02.18.10
My boyfriend and I have agreed to
abide by whatever decision you make. We’ve been together for nine months. We
are gay. We live in a college town. We both found jobs here after we graduated,
so we stayed. Since his sophomore year, my boyfriend has had an “arrangement”
with an older man, a professor at the university. Did I say older? I meant old. We are in our mid-20s; this man is in his late 60s. The old man comes
to my boyfriend’s apartment once a week and cleans it. Does his laundry. Washes
his dishes. He actually pays my boyfriend for the privilege. It’s not much,
$50, and the old perv says it’s for my boyfriend’s “time,” since a part of
their deal is that my boyfriend has to be in the apartment while the old perv
cleans it. He’s particularly pervy about how he cleans my boyfriend’s bathroom.
Dan, the old perv cleans my boyfriend’s toilet bowl with his own toothbrush, which he then
uses to brush his teeth the rest of the week!
There is no sex. (Presumably, the old
perv goes home and beats off after cleaning my boyfriend’s apartment.) None of
this would matter if my boyfriend and I weren’t talking about moving in
together. I want this “arrangement” to stop. I don’t feel comfortable using a
toilet that a man old enough to be my grandfather cleaned with his toothbrush.
This has been going on for six years - the old perv has been cleaning up after
my boyfriend since he was living in student housing. My boyfriend says he likes
the clean apartment more than he needs the money (and that’s true, now that
he’s no longer a starving student). But I say all good things must come to an
end, and if I’m moving in, we’ll have to clean up after ourselves or pay a real
cleaning lady to come around once a week, like regular people.
We agreed to leave it up to you. Dan:
The old perv stays? The old perv goes?
Toothbrushes Are For Teeth
The old perv stays.
By allowing this man to
clean his apartment, TAFT, your boyfriend is making an old perv very, very
happy, and that makes the world a more joyful place generally (and your
boyfriend’s apartment a tidier place particularly). Your boyfriend isn’t taking
advantage of the old perv - $50 is a much more reasonable fee than most sex
workers would charge for the same service (yes, your boyfriend is doing very
low-level sex work) - and while the toothbrush/toilet thing is a bit… creepy… and unsanitary…
I’m sure you’ll get used to it and/or be able to put it out of your mind.
(Although I’d be giving the toilet an additional wipe-down if anyone - young,
old, hot, not - were cleaning it for me with a ratty old toothbrush.)
Let’s recognize this
arrangement for what it really is: a successful long-term relationship. How
many relationships - gay or straight, monogamous or open, where toilets are
scrubbed weekly with toothbrushes or cleaned sporadically with toilet brushes -
last six years! Sorry, TAFT, but I’m constitutionally disinclined to dissolve a
successful six-year relationship in favor of a relationship that has yet to
reach the one-year mark.
And I think you knew, TAFT.
I think you knew I would side with the perv - was there ever any question? -
which leads me to believe that you’re secretly okay with this arrangement and
an extra $50 a week to put toward household expenses, money that you can invest
in cases of Clorox Wipes. You wanted a little plausible deniability, a way for
the arrangement to continue without having to give it your blessing, and needed
some cover. And now you have it, TAFT.
I’m in a friends-with-benefits
arrangement with a woman I get along with really well, and I am interested in a
real relationship. I know she’s open to it, but there’s one thing holding me
back: She’s overweight. And while it doesn’t matter to me, it restricts what’s
possible in bed. Do I talk to her about it? If so, how?
Some Dude
If this woman’s weight
didn’t interfere with a friends-with-benefits arrangement - a purely sexual
bargain - why would her weight and the limitations it places on what’s possible
in bed factor into your decision to take this relationship “to the next level,”
as the life coaches/douchefags like to say? Don’t make the mistake of assuming
the choice you face is one between some hypothetical skinny bitch with no
restrictions and this big woman who comes with some restrictions. Everyone has
their own limits, their own capabilities, their own tastes and preferences, SD,
and only a handful of us wind up in long-term relationships with partners
without any restrictions whatsoever.
As for how to talk to her
about her weight: Well, based on the furious and furiously defensive mail that
pours in whenever the subject of weight comes up, I’d suggest you discuss it
through a bulletproof glass partition. Or you could launch that real
relationship, move in with her, and, presuming you eat decently and get regular
exercise yourself, set an example of the kind of lifestyle choices that will
bring down her weight and up her game.
I am a straight male. I have a problem
ejaculating with a partner. I have failed to complete the act even when I
arranged a session with two well-known porn stars I REALLY wanted. This despite
sticking it nearly everywhere - no Greek - and in nearly every position. The
only way I can reliably come is when I hump my mattress naked with a towel
underneath me. What is my problem? I take Zoloft, which can have the effect of
delaying orgasm, but that doesn’t explain how I can get off so quickly with my
towel, which I do daily, but I couldn’t get it done in an entire hour with my
favorite big-butted porn star who let me do whatever I wanted.
