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05.27.10

 

Where can a straight guy find a transsexual woman who is NOT a hooker and just wants to be friends (with benefits)? I know of one club where they hang, but they are mostly hookers there. I would like to go someplace where I could meet one and see if we could hit it off and go from there. I know they are out there, but I just can’t find them! Help a brother out! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!

 

Lonely Tranny Lover

 

If what you’re looking for is a transsexual who’ll allow you to fuck her - or who’ll fuck you - but who won’t require you to have an actual relationship with her, LTL, then you’ll have to pay some nice woman for her time and her emotional distress, like all the other straight guys out there into MTFs. Why do they have to pay? Because, LTL, it’s kinda shredding to sexually service someone who’s embarrassed to be seen in public with you. Just ask any openly gay man dating a closet case and/or a Catholic priest, or any BBW sleeping with a man who’s married to a rail-thin trophy wife he isn’t physically attracted to. Someone who puts up with that kind of bullshit - “You blow me, I blow you off” - should be compensated for her time, pain, and suffering.

 

It’s nice that you’re willing to be friends with the transsexual you’re fucking, LTL - that puts you above most straight-identified men who are into trans women. But most trans women, hookers or not, want more than that. They want love, companionship, intimacy, and a commitment - you know, all that shit non-trans women want. Be open to an actual relationship, LTL, and you’ll have an easier time finding a non-pro who’s open to you.

 

I’m a 24-year-old straight female in a relationship. The sex is great, except for one thing: My boyfriend is so fucking quiet while we are having sex. No words, no moans, a stone-cold facial expression. I know he is enjoying himself because he always comes and he initiates sex as often as I do. However, his stoic demeanor makes it hard for me to really get into stuff that isn’t directly pleasurable for me. It’s hard to be motivated to choke on someone’s cock when they look and act like they can’t even feel anything.

 

I’ve mentioned this to him several times after sex, and he just laughs it off and then says something like, “Do you expect me to scream like a girl?” I’ve told him that that’s not at all what I expect. I just want some sign of life! One time, I purposely remained completely silent during an orgasm, like he does, and he became very self-conscious. He didn’t believe me when I told him I came, and I asked him how he likes it when I’m quiet. He thought this was funny, and then things went back to normal.

 

Why is he so quiet? What can I do?

 

We’re Not In The Library

 

Stop treating this like it’s a problem, WNITL, even if you experience it that way, and start treating it like a challenge and a game.

 

Give him a blowjob, choke on that cock, bring him right to the edge, then pull his cock out of your mouth and say, “Do you like that? Are you close? You want me to keep going?” Then look up at him and slowly stroke his cock - not fast enough to get him off, but not so slowly that you’ll have to start that blowjob all over again - and wait for his response. When he says something, put his dick goes back in your mouth. When he stops talking, his dick comes back out. Or if he’s fucking you and he’s getting close, wrap your legs around his ass and pull him in and hold him there so he can’t thrust. Then say, “Feel good? Getting close? Wanna finish?” Don’t let him budge until he talks; don’t let him continue if he stops talking.

 

Be playfully, sexily confrontational, WNITL, and you’ll be able to extract the feedback you want during sex while helping him get over his insecurities about how men are supposed to act during sex.

 

My boyfriend/fiancé likes to be put in a cage, and we have a very scary-looking cage in my closet. (God help me if my mother ever finds it - I’ll be in more trouble than that guy whose mother found his life-size sex doll!) His biggest turn-on is to come home on Friday night, go right into his cage, and for me to keep him there until Sunday morning. I only let him out if he needs to have a bowel movement or if I want to screw. (There’s a bottle of water in his cage if he gets thirsty and an empty bottle if he needs to pee, and he doesn’t get fed much because he’s not exactly burning calories in there.)

 

I’ve been reading your column since I was 19 (I’m 27 now), I’m GGG, and I’m happy to do this for my boyfriend. And knowing he’s in there waiting for me - and doing crunches to pass the time (you should see his abs!) - does make me horny, too. The issue: I won’t leave our apartment when he’s locked up. What if there’s a fire? Or we get burgled? Or if there’s a meteor strike? Or a terrorist attack? He says I’m being paranoid and that it really turns him on to know that I’m out with my girlfriends, having drinks or whatever, while he’s locked up in my closet “with the rest of my things.” Who’s in the right here?

 

My Boyfriend Is My Prisoner

 

P.S. Our only other conflict: He insisted we find a place with two closets, one of them walk-in, because he wants to be stored in my closet, not a shared closet, “with the rest of my things.” (That phrase really turns him on - he’s one of my things!) We passed on some beautiful apartments because the closets weren’t perfect, and my mom - who helped with the down payment and apartment-shopped with us - thought we were crazy. If only she knew!

 

You’re in the right, MBIMP. If there’s a fire or a robbery or meteor strike - or if you get hit by a car and wind up in a coma for three months and he slowly starves to death in your apartment - then you could go to jail for manslaughter and/or negligent homicide. So that fiancé thing of yours shouldn’t be left alone when he’s in his cage; no one should ever be left alone tied-up and/or imprisoned. If he insists on you going out on a cage weekend, MBIMP, then you’ll have to hire a sitter - bondage, not baby. Take out a personal ad, lay out what you need (someone to be there, in case something happens, but that’s all), and very, very carefully interview applicants. Better yet, get involved with your local BDSM group, make some kinky friends, and see if anyone is up for a little bondagesitting.

 

Or, hey, you can live a little dangerously: Give your boyfriend a cell phone, don’t go far, and instruct your prisoner to call if he smells smoke while he’s doing his crunches.

 

A PROGRAMMING NOTE: Lots of folks have asked me where my iPhone app is. Well, I didn’t have one - until now. The Savage Love iPhone app has been submitted to Apple. Will they accept it? Or will it be too porny for Steve Jobs? Stay tuned. In the meantime, you can still find a new Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) at thestranger.com/savage every Tuesday.

 

mail@savagelove.net

 

05.20.10

 

One of my best friends at college is gay. I’m a straight female and I’m in a committed relationship with my own boyfriend. We’re going to be sophomores in the fall, and I feel like this is about the age where coming out to one’s parents is in order. However, my friend’s parents are incredibly conservative. His older brother is also gay - and when he came out, his parents immediately cut off all funding for college and excommunicated him from the family, so my friend is understandably terrified.

 

When his parents come into town to visit, I am sometimes asked to tag along on “dates” with him to “meet the parents.” It’s a free meal, so it’s mostly cool with me, but it feels a little dirty to lie so blatantly to his mom and dad about how “in love” we are.

 

Moreover, my friend is coming to my house in California this summer. I had said I would love for him to come visit - as a friend. But his parents think he’s going to be staying with his girlfriend, and they’re thinking of tagging along so they can finally meet their future in-laws, i.e., MY PARENTS. I feel like this is getting way out of hand, and I’m not sure what to do. My friend is also feeling more and more cornered. How far should we take this act?

 

I Should Win An Oscar

 

When you feel bad about lying, ISWAO, remind yourself that you’re doing a good deed - you’re doing God’s work - every time you pass yourself off as this boy’s girlfriend. Yes, you’re lying to his mean-spirited, emotionally abusive parents, two complete shits who deserve so much worse than simply being misled.

 

When they excommunicated their older son after he came out, they essentially put their younger son, your friend, on notice: The consequences of telling the truth would be severe. So he lies to them because - for the time being - he must.

 

You should ask him to do three things to secure your continued cooperation in this deception. First, he has to make a solemn promise that he will come out to his parents the day after he graduates. Second, he has to reach out to his excommunicated brother and, if his brother can be trusted to keep his secret, he has to come out to his brother. Third, he has to break up with you at the end of the school year.

 

The course of true love never did run smooth, as someone or other once said, so a painfully messy June breakup with his college girlfriend - right before summer break! - not only makes your friend’s Potemkin heterosexuality that much more credible, it also gets you off the hook for this ill-advised summer visit. Then when September rolls around, ISWAO, you two crazy kids get back together. Repeat as necessary, i.e., be “on again” every once in a while when his parents are in town, be “off again” when your parents are in town, over summer breaks, holidays, etc.

 

And help him look around for his next girlfriend - perhaps a lesbian student with similarly batshit parents - because he can’t expect you to be his beard for your entire college career.

 

I am a gay male teenager. I have not yet come out to my parents (I plan to soon), but my friends know. I’m curious why I relate more easily to my straight friends and am increasingly uncomfortable with my gay friends. Specifically, I have a lesbian friend who often makes jokes about “how gay I am.” When she makes these statements, I am often offended. In your opinion, are statements like that offensive (even considering the source)? Or am I still uncomfortable with myself? I am not shy, but I will admit that extreme campiness makes me uncomfortable.

 

Your opinion on this matter would mean a lot to me.

 

Lost And Disillusioned

 

It’s good to have a sense of humor about yourself, LAD, whether you’re gay or straight or bi or whatever. Shrug off your lesbian friend’s comments if they’re not funny, laugh along with her if they are.

 

As for your preference for your straight friends: There are a lot more openly straight kids in your life than there are openly gay kids. That means you’re drawing your straight friends from a much larger pool and you’re able to be more selective about the straight people you hang out with. Right now, you can’t afford to be as selective when it comes to gay friends because (1) most gay kids your age aren’t out and (2) gays and lesbians are a tiny percentage of the population and you won’t meet lots of us until you get to one of those places where gays and lesbians clump up, i.e., large universities and big cities. Then you’ll be able to forge friendships with gays and lesbians whom you have something in common with besides your sexuality.

 

In the meantime, LAD, don’t write off all gays and lesbians everywhere as potential friends just because the few you had to choose from as a teenager weren’t among your best friends.

 

I need your help. I have entered into a period of my life where I am devoting all my mental resources toward my academics - grad school - and am not interested in dating. Thus, I bought a Real Doll so that I may enjoy fantastic masturbation during this loveless period of my life. Unfortunately, while my parents were visiting, my mom discovered it and she reacted very, very badly.

 

You see, my dear mother is a feminist.

 

She is very upset by the doll and believes that it is an indication that I have lost all respect for women. I honestly do not feel this is true at all. I view myself as a feminist, and I realize this society sexually objectifies women. But I also believe that I can masturbate with a rubber woman and have wild fantasies and then come back to reality and have respect for everyone - men, women, others. My mother, however, is extremely upset, and we haven’t been able to have a civil conversation since. I am hoping you can possibly give me some perspective on this matter.

 

Dolled Up

 

My perspective: Your masturbatory routines - including your masturbatory aids/aides - are none of your mother’s fucking business. And if your mother wants to be shocked by something, DU, it ought to be that her son-the-grad-student had $5K to plunk down on a sex toy.

 

Your options at this stage are pretty limited. You can apologize to your mother and tell her what she wants to hear (“You’re right, Mom, what was I thinking? I’m making an appointment with a therapist now, Mom. I’m donating my Real Doll to sex-starved grad students in Africa…”). Or you can tell your mother to fuck off and butt out (“It’s my dick, Mom, and I’ll stick it in whatever I want. You remember that ‘my body, my choice’ stuff, right?”).

 

That said, DU, your claim that you bought a Real Doll so you could “enjoy fantastic masturbation during this loveless period of my life” doesn’t quite pass the smell-of-day-old-spunk-moldering-in-the-lifeless-orifice-of-a-silicone-dummy test. Most guys manage to tough out their loveless periods with the help of the porn industry, their own right hand, and real, live sex workers. And most guys who opt for insanely expensive, life-size, hard-to-hide sex dolls do have issues with women - most are plagued by feelings of inadequacy, not superiority - so you may want to entertain the possibility that your mother might be right.

 

But even if you do have issues with women - and that’s still an if - they’re still none of your mother’s fucking business.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

05.13.10

 

I’m a mostly gay male with a boyfriend who is also mostly gay. We are into BDSM - we are both tops and sometimes play with other sub men. I say we are “mostly” gay because we do like to fuck/top submissive women once in a while. We haven’t done this a lot, and never together because we don’t have the same taste in women - until recently. One of our new neighbors, a straight female, is very shy, but she’s opened up to us about her interest in BDSM. We took her to a play party, and she was okay watching others play, but any time anyone expressed an interest in her, she clammed up and withdrew. She stayed at our side the entire time.

 

We are interested in propositioning her. Our dilemma is in how to approach someone so gun-shy. We want to seduce her into the experience and not make her uncomfortable, but we can’t agree as to how to go about it. Another issue is that we think the reason she has been so open with us is because she assumes we are both 100 percent gay.

 

Two Guys And A Girl Toy

 

She meets two guys who live together, have presumably noisy BDSM sex with each other and other men, and identify themselves as gay. I’m sure you can appreciate why, under the circumstances, your neighbor might assume you two were gay, right? And that assumption convinced her it was safe to open up to you guys about her sexual interests - interests that are clearly scaring the shit out of her for the moment - because she further assumed, entirely reasonably, that you guys didn’t wanna stick your dicks in her.

 

The sooner you come clean, the likelier you are to get into her pants, mouth, ass, twat, etc. Do not attempt to be seductive. Putting the moves on her now could transform a minor and perhaps unwitting violation of her trust into a relationship-ending violation. Instead, just be, um, straight with her: “We should’ve said something sooner, [her name here], but we’re both actually bi, and we thought you should know that. And we also wanted you to know that we’re both attracted to you and, hey, if you want to explore any of this stuff that you’re curious about with us, we’d be up for that. If not, we’re happy to keep being your kinky, gay-identified, completely platonic buddies.”

 

I read with interest the letter from the guy who hacked his ex-girlfriend’s e-mail and discovered that she had been cheating on him. I am in a similar situation, if a little more messed-up. I am a single, thirtysomething female who has been having a long-term affair with a married man. We have one rule: We tell one another if and when we fool around with other people. About a year ago, I discovered another affair he was involved in while he was out of the country, which he failed to disclose to me. I discovered it because he left his e-mail unattended. He was not apologetic, and I ended up being the one who begged for forgiveness for invading his privacy. He did, however, promise to end his relationship with the woman overseas. I recently discovered that he has struck up a fresh correspondence with this same woman. I gained this knowledge by invading his privacy again - this time by outright hacking his e-mail - but he also betrayed me, and he needs to be held accountable.

 

You are probably wondering why I am not just cutting this guy out of my life. We have amazing sex and enjoy the same kinks. It is difficult to find someone trustworthy to engage in these activities with. But how can I trust anything he says anymore? I really want to call him on this. He broke our rules. Do you think I am out of line in confronting him?

 

Mistress Is Pissed

 

According to the “Mistress, whining about being cheated on” listing in the Association of American Advice Columnists’ Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Staggeringly Self-Serving Bullshit, I’m supposed to slap the shit out of you, MIP. The DSM instructs me to respond to letters like yours with something like this: “Your lover is cheating on his wife with you, you dumb piece of shit, and you’re shocked to learn that he’s cheating on you, too?” That strikes me as a little harsh. So I’ll go with this instead: You can’t expect a guy to take your rules more seriously than he takes his vows.

 

As for confronting him: The last time you confronted him about another other-woman, MIP, you wound up begging for his forgiveness. So let’s skip the confrontation and accept reality: Unless you’re willing to walk away from the amazing sex, unless you’re willing to dump the motherfucker, he’s going to go on cheating on you and lying to you about it, rules or no rules. He won’t disclose when he’s messing around with other other-women, MIP, because it’s not just the sex that turns him on. Sneaking around, getting away with it, deceiving you and his wife and his other other-women - all of that gives him a feeling of power and control, and those feelings are as, or more, important to him than the orgasms. Accept it or get out.

 

I have a question and don’t know who else to ask: I need support under my scrotum in order to ejaculate. I am 52 years old, and this condition has gotten worse as I have gotten older. When I am having intercourse, I need a position that supports or raises my scrotum, and when I masturbate, I need to put something under it. Is this okay? Is there a solution to make coming during intercourse easier?

 

This Old Scrote

 

Before I touch on your sack, TOS, I’d like to briefly - very briefly - touch on George Rekers’s.

 

Rekers is a towering figure in the religious right. He’s the cofounder of the Family Research Council; a member of the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality, a group that claims it can cure homosexuality; and the go-to guy for “expert” testimony about how gay people threaten and endanger children. And last week, Rekers got busted coming back from a 10-day European vacation with a 20-year-old male escort he found on Rentboy.com. Rekers told two reporters from the Miami New Times that he “can’t lift luggage,” so what other choice did he have but to hire a 20-year-old with an eight-inch cock?

 

To mark the downfall of yet another crazy and hypocritical closet case, I propose that “whatever floats your boat” be immediately permanently retired in favor of “whatever lifts your luggage.” This will be George “Rentboy” Rekers’s legacy, his lexi-colonic gift to the English language. Help spread the meme.

 

Back to you, TOS: First, talk about this with a doc - get your sack examined and your prostate checked. If there’s nothing medically wrong, rest assured there’s nothing wrong. Some guys have large, loose sacks and sensitive balls, and the slap, slap, slap of intercourse or masturbation can be uncomfortable, and lifting your luggage spares you the slap, slap, slap. Alternately, TOS, let’s not forget that your dick, balls, sack, and taint compose one big erogenous zone. Lifting your luggage may provide you with a little bit of extra ball/sack/taint stimulation, added stimulation that helps put you over the top, and naturally you rely on that zap more at 52 than you did at 32. So instead of viewing your need for a ball lift as a problem that needs solving, why not view ball support as the solution to a problem. Or to put it another way…

 

Whatever lifts your luggage, TOS, whatever lifts your luggage.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

05.06.10

 

I am a 28-year-old, post-op transsexual woman. I met a great 31-year-old guy. We have been dating for a year, and he recently told me that he didn’t think he was sure he was in love with me. He said that he didn’t know if he could give me any sort of commitment, that he is afraid of what his peers would think if they knew my medical past. I can’t say that I’m sure I’m in love with him either, but I do know that we thoroughly enjoy each other’s company and miss each other immensely when we are not together. However, he asked to take a step back and reevaluate the relationship.

 

I transitioned in my late teenage years. I blend in very well, and few people know that I am trans. I am like any other woman in that I want a husband and children, and he says he wants a wife and kids. I asked him a few days ago if he could give me an answer as to whether I should move on or if he wanted me to wait. He couldn’t give me an answer. I have my own life. I am a full-time student training to become a nurse. I made time for him because he became important to me, but am I beating a dead horse here?

 

Transitions And Crossroads

 

You enjoy spending time together, you miss each other when you’re apart, you want similar things (commitment, kids) - that sure sounds like love to me. And if it’s not quite love, TAC, it’s close enough to round up to love.

 

A (longish) aside: The way many people in long-term relationships talk about their relationships - the way I sometimes talk about mine - can do a real disservice to the single and/or dating. The further the early stages of an LTR recede into the past, the likelier the coupled are to blithely toss off bullshit like “Oh, I knew the minute I met him/her that he/she was the one. I was sure.” In reality, of course, we didn’t know, we weren’t sure, we had doubts, insecurities, issues, etc.

