junior year in college. The age of consent where we live is 16. I realize the age difference is not too big, but he is technically still a minor. I’m only mildly experienced (I’ve had just one boyfriend), and I’d like to think I’m a nice guy. Also, the gay pickings are rather slim around here.

Are there certain things to keep in mind besides the usual respect and honesty, or should I treat this as any other potential meeting? Does the “campsite” rule apply with such a small age gap?

Man In Need Of Recommendation

Meet the boy.

If you hit it off, MINOR, it would be a shame if you didn’t allow Kyle to benefit from your wisdom, experience, and cock just because he wasn’t born 12 months earlier. And if you start going steady - which is what kids used to do before hooking up ruined everything - and he’s out to his family, I would urge you to meet his parents. They might not be entirely comfortable with their son’s sexuality, and meeting the college boy who’s boning their son might be awkward. But if you go out of your way to reassure them about your intentions toward their son - above and beyond boning - they may feel a bit more at ease about the relationship.

As for the campsite rule - “leave him in better shape than you found him” - others have pointed out that the rule should apply regardless of age, sexuality, species, etc. I agree, of course, but I still believe that older, wiser, and more experienced partners have a special responsibility to leave their sex partners in better shape than they found them and should be encouraged to make a special effort.

I’m 35, gay, and in a six-year relationship. My husband - not really, here in Tennessee, but I call him that anyway - is 38, and we have a great relationship. We have been monogamous up till now but are open to inviting select others into our bed. This was prompted by a friend we recently made whom we both find attractive and who has expressed an interest in us both. He is 24, cute, and just starting out in Gaydom. We don’t expect anything long-term, just a nice, mellow friend-with-benefits scenario.

Any suggestions as to issues we might want to discuss up front?

Good Gay Guys

Tell the 24-year-old not to expect anything long-term, GGG, and let him know that while you will be treating him like a piece of meat, you will also be treating him like a human being. Make sure he understands that his presence in your lives - and your bed - is meant to be fun and temporary. You two get to spice it up with some strange; he gets to benefit from your wisdom, experience, and cocks. And tell him that while he’ll have a blast with you two, he shouldn’t pass on a date with a potential boyfriend, should one appear on the scene - but so long as you three are friends-with-benefiting-it-up, you would like to be informed about any other sexual contacts he might have.

Then show him the ropes, teach him about sexual safety, encourage him to open up to you guys about anything he’s ever wanted to try, help him find his place in Gaydom, and when it comes to an end - as it will and should - make an effort to remain friends.

I am a gay male. A couple of months ago, I developed a friendship with a gay married couple. We hit it off great - I really enjoy their company. Then they took me aside and “invited” me into their marriage, and so now I’m in one of those “polyamorous” groups. I have never been in one before.

I thought I would be able to open myself up to both of them, but for some reason I can’t seem to feel love for them both at the same time. I’ve always seen myself as a strict-monogamy kind of guy. I thought a three-way would be fun, but when I’m with two guys, I feel like I’m just a piece of meat. I am probably not making much sense, but I would like some advice, if you could, please. I feel inadequate because I can’t feel comfortable in this relationship.

Feel Like A Prude

So… after knowing you for two months, this couple essentially proposed to you, inviting you “into their marriage,” and you accepted. Hmm. Exit this marriage at once, FLAP. Not because you’re a prude - clearly you’re open to trying new things - but because at two months, they were idiots to propose and you were an idiot to accept.

Backing up: Trying something and not liking it doesn’t mean that you’re a prude, FLAP, it only means that “it” either wasn’t for you or that you tried “it” with the wrong person(s). I suspect the latter in this case. If these guys, after two months, had invited you to hang out with them, to roll around with them, to drop by twice a week for a leisurely spit roasting, I suspect you would’ve had a better experience, FLAP. Inviting you over to be treated like a piece of meat - and a human being - would’ve been honest. All you could really be at two months is a piece of meat and a friend-with-benefits; you couldn’t be a husband and in love with both of them equally. Their unreasonable expectations, and your attempt to live up to them, ruined what could’ve been a nice little affair.

I’m a gay dude who has been trying to find an all-natural and organic lube. The only one my hubby and I liked was a brand called Bliss, but alas, they stopped making it. When I try to look online or at the local co-op, the only all-natural sex lubricants I can find all say something to the effect of “closest possible to a woman’s natural vaginal fluids.” I have two problems with this. Problem number one: eeewwwww. Problem number two: When I have sampled these just-like-vaginal-fluids lubes, they seem very thin. A healthy bout of anal sex needs something with a bit more viscosity. Is there an all-natural lube out there that doesn’t quickly dry out and washes off easily? Some friends keep suggesting vegetable oils, but I don’t want to have to wash off my junk with Dawn after sex.

Lubing Up Butts Environmentally Safely

“Not that vaginal juices are eeewwwww-ey,” says Rachel Venning, cofounder of Babeland, one of my favorite sex-toy shops. “But I don’t want a jar of them on my nightstand either. I want something that stays slick longer, like packaged lube.”

Babeland makes its own organic lube, a water-based lube called Naked that’s thick, latex-safe, and good for butt play. “It comes in totally ungendered, nonplastic packaging,” Venning adds, making it perfect for squeamish-about-girl-bits fags like you and me, LUBES. “Another new brand of organic lube to try is Sliguid Organics Gel. There is a teeny-tiny women’s symbol in the logo, but if that isn’t too much of a turnoff for this man-loving man, it’s good stuff.”

Vegetable oils aren’t condom-safe, of course, but if you and your partner are seroconcordant and having anal sex with only each other, Venning suggested “some natural unguent from the beauty aisle - shea-butter balm or the like. Not as slippery as lube but lasts longer.”

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

08.13.09 

Do you think post-op transgender people have any obligation to tell their lovers they were once the other sex?

On The Fence

Yes.

I’m in my 40s and straight. My wife of nine years is no longer interested in sex. Period. She relents every few weeks, but it’s never enjoyable for either of us. As a result, I haven’t had a blowjob in about eight years, I can’t touch her beautiful tits, kissing is without tongue, and our rare sex is missionary and in the dark. I’m miserable.

I believe she’s depressed. She refuses to get help, saying that if only I would do this or that, she would be more willing. But I do this and that, and she’s still not interested. After a lot of talking, she suggested that I find a girlfriend for sex. However, she set conditions that were unrealistic: She wanted to meet and approve of her before I slept with her; and I could only see this other person late at night, with the wife’s permission, which would only be granted after ALL other family obligations were satisfied (kids in bed, bills paid, trash taken out, etc.). I preferred a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach. She then withdrew the idea entirely. I proceeded to meet and sleep with several different women anyway, and I am now seeing one regularly. Sex is enjoyable again.

My question: I know that people would say I am cheating on my wife, but am I wrong to feel just as cheated by her?

Need Some Answers

No.

You are a terrible person who shouldn’t be allowed to give advice to anyone about anything. Whose idea was it to give an asshole faggot like you an advice column, anyway? You’re a stupid piece of shit who doesn’t know anything about sex or the human heart, and you will regret everything you’ve ever done and every word you’ve ever written once you die and have to stand before your Creator.