Fucking A Towel
First, a stroll down memory
lane: Hearing anal sex referred to as “Greek” took me back to the days when I
was a 13-year-old closet case reading the personal ads in the back of a
purloined copy of the Advocate, wondering what the fuck fags meant when they described
themselves as “Greek active” or “Greek passive,” and why it was that Greek
actives invariably described themselves as “French passive.” It all seemed so
mysterious and continental. Now, everyone is either a top or a bottom and
romance is dead.
Moving on, FAT, it pains me
to inform you that you’ve ruined your dick with that towel-and-mattress
routine. You’ve trained your dick to respond to one kind of stimulation and one
kind of stimulation only, a particular kind of stimulation that has very little
in common with the sensations provided by big-butted porn stars. Your only hope
is to stop humping the bed. Get some lube; use your left hand; use your right
hand; invest in a Fleshlight; masturbate on your back, standing up, kneeling.
Vary your masturbatory routine and habits and - this is the hard part - don’t
resort to the towel and mattress if you have difficulty getting off. You spent
a lot of time programming your dick, and it’s going to take some time to
reprogram your dick, FAT. The only way to do that is to deny your dick -
forever and ever, amen - the towel-and-mattress routine. Once your dick
realizes that there’s no going back, it’ll adapt; it will begin to respond to
the new and closer-to-human sensations that you’re making available to it. Good
luck.
Find the Savage Lovecast
(my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
02.11.10
A few years before my wife and I met,
she made porn with her boyfriend at the time. He intended to start a
pay-per-view website but never launched it. I was a bit upset when she told me,
but then I remembered that I enjoy porn, and the idea of seeing the hottest
woman I’ve ever met - and am now married to - doing porn might be really
enjoyable, even though I wouldn’t want her sleeping with anyone else now.
I realize that to get these tapes I’d
have to contact the ex and that might be a bad idea. What do you think?
Torn Over Porn
Um… what does she think? The wife? Have you asked
her? Does she want you to see the porn she made with her ex? Does she want to
have any contact - even if you handle the negotiations - with her ex?
If she’s cool with it, and
thinks the ex will be cool with it, by all means ask for the tapes. But hold on
to my e-mail address, TOP, just in case her ex is bigger than you, appears to
be better in bed, clearly provided your girlfriend with more shattering
orgasms, etc., and you have a careful-what-you-wish-for/no-one-could’ve-predicted
meltdown and need someone to talk you off the ledge.
I see women prostitutes who are over
30 and independent. Twice in the last five years, the woman I was seeing turned
out to be a post-op transsexual. They were both nice people, and I wish them well.
But I prefer nature’s own vaginas. Some TSs disclose; some don’t. Some wind up
getting outed on bulletin boards and trashed. I am sure it limits their income.
What are the rules?
Prefers Really Original Sex
There are no rules in an
illegal and unregulated marketplace, PROS, although I’m not sure how “truth in
packaging” provisions could be enforced if prostitution were legal and
regulated. So caveat emptor, boys, and try to mix a little empathy in with your
emptoring. Many TS sex workers are engaged in what social workers call
“survival prostitution” - they’re marginalized, they don’t have familial or
societal support, and they’re selling sex to keep roofs over their heads - so
they’re not duping you for shits and giggles.
And there are worse things
than accidentally sticking your dick in a woman who was born into a man’s body,
PROS. Did you catch Charlize Theron’s Academy Award–winning performance
in Monster?
I have been in a nonmonogamous
marriage for several years. We’ve had a lot of fun. My only gripe is that she
is allowed to have solo adventures and I am not. When I protest, she says that
she would rather stop having solo experiences than allow me to as well. This is
little comfort, as I enjoy her having her own experiences. My wife is a lovely
woman, and I don’t want to risk any damage to my marriage or family life (we
have two wonderful kids). But it is clear to me now that I require a little
safe, NSA exploration on my own every once in a while. What’s a boy to do?
Equal Rights In Coitus
Hearing about the wife’s
solo adventures gives you a boner - that is what you meant by “I enjoy her
having her own experiences,” right? - while the prospect of your solo
adventures has the opposite effect on the wife, i.e., the thought doesn’t give
her a girl boner. So while you rightly perceive her solo adventuring as unfair,
ERIC, there’s something in those solo adventures for you, i.e., lots of boy
boners, while there’s nothing in your proposed solo adventures for her, i.e.,
no girl boners.
Now life isn’t fair, as I
hope your mama warned you, and in an open relationship, life’s unfairness can
manifest itself in one partner agreeing to less freedom of action in order to
accommodate the other’s insecurities, irrationalities, insanities, etc. If the
unfairness of it all is unacceptable to you, ERIC, accept your wife’s offer to
terminate her solo adventures. Hopefully she’ll miss them as much as you will,
and in short order she’ll agree to your having solo adventures in order to
start having her own again.
I’m a longtime fan of your column and
agree with you 99 percent of the time, and I’m usually annoyed when you run
counterarguments from angry readers. Alas, I think I’m one of those folks
today. Your advice to Horny Homo two weeks ago was kind of messed up. While I
agree that some careful wording is needed when suggesting a threesome for the
first time, a closeted bi guy pretending to go into a MMF situation solely for
his girlfriend’s pleasure is a recipe for disaster.