 

Truth is, no one in a successful LTR knew for sure that it was true and lasting love until it lasted. And after the passage of time proves that we bet on the right person, we stuff those early doubts, insecurities, and issues down the ol’ memory hole and start telling people how “sure” we were right from the start. (For the record: There are lots of smug married people out there yammering on about how “sure” they were right from the start who have divorce proceedings in their futures.)

 

Anyway: There are too many smugly coupled-up people out there paying our partners - and ourselves - the false compliment of a backdated certainty. And that would be fine if single people within earshot weren’t forced to listen to our smug bullshit, some of whom go home thinking, “Well, this person I’m seeing - this person I enjoy spending time with, this person I miss terribly when we’re apart - she must not be ‘the one’ because… I’m not sure.”

 

Back to you, TAC: I’m glad you have a life and goals, TAC, because that will make it easier to do what you must. Go and tell this guy that there are no sure things, but that you’re as confident as a person can be that you two are a match. (But he’s not your only potential match - just as no one is really “sure,” no one is “the one,” only one of many potential possible ones.) Then tell him you’re not going to wait forever while he “reevaluates” and stresses out about things that neither of you can control. And finish by telling him to give you a call when he’s ready to make at least a mini-commitment: going steady, on a track toward engagement and ultimately marriage and (adopted) children.

 

Then - and this is the most important part - go back to living your life, TAC, go back to school and career goals. Move on without waiting for him to tell you to move on. Don’t call him, don’t e-mail him, don’t text him. Don’t pass up other dating opportunities in the hopes that he’ll get his shit together. If you’re still single if and when he calls, great. See him again. If not, well, it’s his loss.

 

I’m a twentysomething freelancer, and I have a barter relationship with a facility that lets me work there for free. I’ve become friends with the guys who run the facility. Recently, one of my girlfriend’s best friends had sex with one of these guys a few times. I recently found out that one time, postcoitus, he secretly filmed my girlfriend’s friend naked using his iPhone. He’s shown the video to a few mutual friends but didn’t tell me or show me.

 

I think this is some super-vile shit, and I’m horrified that someone I considered a friend would be such an asshole. I’d like to tell him how I feel about this, but at the same time, I can’t afford for my relationship with him to sour. I’ve heard that he deleted the video, so maybe what my girlfriend’s friend doesn’t know can’t hurt her. One potentially pertinent piece of information is that my girlfriend’s first sex partner secretly filmed her and showed it to everyone in her high school, and it scarred her. I think she would be SUPER upset to find out about what this guy did to her friend. I want to do the right thing here, but it’s not obvious what that is. Help!

 

Video Is Defining Ethical Obligations

 

What your friend did to your girlfriend’s friend is vile, VIDEO, potentially illegal, and - most importantly - not a very nice way to treat someone who was kind enough to fuck his brains out.

 

You do have to do something, VIDEO, but your options aren’t limited to either beating him nearly to death with a baseball bat or beating him all the way to death with a baseball bat. It’s possible to confront someone in a friendly-ish way, employing a tone that at once communicates your affections for him even as you chide him for doing something that undermined those affections.

 

“Dude, I heard about that little video,” you say to him, perhaps over a drink. “And I was glad to hear you deleted it - you did delete it, right? - because that’s a shitty thing to do and you’re not a shitty guy. It’s also an illegal thing to do, and people have gotten busted for doing that kind of shit. Be careful, man, you could really fuck up your life.”

 

If you can tamp down your righteous fury long enough to put it to him that way, VIDEO, and you will have reinforced what should be communitywide/specieswide social norms - no dirty pictures or videos without the consent of all involved - without nuking your professional relationship with the guy. Good luck.

 

My roommate and I were wondering why the “tech savvy” youth who work on your podcast are “at risk.” He says your podcast is a community-service program for at-risk kids; I say that they’re at risk working for a sex columnist. Which is it? We would call, but we live in Canada.

 

Canadian Fans

 

There are no phones in Canada?

 

One or two TSARY are on work-release programs or doing community service, CF, but it’s the 90 minutes they spend with me every week that represents their primary risk. It’s not that I would put the moves on any of them - I’m a stickler about personal hygiene - it’s just that they come in for rather more advice, most of it unsolicited, than the average Savage Lovecast listener.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

 

04.29.10

 

I read the letter from the woman who had cheated on her ex and now wants to patch it up. I have a similar situation, except it was my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me. We’d been living together for a few years - we were engaged - and then she suddenly moved out “temporarily” to “work out some issues,” then dumped me several weeks later for trumped-up reasons.

 

So I went into her e-mail to find out WTF had happened and learned about the paramour, when she actually started fucking him, and so on. Even though she was a lying, cheating whore in any objective sense, I do feel bad about violating her privacy. Well, she was furious and basically hates my guts now, more than a year later. I reached out once around six months ago via e-mail, but got shot down. I just want to forgive and be forgiven.

 

Can’t Think Of Anything Clever

 

You are a huge pussy, CTOAC - excuse me, sorry. Pussies are powerful; they can take pummeling and spit out a brand-new human being. What you are, CTOAC, is weak, vulnerable, easily manipulated, and far too sensitive for your own good.

 

What you are is a ball sack.

 

Stop asking for your ex-girlfriend’s absolution, sacky, stop begging for her forgiveness. So long as you’re crawling to her, begging for forgiveness, she can go on pretending that she was the injured party in your relationship. Forgive you? There’s no reason for her to do that - there’s no upside for her. So long as you’re standing there wringing your hands and acting like a cringing, wounded pussy - excuse me: a dangling, freshly slapped ball sack - she wins. Move the fuck on already, sacky.

 

I’m a married woman in my 40s who has lately admitted that I hate being penetrated by a dick. I love sucking a dick and love having a dildo in me. I also love having sex with a man - as long as he is not penetrating me with his own personal cock. So my question is, are there other women out there who enjoy sex with men but don’t want a dick inside them?

 

No Cocks

 

Wouldn’t the more pertinent question be, “Are there men out there who enjoy sex with women but don’t want their dicks inside them? And is my HUSBAND one of them?” Whether there are women out there who share your fondness for men but aversion to cock is only relevant if you’re looking to form a support group. And if anyone needs a shoulder to cry on, NC, it’s your husband, not you.

 

I was seeing a girl every other week for about four months. We only used condoms for birth control, but we always used them and we were careful. Two months after I ended it, she told me that three weeks previous she found out that she was pregnant and a few days later miscarried. Obviously, I was surprised and also concerned for her. We talked about it a few times over the phone, even though I’m seeing somebody else now.

 

Emotionally, she has not been dealing with the situation very well. She says that she cries whenever she sees babies. I’ve been making an effort to be supportive, but she thinks that I could be doing more. She also told me after we stopped seeing each other that she is in love with me. Which brings us to the issue: She’s been getting therapy since the miscarriage. She thinks I should help pay for her therapy; I’m reluctant, but I want to do what’s right. On the one hand, I did get her pregnant, and the pregnancy/miscarriage was the catalyst for her seeking therapy. On the other hand, it was a casual relationship and she has other personal issues. Obviously, if she were pregnant now, I would pay or at least help pay for an abortion. But she’s not pregnant. She’s unhappy, and I’m not sure what the scope of my responsibility is for that.

 

What Do I Do?

 

P.S. I’ve been reading your column for years, and I think it has had a profoundly positive impact on my life: Thank you.

 

It saddens me when someone with such colossally defective bullshit detectors signs off with “I’ve been reading you for years.” Perhaps you have, WDID, but to seemingly little effect.

 

Forgive me for being blunt: How do you know she got pregnant and had a miscarriage? Because she - a girl who says she’s in love with you - told you so. Did it not occur to you that she might have made this all up in an effort - successful thus far - to retain your attention if not your affections? Don’t pay for her therapy, don’t spend all day on the phone with her, and don’t believe everything you’re told.

 

In fairness: There’s a small chance she isn’t lying, WDID; according to Planned Parenthood, if you were using condoms carefully and correctly, there’s a 2 percent chance your ex got pregnant. Even so, your emotional obligations to her ended when the relationship did, and your financial obligations ended with the miscarriage.

 

I’m a straight girl who started dating this straight guy six months ago. Three months in, he told me he is a crossdresser. I’m a fairly open-minded person, and I was curious what it would be like to have sex with him dressed. It brought our sex life to a new level that is very pleasing to both of us. The problem is that I find myself very sexually attracted to him dressed. I’m not as attracted to him when he isn’t dressed, and the sex isn’t as exciting for me. He said he’s happy to dress for sex, and although I like that, now I’m afraid of getting into a routine where we will only enjoy sex in that way and down the road I may grow tired of the dressed sex and crave a regular guy. I think we both lower our inhibitions when we have sex while he’s dressed. I guess I don’t understand why.

 

Confused And Curious

 

When he’s dressed, he’s giving himself permission to live out his fantasies (with an assist from you); when you see him dressed, your inhibitions lift because, hey, there’s no way you can freak out or outfreak the boyfriend. Routines can be deadly, of course, but I wouldn’t worry about being stuck in a rut. You’ve only been doing this for a few months, and his crossdressing is still a shiny new toy. And you can’t simultaneously worry that you’ll come to only enjoy sex while he’s dressed up and that you’ll grow bored with sex while he’s dressed up. If you continue to enjoy dressed-up sex, you won’t get bored; if you get bored, then you can go back to non-dressed-up sex.

 

So I have to know, Dan: What is your opinion on vajazzling?

 

Vajazzle Azzle Gadazzle

 

Asking for my opinion on vajazzling, VAG, is like asking a vegan for her opinion on the wallpaper in a steak house. I’m simply too revolted by what’s on the menu to take much notice of the decor.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

 

04.2210

 

I’m a 27-year-old gay man. I had a really great first couple of dates with a guy, so for the third date I invited him to stay over. I cooked a nice dinner, we watched a movie, and we had a lovely time in bed together. In the morning, we had another romp. At one point, he was rimming me, and unexpectedly, unintentionally, I farted in his mouth a little. His reaction was along the lines of “EW! EWWWW! EW!” Mine was along the lines of trying to apologize through uncontrollable laughter. I said, “C’mere” and pulled him in to kiss me, and we finished with what I thought was minimal awkwardness.

 

Later in the day, to be cute, and even perhaps start a long-term shared joke, I sent an e-card that read, “I’m sorry for farting in your mouth.” I then left town for the weekend, and when I got back I tried to get in touch with him. He sent the following text message: “i’m not sure about this. yr a sweet guy but i’m dating some other people… i just can’t have farts in my mouth. i think i would have handled it a bit more respectfully.”

 

Is a sense of humor about the inevitable off-color moments too much to expect? I mean, this was one strike you’re out, not even a chance to talk it over. He dumped me over TEXT, for fuck’s sake! Good riddance, I suppose. But did I really handle this wrong?

 

Flatulent Anilingus Result: Termination

 

You handled this beautifully, FART - that’s why you got dumped via text message.

 

They don’t cover this in sex ed, I realize, but the average idiot knows there’s just one thing a person wants from someone who’s just “unexpectedly” farted in his mouth, even just a little, and it’s not an e-card. It’s a lengthy, abject, mortified, immediate, and heartfelt apology. And after a rimmee farts - a blessedly rare occurrence - it’s the rimmer’s response that sets the tone for what comes next. Your guest was horrified and disgusted. When you saw his reaction, FART, you needed to take your emotional cues from him, make your apologies and reassure him that it wasn’t intentional, and express genuine remorse.

 

Instead, you laughed in his face, pulled him in for a kiss, and sent him a flip e-card. Basically, you did everything you could to give this guy the impression that you’re either an inconsiderate asshole incapable of reading another person’s emotional cues, FART, or that you may actually be into farts - or worse - and that you intentionally farted in his mouth. I would’ve dumped you, too.

 

Yes, a sense of humor about those off-color moments is not too much to expect. But no relationship progresses to the laughing-off-the-fart-in-your-mouth stage, FART, until after - long after - you’ve demonstrated to the person you’re dating that you’re a fundamentally decent, considerate person, worthy of their time and affections.

 

Every so often, I have to fight the urge to contact an ex-boyfriend from college. It didn’t end well (I cheated). It’s been over a decade (more like 15 years) since we last spoke. I’m happily married, have two children, and live in a completely different part of the country now. Yet, I feel sad that we don’t still know each other. The reasons for the indiscretion are complicated and include, among other things, stupidity and youth. (Also the fact that the indiscretion involved a different ex-boyfriend who begged and pleaded for one final hurrah - and then I told the then-current [now-ex] boyfriend that it was forced, which it wasn’t, which the then-current [now-ex] boyfriend rightly didn’t believe.)

 

I know my reasons are selfish: I want to explain myself, I want to move on, I want to be forgiven. But if he wanted to be in contact with me, he would be. And yet, like a crazed idiot, I still hold out hope that someday he’ll contact me or that we’ll bump into each other. Should I contact him?

 

Can’t Let Go

 

You should suck it up, CLG.

 

It’s killing you that someone out there might hate your guts (with cause), might think you’re scum (because you behaved like scum), and, we can safely presume at this stage, is content to have you out of his life (otherwise he would’ve looked you up on Facebook by now). This bothers you because you’re not scum, of course; no person is defined by the two worst mistakes she ever made. (I’m referring to (1) cheating and (2) making a false accusation of rape. What would’ve happened if your then-current [now-ex] boyfriend had gone to the police? Or taken the law into his own hands? Thank God your then-current [now-ex] boyfriend didn’t believe you.)

 

I don’t think you should contact him, CLG, not until you’re a little more interested in what you could give him (a long-overdue apology) and a little less interested in what he could give you (absolution).

 

My wife and I divorced three years ago. Six months ago, I began seeing a good friend of my daughter’s. I knew this was dangerous territory, but I really liked this girl. A month ago, we decided to take our relationship public. My daughter reacted poorly. She did not demand that we break up, but she did let me know that our relationship made her uncomfortable. And she was rightfully upset about some personal information my girlfriend had told me about her.

 

During the past four weeks, my daughter has gradually edged my girlfriend, formerly a close friend of hers, out of her personal life. She has also begun to spend less time with me. She tells me she does not want me to have to choose between her and my girlfriend; although, if she stops spending time with me, that’s exactly what she’s doing. I know she’s upset. But I’m a grown man, and I just want to be happy. And in spite of the age difference, my girlfriend makes me very happy.

 

What can I do to make my daughter more comfortable with my new relationship?

 

Father Doesn’t Always Know Best

 

P.S. The information my girlfriend shared about my daughter was the name of a young man she was seeing and that my daughter had recently purchased an expensive dress. My girlfriend hardly told me that my daughter was doing something truly dangerous or wrong.

 

It’s nice to know that your girlfriend manages to make you happy “in spite of the age difference.” Too many late-middle-aged men succumb to despair in the arms of their much-younger girlfriends. Anyway…

 

What can you do to make your daughter comfortable with you fucking her friend while her friend blabs to you? Nothing. Your daughter may eventually become comfortable with your relationship, FDAKB, but there’s nothing you can do to artificially force up her comfort level. And while emotional blackmail - “My girlfriend makes me happy, but I will sacrifice my happiness for you, darling, if that’s what you want…” - may result in your daughter spending more time with you and your girlfriend now, her resentment at being blackmailed will do irreparable damage to your relationship with her over the long run.

 

So just shut the fuck up, Dad, stop whining, and continue to enjoy the girlfriend in spite of the age difference. Then go apologize to your daughter for (1) keeping the relationship from her for so long (your daughter may be losing sleep over things she told her friend before she found out you were fucking) and (2) the invasion of her privacy that already took place. Then give your daughter the space she needs and the privacy she has a right to.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

   

04.15.10

 

I am a mostly straight, 22-year-old woman. I am a pretty GGG kind of gal. I am generally not put off easily, even if I am told things that don’t quite do it for me.

 

So I just started seeing this guy. I haven’t known him for long - no serious sexual activity other than mild foreplay. The other night, a few drinks in, we ventured into talking about sex and porn. When I asked what type of porn he watches, he said that he likes videos of “dirty whores, rape scenarios, and gang bangs.” Now mind you, I like being treated like a dirty whore. And I love porn. But for some reason, this put me off. I ended up heading home early, and I am apprehensive about seeing him again.

 

Was my reaction legit? I’ve indulged other partners in bondage, BDSM, power games, and so on (which I am very much into). So why am I judging this nice, good-looking guy as a creep?

 

Turned Off And Displeased

 

First, TOAD, I want to praise you for trusting your gut and getting out of there. Everyone should follow your example: When someone is making you uncomfortable, folks, emulate TOAD - make your excuses and bolt. On to your question…

 

You’ve liked being treated like a dirty whore and you’ve done BDSM with other guys, so why are you judging this particular guy?

 

Someone who’s turned on by extreme power games - hardcore BDSM, degradation, verbal abuse, role-play scenarios, sexist stereotypes - has to demonstrate that he (or she) is not just extremely trustworthy, TOAD, but extremely sensible. And when this guy shared his interest in some pretty extreme kinks so early in the relationship (“haven’t known him for too long”), your gut rightly told you that this “nice, good-looking guy” wasn’t someone with whom you would feel safe.

 

Because when he told you about his extreme kinks, TOAD, you simply didn’t know him well enough to say to yourself, “Hey, that’s some hardcore shit there - but he’s proved himself to be a good person and I would feel safe doing this stuff with him.” And not only didn’t you know him well enough to come to that conclusion, he should’ve known that you didn’t know him well enough to come to that conclusion.

 

By sharing his kinks too soon, TOAD, this seemingly nice guy demonstrated poor judgment and worse impulse control. And rock-solid judgment and gold-plated impulse control are the first and second things we should look for in someone whose sexual interests are way the fuck out there.

 

I don’t think he should’ve lied, TOAD, but he should have had the common sense to kick the conversation down the road or downplay without misrepresenting, i.e., instead of saying, “I’m into dirty whores, rape scenarios, and gang bangs,” he could have said, “I’m into experienced business women, some intense role-play scenarios, and I’m intrigued by group sex scenes with significant gender imbalances.” Then, after you got to know each other a bit better, and after he had proved himself to be a decent, trustworthy guy with rock-solid judgment and gold-plated impulse control, he could’ve opened up a bit more and given you a clearer picture of his kinks, and perhaps done so without creeping you out.

 

I’m not saying that he’s a creep or an abuser or a wannabe rapist - or that he’s not all of those things. Maybe he’s just young and inexperienced and hasn’t learned how to talk about his creepy kinks without creeping people out, TOAD, or maybe the booze caused him to blurt out something he usually rolls out with more finesse. It’s up to you whether you give him a second chance - but make the next date a dry one, and if he creeps you out, trust that gut of yours, make your excuses, and bolt.

 

I’m in my 30s, married, and bisexual. I have a problem with my wife. She does not accept my bisexuality as “real.” While it is true that I lean toward women, I definitely find some men attractive, and I had some forms of sex with several men before I got together with my wife. However, since I never took it in the ass, she believes that I’m not really bisexual. Furthermore, she gets embarrassed when we are with our gay friends and tales of my man-on-man experiences come up. She wants me not to talk about it at all. I’m not hitting on anyone, or contemplating cheating on her with a man, or anything, just talking about the past - or agreeing with her when she says Clive Owen is totally hot.

 

Am I wrong to think that she is being kind of an asshole by not accepting my sexuality? Or am I just being selfish in not soothing her faithfulness fears?

 

Likes Men But Loves Wife

 

Hm… your wife refuses to believe that you’re bisexual because you never got around to taking it in the ass. There’s a simple way to solve that problem, LMBLW: Take it in the ass a couple dozen times and present your wife with a lovely boxed set of commemorative DVDs.

 

That would mean cheating on her, though, something you’re not interested in doing and something she fears. I suppose you could point out that women with straight husbands aren’t exactly guaranteed an adultery-free ride. Sandra Bullock, Jenny Sanford, and Elin Nordegren all married 100 percent heterosexual men - at least so far as we know at press time - and despite their husbands’ failure to take it in the ass (no man’s perfect), all three women wound up on the cover of In Touch, Us, and People.

 

But, while I think your wife is being a bit of an asshole (and a lot in denial) by not accepting your bisexuality, LMBLW, regaling your gay pals with tales of your man-on-man experiences could annoy a spouse who was comfortable with your sexuality.

 

As a “not-stereotypical-looking” lesbian who tends to be attracted to other “not-stereotypical-looking” lesbians, I wish EVERY “single and looking” lesbian wore something that said so - like the lesbian reader last week who was thinking about going out in a “Single. Lesbian. Interested?” T-shirt. When I do go out to the one lesbian bar in my city, people look at me with that “What are you doing in OUR bar?” stare.

 

Show Me Your Status

 

There are nearly twice as many gay-identified men out there as there are lesbian-identified women. This fact alone is all the proof we need that homosexuality isn’t a choice. Considering what shits straight men can be - judging from my mail - surely more women would choose homosexuality if they could.

 

Anyway, it seems to me that what single lesbians need - in addition to dyke bars, internet personal ads, women’s softball leagues, and cat-food aisles in grocery stores (man, those lesbian/cat jokes never get tired!) - is a secret sign. I’m thinking something subtle, SMYS, not because I’m pro-closet, but because I’m pro-tasteful. Message T-shirts? Never tasteful. And “Nobody Knows My Girlfriend Is a Lesbian” T-shirts are very 1995 (and highly unlikely to get a single girl a date).

 

Instead, maybe all lesbians everywhere should start wearing a button. No words, just a solid color, something small and tasteful that could be pinned to the strap of a purse (popular with “not-stereotypical-looking” lesbians), the lapel of a jacket, or the belt loop on a pair of jeans. Thinking outside the lavender/pink/purple box, I think the button should be green - green for “go,” green as in “Go ahead and hit on me, ladies. I’m a lesbian.”

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

 

04.08.2010

 

I’m a young, straight feminist male, and I’ve been dating my feminist girlfriend monogamously for almost two years. Recently, I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that I am turned on by rape fantasies. Of course, I find the idea of actual rape repugnant, and this is probably, of course, an important reason why fantasizing about it turns me on. I sent out some feelers with my girlfriend by initiating a conversation about kinks and asking about what types of kinks she would hypothetically be comfortable accommodating. I asked her to imagine that I fantasized about feeling up women on the subway and wanted her to simulate and help realize that fantasy scenario with me. Her response was that I needed to be “cured” of my desires, and that she would help me figure out and work through the psychological gender-power issues behind it, and to that end she would try to show me how enjoyable consensual sex could be. My first thought was, “Well that’s not GGG…” but then I reconsidered: Would indulging that fantasy only reinforce patriarchal patterns of thought that I’ve worked to expunge from my brain? How much of a point does she have?

 

Feminist Rape Fantasist

 

DTMFA.

 

I’m not telling you to dump your girlfriend because she won’t let you feel her up on the subway, FRF. She isn’t obligated to help you realize your consensual-rape-lite fantasies. If that shit squicks her out, that shit squicks her out. But you can’t have a mutually fulfilling sexual or romantic relationship with a woman - feminist or not, squicked out by simulated nonconsensuality or not - whose first impulse when presented with a run-of-the-mill, completely consensual role-play scenario is to pathologize her partner, declare him sick, and accuse him of not being aroused by consensual sex when consensual sex was precisely what he proposed.

 

There’s nothing wrong with you, FRF, nothing that needs curing. The only thing you need to expunge is a girlfriend who regards you as a sicko and a rapist. DTMFA.

 

This is going to sound incredibly naive, but here we go: How does one get better at sex? I’m a 24-year-old female, I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years, and the sex is just… meh. He had a couple sex partners before me, but he is my first and only. We’ve been sexual for almost all of our years together, so it’s not like we’re wanting for practice.

 

We often ask each other, “What else can I do for you?” I’ve shared a couple ideas, which we’ve explored to my minimal comfort, but he always says “Nothing” when asked if there’s anything he wants to do or try. We have discovered that neither of us particularly cares if we, ourselves, reach orgasm, but we both care very deeply that the other is satisfied. In this light: While I don’t care much if the sex is mediocre for me, I do want it to be better for him. Do you have any suggestions? Are we doomed?

 

Still A Noob Apparently

 

This is going to sound incredibly unhelpful, SANA, but I don’t have any suggestions. There are just too many potential unknown unknowns here for me to offer any concrete advice. It’s possible that your boyfriend isn’t attracted to you (or that you’re not attracted to him), it’s possible that your boyfriend isn’t attracted to anyone (or that you’re not attracted to anyone), it’s possible that he has dark and terrible sexual desires that he’s too terrified to share with you (or that you have dark and terrible etc. that you may not even be aware of).

 

The only thing I know for sure, SANA, is this: One of you is going to have to nut/ovum up and get selfish. You’re both so giving, so unconcerned with your own pleasure, so invested in pleasing your partner. And all of that sounds so wonderful in theory - who doesn’t want a completely selfless sex partner? - but in practice, selfless sex partners make lousy lays. Giving is great, but in every truly great sexual encounter, someone is taking: taking charge, taking over, taking control, giving pleasure to their partner by taking pleasure from their partner.

 

And if it’s not going to be him, SANA, it’ll have to be you. So what do you want? Besides seeing him “satisfied.” Take a look at where your concern for his satisfaction has gotten you, SANA, and repeat after me: “Fuck him and fuck his satisfaction.” Then ask yourself these questions: What do I want? What turns me on? What do I want to experience and explore? You’re not doomed if you can come up with the answers to those questions, SANA, but if you can’t, well, then I’m afraid you are doomed. Doomed to lousy sex in this relationship, for as long as it lasts, and doomed to lousy sex in your next relationship if you wind up with another guy who’s as “giving” as you are.

 

I’m a single, 22-year-old, adorable lesbian living in Chicago. I use a dating website, but I’d like to increase my chances of meeting someone at the concerts and improv shows I enjoy. These events aren’t gay-specific, and I don’t look stereotypically queer, so this scenario seems unlikely. I want to get a fitted, understated (light text, no rainbows) T-shirt that says something like “Single. Lesbian. Interested?” and wear it out. Will this increase the chances that the girl of my dreams will tap me on the shoulder? Will it make me an easier target for hateful assholes? Both? Neither?

 

Looking For Lesbifriends

 

Both, of course, and you may not like the kind of lesbians that a come-and-lick-me T-shirt attracts. But when you’re single and feeling frustrated, and your pool of potential partners is drawn from roughly 2.5 percent of the population, it helps to move on all fronts, e.g., websites, bars, T-shirts. Your T-shirt might attract the attention of some jerks, lesbian or otherwise, but that’s why God gave us Mace.

 

Regarding last week’s reply to NORTH: Sure, it’s fucked-up that this woman is doing escort work without telling her boyfriend. But you let him off the hook entirely, even though he snooped through her e-mail! What you have here are two people who are both untrustworthy - they sound like a good fit to me! Because if snooping is okay, who knows what else he’s doing behind her back?

 

JB

 

I knew that not including a little standard-issue snooping-is-always-wrong boilerplate in my response to NORTH - a woman who neglected to inform her boyfriend that she was sitting on other men’s cocks for money - would get me in trouble with some readers. But I didn’t include it because I don’t believe it.

 

A confession: I’ve looked through my boyfriend’s e-mail; I assume he’s looked through mine. I’ve scrolled through his text messages; I assume he’s scrolled through mine. Expecting your partner not to snoop is like expecting your partner not to fart or fantasize about other people. It’s a nice thought, JB, but knowing what we know about human nature - and knowing that we ourselves snoop, fart, and fantasize about other people - it’s a little unrealistic.

 

And I’m sorry, but when someone goes snooping and discovers that their partner is doing sex work - or is secretly gay or is sleeping with or visiting lesbian-bondage-themed nightclubs with Michael Steele - then the snooping is retroactively justified.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

 

03.25.10

 

I’m a 23-year-old bi dude seeing a guy who is intelligent, sweet, attractive - the works. We’ve been together for six weeks. The problem is, after our first night together, I lost sexual interest in him. When I do get horny - which is rare at the moment due to work pressures - I prefer to beat off alone, because I can fantasize about some sort of transgression or other when I do it, e.g., having sex where I’m at risk of being discovered, rape fantasies, incest scenarios. Obviously, at some point I began associating “sexy” with “dangerous” and maybe “wrong.”

 

I want a serious relationship, but I’m tired of pretending and failing in bed because I’m just not into the sex. And, damnit, he’s cute and I should be able to get it up! What do I need to do?

 

Two Guys, One Erection

 

Here’s an idea, TGOE: risk having the sex that turns you on - sexy, dangerous, and wrong - with this guy who turns you on. Fuck him in public, fuck him where you might be discovered, fuck him by simulated force. And whether you’re fucking at home or in public, TGOE, you’re free to fantasize that your no-relation boyfriend is your brother/nephew/uncle - or sister/niece/aunt - if that’s what it takes to get you off. (Whether it would be wise to tell him that you’re entertaining incest fantasies while you’re fucking him is another matter.)

 

And when you’re not having dangerous and/or wrong sex, TGOE, you can talk - talk dirty - about all the dangerous and/or wrong sex you’ve had with him already and plan to have with him in the future. Even if you’re fucking around under the covers at home with the door shut and the lights off, TGOE, you can tell him about how next time you’re going to fuck him so hard in a public place that the police are going to come running when they hear him scream because you’re both so dangerous and wrong and blah blah dirty talk blah.

 

But you’ll never get to a “two guys, two erections” place, TGOE, if you don’t risk sharing your real sexual fantasies and interests with this guy. Given a choice between hot sex with his boyfriend - which requires incorporating the boyfriend’s kinks - or boring sex that leaves you feeling unsatisfied and him feeling rejected, and eventually leads to the demise of this relationship, your boyfriend is likelier to choose hot sex.

 

The basics of my life: I’m male, straight, in my mid-20s; I have a twin sister and have been with my girlfriend for three years. I want to break up with my girlfriend for a variety of reasons. I have begun the “it’s not working for me anymore” conversation four times. But each time I do, she brings up different sexual fantasies I have confided in her during our relationship. I believe the implication is that if I break up with her, she’ll tell people about my fantasies - one in particular.

 

AND THAT CANNOT HAPPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!

 

The fantasy I am most worried about her revealing is incestuous in nature. When I was about 15, I - on occasion - used mental images of my sister to get off. I never had any romantic or sexual feelings toward her in real life - I was never attracted to her when she was physically present - and once I started sleeping with real girls, my fantasies about my sister ceased. One time, my girlfriend and I got stoned and discussed our most outrageous sexual fantasies; our relationship was different then, more trusting, and I told her about this stuff. I want out of the relationship, but I am terrified of what would happen if she told people, especially my sister. How can I exit this relationship, and how can I contain the damage if she decides to tell people my secret? And is it fucked up that I used to masturbate to thoughts about my twin?

 

Freaking Fucked Or Fucking Freak?

 

I wish my boyfriend were as easy to manipulate as you seem to be - Jesus, the shit I could get away with.

 

Anyway, dumbfuck, unless you put your most outrageous sexual fantasies in writing - and hopefully you didn’t - you’re not the one in real danger here. Your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is. Here’s what you do: Spend a week in front of a mirror perfecting a look of stunned incredulity, and then go break things off with your girlfriend. Make sure the actual split is big and messy and public. If she attempts to retaliate by telling people about your no-longer-operative sexual fantasies, FFOFF, you slap that looked of stunned incredulity on your face and say, “I knew we had a bad breakup, but, my God, what kind of sick piece of shit makes up something like that?”

 

Then just for the hell of it, FFOFF, confide in one or two friends that you’re not surprised your ex went there - that she tried to drag your sister into this - because she was always pressuring you about having a three-way with your sister, and that was one of the reasons you dumped her.

 

And yeah, FFOFF, masturbating to thoughts of a sibling is a little fucked-up. But it’s not uncommon for teenagers to fantasize - and, in some disturbing instances, to actualize - about their siblings. Sex can seem scary and new, while our siblings seem safe and familiar. For most people, those early and inappropriate fantasies quickly subside, as they did for you, and most people have the good sense to stuff ’em down the memory hole.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. He’s 23 and I’m 22. He’s a virgin and I’m not. I’ve been very slow and patient about sex, and he’s responded really well. I’m GGG, and he’s gotten really good about taking initiative and suggesting things. We’ve done all the basic sex-without-actual-intercourse things - outercourse, fingering, oral - and we’re both very satisfied with our “not sex” life. Lately, the subject of anal intercourse has come up. I’ve never done it, but I am turned on by the idea, and he’s definitely up for it. What’s the problem then? The idea of our first real sex being anal bothers me. He pleases me, and his reasons for not having vaginal sex when we do so much else are at least somewhat logical (we’re both paranoid about pregnancy, even though I’m on birth control and we’d use condoms). But I worry that by having anal sex, I’ll delay the sex that I really want! Plus, I worry that by having exclusively anal sex now, he won’t be as turned on by the regular kind later.

 

Stick It In Me Already

 

If he’s not up for vaginal intercourse for religious and/or ridiculous reasons, SIIMA, that’s his call. If you’re not up for anal sex for whatever reason, that’s your call. He should support your decision, SIIMA, just as you’ve supported his.

 

And for the record: Neither of you are virgins. You have a little virgin territory left to explore - your vagina, your butt, his butt - but you’re both sexually active nonvirgins, and have been for months.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.

 

 

03.18.10

 

My husband and I have been married for one year, but we had been dating for 10 years prior to that. I thought we had a very understanding relationship. In the last couple of days, I have found out that he has a serious obsession with females wearing running shoes. He had in the past hinted at the fact that it turns him on, but I had no idea the scope of this obsession. I’ve discovered that he spends a large number of hours a week devoted to this fetish. He was sloppy in covering his tracks one day, and I found evidence on his computer.

 

I should also mention that when he told me he thought running shoes are hot, I thought he meant on me, not on all living and breathing females.

 

I believed that he could trust me enough to be open with me, but he has been hiding this from me for 11 years! I am still in shock and not quite sure how to deal with it. He obviously feels ashamed, otherwise he would have told me years ago. Why did he not bring this up before we got married? I had a right to know what I was getting into. I don’t know if I can live with knowing that he gets a hard-on for every running-shoe-wearing woman who goes by. I feel betrayed and creeped out. He says that he didn’t want to hurt me, but he has done just that. I feel physically sick to my stomach knowing that I didn’t really know who he was all this time. We still have to work it out and really talk about our new situation. But I am beginning to think our marriage isn’t going to survive this. Am I being too sensitive? How can I fix my marriage?

 

Dumbfounded In Brooklyn

 

Does your husband like your tits only, DIB, or can he get a hard-on for every tits-wearing woman who goes by? Does he like your pussy only, DIB, or can he get a hard-on for every pussy-having woman who goes by?

 

If your marriage can survive the husband being attracted to tits and pussy generally, DIB, but attracted to your tits and pussy particularly, your marriage should be able to survive the awareness that your husband is into women in running shoes generally but into you in running shoes particularly.

 

Why did he keep it from you? Because he was ashamed, DIB, because guys with fetishes are told - hey there, Prudie - that they’re disturbed and unlovable, and because no one bothers to inform straight women that fetishes are to male sexuality what lies are to a Fox News broadcast: likelier to be present than not. So he dropped hints but didn’t tell you during year one - or year two or three, year four, etc. - because he was afraid you would have the reaction you’re having at year eleven.

 

So what do you do now? You forgive him, if you give a shit about your marriage, if you actually ever loved him, and you do a little reading about male sexuality. Daniel Bergner’s The Other Side of Desire is a good place to start.

 

And ladies? If your boyfriend or husband has “hinted at the fact that [something or other] turns him on,” you can safely assume that [something or other] really turns him on.

 

A good friend of mine is engaged to a woman with an extremely low sex drive. He’d like to have sex every day; she barely responds to his touch. I advised him to work up the nerve to suggest an “understanding” or to disengage. If he’s this frustrated as a 27-year-old fiancé, how is he going to feel after five years in a monogamous marriage?

Concerned Buddy

 

Either your buddy won’t be married in five years or he won’t be monogamously married. Either way, CB, you spoke up, and that’s all a friend is required to do under the circumstances. Now you have to stand back and let your buddy make the biggest mistake of his life.

 

I assume you’ve heard of Chatroulette by now. I discovered it about four weeks ago, and I am strangely turned on by all the dudes on there jerking off. I have started to show my tits to some of these dudes because it is such a massive turn-on for me (who knew I had this exhibitionist streak in me?). My husband doesn’t know about any of this. However, all sexual arousal is redirected his way in the form of really hot, passionate fucking!

 

I feel bad about not telling my husband. Do you think this is cheating? If you say it is, Dan, I will stop.

 

Clever Acronym

 

I don’t want to call what you’re doing - flashing random Chatroulette pervs - cheating, as cheating is such an ugly word, but odds are good that your husband would call it that.

 

Even so, CA, I’m reluctant to tell you to stop. Spend a few weeks reading my e-mails, and you will come to regard anything - anything at all - that lights a fire under the marital bed as a universal good. So talk to your husband. Tell him that - like everyone else on earth - you “discovered” Chatroulette about four weeks ago. Then tell him you were surprised by (1) just how many dudes are jerking off in front of their computers at any given moment and (2) just how turned on you were by their exhibitionism. Confess that you’ve been a bit obsessed with the site, add that it’s why you’ve been so horny lately, and then invite him to join you for a session. If he seems into the idea, or gets into it once you’re online, sheepishly confess that you’ve been flashing a little skin yourself.

 

Then fuck the husband’s brains out.

 

CONFIDENTIAL TO SAVAGE LOVERS: I need to ask you to do something. Not for me, but for a teenage lesbian who lives in a small town. Constance McMillen is a senior at Itawamba Agricultural High School in Fulton, Mississippi. When she asked the school if she could attend prom with her girlfriend, she was told no. When Constance pressed her case, the Itawamba County School Board canceled prom rather than allow Constance to attend with her girlfriend. The school board had to know what would happen next: The other students at Itawamba Agricultural blamed Constance for getting prom canceled and “ruining senior year.” Constance is now being harassed and bullied.

 

The school board claims it canceled prom to avoid “distractions.” Now it’s up to us - to decent people everywhere - to make sure that bigotry and discrimination are a much bigger distraction for the Itawamba County School District than inclusion and tolerance ever could’ve been.