As a bisexual woman myself, I find it
pathetic that this guy can’t suck it up and tell his girlfriend that he’s
interested in having sex with men. As you’ve said to other people in similar
situations, he’s better off telling his girlfriend the truth and seeing if
she’s into the idea of threesomes or polyamory or what have you. Maybe she’s
completely GGG for the whole thing - or maybe she’d rather not be used by two
liars looking to scratch an itch.
Flippant Answer Isn’t Legit
They can’t all be gems,
FAIL, and that response sucked balls. Consider it withdrawn. And for the
record: Yes to honesty, yes to the dude telling his girlfriend he’s bi, and yes
to angry readers calling me on my fails, FAIL. My response was intended to be
tongue-in-cheek, but it was head-in-ass. My apologies.
So the Oscar nominations just came
out. The same question plagues me every year - both at nomination time and when
the awards roll around. How many people do you think have been fucked with an
Oscar? I mean, it’s shaped just right and so associated with power, fantasy,
etc. that it’s just gotta happen, and I’m betting pretty often. Have you heard
any news along these lines? Do you think I’m off base?
Hoping Every Lovely Little Oscar
Gets Oiled Really Good Evoking Orgasms Up Starbutts
First, a programming note:
When Savage Love readers noticed that I was turning sign-offs into acronyms to
save space, they began crafting sign-offs that resulted in amusing and/or
revealing acronyms, e.g., PROS, ERIC, FAIL. But long sign-offs, even if they
make for terrific acronyms, don’t save space. So limit your creative sign-off
to no more than five or six words, dear readers, if you want to see it in
print. (I’m making an exception for HELLOGORGEOUS for reasons that will be
immediately apparent to anyone who’s ever had a cock in his pants and his mouth
simultaneously.)
Okay, HELLOGORGEOUS, your
letter arrived on the day I had the distinct pleasure/honor of hanging out with
a couple of people who just so happen to have four - four! - Oscars on a shelf in their offices. Spooky! They laughed
when I showed them your letter. Not because they had fucked themselves with
their Oscars, HELLOGORGEOUS, but because the first thing they observed about
their Oscars was that they were, indeed, “shaped just right.” (I thought the
shoulders were a bit wide, personally, but the base was flared, which is what
you want with an insertion toy.)
I didn’t press them on
whether they had confirmed their suspicions - we’d only just met - but rest
assured, HELLOGORGEOUS, if it can be
stuffed in someone’s ass and/or twat, however inadvisable said stuffing might
be, someone somewhere has shoved the thing - Coke bottle, Oscar statuette,
Scott Brown action figure - into an ass and/or twat.
Find the Savage Lovecast
(my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
02.04.10
A few years before my wife and I met,
she made porn with her boyfriend at the time. He intended to start a
pay-per-view website but never launched it. I was a bit upset when she told me,
but then I remembered that I enjoy porn, and the idea of seeing the hottest
woman I’ve ever met - and am now married to - doing porn might be really
enjoyable, even though I wouldn’t want her sleeping with anyone else now.
I realize that to get these tapes I’d
have to contact the ex and that might be a bad idea. What do you think?
Torn Over Porn
Um… what does she think? The wife? Have you asked
her? Does she want you to see the porn she made with her ex? Does she want to
have any contact - even if you handle the negotiations - with her ex?
If she’s cool with it, and
thinks the ex will be cool with it, by all means ask for the tapes. But hold on
to my e-mail address, TOP, just in case her ex is bigger than you, appears to
be better in bed, clearly provided your girlfriend with more shattering
orgasms, etc., and you have a
careful-what-you-wish-for/no-one-could’ve-predicted meltdown and need someone
to talk you off the ledge.
I see women prostitutes who are over
30 and independent. Twice in the last five years, the woman I was seeing turned
out to be a post-op transsexual. They were both nice people, and I wish them
well. But I prefer nature’s own vaginas. Some TSs disclose; some don’t. Some
wind up getting outed on bulletin boards and trashed. I am sure it limits their
income. What are the rules?
Prefers Really Original Sex
There are no rules in an
illegal and unregulated marketplace, PROS, although I’m not sure how “truth in
packaging” provisions could be enforced if prostitution were legal and
regulated. So caveat emptor, boys, and try to mix a little empathy in with your
emptoring. Many TS sex workers are engaged in what social workers call
“survival prostitution” - they’re marginalized, they don’t have familial or
societal support, and they’re selling sex to keep roofs over their heads - so
they’re not duping you for shits and giggles.
And there are worse things
than accidentally sticking your dick in a woman who was born into a man’s body,
PROS. Did you catch Charlize Theron’s Academy Award–winning performance
in Monster?
I have been in a nonmonogamous
marriage for several years. We’ve had a lot of fun. My only gripe is that she
is allowed to have solo adventures and I am not. When I protest, she says that
she would rather stop having solo experiences than allow me to as well. This is
little comfort, as I enjoy her having her own experiences. My wife is a lovely
woman, and I don’t want to risk any damage to my marriage or family life (we
have two wonderful kids). But it is clear to me now that I require a little
safe, NSA exploration on my own every once in a while. What’s a boy to do?
Equal Rights In Coitus
Hearing about the wife’s
solo adventures gives you a boner - that is what you meant by “I enjoy her
having her own experiences,” right? - while the prospect of your solo
adventures has the opposite effect on the wife, i.e., the thought doesn’t give
her a girl boner. So while you rightly perceive her solo adventuring as unfair,
ERIC, there’s something in those solo adventures for you, i.e., lots of boy
boners, while there’s nothing in your proposed solo adventures for her, i.e.,
no girl boners.
Now life isn’t fair, as I
hope your mama warned you, and in an open relationship, life’s unfairness can
manifest itself in one partner agreeing to less freedom of action in order to
accommodate the other’s insecurities, irrationalities, insanities, etc. If the
unfairness of it all is unacceptable to you, ERIC, accept your wife’s offer to
terminate her solo adventures. Hopefully she’ll miss them as much as you will,
and in short order she’ll agree to your having solo adventures in order to
start having her own again.
I’m a longtime fan of your column and
agree with you 99 percent of the time, and I’m usually annoyed when you run
counterarguments from angry readers. Alas, I think I’m one of those folks
today. Your advice to Horny Homo two weeks ago was kind of messed up. While I
agree that some careful wording is needed when suggesting a threesome for the
first time, a closeted bi guy pretending to go into a MMF situation solely for
his girlfriend’s pleasure is a recipe for disaster.
As a bisexual woman myself, I find it
pathetic that this guy can’t suck it up and tell his girlfriend that he’s
interested in having sex with men. As you’ve said to other people in similar
situations, he’s better off telling his girlfriend the truth and seeing if
she’s into the idea of threesomes or polyamory or what have you. Maybe she’s
completely GGG for the whole thing - or maybe she’d rather not be used by two
liars looking to scratch an itch.
Flippant Answer Isn’t Legit
They can’t all be gems,
FAIL, and that response sucked balls. Consider it withdrawn. And for the
record: Yes to honesty, yes to the dude telling his girlfriend he’s bi, and yes
to angry readers calling me on my fails, FAIL. My response was intended to be
tongue-in-cheek, but it was head-in-ass. My apologies.
So the Oscar nominations just came
out. The same question plagues me every year - both at nomination time and when
the awards roll around. How many people do you think have been fucked with an
Oscar? I mean, it’s shaped just right and so associated with power, fantasy,
etc. that it’s just gotta happen, and I’m betting pretty often. Have you heard
any news along these lines? Do you think I’m off base?
Hoping Every Lovely Little Oscar
Gets Oiled Really Good Evoking Orgasms Up Starbutts
First, a programming note:
When Savage Love readers noticed that I was turning sign-offs into acronyms to
save space, they began crafting sign-offs that resulted in amusing and/or
revealing acronyms, e.g., PROS, ERIC, FAIL. But long sign-offs, even if they
make for terrific acronyms, don’t save space. So limit your creative sign-off
to no more than five or six words, dear readers, if you want to see it in
print. (I’m making an exception for HELLOGORGEOUS for reasons that will be
immediately apparent to anyone who’s ever had a cock in his pants and his mouth
simultaneously.)
Okay, HELLOGORGEOUS, your
letter arrived on the day I had the distinct pleasure/honor of hanging out with
a couple of people who just so happen to have four - four! - Oscars on a shelf in their offices. Spooky! They laughed when I showed them
your letter. Not because they had fucked themselves with their Oscars,
HELLOGORGEOUS, but because the first thing they observed about their Oscars was
that they were, indeed, “shaped just right.” (I thought the shoulders were a
bit wide, personally, but the base was flared, which is what you want with an
insertion toy.)
I didn’t press them on
whether they had confirmed their suspicions - we’d only just met - but rest
assured, HELLOGORGEOUS, if it can be stuffed in
someone’s ass and/or twat, however inadvisable said stuffing might be, someone
somewhere has shoved the thing - Coke bottle, Oscar statuette, Scott Brown
action figure - into an ass and/or twat.
Find the Savage Lovecast
(my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
01.28.10
I’m a single (mostly) gay guy who is
curious about women. A hot bisexual mate is interested in a
friends-with-benefits arrangement. I’m not looking for an LTR just now, so
regular, no-strings sex sounds great. However, his girlfriend doesn’t know he’s
bisexual, and I’d feel uncomfortable having sex with him behind her back. I’ve
said no to guys in the past, bi and gay, because they wanted to go behind their
partners’ backs. My mate would like his girlfriend to know about him because
he’d really like to have threesomes with her (something I’m up for), but he’s
worried about how she’ll react.
Personally, I’d be more concerned
about how she might react if she found out about his sexuality some other way.