 

E-mail, call, and fax Itawamba Schools superintendent Teresa McNeece (tmcneece@itawamba.k12.ms.us, phone 662-862-2159 ext. 14, fax 662-862-4713) and Itawamba Agricultural principal Trae Wiygul (twiygul@itawamba.k12.ms.us, 662-862-3104). Then join the Facebook page “Let Constance Take Her Girlfriend to Prom.” And, finally, make donations to the Mississippi Safe Schools Coalition (www.mssafeschools.org), which is organizing an alternate prom that will welcome all students, and make a larger donation to the ACLU LGBT Project (www.tinyurl.com/yl9mvkb), which is defending Constance and other gay teenagers across the country.

 

Call, write, fax, donate. Constance needs to know that there are people all over the world who are on her side. And, more importantly, Itawamba County Schools needs to know that we’re not going to let them get away with this. Be respectful, but be relentless. Let’s show these bigots what a real distraction looks like. Get ’em.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

 

03.11.10

 

I am a girl who sabotaged my relationship. I was angry; I had complaints. But my real issue was a store of repressed childhood trauma, and I was working it out on the closest person to me, my BF. We had something magical, and I destroyed it. I am now willing to give 110 percent to fix it.

 

We no longer have sex. We are hardly on speaking terms. I know now that my relationship skills are stunted - more childhood baggage - but I want to save my relationship. Do you have any tips on initiating sex with someone who I have traumatized or on improving communication with someone who is so resentful? I am willing to give it time and effort, accept my faults, and breathe deeply rather than react in anger when we talk through things.

 

Saboteur Addressing Dysfunctions

 

I’ll get to your problem in a second, SAD. But first, a Savage Love programming note: I don’t usually mention where I’m writing a particular column, because it doesn’t really matter whether my computer is sitting on Ann Landers’s desk or resting on Apolo Ohno’s ass. (I will let you know when I am writing in a bar, though, because alcohol can impair an advice columnist’s judgment, and advice seekers have a right to know when they’re getting substandard counsel.)

 

I’m writing this column on an airplane, and I was totally in the zone when I noticed that the guy sitting next to me on this airplane was reading my laptop screen. So I wrote this: “HEY! YOU! YEAH, YOU! THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME ON DELTA 2360! STOP READING THIS SHIT UNLESS YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD!”

 

Sheesh. Some people.

 

Okay, SAD, on to your problem: Unless your boyfriend is a weight bench or an exercise ball, you weren’t “working it out” on him. You were taking it out on him. Now, maybe you’ve been led to believe - by your counselor, by Oprah, by some other idiot with an advice column - that you can just throw up your hands and say, “Childhood issues! Childhood baggage!” and everything will be magic again. Sorry, SAD, but sometimes the damage is too great. Your boyfriend won’t speak to you? Won’t fuck you?

Game over.

 

Accept that you - not your issues, not your baggage, but you yourself - screwed yourself out of a decent guy. End it officially, get your ass into counseling, and make a good-faith effort to resolve your issues and unpack your bags before you inflict yourself on some other dope. You don’t have to be 100 percent healthy before you date - no one is 100 percent healthy - but you do have to be in relatively good working order, listing toward sanity, before you date again.

 

And what does the guy sitting next to me on this airplane think?

 

“I’ve dated girls like her,” says TGSNTMOTA. “Daddy issues. She should get over her shit before she dates someone else, you know, but she probably won’t. Girls like her never do. But maybe this one will, because you’re pulling her up short. And she should move to an island - Hawaii, the Big Island - because being on an island can really help you work through your shit.”

 

Thanks, TGSNTMOTA!

 

I am a leather Daddy living in a big city. A young man - early 20s, living in a small town - contacted me online and asked to be my boy. I declined, due to distance, but agreed to be his confidant and adviser.

 

The boy has one huge problem: He is in a long-term relationship with a vanilla boyfriend who has no interest in BDSM and vehemently opposes allowing him to explore with others. Presently, the boy goes to dungeon parties and plays with men behind his boyfriend’s back. I feel very strongly that the boy should either come to an understanding with his boyfriend that allows him to explore or, if that isn’t possible, break up with him so they can both find what they need.

 

I wouldn’t ordinarily presume to know what’s best for other people, but this boy is starving sexually, emotionally, and spiritually. But my conscience will not allow me to advise him on navigating the leather scene when I know he’ll use this knowledge to cheat on his boyfriend. I don’t think I can advise him further until he resolves the issue. Do you agree with the advice I’ve given this boy?

 

Wanna Be A Good Influence

 

I agree with the advice you’ve given this boy - get the boyfriend’s okay or get out - but this boy is already navigating the leather scene, WBAGI, and will continue to cheat on his boyfriend with or without your guidance.

 

So continue to serve as this boy’s confidant and adviser, WBAGI, all the while pressing him to do the right thing and leave his boyfriend. And we both know that he needs to leave his boyfriend, WBAGI, not just get the boyfriend’s permission to explore. If this boy’s interest in BDSM is so strong that he’s jumped into the deep end of the pool - i.e., dungeon parties - he’ll never be happy with a vanilla monogamist who grudgingly allows him to play with other guys.

 

And what does the guy sitting next to me on this airplane think?

 

“The guy with the boyfriend should do what the other guy, the leather guy, says,” says TGSNTMOTA. “Because the leather guy has a good head on his shoulders, and the guy with the boyfriend should listen to the leather guy and leave the other guy, the boyfriend guy, and see other guys.”

 

Um… thanks, TGSNTMOTA!

 

I’m an 18-year-old hetero male college student. I’m in a relationship with an awesome girl. I’m dominant; she’s submissive. I like name-calling; she likes being called names. Our libidos match, etc. There’s only one thing I’m into that she isn’t: watersports.

 

The idea of urinating on a girl turns me on. My fetish is by no means unusual, and I’m perfectly comfortable saying, “I’m into piss!” She, however, finds the idea unappealing, to say the least. I know that I’m young and have a long time to act on my fantasies, but this one seems like it will always be difficult. Do you think that, down the road, I will be able to find a girl who is willing to get pissed on?

 

I Want To Pee On Someone

 

Watersports, for the kinkily inclined, is one of those things that can seem almost unspeakably perverse at 18 and not that big a deal at 28. Don’t do it first thing in the morning, and don’t do it after chowing through a plate of asparagus. Do it after you’ve had a few beers and the piss is just so much warm - and sterile - water.

So relax, IWTPOS, because the odds that you’ll be with this girl forever - remember, you’re 18, she’s 18 - are slim, and the odds that you’ll meet a girl at some point who’s either into it or can be talked into it are high.

And what does the guy sitting next to me on this airplane - a very nice-if-nosey thirtysomething dude from Lubbock, Texas - think?

“I have a thing for girls peeing on me,” TGSNTMOTA whispered to me. “Because it’s like a sort of ‘female ejaculation’ thing. I met girls on the Big Island who were into it, clear and nice, and - ”

Okay, TGSNTMOTA, thanks for sharing and - hey - it looks like we’re getting ready to land, so… thanks for playing Savage Love.

 

CONFIDENTIAL TO CANADA: Apparently, a hockey team of yours recently triumphed over some other nation’s hockey team, and one of the stars of your hockey team - the guy who scored Canada’s first goal in the final and all-important match - has the same last name as Vic Toews. So out of respect for Jonathan Toews - and Canadian author Miriam Toews - we will not be redefining “Toews.” Maybe we could redefine “Jason Kenney” instead?

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

 

03.04.10

 

Okay: Female, married 15 years, one young child. No sex with husband over last five years. Have tried therapy, talking, not talking, confrontation - you name it, Dan, I tried it. Lingerie, kink, porn. Seriously, everything. A year and a half ago, I got into a relationship with a married guy, a man who also wasn’t getting any at home. Our agreement is basically this: no strings, no ties that could hurt our families, have as much fun as we can.

 

My husband just got diagnosed with late-stage cancer. He is dying. Six months. Leaving him is not an option. On some level, I feel horribly guilty about still seeing my lover, but it’s the only outlet I’ve got.

 

Am I a complete skank/CPOS?

 

No Good Acronym

 

You were doing what you needed to do to stay sane and stay married before your husband’s diagnosis, NGA, and you should continue to do whatever it takes to stay sane and stay married - for your own sake, for your husband’s sake, for your kid’s sake. If seeing your lover helps, I think you should continue to see your lover.

 

But see him less often, NGA, and redouble your efforts to keep the affair secret.

 

You are less the spouse and lover now, and more the nurse and caretaker. In consideration of the good years you had together and with the knowledge that his undiagnosed illness could have been behind his lack of interest in sex, let go of whatever lingering resentments you have. Do everything you can to make your husband comfortable and make his death “good” - and that includes keeping your affair from him.

 

Realistically and logistically, NGA, I think you won’t be able to see as much of your lover over the next six months as you have over the last 18. And six months isn’t that long to go without. But if you need to see your lover a few times in order to stay sane and stay married and get through this awful time, then you should see your lover - for your own sake, for your husband’s sake, for your kid’s sake.

 

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for a little over a year. Since the get-go, he has refused to give me oral sex because he just plain doesn’t like it, doesn’t like the taste. He says he doesn’t even like looking at my vagina. He does, however, like me to give him oral sex. I’ve tried explaining the importance of oral for me, but he thinks I’m obsessing and says the act just grosses him out. I’m resenting this situation more and more. So much so that now I really don’t feel like giving him oral sex. Any suggestions on how to improve this situation?

 

Needing Oral Tonight

 

Your situation will not improve, NOT, until you find yourself a boyfriend who isn’t a fag.

 

There may be a few straight boys out there who don’t like to eat pussy, sad to say, but a straight boy who doesn’t even like to look at pussy? Unless there’s something very seriously wrong with your pussy’s appearance - a web of scars from a waxing gone horribly, horribly wrong; the Fox News logo tattooed on your pubic mound; the glowering face a parasitic twin where your clit should be - your boyfriend is a fag, NOT. Do to your boyfriend what my one and only girlfriend should’ve done to me: DTMFA.

 

Just wanted to share a funny story with you. It’s also, we think, a great example of being GGG. My ladyfriend generally requires more foreplay than I do, but on rare occasions we focus on me exclusively. Two nights ago, after three years together, we figured we’d give a high-school classic a try: I was going to get a handjob. I must’ve been temporarily transported back to my Little League days, because as she was contentedly pumping away, I asked if she could adjust her grip, saying, “Baby, could you choke up a little bit?”

 

“What,” she said, the sweetest, most GGG look on her face, “you mean, like, cry?”

 

I really think she would’ve done it, too, if I hadn’t laughed so hard I nearly fell off the bed.

 

Choked Up In Toronto

 

Thanks for sharing, CUIT, and now…

 

WHEREAS you’re writing from Canada, and WHEREAS my Canadian readers patiently endure my rants about conservative American politicians (like last week’s rant about New Hampshire state representative Nancy “Wiggle in Excrement” Elliott), and WHEREAS my American readers might assume that Canada - where gay marriage is legal, everyone has health care, the boys are hot, and the girls are hotter - doesn’t have any batshit-conservative politicians of its own, BE IT RESOLVED that I will make an effort to write about Canada’s batshit-conservative politicians every once in a while.

No time like the present: I could write about your batshit-conservative prime minister, Stephen Harper, who’s always proroguing the shit out of your parliament. (I don’t know what proroguing is exactly, but like the shit in French on breakfast-cereal boxes, it sounds pretty fucking filthy.) But a better example of conservative batshittery would be Vic Toews. Canada’s unofficial “Minister of Family Values,” member of parliament Toews - surprise! - doesn’t like the gays because we’re a threat to the family and the institution of marriage. Toews has described gay marriage ceremonies as satanic “Black Masses” and insisted that adding gays and lesbians to existing Canadian civil rights statutes would bring the “jackboot of fascism [down] on the necks of our people.”

 

You know where this is going, right?

 

It turned out that Toews - who once warned that gay marriage could lead to polygamy - was cheating on his wife of 25 years. After getting a much younger woman pregnant, Toews wound up getting divorced. Another marriage destroyed not by gays stomping around in fabulous jackboots, but by another straight “Christian” shitfuck politician slamming his dick into someone who isn’t his wife.

 

Toews’s affair became public two years ago, but the scandal didn’t destroy him - he became minister of public safety this January - because the Canadian press sniffed that Toews’s affair and divorce were private. Excuse me, Canadian-press pansies, but a politician who scares up votes attacking the private lives of others, a politician who insists that other people are out to destroy his marriage, can’t be allowed to hide behind “my private business!” when it turns out that the only threat to the politician’s marriage was the politician’s own greasy cock.

 

Here’s hoping that all straight folks everywhere one day realize that anti-gay ravers come in just two flavors: assholes who are externalizing their own internal struggles against homosexual desires (Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Charlie Crist, Joseph Ratzinger, et al.) and assholes who are attempting to compensate for and/or draw attention away from their own moral shortcomings (David Vitter, Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Vic Toews, et al.).

 

Toews is pronounced “taves,” and it seems to me that it should be a word for something nasty. Get on it, Canada.

 

CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE WHO ASKED: If the mother of the 13-year-old boy with the latex-glove fetish had written to me and not to Prudie - and she probably didn’t write to me for a reason - I would’ve advised her to leave her son alone, told her that fetishes aren’t mental illnesses, and suggested that her son might be feeling “horribly embarrassed and guilty” about his fetish because HIS MOTHER IS HOUNDING HIM ABOUT IT. And I would’ve told her that any wife or girlfriend who wouldn’t indulge her son’s kink - once he’s an adult - wouldn’t be worthy of his time or affections.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.

 

 

02.25.10

 

I’m writing to you to settle a dispute between my husband and me. We have been married for six years. We’re not terribly adventurous, but we’re not totally vanilla, either. However, there is one issue that is driving me insane: My husband constantly pesters me to have anal sex. We have tried it in the past, and it is NOT my bag. I don’t enjoy it AT ALL. But my husband will not stop pestering me. He thinks if we just keep trying, eventually I’ll come around to liking it. I’m pretty GGG, Dan, but this is one thing where I draw the line. He thinks I’m being unreasonable; I think he is. Do I need to give in, or does he need to get off my back?

 

Needing Expert Advice

 

I think we should all be - as I’ve written about a hundred thousand times - good (in bed), giving (of pleasure, of indulgences), and game (for very nearly anything), aka GGG. And I frequently like to remind married people - particularly, married people who value monogamy - that they willingly assumed sole responsibility for their spouses’ sexual fulfillment.

 

That said, NEA, we are each entitled to our likes and dislikes.

 

But before I let you off the anal hook: I’m assuming that your all-caps emphasis - “NOT my bag,” “don’t enjoy it AT ALL” - means that you find anal penetration to be a physical trial and/or an emotional torment. “I could TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT” or “There’s nothing in that for ME” or “That leaves me COLD” are not good enough reasons to refuse to occasionally indulge your spouse in whatever it is that gets him/her off. While it would be wonderful if every couple’s sex life consisted entirely of acts that both partners found equally thrilling - so egalitarian! So fairzees! - a fulfilling sex life is too important, particularly for monogamous couples, to trust in coincidence alone.

 

Okay, NEA, getting back to your ass: You tried it, you didn’t like it, and you don’t have to keep doing it. And, yes, your husband should stop pestering you about it, NEA, but you do have to let him grieve - grieve for the ass he isn’t going to get from you and, if you’re monogamous, grieve for the ass he isn’t going to get anywhere else.

 

And speaking of anal…

 

Nancy Elliott, a state representative in New Hampshire, wants to ban same-sex marriage in that state - where it’s been legal for less than three months - and here’s her reasoning: “We’re talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wiggling it around in excrement. And you have to think… would I allow that to be done to ME?”

 

Where to begin? How about here…

 

If you’re wiggling your penis around in excrement when you’re having anal sex, Representative Elliott, you’re doing it wrong. You would think this would be obvious even to people who’ve never had anal sex, but apparently not. So let me break it down for you, Representative Elliott: You don’t have anal sex with an ass full of shit for the same reason you don’t have oral sex with a mouth full of food. It’s messy and no one wants a mess. (Except for the people who do want a mess, of course, but they’re a blessed rarity.) An empty, douched, and lubed anal cavity isn’t that much dirtier than an empty, flossed, and brushed oral cavity.

 

I will concede that excrement is for anal what Representative Elliott is for the New Hampshire State Legislature: a PR disaster. But excrement-free anal sex is easy. Make sure there’s some fiber in your diet, be regular, and only go for it when you’re empty - no anal during your butt menses! - and you’ll never get excrement on a single wigglin’ dick.

 

And now a question for you, Representative Elliott: Are you really sure you want to make it illegal for buttfuckers to get married?

 

“According to a 2005 survey conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,” a commenter whom I’m going to quote at length (hey, Baconcat!) wrote on a blog in reaction to Elliott’s remarks, “40 percent of men and 35 percent of women between 25 and 44 had engaged in heterosexual anal sex. Some studies put the incidence of anal sex in the heterosexual population as low as 24 percent and some as high as 56 percent. Averaging those numbers, let’s say 38.8 percent of heterosexuals engage in anal sex. Ninety-six percent of Americans are straight. There are 190,000,000 adults between the ages of 18 and 65 in the United States, so that means 70,771,200 adults are engaging in heterosexual anal sex. Four percent of the adult population is gay, or 7,600,000 people. Roughly half - 3,800,000 - are gay males. Polls indicate that between 55 and 80 percent of gay males participate in anal sex. Taking the average - 67.5 percent - that means the number of gay men having anal sex comes to 2,565,000.”

 

Math is hard, Representative Elliott, but see if you can’t wiggle this into your cranial cavity: 70,771,200 is more - a whole lot more - than 2,565,000. Anal sex in America is primarily a heterosexual pursuit. So if you really want to protect the sacred sanctity of marriage from the unholy taint of penises wiggling in rectums, Representative Elliott, you need to ban straight marriage first. (We needn’t protect marriage from lesbians, of course, because lesbians don’t have anuses.)

 

I am a 26-year-old female who likes anal sex. The problem is my boyfriend’s dick is too big. It’s about nine inches long, but the real issue is girth. I enjoyed anal sex with a previous partner, but my BF and I have done it only once. It was fairly unpleasant, even though we used copious amounts of lube. Are there ways to make anal sex possible for us?

 

Achingly Needs Anal Love

 

Stop trying to wiggle that monster into your rectum, ANAL, and focus instead on fingers and toys and orgasms for you, cheeky-fucking for the boyfriend. (Think titty-fucking, but using your ass cheeks instead of your tits.) Have lots of orgasms with toys of various sizes in your ass. Then every once in a while - when you’re feeling it, when your ass feels like it’s ready, when you’re not having your butt menses - ease the boyfriend in. He should stay absolutely still while you get yourself off with your hands or a vibrator. The next time you’re feeling it, put him in and let him move around just a little while you get yourself off.

 

The goal here - and it’s a long-term goal - is to make anal sex as pleasurable for you as it is, or will be one day, for the boyfriend. Take your time, ANAL, don’t rush things, and thanks for being one of the 70,771,200 straight people out there who prove every day that you can have anal sex and access to legal marriage, too.