That’s one reason why I always err on the side of honesty. However, I’m not
exactly unbiased: I’d prefer threesomes to dicks-only sessions. What should I
do?
Horny Homo
How about a little honesty
mixed with a little dishonesty?
Your mate should offer his
girlfriend the boy-girl-boy threesome that all of today’s modern young women
fantasize about. (Blame Twilight -
why can’t Bella have it all?) If your mate is worried that she’ll react
negatively to the suggestion, he can open by telling her that what he’s about
to propose was all your idea. She’ll want to know if his gay-but-bi-curious
mate - that’s you - is going to want to get into his presumed-to-be-straight
pants. Your mate should shrug and say, “Maybe…” and depending on the look on
her face when the possibility of Edward-on-Jacob action is raised - disgusted
or intrigued? - end with either “…but I don’t think I’m interested in going
there” (leaving open the possibility of “getting carried away” and “going
there” during the threesome) or “…and I might go there if that would turn you
on” (making any boy-on-boy action at the threesome something he did for her).
If the threesome is a
success and you two wind up playing with and in front of her, HH, your mate can come to the sudden and shocking realization
that he’s bisexual. This will hopefully lead to future threesomes and, perhaps,
at some point, her blessing for some boys-only time. If she objects, HH, your
mate can blame her for “making” him bisexual - or making him realize it -
because he fell on your sword that first time because it was what she wanted.
I’m a woman whose “super-hetero” boyfriend
is quite shy and needs to build trust before he can open up to someone. Since I
have gained his trust, he has revealed that he fantasizes about m-m-f
threesomes. I’ve asked him if he is turned on by the idea of another man’s
penis, and he says no, he just wants to see me have sex with another man. Yet
when he describes his dirtiest fantasies to me at the peak of arousal, he says
he gets off on the idea of double penetration - one penis in my anus, another
in my vagina - and wants to feel the other man’s penis bump up against his own,
separated by my innards.
Do you think he is bisexual or
bi-curious? We intend to enact this fantasy, and I wonder if it could shift the
dynamic of our relationship.
Threesome Curious
It can be hard to predict
whether a man will have an epiphany during an m-m-f threesome and come to the
sudden and shocking realization that he’s bisexual. (Um… does your boyfriend
refer to his male friends as “mate,” by any chance? Is he a fan of the Twilight series?) He’s obviously
more aroused by male-male contact than he’s capable of admitting when he isn’t
about to blow a load, TC. This fantasy of his isn’t about, or isn’t just about,
wanting to gangbang a girl with a buddy. Your boyfriend wants to bump penises
with another dude - but with your, um, lady “innards” providing the “no homo”
absolution.
But I don’t think you need
to extract a full confession of bi-curiousness or even heteroflexibility before
you realize this fantasy. He may not be in denial about what his desires add up
to, TC. He just may want to check his fantasies about male-male contact against
the reality of male-male contact before he tells you what he suspects: He’s the
tiniest bit bisexual.
I have an uncle who calls me “faggot”
whenever he and I are alone in the same room. He’s a conservative, straight
Mormon. I’m a boy who’s had sexual encounters with guys and girls, and I’m
trying to figure out my own sexuality while dealing with all of the other stuff
that comes with going off to college, and frankly I don’t need his crap. Do I
tell my parents? I’m kind of bi right now, so he’s half right, but what
business is it of his?
Uncertain Nephew Craving Levelheaded
Explanation
Your uncle is hitting on
you, UNCLE, in his fashion - that is, the fashion of the tormented,
self-hating, conservative/religious closet case. If you don’t wanna find
yourself standing there with your uncle’s tongue stuffed in your mouth someday
- you’d be surprised how quickly someone can stuff his tongue in your mouth - I
would advise you not to spend another moment alone with your asshole uncle.
And, yes, tell your parents what he’s been doing. Because, UNCLE, if he ever makes a pass at you and a scene ensues - you scream,
you yell, you bite his tongue off and spit it out the window - your uncle is
going to insist that you made the pass at him.
I’m a 31-year-old gay man. My
boyfriend and I have been together for five years. We have enjoyed a few
threesomes with other men, so I assumed I could share a particular fantasy of
mine: I’ve never had sex with a woman and I want to.
I am not questioning my sexuality, I’m
not “bi,” I have zero desire to date women. But my boyfriend immediately
accused me of having issues with my sexuality, and after a two-week fight I
dropped it. Fast-forward to just before Christmas: I received a promotion,
moved to a new floor, and have my own office now - and one of my new female
coworkers has been coming on to me. First problem: She’s married, so that would
be crossing a line. Second, we’re coworkers and she has even more to lose than
I do.
Is there some other way - I already
tried the direct approach - to bring this fantasy up to my boyfriend again, or
should I just let it go?
Flirting With Danger
I’m shocked that your
boyfriend - a man who’s willing to share his boyfriend’s ass with other men -
would react so violently to your curiosity about lady innards. But seeing as
the direct approach prompted a two-week-long fight, FWD, I can’t imagine you
would have much more success with the indirect approach. (I can’t imagine what
the indirect approach would be.)