 

I am an 18-year-old female college freshman. My boyfriend is also 18. He recently confided in me that he wanted to wear my panties and a dress while I wore his boxers and fucked him in the ass with a dildo. I have been reading your column since I was 13. Had I never read your column, I might have assumed my boyfriend was gay or thought he was gross or thought I was gross for liking the idea. Instead, I helped pick out a dress I thought would look sweet on him, and we had a wonderful time. Thank you so much!

 

Loves Boys In Panties

 

No, thank you, LBIP, because every time a straight girl sticks something up a straight boy’s ass, a bigoted state representative dies a little inside.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

 

02.18.10

 

My boyfriend and I have agreed to abide by whatever decision you make. We’ve been together for nine months. We are gay. We live in a college town. We both found jobs here after we graduated, so we stayed. Since his sophomore year, my boyfriend has had an “arrangement” with an older man, a professor at the university. Did I say older? I meant old. We are in our mid-20s; this man is in his late 60s. The old man comes to my boyfriend’s apartment once a week and cleans it. Does his laundry. Washes his dishes. He actually pays my boyfriend for the privilege. It’s not much, $50, and the old perv says it’s for my boyfriend’s “time,” since a part of their deal is that my boyfriend has to be in the apartment while the old perv cleans it. He’s particularly pervy about how he cleans my boyfriend’s bathroom. Dan, the old perv cleans my boyfriend’s toilet bowl with his own toothbrush, which he then uses to brush his teeth the rest of the week!

 

There is no sex. (Presumably, the old perv goes home and beats off after cleaning my boyfriend’s apartment.) None of this would matter if my boyfriend and I weren’t talking about moving in together. I want this “arrangement” to stop. I don’t feel comfortable using a toilet that a man old enough to be my grandfather cleaned with his toothbrush. This has been going on for six years - the old perv has been cleaning up after my boyfriend since he was living in student housing. My boyfriend says he likes the clean apartment more than he needs the money (and that’s true, now that he’s no longer a starving student). But I say all good things must come to an end, and if I’m moving in, we’ll have to clean up after ourselves or pay a real cleaning lady to come around once a week, like regular people.

 

We agreed to leave it up to you. Dan: The old perv stays? The old perv goes?

 

Toothbrushes Are For Teeth

 

The old perv stays.

 

By allowing this man to clean his apartment, TAFT, your boyfriend is making an old perv very, very happy, and that makes the world a more joyful place generally (and your boyfriend’s apartment a tidier place particularly). Your boyfriend isn’t taking advantage of the old perv - $50 is a much more reasonable fee than most sex workers would charge for the same service (yes, your boyfriend is doing very low-level sex work) - and while the toothbrush/toilet thing is a bit… creepy… and unsanitary… I’m sure you’ll get used to it and/or be able to put it out of your mind. (Although I’d be giving the toilet an additional wipe-down if anyone - young, old, hot, not - were cleaning it for me with a ratty old toothbrush.)

 

Let’s recognize this arrangement for what it really is: a successful long-term relationship. How many relationships - gay or straight, monogamous or open, where toilets are scrubbed weekly with toothbrushes or cleaned sporadically with toilet brushes - last six years! Sorry, TAFT, but I’m constitutionally disinclined to dissolve a successful six-year relationship in favor of a relationship that has yet to reach the one-year mark.

 

And I think you knew, TAFT. I think you knew I would side with the perv - was there ever any question? - which leads me to believe that you’re secretly okay with this arrangement and an extra $50 a week to put toward household expenses, money that you can invest in cases of Clorox Wipes. You wanted a little plausible deniability, a way for the arrangement to continue without having to give it your blessing, and needed some cover. And now you have it, TAFT.

 

I’m in a friends-with-benefits arrangement with a woman I get along with really well, and I am interested in a real relationship. I know she’s open to it, but there’s one thing holding me back: She’s overweight. And while it doesn’t matter to me, it restricts what’s possible in bed. Do I talk to her about it? If so, how?

 

Some Dude

 

If this woman’s weight didn’t interfere with a friends-with-benefits arrangement - a purely sexual bargain - why would her weight and the limitations it places on what’s possible in bed factor into your decision to take this relationship “to the next level,” as the life coaches/douchefags like to say? Don’t make the mistake of assuming the choice you face is one between some hypothetical skinny bitch with no restrictions and this big woman who comes with some restrictions. Everyone has their own limits, their own capabilities, their own tastes and preferences, SD, and only a handful of us wind up in long-term relationships with partners without any restrictions whatsoever.

 

As for how to talk to her about her weight: Well, based on the furious and furiously defensive mail that pours in whenever the subject of weight comes up, I’d suggest you discuss it through a bulletproof glass partition. Or you could launch that real relationship, move in with her, and, presuming you eat decently and get regular exercise yourself, set an example of the kind of lifestyle choices that will bring down her weight and up her game.

 

I am a straight male. I have a problem ejaculating with a partner. I have failed to complete the act even when I arranged a session with two well-known porn stars I REALLY wanted. This despite sticking it nearly everywhere - no Greek - and in nearly every position. The only way I can reliably come is when I hump my mattress naked with a towel underneath me. What is my problem? I take Zoloft, which can have the effect of delaying orgasm, but that doesn’t explain how I can get off so quickly with my towel, which I do daily, but I couldn’t get it done in an entire hour with my favorite big-butted porn star who let me do whatever I wanted.

 

Fucking A Towel

 

First, a stroll down memory lane: Hearing anal sex referred to as “Greek” took me back to the days when I was a 13-year-old closet case reading the personal ads in the back of a purloined copy of the Advocate, wondering what the fuck fags meant when they described themselves as “Greek active” or “Greek passive,” and why it was that Greek actives invariably described themselves as “French passive.” It all seemed so mysterious and continental. Now, everyone is either a top or a bottom and romance is dead.

 

Moving on, FAT, it pains me to inform you that you’ve ruined your dick with that towel-and-mattress routine. You’ve trained your dick to respond to one kind of stimulation and one kind of stimulation only, a particular kind of stimulation that has very little in common with the sensations provided by big-butted porn stars. Your only hope is to stop humping the bed. Get some lube; use your left hand; use your right hand; invest in a Fleshlight; masturbate on your back, standing up, kneeling. Vary your masturbatory routine and habits and - this is the hard part - don’t resort to the towel and mattress if you have difficulty getting off. You spent a lot of time programming your dick, and it’s going to take some time to reprogram your dick, FAT. The only way to do that is to deny your dick - forever and ever, amen - the towel-and-mattress routine. Once your dick realizes that there’s no going back, it’ll adapt; it will begin to respond to the new and closer-to-human sensations that you’re making available to it. Good luck.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

02.11.10

 

A few years before my wife and I met, she made porn with her boyfriend at the time. He intended to start a pay-per-view website but never launched it. I was a bit upset when she told me, but then I remembered that I enjoy porn, and the idea of seeing the hottest woman I’ve ever met - and am now married to - doing porn might be really enjoyable, even though I wouldn’t want her sleeping with anyone else now.

 

I realize that to get these tapes I’d have to contact the ex and that might be a bad idea. What do you think?

 

Torn Over Porn

 

Um… what does she think? The wife? Have you asked her? Does she want you to see the porn she made with her ex? Does she want to have any contact - even if you handle the negotiations - with her ex?

 

If she’s cool with it, and thinks the ex will be cool with it, by all means ask for the tapes. But hold on to my e-mail address, TOP, just in case her ex is bigger than you, appears to be better in bed, clearly provided your girlfriend with more shattering orgasms, etc., and you have a careful-what-you-wish-for/no-one-could’ve-predicted meltdown and need someone to talk you off the ledge.

 

I see women prostitutes who are over 30 and independent. Twice in the last five years, the woman I was seeing turned out to be a post-op transsexual. They were both nice people, and I wish them well. But I prefer nature’s own vaginas. Some TSs disclose; some don’t. Some wind up getting outed on bulletin boards and trashed. I am sure it limits their income. What are the rules?

 

Prefers Really Original Sex

 

There are no rules in an illegal and unregulated marketplace, PROS, although I’m not sure how “truth in packaging” provisions could be enforced if prostitution were legal and regulated. So caveat emptor, boys, and try to mix a little empathy in with your emptoring. Many TS sex workers are engaged in what social workers call “survival prostitution” - they’re marginalized, they don’t have familial or societal support, and they’re selling sex to keep roofs over their heads - so they’re not duping you for shits and giggles.

 

And there are worse things than accidentally sticking your dick in a woman who was born into a man’s body, PROS. Did you catch Charlize Theron’s Academy Award–winning performance in Monster?

 

I have been in a nonmonogamous marriage for several years. We’ve had a lot of fun. My only gripe is that she is allowed to have solo adventures and I am not. When I protest, she says that she would rather stop having solo experiences than allow me to as well. This is little comfort, as I enjoy her having her own experiences. My wife is a lovely woman, and I don’t want to risk any damage to my marriage or family life (we have two wonderful kids). But it is clear to me now that I require a little safe, NSA exploration on my own every once in a while. What’s a boy to do?

 

Equal Rights In Coitus

 

Hearing about the wife’s solo adventures gives you a boner - that is what you meant by “I enjoy her having her own experiences,” right? - while the prospect of your solo adventures has the opposite effect on the wife, i.e., the thought doesn’t give her a girl boner. So while you rightly perceive her solo adventuring as unfair, ERIC, there’s something in those solo adventures for you, i.e., lots of boy boners, while there’s nothing in your proposed solo adventures for her, i.e., no girl boners.

 

Now life isn’t fair, as I hope your mama warned you, and in an open relationship, life’s unfairness can manifest itself in one partner agreeing to less freedom of action in order to accommodate the other’s insecurities, irrationalities, insanities, etc. If the unfairness of it all is unacceptable to you, ERIC, accept your wife’s offer to terminate her solo adventures. Hopefully she’ll miss them as much as you will, and in short order she’ll agree to your having solo adventures in order to start having her own again.

 

I’m a longtime fan of your column and agree with you 99 percent of the time, and I’m usually annoyed when you run counterarguments from angry readers. Alas, I think I’m one of those folks today. Your advice to Horny Homo two weeks ago was kind of messed up. While I agree that some careful wording is needed when suggesting a threesome for the first time, a closeted bi guy pretending to go into a MMF situation solely for his girlfriend’s pleasure is a recipe for disaster.

 

As a bisexual woman myself, I find it pathetic that this guy can’t suck it up and tell his girlfriend that he’s interested in having sex with men. As you’ve said to other people in similar situations, he’s better off telling his girlfriend the truth and seeing if she’s into the idea of threesomes or polyamory or what have you. Maybe she’s completely GGG for the whole thing - or maybe she’d rather not be used by two liars looking to scratch an itch.

 

Flippant Answer Isn’t Legit

 

They can’t all be gems, FAIL, and that response sucked balls. Consider it withdrawn. And for the record: Yes to honesty, yes to the dude telling his girlfriend he’s bi, and yes to angry readers calling me on my fails, FAIL. My response was intended to be tongue-in-cheek, but it was head-in-ass. My apologies.

 

So the Oscar nominations just came out. The same question plagues me every year - both at nomination time and when the awards roll around. How many people do you think have been fucked with an Oscar? I mean, it’s shaped just right and so associated with power, fantasy, etc. that it’s just gotta happen, and I’m betting pretty often. Have you heard any news along these lines? Do you think I’m off base?

 

Hoping Every Lovely Little Oscar Gets Oiled Really Good Evoking Orgasms Up Starbutts

 

First, a programming note: When Savage Love readers noticed that I was turning sign-offs into acronyms to save space, they began crafting sign-offs that resulted in amusing and/or revealing acronyms, e.g., PROS, ERIC, FAIL. But long sign-offs, even if they make for terrific acronyms, don’t save space. So limit your creative sign-off to no more than five or six words, dear readers, if you want to see it in print. (I’m making an exception for HELLOGORGEOUS for reasons that will be immediately apparent to anyone who’s ever had a cock in his pants and his mouth simultaneously.)

 

Okay, HELLOGORGEOUS, your letter arrived on the day I had the distinct pleasure/honor of hanging out with a couple of people who just so happen to have four - four! - Oscars on a shelf in their offices. Spooky! They laughed when I showed them your letter. Not because they had fucked themselves with their Oscars, HELLOGORGEOUS, but because the first thing they observed about their Oscars was that they were, indeed, “shaped just right.” (I thought the shoulders were a bit wide, personally, but the base was flared, which is what you want with an insertion toy.)

 

I didn’t press them on whether they had confirmed their suspicions - we’d only just met - but rest assured, HELLOGORGEOUS, if it can be stuffed in someone’s ass and/or twat, however inadvisable said stuffing might be, someone somewhere has shoved the thing - Coke bottle, Oscar statuette, Scott Brown action figure - into an ass and/or twat.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

02.04.10

 

A few years before my wife and I met, she made porn with her boyfriend at the time. He intended to start a pay-per-view website but never launched it. I was a bit upset when she told me, but then I remembered that I enjoy porn, and the idea of seeing the hottest woman I’ve ever met - and am now married to - doing porn might be really enjoyable, even though I wouldn’t want her sleeping with anyone else now.

 

I realize that to get these tapes I’d have to contact the ex and that might be a bad idea. What do you think?

 

Torn Over Porn

 

Um… what does she think? The wife? Have you asked her? Does she want you to see the porn she made with her ex? Does she want to have any contact - even if you handle the negotiations - with her ex?

 

If she’s cool with it, and thinks the ex will be cool with it, by all means ask for the tapes. But hold on to my e-mail address, TOP, just in case her ex is bigger than you, appears to be better in bed, clearly provided your girlfriend with more shattering orgasms, etc., and you have a careful-what-you-wish-for/no-one-could’ve-predicted meltdown and need someone to talk you off the ledge.

 

I see women prostitutes who are over 30 and independent. Twice in the last five years, the woman I was seeing turned out to be a post-op transsexual. They were both nice people, and I wish them well. But I prefer nature’s own vaginas. Some TSs disclose; some don’t. Some wind up getting outed on bulletin boards and trashed. I am sure it limits their income. What are the rules?

 

Prefers Really Original Sex

 

There are no rules in an illegal and unregulated marketplace, PROS, although I’m not sure how “truth in packaging” provisions could be enforced if prostitution were legal and regulated. So caveat emptor, boys, and try to mix a little empathy in with your emptoring. Many TS sex workers are engaged in what social workers call “survival prostitution” - they’re marginalized, they don’t have familial or societal support, and they’re selling sex to keep roofs over their heads - so they’re not duping you for shits and giggles.

 

And there are worse things than accidentally sticking your dick in a woman who was born into a man’s body, PROS. Did you catch Charlize Theron’s Academy Award–winning performance in Monster?

 

I have been in a nonmonogamous marriage for several years. We’ve had a lot of fun. My only gripe is that she is allowed to have solo adventures and I am not. When I protest, she says that she would rather stop having solo experiences than allow me to as well. This is little comfort, as I enjoy her having her own experiences. My wife is a lovely woman, and I don’t want to risk any damage to my marriage or family life (we have two wonderful kids). But it is clear to me now that I require a little safe, NSA exploration on my own every once in a while. What’s a boy to do?

 

Equal Rights In Coitus

 

Hearing about the wife’s solo adventures gives you a boner - that is what you meant by “I enjoy her having her own experiences,” right? - while the prospect of your solo adventures has the opposite effect on the wife, i.e., the thought doesn’t give her a girl boner. So while you rightly perceive her solo adventuring as unfair, ERIC, there’s something in those solo adventures for you, i.e., lots of boy boners, while there’s nothing in your proposed solo adventures for her, i.e., no girl boners.

 

Now life isn’t fair, as I hope your mama warned you, and in an open relationship, life’s unfairness can manifest itself in one partner agreeing to less freedom of action in order to accommodate the other’s insecurities, irrationalities, insanities, etc. If the unfairness of it all is unacceptable to you, ERIC, accept your wife’s offer to terminate her solo adventures. Hopefully she’ll miss them as much as you will, and in short order she’ll agree to your having solo adventures in order to start having her own again.

 

I’m a longtime fan of your column and agree with you 99 percent of the time, and I’m usually annoyed when you run counterarguments from angry readers. Alas, I think I’m one of those folks today. Your advice to Horny Homo two weeks ago was kind of messed up. While I agree that some careful wording is needed when suggesting a threesome for the first time, a closeted bi guy pretending to go into a MMF situation solely for his girlfriend’s pleasure is a recipe for disaster.

 

As a bisexual woman myself, I find it pathetic that this guy can’t suck it up and tell his girlfriend that he’s interested in having sex with men. As you’ve said to other people in similar situations, he’s better off telling his girlfriend the truth and seeing if she’s into the idea of threesomes or polyamory or what have you. Maybe she’s completely GGG for the whole thing - or maybe she’d rather not be used by two liars looking to scratch an itch.

 

Flippant Answer Isn’t Legit

 

They can’t all be gems, FAIL, and that response sucked balls. Consider it withdrawn. And for the record: Yes to honesty, yes to the dude telling his girlfriend he’s bi, and yes to angry readers calling me on my fails, FAIL. My response was intended to be tongue-in-cheek, but it was head-in-ass. My apologies.

 

So the Oscar nominations just came out. The same question plagues me every year - both at nomination time and when the awards roll around. How many people do you think have been fucked with an Oscar? I mean, it’s shaped just right and so associated with power, fantasy, etc. that it’s just gotta happen, and I’m betting pretty often. Have you heard any news along these lines? Do you think I’m off base?

 

Hoping Every Lovely Little Oscar Gets Oiled Really Good Evoking Orgasms Up Starbutts

 

First, a programming note: When Savage Love readers noticed that I was turning sign-offs into acronyms to save space, they began crafting sign-offs that resulted in amusing and/or revealing acronyms, e.g., PROS, ERIC, FAIL. But long sign-offs, even if they make for terrific acronyms, don’t save space. So limit your creative sign-off to no more than five or six words, dear readers, if you want to see it in print. (I’m making an exception for HELLOGORGEOUS for reasons that will be immediately apparent to anyone who’s ever had a cock in his pants and his mouth simultaneously.)

 

Okay, HELLOGORGEOUS, your letter arrived on the day I had the distinct pleasure/honor of hanging out with a couple of people who just so happen to have four - four! - Oscars on a shelf in their offices. Spooky! They laughed when I showed them your letter. Not because they had fucked themselves with their Oscars, HELLOGORGEOUS, but because the first thing they observed about their Oscars was that they were, indeed, “shaped just right.” (I thought the shoulders were a bit wide, personally, but the base was flared, which is what you want with an insertion toy.)

 

I didn’t press them on whether they had confirmed their suspicions - we’d only just met - but rest assured, HELLOGORGEOUS, if it can be stuffed in someone’s ass and/or twat, however inadvisable said stuffing might be, someone somewhere has shoved the thing - Coke bottle, Oscar statuette, Scott Brown action figure - into an ass and/or twat.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

01.28.10

 

I’m a single (mostly) gay guy who is curious about women. A hot bisexual mate is interested in a friends-with-benefits arrangement. I’m not looking for an LTR just now, so regular, no-strings sex sounds great. However, his girlfriend doesn’t know he’s bisexual, and I’d feel uncomfortable having sex with him behind her back. I’ve said no to guys in the past, bi and gay, because they wanted to go behind their partners’ backs. My mate would like his girlfriend to know about him because he’d really like to have threesomes with her (something I’m up for), but he’s worried about how she’ll react.

 

Personally, I’d be more concerned about how she might react if she found out about his sexuality some other way. That’s one reason why I always err on the side of honesty. However, I’m not exactly unbiased: I’d prefer threesomes to dicks-only sessions. What should I do?

 

Horny Homo

 

How about a little honesty mixed with a little dishonesty?

 

Your mate should offer his girlfriend the boy-girl-boy threesome that all of today’s modern young women fantasize about. (Blame Twilight - why can’t Bella have it all?) If your mate is worried that she’ll react negatively to the suggestion, he can open by telling her that what he’s about to propose was all your idea. She’ll want to know if his gay-but-bi-curious mate - that’s you - is going to want to get into his presumed-to-be-straight pants. Your mate should shrug and say, “Maybe…” and depending on the look on her face when the possibility of Edward-on-Jacob action is raised - disgusted or intrigued? - end with either “…but I don’t think I’m interested in going there” (leaving open the possibility of “getting carried away” and “going there” during the threesome) or “…and I might go there if that would turn you on” (making any boy-on-boy action at the threesome something he did for her).

 

If the threesome is a success and you two wind up playing with and in front of her, HH, your mate can come to the sudden and shocking realization that he’s bisexual. This will hopefully lead to future threesomes and, perhaps, at some point, her blessing for some boys-only time. If she objects, HH, your mate can blame her for “making” him bisexual - or making him realize it - because he fell on your sword that first time because it was what she wanted.

 

I’m a woman whose “super-hetero” boyfriend is quite shy and needs to build trust before he can open up to someone. Since I have gained his trust, he has revealed that he fantasizes about m-m-f threesomes. I’ve asked him if he is turned on by the idea of another man’s penis, and he says no, he just wants to see me have sex with another man. Yet when he describes his dirtiest fantasies to me at the peak of arousal, he says he gets off on the idea of double penetration - one penis in my anus, another in my vagina - and wants to feel the other man’s penis bump up against his own, separated by my innards.

 

Do you think he is bisexual or bi-curious? We intend to enact this fantasy, and I wonder if it could shift the dynamic of our relationship.

 

Threesome Curious

 

It can be hard to predict whether a man will have an epiphany during an m-m-f threesome and come to the sudden and shocking realization that he’s bisexual. (Um… does your boyfriend refer to his male friends as “mate,” by any chance? Is he a fan of the Twilight series?) He’s obviously more aroused by male-male contact than he’s capable of admitting when he isn’t about to blow a load, TC. This fantasy of his isn’t about, or isn’t just about, wanting to gangbang a girl with a buddy. Your boyfriend wants to bump penises with another dude - but with your, um, lady “innards” providing the “no homo” absolution.

 

But I don’t think you need to extract a full confession of bi-curiousness or even heteroflexibility before you realize this fantasy. He may not be in denial about what his desires add up to, TC. He just may want to check his fantasies about male-male contact against the reality of male-male contact before he tells you what he suspects: He’s the tiniest bit bisexual.

 

I have an uncle who calls me “faggot” whenever he and I are alone in the same room. He’s a conservative, straight Mormon. I’m a boy who’s had sexual encounters with guys and girls, and I’m trying to figure out my own sexuality while dealing with all of the other stuff that comes with going off to college, and frankly I don’t need his crap. Do I tell my parents? I’m kind of bi right now, so he’s half right, but what business is it of his?

 

Uncertain Nephew Craving Levelheaded Explanation

 

Your uncle is hitting on you, UNCLE, in his fashion - that is, the fashion of the tormented, self-hating, conservative/religious closet case. If you don’t wanna find yourself standing there with your uncle’s tongue stuffed in your mouth someday - you’d be surprised how quickly someone can stuff his tongue in your mouth - I would advise you not to spend another moment alone with your asshole uncle. And, yes, tell your parents what he’s been doing. Because, UNCLE, if he ever makes a pass at you and a scene ensues - you scream, you yell, you bite his tongue off and spit it out the window - your uncle is going to insist that you made the pass at him.

 

I’m a 31-year-old gay man. My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. We have enjoyed a few threesomes with other men, so I assumed I could share a particular fantasy of mine: I’ve never had sex with a woman and I want to.

 

I am not questioning my sexuality, I’m not “bi,” I have zero desire to date women. But my boyfriend immediately accused me of having issues with my sexuality, and after a two-week fight I dropped it. Fast-forward to just before Christmas: I received a promotion, moved to a new floor, and have my own office now - and one of my new female coworkers has been coming on to me. First problem: She’s married, so that would be crossing a line. Second, we’re coworkers and she has even more to lose than I do.

 

Is there some other way - I already tried the direct approach - to bring this fantasy up to my boyfriend again, or should I just let it go?

 

Flirting With Danger

 

I’m shocked that your boyfriend - a man who’s willing to share his boyfriend’s ass with other men - would react so violently to your curiosity about lady innards. But seeing as the direct approach prompted a two-week-long fight, FWD, I can’t imagine you would have much more success with the indirect approach. (I can’t imagine what the indirect approach would be.)

 

Since you’re not strictly monogamous and the boyfriend’s not strictly rational about this, FWD, a case could be made for satisfying your lady-innards curiosity on the sly and filing the affair under “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” But I can’t think of a worse set of lady innards to satisfy your curiosity with than this woman’s. You could wind up losing your job and your boyfriend if the affair got ugly and got out.

 

Wait, FWD, wait. In time, some other gay-outards-curious lady will come along, and perhaps by then your boyfriend will have come around.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

01.21.10

 

I have a problem. A key part of my problem, I feel, is that I’m a recovering anorexic and I am still struggling a great deal to eat normal and healthy portions of food. A friend and I have recently become “friends with benefits.” He lives very far away, so we primarily indulge through IMs. He knows I have issues with food, though he doesn’t know to what extent. Normally, I try to be GGG, even trying out a bit of vore in our role-playing and making it a regular thing since he really enjoys it. Recently, though, he brought up adding pregnancy play to our games, and I’m terrified of trying it. Just the thought of it is a bit triggering to me, and I’m so scared that actually trying it will be even more triggering, not to mention my fear that, once we finally get together again physically, he will want to indulge in pregnancy play with me wearing one of those fake-stomach things.

 

Am I overreacting and should I just go through with it, try it at least once? How do I explain to him that I’m scared that something he finds exciting could send me right back into the starving hell I was dealing with just a month ago?

 

Fearing Erotic Deeds

 

“Where to start?” asks Brian, a straight, married Catholic guy who won the right to give advice in this space at a charity auction. (Yes, yes: Writing an advice column is a sacred trust - blah blah what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-Savage blah - and letting some auction winner rummage through my e-mail is a brutal violation of that trust, etc., etc., and I’m a bad, bad man, etc., etc.)

 

“That you are having trouble eating anywhere close to normal shows that you have not fully recovered from your anorexia,” Brian continues. “And that you’re worrying about pregnancy play and its effects on your psyche tells me that you are not even in the recovering phase yet. Pregnant does not equal fat. I’m not even sure that fake pregnant equals fake fat, but that is beside the point. While pregnant women can become fat, and fat women can become pregnant, the two have very little to do with each other.”

 

Let me break in here for a second: Vore play, FED? Really? Is that wise? Vore, for the uninitiated, is short for vorarephilia, which involves fantasies about being eaten or eating. It’s hard to imagine a more potentially damaging fantasy role-play scenario for a recovering anorexic than vore, for crying out loud, particularly when that anorexic has only been “recovering” for a month.

 

“If strapping a plastic baby bump under your T-shirt is going to send you back to Starvingtown, USA,” Brian advises, “then you need to address these issues with professional counseling. GGG or not, you are no good to your current FWB, any future ones, or to yourself if you don’t get past this.”

 

Dan again: Frankly, FED, I’d advise you to give sex a rest for the moment. You don’t have to be 100 percent recovered before you become sexually active again, of course, but I’m concerned about your judgment and that your FWB - who knows that you have “issues with food” - would pursue these particular fantasy scenarios.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. We have a really great relationship and we talk out any issues that arise, but right now we have a problem that can’t really be talked out. He has a really close female friend whom he supposedly has no romantic feelings for whatsoever. I get along pretty well with her. But recently, he has started to get our names mixed up. The first time he did it to me, we were on the phone. He said, “I love you, [insert her name].” It was upsetting, but I brushed it off as a one-time brain fart. But since then, he’s done it a half a dozen more times. We’ve talked about it, and he says he has no idea why he does it and that it doesn’t mean anything, but it still hurts me so much when it happens. Is it possible that it really means nothing? How can I just ignore it?

 

Hurt And Confused

 

“What’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss?” asks Brian. “You are about to find out. Heads you cut him loose and move on; tails you pass off his name switching as a brain fart and don’t give it another thought.”

 

Brian isn’t serious about the coin toss. I think. He just wants to draw attention to your predicament and the choice you face. At least I think that’s what he means. Okay, back to Brian:

 

“Either you believe they are just friends or you don’t. My suspicion is that you feel threatened by this girl. The tone of your letter also implies that if you did pressure him, you believe he would choose her over you. But maybe not - I really have no way of knowing.”

 

And that’s what separates the advice professionals from the auction-winning amateurs. Now, Brian’s a lovely guy and he’s doing a great job - and he made a sizable donation to a worthy charity - but advice professionals never let not knowing stop us from making definitive pronouncements: Your boyfriend may have feelings for this other woman, HAC, and feelings for you that are just as strong or stronger. Whether or not you should DTMFA depends entirely on how strong your feelings are for him.

 

Okay, now back to Brian. It turns out that he is serious about a coin toss: “Go to the nearest vending machine,” Brian says, “and buy a can of Coke for 75 cents. Use the quarter you get back for that coin toss. If you find out later that your decision was wrong, then so be it. But to live in a state of paranoia about a name slip seems silly.”

 

In your advice last week to Lonely One Seeks Ties you said, “Munches are informal gatherings hosted by and for straight folks into BDSM…” I’ve attended various munches on a regular basis, and I’d have to say that over half of the regular attendees at each of them are not straight. The folks at the monthly munch I attend include my Husband/Owner (pansexual trans man), a gay male couple, a straight male/bisexual female couple, a lesbian possibly accompanied by one of her female partners/submissives, a hetero couple (at least as they present straight), a single bisexual man, a crossdressing male, and a straight man with two bisexual female submissives. Munches are for everyone!

 

Bad Dan’s Silly Munchconception

 

Sorry about that, BDSM.

 

I’ve actually never been to a munch, and the people I know who go are straight or, um, “straight presenting.” The fags I know into BDSM - hey guys! - have a much easier time finding partners than my straight kinky pals, which perhaps makes munches less necessary for gays, if no less welcoming of gays. Straights tend to be more invested in “normal” - and quicker to freak out about kinks - than proud-to-be-abnormal homos.

 

But I stand corrected: Munches are for everyone. I should’ve checked with a regular munch-goer, and someone really ought to punish me for screwing this up.

 

Any takers?

 

HEY, READERS: Why not be like Brian and make a donation to a worthy charity? The people of Haiti could really use your help. I made a donation at www.redcross.org. You should, too. And fuck Pat Robertson and his vile, hateful, santorum-spewing mouth.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

01.14.10

 

I am a 34-year-old straight, single female. I have a fantasy I can’t find much about online, so I figured I’d ask you for advice.

 

My fantasy is to be blindfolded, bent over a table/couch/whatever, and fucked by whoever happens to walk by. I realize this would have to take place in a safe environment, but most sex clubs or parties tend to be for swingers, specifically couples. There’s a sex club nearby that looks like it might cater to my fantasy, but can I just walk in off the street and bend over? Do I need to go a few times first and talk to people? That kind of kills the fantasy of it, really. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Take A Number

 

You could probably walk into a sex club and bend over - lord knows some gay men do just that - but it would be a bad idea.

 

But you can realize your fantasy, TAN, and here’s how: Most swingers clubs permit couples and single women to attend parties (sorry, single guys). Go to a few parties, keep your pants on, introduce yourself around, find a couple or two whom you click with. Share your fantasy with your new friends and ask if they might be interested in helping you realize it.

 

And your fantasy is totally realizable - I’ve seen very similar ones realized once or twice - but the only way to realize your fantasy safely is with a couple of trusted friends hovering nearby. You need someone there who’s making sure that men who take advantage of you in your bent-over-and-blindfolded state have condoms on and don’t attempt to do anything other than what you’ve consented to.

 

Sometimes realizing a fantasy requires a little suspension of disbelief, TAN, so you’ll just have to pretend your guardian angels aren’t there watching out for you. And if part of what makes the fantasy so hot is being a helpless sex object in a room full of strangers, you can always go with your friends to a different sex club, one where you don’t know anyone but that your new friends checked out for you in advance.

 

I’m a single, straight guy who just turned 30. Never had a serious relationship, had sex twice. Not for a lack of opportunity, but I wasn’t ready for it emotionally until I was about 25. I’m a good-looking guy with a good job. I’m funny, independent, and easygoing. But I feel like there is a wall preventing me from having a relationship. Part of it is that I like having my own space. I like solitude, but I feel like I could let someone in my life and make time for her and go from there. And another part of it is I cannot for the life of me flirt with a girl I find attractive. I can turn a girl I’m not attracted to beet red if I have to, but I get tongue-tied around girls I think are hot.

 

Now that I feel mature enough to have someone in my life, what can I do to break down this wall I’ve put up to protect myself?

 

Lonely One Seeks Ties

 

P.S. I should probably add that I’m a submissive. Not that I’m looking to be emotionally dominated or anything, but being tied up in a corner and only speaking when Mistress tells me it’s okay sounds pretty awesome.

 

I’m glad you included that postscript, LOST.

 

Google the term “munch,” along with “BDSM” and the name of the city where you live (or the nearest big city if you live in buttfucknowhere). Munches are informal gatherings hosted by and for straight folks into BDSM; most are hosted by reputable BDSM or sex clubs - Orlando Power Exchange, Los Angeles’s Threshold Society, Seattle’s Center for Sex Positive Culture - and nothing happens at a munch. No sex, no play, just conversation and lunch. You’ll meet other kinky straight folks who are interested in what you’re interested in, and you’ll be forced to interact with the women there - even the ones who typically leave you tongue-tied.

 

Serious question here: Does putting toothpaste or Bengay or whatever else on one’s scrotum cause sterility or have any other negative health effects?

 

Great Balls Of Fire

 

Um… nope. It would probably be for the best if the guys who’ve posted YouTube videos of themselves putting Bengay on their balls were all sterile, GBOF, but most will sadly reproduce.

 

I’m a pretty hairy dude. I like my hairy chest. I like growing a beard in the winter. I like my hairy arms and legs. The only place that I don’t like hair is my crotch. I shave my pubes pretty regularly, but I have long, scraggly, gross hairs all over my balls, which I could really do without. The thought of accidentally cutting myself down there has been a pretty good deterrent from going at it with a razor, and just the idea of putting some hair-removal product like Nair down there makes me wince. I’ve poked around the internet and haven’t been able to find a real satisfactory answer, so I thought I’d turn to my last resort: Is there a safe, easy, relatively pain-free way to get rid of this unsightly hair?

 

Clever Nickname Up To You

 

Um… nope. Waxing is the way to go, but it smarts.

 

Your advice for Seriously Troubled Here, the MARRIED MAN whose WIFE made out with another man (who she CLAIMS was gay) was the kind of knee-jerk anti-male bullshit and anti-male bias that straight men have come to expect from therapists, advice columnists, and “sex experts.” She gets drunk and flirts with other men and MAKES OUT WITH THEM, and he’s the douchebag?

 

Fuck you and your misandry. Men shouldn’t seek your advice because you’re clearly incapable of taking their side. You may not like pussy yourself, you cocksucker, but you’ll take the twat’s side every time. The world doesn’t need another asshole “advice professional” who sides with the woman no matter what she does.

 

Men Against Dan

 

Excuse me? I’m the advice columnist - I’m practically the only advice columnist - who doesn’t automatically leap to the woman’s side in a dispute. I’m the guy who tells women that all men watch porn (so get over it or get a dog), that oral comes standard (sucking cock and eating pussy), and that under certain circumstances a husband (or a wife) has a right and a responsibility to cheat (just because you’re not interested in sex anymore doesn’t mean he has to go without for the rest of his life). You won’t get that from Prudie or Amy or Carolyn.

 

Sorry, MAD, and everyone else who wrote in: I stand behind my advice to STH. His wife was apologetic and recognized that her behavior would have to change because it was, at the very least, deeply upsetting to her husband. She also confessed to kissing another dude, a gay dude, two years before they married, and he was having trouble forgiving her. If the roles were reversed - husband kissed lesbian two years before the wedding and wife couldn’t forgive and move on - you can bet your clenched butts that I would’ve called the wife a douchebag.

 

For crying out loud, MAD, I’ve told wives - and husbands - to forgive and forget infidelities. Did you really expect me to tell STH to leave his wife over a kiss?

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

01.07.10

 

I am a queer lady in my 20s. My boyfriend and I recently discovered that we are both into BDSM. We started with some light bondage and spanking, added some role-play, and are moving toward some heavier stuff. I’ve spent some time reading online BDSM erotica, and here’s what’s stressing me out: I tend to gravitate toward stories that include age play (underage girls with older men). I think pedophilia is wrong and disgusting, yet I get off on the stories. I can’t stop feeling like I’m a huge pervert. Also, what is a good way to introduce the idea of age play to my boyfriend without sounding perverted? Is age play perverted?

 

Feeling Like A Pervert

 

You’re already doing BDSM, FLAP, so it’s a little late to start concerning yourself with what is and isn’t perverted. I’m not saying that BDSM is perverted - it isn’t in my opinion - but the kind of people who obsess about the supposed perversity of other people’s sex lives regard BDSM as hella perverted, as the kids were only too recently saying.

 

All you need to concern yourself with, FLAP, is consent - obtaining consent before anything goes down, maintaining a state of consent once things get going. So are you a consenting adult, FLAP? Is your partner a consenting adult? Yes and yes? Then you’re free to do whatever the hell you want in the sack - and that includes pretending that one of you isn’t a consenting adult.

 

Adults can safely and ethically explore through fantasy and role-play things that we wouldn’t (because they’re wrong) or couldn’t (because they’re impossible) do in reality. A nice girl who would never dream of ever actually owning a human being can pretend to own a sex slave without having to forfeit her “nice girl” status; a decent guy who would never commit the crime of rape can pretend to rape a partner with rape fantasies without having to forfeit his “decent guy” status. The same goes for age play, FLAP.

 

As for telling the boyfriend about it without sounding perverted: Sorry, FLAP, can’t help you there. It’s going to sound perverted - and sick and wrong - because the scenario you want to explore is all kinds of sick and wrong. Just own it when you tell him about it: “I know this is crazy and fucked up, but these stories really turn me on.” You don’t want to fuck kids; you want to pretend to be the kid your boyfriend fucks. He doesn’t want to fuck kids; he wants to fuck you while you’re pretending to be a kid.