Since you’re not strictly
monogamous and the boyfriend’s not strictly rational about this, FWD, a case
could be made for satisfying your lady-innards curiosity on the sly and filing
the affair under “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” But I can’t think of a
worse set of lady innards to satisfy your curiosity with than this woman’s. You
could wind up losing your job and your boyfriend if the affair got ugly and got
out.
Wait, FWD, wait. In time,
some other gay-outards-curious lady will come along, and perhaps by then your
boyfriend will have come around.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at
thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
01.21.10
I have a problem. A key part of my
problem, I feel, is that I’m a recovering anorexic and I am still struggling a
great deal to eat normal and healthy portions of food. A friend and I have
recently become “friends with benefits.” He lives very far away, so we primarily
indulge through IMs. He knows I have issues with food, though he doesn’t know
to what extent. Normally, I try to be GGG, even trying out a bit of vore in our
role-playing and making it a regular thing since he really enjoys it. Recently,
though, he brought up adding pregnancy play to our games, and I’m terrified of
trying it. Just the thought of it is a bit triggering to me, and I’m so scared
that actually trying it will be even more triggering, not to mention my fear
that, once we finally get together again physically, he will want to indulge in
pregnancy play with me wearing one of those fake-stomach things.
Am I overreacting and should I just go
through with it, try it at least once? How do I explain to him that I’m scared
that something he finds exciting could send me right back into the starving
hell I was dealing with just a month ago?
Fearing Erotic Deeds
“Where to start?” asks
Brian, a straight, married Catholic guy who won the right to give advice in
this space at a charity auction. (Yes, yes: Writing an advice column is a
sacred trust - blah blah what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-Savage blah - and
letting some auction winner rummage through my e-mail is a brutal violation of
that trust, etc., etc., and I’m a bad, bad man, etc., etc.)
“That you are having
trouble eating anywhere close to normal shows that you have not fully recovered
from your anorexia,” Brian continues. “And that you’re worrying about pregnancy
play and its effects on your psyche tells me that you are not even in the recovering
phase yet. Pregnant does not equal fat. I’m not even sure that fake pregnant equals fake fat, but that is beside the
point. While pregnant women can become fat, and fat women can become pregnant,
the two have very little to do with each other.”
Let me break in here for a
second: Vore play, FED? Really? Is that wise? Vore, for the
uninitiated, is short for vorarephilia, which involves fantasies about being
eaten or eating. It’s hard to imagine a more potentially damaging fantasy
role-play scenario for a recovering anorexic than vore, for crying out loud,
particularly when that anorexic has only been “recovering” for a month.
“If strapping a plastic
baby bump under your T-shirt is going to send you back to Starvingtown, USA,”
Brian advises, “then you need to address these issues with professional
counseling. GGG or not, you are no good to your current FWB, any future ones,
or to yourself if you don’t get past this.”
Dan again: Frankly, FED,
I’d advise you to give sex a rest for the moment. You don’t have to be 100
percent recovered before you become sexually active again, of course, but I’m
concerned about your judgment and that your FWB - who knows that you have
“issues with food” - would pursue these particular fantasy scenarios.
My boyfriend and I have been together
for two and a half years. We have a really great relationship and we talk out
any issues that arise, but right now we have a problem that can’t really be
talked out. He has a really close female friend whom he supposedly has no
romantic feelings for whatsoever. I get along pretty well with her. But
recently, he has started to get our names mixed up. The first time he did it to
me, we were on the phone. He said, “I love you, [insert her name].” It was
upsetting, but I brushed it off as a one-time brain fart. But since then, he’s
done it a half a dozen more times. We’ve talked about it, and he says he has no
idea why he does it and that it doesn’t mean anything, but it still hurts me so
much when it happens. Is it possible that it really means nothing? How can I
just ignore it?
Hurt And Confused
“What’s the most you ever
lost on a coin toss?” asks Brian. “You are about to find out. Heads you cut him
loose and move on; tails you pass off his name switching as a brain fart and
don’t give it another thought.”
Brian isn’t serious about
the coin toss. I think. He just wants to draw attention to your predicament and
the choice you face. At least I think that’s what he means. Okay, back to Brian:
“Either you believe they
are just friends or you don’t. My suspicion is that you feel threatened by this
girl. The tone of your letter also implies that if you did pressure him, you
believe he would choose her over you. But maybe not - I really have no way of
knowing.”
And that’s what separates
the advice professionals from the auction-winning amateurs. Now, Brian’s a
lovely guy and he’s doing a great job - and he made a sizable donation to a
worthy charity - but advice professionals never let not knowing stop us from making
definitive pronouncements: Your boyfriend may have feelings for this other
woman, HAC, and feelings for you that are just as strong or stronger. Whether
or not you should DTMFA depends entirely on how strong your feelings are for him.
Okay, now back to Brian. It
turns out that he is serious about a coin
toss: “Go to the nearest vending machine,” Brian says, “and buy a can of Coke
for 75 cents. Use the quarter you get back for that coin toss. If you find out
later that your decision was wrong, then so be it. But to live in a state of
paranoia about a name slip seems silly.”