 

My roommate and best friend is a good-looking, professional young man with a conservative sensibility and traditional values. Recently, one of his married coworkers (an attractive, bright, and sexy young lady in his appropriate age group) has been pursuing him to have an affair. I’ve met her personally, and she’s a very cool girl. Confident, socially graceful, and fun. She is currently in the process of legally separating from her husband (her only sexual partner), who over the last year or so has completely cut her off sexually.

 

My roommate is a good guy and wants no part of a sexual relationship with her while she’s married. Even if she does separate, he is worried about being a rebound and simply not wanting to deal with the emotional baggage that comes with being her first sexual experience outside of her current husband. I’ve told him to wait until she’s separated, but then to go for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? He’s my best friend, and I don’t want to see him hurt. I also know that she’s a cool person who will be scooped up by some lucky guy if he doesn’t do the right things now.

 

Dude In Seattle

 

Let me see if I follow you: If this woman were unmarried and unattached, DIS, your friend with the “traditional values” wouldn’t have any problem fucking her? A point of order: When did premarital sex become a “traditional value”?

 

Frankly, DIS, I don’t care if your buddy fucks this woman or not. (I think he should; lots of rebounds turn into wonderful and lasting relationships, lots of solid marriages had squalid beginnings.) I’m just curious how we got to the point where anything goes - premarital sex, oral and anal sodomy, multiple marriages (hey there, Karl Rove!) - for heterosexuals and nothing is a violation of “traditional values” so long as the fornicators are straight. How did we get to the point where an unmarried straight man with shit on his dick and three different women’s pubes in his mouth can claim to have a “conservative sensibility and traditional values”?

 

How’d that happen?

 

As for your friend, DIS, I’ve known a few guys who went on and on about how attracted they were to a particular woman and how much they wanted to fuck her in all of her orifices and eat her pussy until she came so hard she basically turned inside out but just couldn’t bring themselves to have hot, premarital, heterosexual sex because some technicality or other violated their traditional values. All of those guys eventually came out of the closet. Just sayin’.

 

Could you wax philosophical for a paragraph or two, Dan, about a column from a few weeks ago? I want to know what makes Sexually Frustrated Fetishist’s preference to involve feet in sex morally preferable to his partner’s preference not to do so? Why is her insistence on her preference “selfish” while his insistence merely reflects his “sexual fulfillment”? More generally, what’s the reason for your tendency to side with the person who wants to do x, even to the point of encouraging infidelity, over the person who doesn’t want to do x, when the more intuitive answer might be “Gee, maybe you guys just aren’t sexually compatible?”

 

Skeptical Erotic Compromises

 

I don’t always side with the kinksters, SEC. I’ve come down squarely on the side of the person who doesn’t want to do “x” - I’ve backed women who didn’t want to cuckold their husbands, and guys who didn’t want to have same-sex contact during a threesome - on many occasions. But I do encourage people to be good, giving, and game (GGG), which only requires us, as I’ve explained again and again, to consider our partner’s reasonable sexual requests. I’ve never suggested that any and all sexual requests must be fulfilled.

 

I’ll wax now for a moment: The odds that any one of us will wind up with a partner whose sexual interests align perfectly with our own are essentially zero. Since no two people are a perfect fit sexually, SEC, both partners must engage in a good-faith give-and-take to craft a mutually satisfying sexual repertoire that doesn’t leave either person feeling resentful or badly used. Does everyone get everything they want? Nope. But each of us has a right to put our needs out there and a concurrent responsibility to meet our partner’s needs if at all possible. And each of us should have the sense to pull the plug when the sexual disconnect is too great.

 

As to the particulars of SFF’s case - what makes his request for foot action reasonable and his girlfriend’s refusal to indulge him unreasonable - it comes down to just what is being asked of the nonkinky partner. SFF is asking his girlfriend to kick off her shoes every once in a while and allow him to treat her feet the way another man might treat his girlfriend’s breasts. It’s not too much to ask, SEC, and an unselfish lover wouldn’t regard it as too much to give.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

12.31.09

 

Set me straight. I married my wife several months ago after dating for three years. Things are generally excellent, except for one problem: When my wife gets drunk, she gets crazy flirtatious. She’ll dance close to people, touch them, hold hands. A couple of times, I thought it went too far and I told her she was making me uncomfortable. She claims it is just harmless friendliness/flirtation and she would never let anything happen.

 

Well, as it turns out, something did happen. After she was dancing, hugging, and getting kissed on the cheek by a woman I think was a lesbian at a recent party, it came out during the subsequent argument that in year two of our relationship, she was high and dancing at a club with several gay men and she French-kissed one of the friends. While she acknowledges that a line was crossed (which is why she didn’t tell me when it happened), she says it was just a very intense but regrettable “friendship moment” and nothing more. She says this gay man is not bi.

 

I’m grappling with three issues: (1) Did she cheat? Although we’ve never talked about the rules concerning kissing gay friends, we both know she crossed a line (there was tongue). (2) How much did she betray me by not telling me until after we were married? (3) Am I being a selfish prude by caring about either her aggressive flirting or this kiss? She is very contrite and swears she will calm down the flirtation. Should I forgive her and move on? Or should I run the hell away before it’s too late?

 

Seriously Troubled Here

 

1. No.

 

2. Your wife’s failure to disclose a single drugged-up, blissed-out, pre-exchange-of-vows kiss shared with a gay dude on a dance floor - even with tongue - does not constitute a “betrayal.” It constitutes an omission.

 

3. Yes, STH, you are being a selfish prude, and yes, you should forgive her.

 

The aggressive flirting could be a problem - if your wife is flirting at all aggressively. I’m wary of accepting your characterization of her behavior at face value, STH, as your overreaction to the kiss leads me to believe that you might not be rational about your wife’s behavior generally. Where you see getting too near, dancing too close, and being too friendly, a slightly less paranoid/controlling spouse might see innocent flirtatiousness. But if she agrees that her flirting is indeed a problem - if for no other reason than it bothers her husband - and she’s willing to tamp it down for your sake, you should “forgive her and move on,” by which I mean “YOU SHOULD CEASE BEING SUCH A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG about (1) the kiss and (2) the flirting and (3) the fucking kiss already.”

 

That said, STH, I wouldn’t want to be married to a man who claimed to love me but couldn’t forgive me for something so trifling as a meaningless kiss. So I’m not sure I’m doing your wife any favors by talking you off the ledge. Honestly, STH, someone who is hesitant to forgive is hardly husband material. A successful marriage is basically an endless cycle of wrongs committed, apologies offered, and forgiveness granted, STH, all leavened by the occasional orgasm. If you’re having such a hard time forgiving her for this piddling “betrayal,” STH, you’re not cut out for marriage and your wife may want to run away before it’s too late.

 

My husband and I have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when we’re apart. A few months ago, I hooked up with a guy on a business trip who said he and his wife have the same arrangement. He was lying. His wife found out and started harassing me on Facebook. I truly feel horrible. How can I know if someone is really in an open relationship when they say they are? I am so done.

 

Fucking Asshole Idiot Losers

 

The only way to verify that someone is in an open relationship is to speak to that person’s partner - and that would constitute “telling,” FAIL, and a violation of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. But even a couple with a “please ask, do tell” policy probably has a rule against 2:00 a.m. calls from drunken hotel-bar pickups. So you’ll just have to trust your gut, FAIL, which failed you here. Just remember this on your next business trip: The further a married person is from home and the drunker that married person is, the likelier it is that that married person is lying to you.

 

I’m a 17-year-old gay male. I’m into farts. It took me a while to come to terms with that. I attend a moderate-sized high school where there are very few out gay guys, so I’m desperately looking forward to meeting new people in college. The thing is, I’ve gleaned from your column that my fetish is a handicap. It was hard enough accepting that I’m gay and harder still to accept that I have a fart fetish. Do I now have to accept that I will never be able to go through the cycle of human sexual bonding in a normal way, since you suggest that fetishists like me should stick to sex workers and online-organized hookups with fellow fetishists?

 

I don’t mean to be combative. I’m just wondering what lies in store for me and whether there’s any hope. I’m not a sick bastard in any way but this, and it would be devastating for me to hear that I should skip dating altogether and head to the chat rooms. I would be really grateful if you could offer me some candid - but sensitive  - insight on this.

 

Help Out Pubescent Eproctophiliac

 

Here’s what lies in store for you, HOPE: You’re going to meet guys online who share your fetish. There aren’t tons of you out there, I’m sorry-ish to say, so that means the odds are slim that you’ll meet a fellow eproctophiliac living on or near your campus. And if you do find someone online who lives on or near your campus who shares your kink, the odds that you’ll be both physically and romantically attracted to him - the odds that he’ll be boyfriend material - are slimmer still.

 

But rest assured: People meet online every day - straight people, queer people, vanillas, kinksters - and fall in love. If you do find someone online who shares your kink and whom you click with, HOPE, don’t make the mistake of ruling him out as a boyfriend just because you met him in a kinky chat room. You were in that chat room and you’re relationship material, right? And if you meet a fellow fetishist whom you’re really into who lives on the other side of the country, well, that totally blows. But the rarer a fetish, the greater the lengths a fetishist sometimes has to go to find a partner. If you’re into him and he’s into you and he’s relationship material, get your ass on an airplane and go see the boy. (Take all the usual precautions - get his real name and real phone number, have your first meeting in a public place, make sure someone knows where you’re going, have someplace to stay, etc.).

 

You’ll also be able to meet guys the normal way, HOPE - in your classes, in bars, at parties, and via non-kink hookup websites popular with gay college boys. You may wind up partnered with a guy who finds you so attractive that he’s willing to indulge you. Or, like a lot of people with unique and/or challenging fetishes, you may wind up in a long-term relationship with a loving partner with whom you enjoy vanilla sex while indulging your fetish via online porn, chats, webcam sessions, and, yes, an understanding sex worker whom you treat with respect and overtip.

 

So there’s hope for you, HOPE.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

12.24.09

 

I’m a woman who wants to be spanked. But I’m overweight and self-conscious. Men who like to spank women like to spank petite women. Sometimes I’ll search kinky personal sites or other online forums and find someone who might want to spank me. But I get scared and I back out. Most recently, I’ve been talking to a trucker who stops at rest stops along his routes around the country and meets with/spanks women. He is patient and encouraging, and has references, and has directed me to boards with all this safety information, and insisted on getting to know each other via e-mail and phone conversations before we actually meet. This makes me trust him and feel better when I think about going to meet him.

 

But I still feel like it’s a very bad idea. Nobody knows I have a fetish for this stuff, so I can’t tell anyone where I’ll be going, and I feel like going to meet a stranger on a highway so he can beat me is a very stupid thing to do. Plus, if he kills me, everybody will scream, “Well, what did you think would happen!” at my fat dead body.

 

What do you think?

 

She Wants A Tanning

 

I think meeting strange men in rest stops is a bad idea generally, SWAT, and meeting strange men in rest stops for a beating seems like a particularly bad idea. There are probably lots of decent and kind truckers out there, some of them kinky, and they have just as much right to pursue their sexual interests as anyone else. (And I’m going to be hearing from them after this column appears.) But you are not the right person for a kinky rest-stop hookup with a near-stranger.

 

This has nothing to do with your size, SWAT, and everything to do with your self-esteem issues and your isolation. I’m not saying this particular trucker is a crazed serial killer or an abuser. But serial killers and abusers seek out women who are isolated and have self-esteem issues, vulnerable women they can manipulate and exploit. Until you can approach someone with some confidence and with at least one confidant, you shouldn’t be making dates to see anyone.

 

Repeat after me: “Some men like big women. Some men like spanking women. Some men like spanking big women.” For those men, your big ass is an asset, SWAT. Also: “I can’t meet someone for a kinky hookup—in a rest stop or a hotel room or someone’s apartment—unless someone knows where I’m going, who I’m with, and when I’m expected home.”

 

My boyfriend of six months has a weird dick-area odor. It’s worse after a long day, but it’s there even after he showers. It’s this sickly sweet rotting smell that makes it hard for me to give him oral. Even jacking him off can be tough when I get a whiff. In all the years I’ve been sexually active, I’ve never smelled anything like this. I wonder if it might be that he was in a brutal car accident years ago that messed up his innards. He’s one of those closed-off stoic types who hasn’t had much luck or help in life, including follow-up care after the accident, and he also doesn’t take the best care of his health—heavy smoker, doesn’t eat right or exercise (although no drugs).

 

When we first got together, he seemed like a confident, happy, dominant man, the first man of this type I have ever met who also treated me respectfully. As the relationship wears on, I am finding that he is locked up tightly with insecurities. He worries everything down to shreds and hates his job but won’t leave it because “he helps people there,” despite being royally screwed wagewise. If it were one problem or the other, I would suck it up for the sake of the most supportive relationship I’ve ever had. But iron emotional control + horrible dick odor = I have to get stupid drunk to have sex with him. Do you know what the odor might be? And should I wait to see if he loosens up more with time (his request when I talk about the emotional issue) or get on with my life solo?

 

One Dick Only Reeks

 

Our bodies have two types of sweat glands, ODOR, eccrine glands, which are all over our bodies, and apocrine glands, which are concentrated in our armpits and crotches. Apocrine glands pump out ranker-smelling sweat, and these glands pump out more sweat when a person is stressed out—and it sounds like your boyfriend is always stressed out. And since the fluids that come out of our bodies—spit, piss, come, and sweat—are composed of what we put into our bodies, your boyfriend’s shitty diet and his cigarette addiction aren’t helping matters much, either.

 

If you love him, ODOR, be straight with him: If he wants to keep you in his life, he needs to loosen up, improve his diet, and see a doc and a dermatologist about the crotch stank.

 

I have recently been toying with the idea of doing electro stuff, but I’m worried that it could get ugly. Suppose you have a battery-powered vibrator in your ass and two of those electricity-conducting e-stim pads on either ass cheek. I have horrible mental images of the vibrator exploding in my ass. Am I being completely irrational? I need a kinky electrician to guide me! Thanks so much for all that you do!

 

The Electric Company

 

“He has nothing to worry about,” says David, the mad genius behind SexTek, which makes and markets erotic e-stim gear, and my go-to guy for all e-stim questions. “The electrical bits in the vibrator won’t be bothered in the slightest by the e-stim currents flowing nearby, and the vibrator won’t interfere with the e-stim. Assuming your device is made for use on the human body, the low power currents involved only stimulate nearby nerves and muscles. The vibrator won’t be bothered at all. But make sure you’re using a proper commercial e-stim device and read the manual. Most electrosex injuries occur when someone uses the wrong equipment or improvises.”

 

Yeah, yeah: The guy who sells commercial e-stim products is telling TEC to buy a commercial e-stim product. Anyone who thinks David is wrong—anyone who thinks exploring e-stim without first purchasing equipment designed to be used for e-stim play—is welcome to stick the frayed end of an extension cord up his butt and then report back to us about how that worked out for him. The e-stim-curious with sense, however, will take David’s advice and check out the products available at www.sextek.com and those made by other e-stim companies.

 

Any last-minute Xmas gift ideas, Dan?

 

Nothing Under Tree

 

Sure, NUT: Tinsel, my friend Hank Stuever’s brilliant and hilarious new book about America’s Christmas present; Every Man Dies Alone, a chilling 1947 novel by Hans Fallada about life under the Nazis (Fallada was a German novelist who barely survived the war and didn’t live to see his masterwork published); the bondage enthusiasts on your list will love the hemp rope for sale at www.twistedmonk.com; and the ET302R available at www.sextek.com makes the perfect stocking stuffer.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

 

12.17.09

 

I’ve been married four years and have a beautiful baby boy with my husband. I enjoy sex a lot, even a bit of BDSM. My husband, on the other hand, isn’t “driven by sex,” as he likes to put it, and will try tying me up if that’s what I “really want.” You’d think if he wasn’t driven by sex, the few times we did have sex, he would last for a while, but he lasts at best five minutes. On the occasional blue moon, it’ll be about 10 minutes. My problem is, all I can think about is getting fucked by some stranger with no strings attached so I can get rid of this heartbreak, for lack of a better word. But I always back out, because I don’t want to risk my family or my husband’s happiness. I don’t want to be a cheater, Dan, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life having missed out on my “sexual prime” because my husband already experienced his. I should mention that he’s 35 and I’m 23. I also have a few poly friends who are kinky, and they preach to me that being monogamous is a mistake and I can seek out kinky play with others without it being sexual. Please be as brutal as possible.

 

Permission 2 Explore Please

 

Before I get to your question, P2EP, a programming note: FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST! I’m suffering from some sort of carpal-tunnel/repetitive-motion/too-much-beating-off injury, and it feels like my right arm is on fire. Every letter I type sends a blast of white-hot pain up my arm and into my head and FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST! Since I’m in a great deal of pain here, I thought it only appropriate that I give the column over to letters about BDSM. That way, someone - my kinkiest readers - can enjoy my suffering.

 

Okay, P2EP, you have my permission. Not to explore, as it’s not in my power to grant you permission to do that. You have my permission to go and demand permission to explore from your lazy, selfish, inconsiderate husband. Renegotiate your deal. You have needs, they’re not being met, and he doesn’t seem interested in meeting them. Tell him that you will remain sexually exclusive - only his cock gets near your holes (for now) - but you want and need and demand permission to at least explore erotic-but-not-fully-sexual kink with others. Sell it to him as something that relieves him of the burden of having to do this stuff - kink - with you and/or feeling bad about not doing this stuff with you.

 

I’m a straight man, age 26. I was just dumped by a married couple. The wife was very sadistic, and the husband did not enjoy pain. When we got together, she would hurt me (TT, CBT, flogging) before fucking him. The wife asked if I wanted to play alone sometime, and I said yes. When she asked her husband and told him that she had already checked with me and I was willing, he said that I had violated our agreement. It isn’t easy finding people into SM where we live - the Bible Belt of Canada - and playing alone was her idea, not mine. What do I do?

 

Dumped Up North

 

You move. The husband is blaming you because it’s less consequential than blaming the wife. But he’s clearly not comfortable - FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST! - having your black-and-blue ass around anymore, due to the wife’s actions, and so you’re out. Unfair, yes, but there’s not a lot you can do about it. Besides move.

 

I am a 22-year-old bisexual male who goes to a small, prestigious liberal-arts college in the Midwest. I’ve had boyfriends, girlfriends, and one-night stands, but I have never really felt like sex worked out as well as I imagine it could. I have a dominant personality, and people tend to follow me. Perhaps for this reason, I have fetishized submission. I imagine I would be into bondage and domination. I think I am a bit more attracted to women and would love to find a woman who takes a strong, dominant role in our relationship. I feel like I am always expected to make the first move with women, which has led me to prefer hooking up with men. I just wonder if there is anything I could do to find a woman who’d be into dominating me.

 

I don’t really like making the first move, but I’ve found just waiting and looking pretty doesn’t work too well with women. Are there some ladies I could approach, and after the initial flirting, the dynamic would change and they would take the lead? How would I know who these people are?