In your advice last week to Lonely One
Seeks Ties you said, “Munches are informal gatherings hosted by and for
straight folks into BDSM…” I’ve attended various munches on a regular basis,
and I’d have to say that over half of the regular attendees at each of them are
not straight. The folks at the monthly munch I attend include my Husband/Owner
(pansexual trans man), a gay male couple, a straight male/bisexual female
couple, a lesbian possibly accompanied by one of her female
partners/submissives, a hetero couple (at least as they present straight), a
single bisexual man, a crossdressing male, and a straight man with two bisexual
female submissives. Munches are for everyone!
Bad Dan’s Silly Munchconception
Sorry about that, BDSM.
I’ve actually never been to
a munch, and the people I know who go are straight or, um, “straight
presenting.” The fags I know into BDSM - hey guys! - have a much easier time
finding partners than my straight kinky pals, which perhaps makes munches less
necessary for gays, if no less welcoming of gays. Straights tend to be more
invested in “normal” - and quicker to freak out about kinks - than
proud-to-be-abnormal homos.
But I stand corrected: Munches are
for everyone. I should’ve checked with a regular munch-goer, and
someone really ought to punish me for screwing this up.
Any takers?
HEY, READERS: Why not be
like Brian and make a donation to a worthy charity? The people of Haiti could
really use your help. I made a donation at www.redcross.org. You should, too.
And fuck Pat Robertson and his vile, hateful, santorum-spewing mouth.
Find the Savage Lovecast
(my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
01.14.10
I am a 34-year-old straight, single
female. I have a fantasy I can’t find much about online, so I figured I’d ask
you for advice.
My fantasy is to be blindfolded, bent
over a table/couch/whatever, and fucked by whoever happens to walk by. I
realize this would have to take place in a safe environment, but most sex clubs
or parties tend to be for swingers, specifically couples. There’s a sex club
nearby that looks like it might cater to my fantasy, but can I just walk in off
the street and bend over? Do I need to go a few times first and talk to people?
That kind of kills the fantasy of it, really. Any advice would be greatly
appreciated.
Take A Number
You could probably walk
into a sex club and bend over - lord knows some gay men do just that - but it
would be a bad idea.
But you can realize your
fantasy, TAN, and here’s how: Most swingers clubs permit couples and single
women to attend parties (sorry, single guys). Go to a few parties, keep your
pants on, introduce yourself around, find a couple or two whom you click with.
Share your fantasy with your new friends and ask if they might be interested in
helping you realize it.
And your fantasy is totally
realizable - I’ve seen very similar ones realized once or twice - but the only
way to realize your fantasy safely is with a couple of trusted friends hovering
nearby. You need someone there who’s making sure that men who take advantage of
you in your bent-over-and-blindfolded state have condoms on and don’t attempt
to do anything other than what you’ve consented to.
Sometimes realizing a
fantasy requires a little suspension of disbelief, TAN, so you’ll just have to
pretend your guardian angels aren’t there watching out for you. And if part of
what makes the fantasy so hot is being a helpless sex object in a room full of
strangers, you can always go with your friends to a different sex club, one
where you don’t know anyone but that your new friends checked out for you in
advance.
I’m a single, straight guy who just
turned 30. Never had a serious relationship, had sex twice. Not for a lack of
opportunity, but I wasn’t ready for it emotionally until I was about 25. I’m a
good-looking guy with a good job. I’m funny, independent, and easygoing. But I
feel like there is a wall preventing me from having a relationship. Part of it
is that I like having my own space. I like solitude, but I feel like I could
let someone in my life and make time for her and go from there. And another
part of it is I cannot for the life of me flirt with a girl I find attractive.
I can turn a girl I’m not attracted to beet red if I have to, but I get
tongue-tied around girls I think are hot.
Now that I feel mature enough to have
someone in my life, what can I do to break down this wall I’ve put up to
protect myself?
Lonely One Seeks Ties
P.S. I should probably add that I’m a
submissive. Not that I’m looking to be emotionally dominated or anything, but
being tied up in a corner and only speaking when Mistress tells me it’s okay
sounds pretty awesome.
I’m glad you included that
postscript, LOST.
Google the term “munch,”
along with “BDSM” and the name of the city where you live (or the nearest big
city if you live in buttfucknowhere). Munches are informal gatherings hosted by
and for straight folks into BDSM; most are hosted by reputable BDSM or sex
clubs - Orlando Power Exchange, Los Angeles’s Threshold Society, Seattle’s
Center for Sex Positive Culture - and nothing happens at a munch. No sex, no play,
just conversation and lunch. You’ll meet other kinky straight folks who are
interested in what you’re interested in, and you’ll be forced to interact with
the women there - even the ones who typically leave you tongue-tied.
Serious question here: Does putting
toothpaste or Bengay or whatever else on one’s scrotum cause sterility or have
any other negative health effects?