 

Not Sure What I Want

 

There may be one or two young women kicking around your small, prestigious liberal-arts college who fantasize about taking the lead, about tying up and dominating their boyfriends, NSWIW, but they’re not going to be tottering around campus in high-heeled boots and latex and leather. And even dominant women who are out tend to observe/succumb to the same cultural norms/practices that you find frustrating, i.e., they expect the male to make the first move, even in kinky environments.

 

But back to the young women you’re likely to encounter at your prestigious college: A lot of women with naturally dominant and/or sadistic streaks - women who will one day really enjoy BDSM - don’t realize it until that first submissive boyfriend draws it out of them. So if you want to get tied up, pegged, and bossed around while you’re at college, NSWIW, you need to be paradoxically assertive about your submissive tendencies. You may have to ask four or five girls, or a dozen, before you hit the jackpot (before you ask a dominant girl), but you will have to take the lead.

 

I am a 24-year-old lesbian who has been out for five years. I am also hot, vain, in shape, and kinky as all hell. I suppose I’m what you’d call a “lipstick lesbian.” In any event, I like being thrown around, tied up, gagged, etc. One of my all-time favorite fantasies is the lesbian equivalent of pegging, i.e., being done up the ass by a hot woman with a strap-on. I like the vanilla stuff as well - holding, kissing, cuddling, dyking it up - but what I’m really into is bondage. And my last girlfriend dumped me when I mentioned that I liked to be tied up. My question is, are there other young, kinky, sexaholic feminine lesbians/bisexual women out there? Am I a complete freak? Or am I just being a sexually selfish boor? Should I just try to let go of my kinks?

 

Domination Yearnings Keep Encounters Stimulating

 

P.S. Thank you so much for all the times you’ve emphasized that straight men who are into pegging are just that - straight. It helped me to accept that my own pegging fantasies don’t make me any less a lesbian, because so much of their appeal comes from the fact that it would be a woman doing the pegging.

 

Only a small percentage of women are lesbians, DYKES, and an even smaller number of that already-small number are kinky. Your best strategy is to be out about your kinks from the start, so that you don’t waste any more of your time and vanity-inducing hotness on women who won’t tie your ass up.

And finally: FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST!

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

12.10.09

 

I am a 23-year-old male who has been in a relationship with a great woman for four years now. She is an amazing person, and we oftentimes talk about marriage. The issue is this: I have a foot fetish and she is fully aware of it. She doesn’t like the idea of me kissing her feet or indulging my fetish in any way. We have sex quite often, and I’ve always let it slide that she doesn’t want any part of my fetish. I don’t know what to do, because I’m at a stage in my sexual growth where I need to experience my fetish. I’m getting mixed advice from different people and I just want a straight answer. The sex we have is amazing, but I would enjoy it so much more if I could act on my desires once in a while.

 

Sexually Frustrated Fetishist

 

Here’s a straight answer: Your amazing girlfriend is an amazingly selfish lover, and I’m amazed that you’ve put up with her bullshit for as long as you have. A foot fetish is not uncommon or outrageous; as fetishes go, SFF, yours is the least taxing for a nonkinky partner. It’s not like you’re into shit or choking or Christian side hugs. Any amazing woman who truly loved you would regard indulging you as a no-brainer.

 

Share time: I have a good friend who’s not kinky at all - unless you count being gay - and he’s a runner who goes for long runs every Saturday morning. When he gets home, he handcuffs his boyfriend to a chair in his kitchen, duct-tapes one of his sweaty sneakers over the boyfriend’s face, and leaves him there while he has breakfast. My friend - who came to me for advice when his boyfriend confessed his fetish - isn’t really into guys with sneakers duct-taped to their faces. But it gets his lover off, and isn’t that what lovers are for?

 

Your lover has had things - she’s had you - on her terms for four years, SFF, which means you’re going to have to play the breakup card. It’s the only leverage you have. Tell her that if she can indulge your fetish - happily and regularly - and take some pleasure in giving you pleasure, she might be “the one.” If she can’t or won’t, she obviously isn’t. (Not that “the one” is anything other than a destructive myth, but for the sake of winning this argument, go ahead and use it.)

 

Finally, SFF, don’t let the girlfriend - or anyone else - tell you that you’re threatening to end this relationship over something trivial. Sexual fulfillment is important, particularly if your relationship is exclusive. And the “triviality” of your kink cuts both ways: If your kink is so trivial, why not just indulge you then? And in a long-term relationship - or a marriage - one partner’s sexual selfishness and another’s sexual frustration rarely prove trivial over the long haul. They’re more often grounds for divorce.

 

I am a 35-year-old partnered gay man, but I’ve been having an online conversation with a married bisexual man that has become an ongoing game of sexual dares. It’s a safe form of sexual adventurism for both of us. None of our dares has involved sexual contact with another person, but some of our dares have begun to involve other people at the edges. For example, we’ve posted ads to Craigslist as submissives and responded to some of the replies from dominant men. None of these interactions with third parties will result in actual contact. It feels a little like we are exploiting the “flakes” aspect of Craigslist, i.e., it’s common to hear from someone a few times after making contact on Craigslist and then never hear from them again. But it also feels a little like we are using these folks. Is this expansion of our game to involve other people ethical?

 

Concerned About Harming Craigslist Fellas

 

P.S. By the way, this letter is itself part of a dare. If you publish it and include a dare in the published reply, I will have to fulfill that dare.

 

The expansion of your game to Craigslist will annoy those guys on CL who are looking for actual contact, CAHCF, but as those guys amount to something less than 0.02 percent of the men trawling Craigslist at any given moment, I wouldn’t worry about it. Everyone knows that CL is overrun with flakes and game players and picture collectors; the odds that the “dominant men” you’ve chatted with on CL are interested in actual contact are pretty damn slim. (Guys interested in real-time BDSM play are likelier to be lurking on Recon.com or in your local hardware store.) So post at will.

 

P.S. I dare you to go to www.tinyurl.com/ye3otsh and take the pledge.

 

I’m a straight guy in my late 20s. I have a girlfriend of several years whom I live with and I love very much. I just read your most recent column, in which you used the acronyms HND (honest nonmonogamous dude) and CPOS (cheating piece of shit), and it struck a nerve. I have never been an HND; I have in the past been a CPOS (though not in this relationship). My girlfriend is lovely, supportive, and generally GGG, and though the sex is good, I have a significantly higher libido than she does and I would like to have a little more variety in my sex life. I want to be an HND, but I don’t know how to broach the subject with the girlfriend without ruining our relationship. We are very open about our sex life and our relationship in general, but I think this is probably a “next level” topic that may not go over very well. How do I bring this up without screwing up our relationship beyond repair?

 

Aspiring Honest Nonmonogamous Dude

 

Based on what you’ve learned about yourself in past relationships, AHND, i.e., that you’re a CPOS waiting to happen, I would encourage you to err on the side of screwing up your current relationship with an honest conversation about your mismatched libidos and your natural and normal desire for a little variety. Lies, damn lies, and statistics all demonstrate that, in time, one or the other or both of you will cheat. Better to toss that out there now, even at the risk of calmly winding down this relationship before you revert to form/CPOS, than to see the relationship explode after someone, most likely you, winds up cheating.

 

And while we’re on the subject of cheating…

 

I suppose I’m obligated to say a few words about Tiger Woods. First, let’s pretend that Elin Nordegren cheated on Tiger and that Tiger went after Elin with a golf club. Would Elin be viewed as the sole transgressor in the marriage then? Probably not. And second, daily papers and cable-news outfits reacted to Tiger’s “transgressions” by changing the names in the same “Why do powerful men cheat?” stories they’ve been pimping since Bill Clinton blew a load on a White House intern. For the millionth time: Men cheat for the same reasons women cheat, i.e., because they’re bored or horny or unfulfilled or desperate to see someone else naked for a change. People cheat because monogamy isn’t natural and we are wired to cheat. That doesn’t make cheating right, of course; people should honor their commitments, and blah-de-nine-iron-blah. But we shouldn’t encourage people to make commitments we all know they’re unlikely to keep. The end.

 

AUCTION NOTICE: Want to answer a question or two in an upcoming column? I’m auctioning off a chance to give advice in this space to raise money for some worthy charities. Go to www.tinyurl.com/SLauction for details and to bid.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

 

12.03.09

 

I’m a longtime reader who thought I’d never have a reason to write since I’m universally known as the “good girl,” but I’m not sure who else I can turn to. I have a close male friend. Even though I knew he was dating someone else, we became friends-with-benefits several years ago. Because of his relationship (and the fact that he lives with her!), I let him take the lead in setting up our rendezvous. Sometimes when we’d be together, it felt like a booty call; other times, it felt like it was leading to something more. He once admitted that if things were different, he could see us together. He never really talks about his girlfriend with me, and a while ago I discovered that while he was unfaithful to her, he had also been unfaithful to me.

 

On to the point of this letter: He recently proposed to his girlfriend. I’m happy for him if it’s what he truly wants, but I feel like he did it out of desperation. All I know is that there were some ultimatums involved. Here is my dilemma: I don’t want to out myself, I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship, Dan, but I feel like she has to know what her fiancé is really like before they get married. I don’t see his cheating stopping just because they’ve exchanged a few vows. Should I anonymously contact her and let her know that her man is a cheating man-whore? Thanks!

 

One Of Many Other Women

 

Gee… it must have come as a real shock when you realized that a man who was capable of cheating on his live-in girlfriend was also capable of cheating on the girl with whom he was cheating on his live-in girlfriend. No one could’ve predicted, huh?

 

On to your question: I hate to think of some poor woman marrying a cheating piece of shit (CPOS) - a CPOS is not to be confused with an honest nonmonogamous dude (HND) - in ignorance of his cheating-piece-of-shit-ness. It’s possible that the CPOS’s fiancée already knows and has forgiven him; perhaps one of those ultimatums touched on cheating. But odds are better that this woman doesn’t know, and someone really ought to clue her in before the wedding. But should that person be you?

 

I’m not comfortable with your motives, OOMOW. You may be known throughout the universe as a “good girl” - as the good girl - but your actions prove that you’re something of a “bad girl.” And there’s more: Your desire to destroy your FWB’s relationship proves that you’re something of a “vindictive girl,” your attempt to pass your vindictiveness off as concern for a woman you’ve repeatedly wronged proves that you’re a “self-deluding girl,” and your desire to accomplish all of this without paying any price yourself - you don’t want to out yourself or risk ruining your “friendship” with the man-whore - proves that you’re a “selfish girl” and a “cowardly girl.”

 

Back to your motives: The reason you want to do this anonymously is because your top concern is having the CPOS all to yourself, and that means sticking a knife in his current relationship without leaving any fingerprints. So it’s a good thing - a useful thing - that you weren’t the only “other woman” in his life, OOMOW, because he’ll never know for sure which one of his other women ratted him out.

 

Setting your highly suspect motives aside…

 

If I were in the fiancée’s shoes, I would want to know what was going on before the wedding. So I do think you should tell her. But if you have any shred of decency - even the tiniest bit - you will tell her personally, apologize profusely, and provide her with some proof. An anonymous tip won’t cut it: A CPOS who has successfully hidden a collection of other women from his fiancée will be able to talk his way out of an anonymous accusation of infidelity. He’ll either claim the e-mail was sent by a vindictive ex-girlfriend of his, which has the benefit of being very nearly true, or he’ll claim that an ex-boyfriend of hers is trying to destroy her happiness.

 

Finally, OOMOW, why do you want to be with the CPOS? He cheated on his fiancée, he cheated on you, and he probably cheated on the women who he was cheating on the both of you with. He’s a piece of shit, his fiancée is a fool, and you’re a vindictive, self-deluding, selfish coward. I’m not sure if you can all do better, or that any of you deserve better, but I do think you should all try.

 

I’m a hetero girl in my 20s. I love masturbating and find myself really good at it, but a lot of the time I get nothing from hetero porn. Usually it’s because I can’t stand the girls’ annoying voices. So I rely on gay porn instead, even when I’m reading erotica. I tend to go for what you gay guys call “twinks.” (Who the hell is a twink, technically speaking? Please don’t tell me it’s anything statutory!) I’m not really concerned, I’m just curious: Is this a common problem? I now get really intrigued when I meet gay guys in real life because I get off to so many gay men in porn. I would love to watch two twinks in reality at some point, but I’m not sure if any gay guys would ever be into that.

 

Twink Lover

 

Twinks are boyish gay men - boyish men, not boyish boys - in their late teens to mid-20s with slim-to-slightly-muscular bodies and relatively hairless chins, chests, crotches, etc. So long as you’re getting your live-action porn from reputable porn sites and companies, TL, you don’t have anything to worry about on the statutory front.

 

As for watching a couple of twinks go at it, there are lots of bisexual twinks out there - perhaps you could date one and have the odd three-way with others? There are also, without a doubt, some twink gay couples out there as turned on by the idea of some straight girl watching them go at it as you are turned on by the idea of watching a couple of twinks go at it. And thanks to the World Wide Interfluffer, finding them - or renting them - is easier than ever. And speaking of twinks…

 

However much Playgirl paid Levi Johnston for that photo shoot, it wasn’t enough. Most people thought Playgirl - which ceased publishing in print a while ago - was dead and gone forever. Prior to this photo shoot with Johnston, who even knew that Playgirl had a website? Or that Playgirl had a publicist? A publicist who had this to say after the shoot: “We were talking in the greenroom about gay categories - bear, cubs - and Levi asked what his type would be. We decided a twink, but older, so we anointed him a ‘twunk.’”

 

I love the idea of a twunk - an older twink - but Levi Johnston is 19 years old. How old is a twink supposed to be if a 19-year-old is already an aged twunk? No, no: Johnston was never a twink. He is a high-school jock - the hockey variety, to the delight of gear fetishists everywhere - gone slightly to seed. But what’s more interesting than sorting Johnston into his exact gay etymological category is watching Johnston, once a major homophobe, become increasingly comfortable with teh gays. Celebrity - and that’s what he is now - means having to hang out and work with (and work for) a certain number of out homos. One of those homos no doubt explained to Johnston that not many women would be masturbating to his pictures on Playgirl’s website. It seems that homophobia is a luxury that Levi can’t afford anymore.

 

And, psst, Levi? If you did that Playgirl shoot only to drive your former future mother-in-law crazy - and if that was your plan, kiddo, it seemed to work - imagine how much crazier she’ll get if you do a little gay-for-pay porn. Just sayin’.

 

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.

 

11.26.09

 

I am a 29-year-old single straight man. Over the past year, I have become very close friends with a gay man close to my age. We have a blast hanging out, and I value our friendship. Four months ago, he told me that he had developed romantic feelings for me and said he needed a little space to save our friendship. For a couple of months, we saw each other only with mutual friends. Then we started hanging out again. It’s been great, and he seems very comfortable with me again. The thing is, I am now experiencing a sexual attraction to him. I have never been with a man and I am very attracted to women, but it doesn’t bother me that I suddenly feel this way.

 

I have been thinking about asking him if he wants to have a sexual experience with me. I think he would go for it. A long-term romantic relationship with him does not interest me, but I do love him as a friend and don’t want to risk losing that. Is it possible this could be just a one-time thing that brings us closer as friends, or is it more likely to ruin our friendship? He is the only guy I have ever been attracted to, and I want to have this experience.

 

Straight Except For One Guy

 

While you’re open to having a gay experience with your friend, SEFOG, he would probably prefer to have a gay relationship with someone. The fact that he can’t “have you” - i.e., you’re never gonna gay marry him - may make him reluctant to fuck your ass. Having sex with you could obviously reignite feelings he made an effort to squash to “save the friendship” - duh - and he may dread the feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that could swamp him when the inevitable happens and you wind up in a LTR with a woman.

 

All that said, SEFOG, I’m going to share a little secret with you about gay men: We’re men, real men, just like straight men. We’re good at having sex without getting emotionally attached - some of us are a little too good at it - and a single gay man, like a single straight man, rarely passes up a chance to get with someone he’s attracted to, even if he wants more than that person can give. About the only thing that gay men are better at than straight men - besides deep-throating - is maintaining friendships with exes, one-night stands, friends-with-benefits, fuck buddies, et al.

 

Lob your balls into your friend’s court, SEFOG, and see what he says. You were able to remain friends after he confessed his attraction to you, so I don’t see why you won’t be able to remain friends after you confess your attraction to him.

 

I’m a woman with an extremely gorgeous, brilliant, openly (mostly) gay friend who I’ve been having sex with infrequently but regularly over the last six months. I know why I’m doing it: I enjoy his company, he’s hot, the sex is incredible. But I’m not sure why he’s having sex with me, a straight girl. The most I could get out of him is that he thinks I have a “masculine sexuality.” I’d like to have a clearer understanding of where our friendship/sexual relationship stands. I am a person who likes to talk about everything, and he is not.

 

Confused Over Male Eroticism

 

I would hazard a guess that your (mostly) gay friend is doing this - doing you - for the same reasons you’re doing him: He enjoys your company, you’re hot, and the sex is great. As for where you stand, COME, well, that depends on what you want. Do you want hot sex with a hot guy every once in a while? Then you’re in good standing. Do you want a relationship? Then you’re deluding yourself. Very few gay-identified men are secretly closeted straight guys, COME. When a bisexual guy identifies as gay, it’s typically because he’s not romantically attracted to women. He can fuck women, but he doesn’t fall in love with women. Most bisexual guys are the opposite of your (mostly) gay friend, i.e., they can fuck men but they don’t fall in love with men, which is why most bi guys identify as (mostly) straight.

 

I wanted to satisfy my curiosity of getting a blowjob from a guy. I found one online willing to do the deed, and we met and he started. After about 15 seconds, I stopped him. It was not for me and did not feel right. Now, in reality, what are my chances of getting a disease? Low? Medium? High? He did not use a condom. I know you are going to say to get tested, which I probably will. But in your opinion, are my chances so great that I should run to the clinic? Would it matter the time length of the BJ? Say, if it were 10 to 15 minutes instead of seconds? Thanks for your time.

 

Sent From My iPhone

 

My apologies to Jerry Herman: It only takes a moment to contract a sexually transmitted infection you could have your whole life long, SFMi. If the guy who blew you - however brief the blowjob was - had syphilis or chlamydia or herpes or all three, you could’ve contracted any or all of them. You can’t contract an STI from a guy who doesn’t have any STIs, of course, but what do you think the chances are that a guy who blows strangers he meets online has an STI? Low? Medium? High?

 

Go get tested, SFMi.

 

I’m a 23-year-old lesbian who’s been in a relationship with a bisexual woman. She’s always had a fantasy about guy-girl-girl three-ways, so about five or so months ago, we decided to invite her best friend, “Roger,” into bed with us. We’ve both been pretty happy with the arrangement. At the start, I refused to have sex with him. But about two months ago, I decided I wanted to try it, never having had sex with a guy myself. I couldn’t get into it, so we stopped after two minutes. Since then, I’ve missed two periods and done four home pregnancy tests - all positive.

 

How the hell am I going to break the news to my girlfriend? We used condoms! I’d like to keep the baby and raise it with my girlfriend, but we have been living with each other for only a year. And how