Great Balls Of Fire
Um… nope. It would probably
be for the best if the guys who’ve posted YouTube videos of themselves putting
Bengay on their balls were all sterile, GBOF, but most will sadly reproduce.
I’m a pretty hairy dude. I like my
hairy chest. I like growing a beard in the winter. I like my hairy arms and
legs. The only place that I don’t like hair is my crotch. I shave my pubes
pretty regularly, but I have long, scraggly, gross hairs all over my balls,
which I could really do without. The thought of accidentally cutting myself
down there has been a pretty good deterrent from going at it with a razor, and
just the idea of putting some hair-removal product like Nair down there makes
me wince. I’ve poked around the internet and haven’t been able to find a real
satisfactory answer, so I thought I’d turn to my last resort: Is there a safe,
easy, relatively pain-free way to get rid of this unsightly hair?
Clever Nickname Up To You
Um… nope. Waxing is the way
to go, but it smarts.
Your advice for Seriously Troubled
Here, the MARRIED MAN whose WIFE made out with another man (who she CLAIMS was
gay) was the kind of knee-jerk anti-male bullshit and anti-male bias that
straight men have come to expect from therapists, advice columnists, and “sex
experts.” She gets drunk and flirts with other men and MAKES OUT WITH THEM, and
he’s the douchebag?
Fuck you and your misandry. Men
shouldn’t seek your advice because you’re clearly incapable of taking their
side. You may not like pussy yourself, you cocksucker, but you’ll take the
twat’s side every time. The world doesn’t need another asshole “advice
professional” who sides with the woman no matter what she does.
Men Against Dan
Excuse me? I’m the advice
columnist - I’m practically the only advice columnist - who doesn’t automatically leap to the woman’s
side in a dispute. I’m the guy who tells women that all men watch porn (so get
over it or get a dog), that oral comes standard (sucking cock and eating pussy), and that under certain circumstances a husband (or a wife) has a
right and a responsibility to cheat (just because you’re not interested in sex anymore
doesn’t mean he has to go without for the rest of his life). You won’t get that
from Prudie or Amy or Carolyn.
Sorry, MAD, and everyone
else who wrote in: I stand behind my advice to STH. His wife was apologetic and
recognized that her behavior would have to change because it was, at the very
least, deeply upsetting to her husband. She also confessed to kissing another
dude, a gay dude, two
years before they married, and he was having trouble forgiving her. If
the roles were reversed - husband kissed lesbian two years before the wedding
and wife couldn’t forgive and move on - you can bet your clenched butts that I
would’ve called the wife a douchebag.
For crying out loud, MAD,
I’ve told wives - and husbands - to forgive and forget infidelities. Did you really expect me to
tell STH to leave his wife over a kiss?
Find the Savage Lovecast
(my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
01.07.10
I am a queer lady in my 20s. My
boyfriend and I recently discovered that we are both into BDSM. We started with
some light bondage and spanking, added some role-play, and are moving toward
some heavier stuff. I’ve spent some time reading online BDSM erotica, and
here’s what’s stressing me out: I tend to gravitate toward stories that include
age play (underage girls with older men). I think pedophilia is wrong and
disgusting, yet I get off on the stories. I can’t stop feeling like I’m a huge
pervert. Also, what is a good way to introduce the idea of age play to my
boyfriend without sounding perverted? Is age play perverted?
Feeling Like A Pervert
You’re already doing BDSM,
FLAP, so it’s a little late to start concerning yourself with what is and isn’t perverted. I’m not saying that BDSM is perverted - it isn’t in my opinion - but
the kind of people who obsess about the supposed perversity of other people’s
sex lives regard BDSM as hella perverted, as the
kids were only too recently saying.
All you need to concern
yourself with, FLAP, is consent - obtaining consent before anything goes down,
maintaining a state of consent once things get going. So are you a consenting
adult, FLAP? Is your partner a consenting adult? Yes and yes? Then you’re free
to do whatever the hell you want in the sack - and that includes pretending
that one of you isn’t a consenting adult.
Adults can safely and
ethically explore through fantasy and role-play things that we wouldn’t
(because they’re wrong) or couldn’t (because they’re impossible) do in reality.
A nice girl who would never dream of ever actually owning a human being can
pretend to own a sex slave without having to forfeit her “nice girl” status; a
decent guy who would never commit the crime of rape can pretend to rape a
partner with rape fantasies without having to forfeit his “decent guy” status.
The same goes for age play, FLAP.
As for telling the
boyfriend about it without sounding perverted: Sorry, FLAP, can’t help you
there. It’s going to sound perverted - and sick and wrong - because the
scenario you want to explore is all kinds of sick and wrong. Just own it when
you tell him about it: “I know this is crazy and fucked up, but these stories
really turn me on.” You don’t want to fuck kids; you want to pretend to be the
kid your boyfriend fucks. He doesn’t want to fuck kids; he wants to fuck you
while you’re pretending to be a kid.
My roommate and best friend is a
good-looking, professional young man with a conservative sensibility and
traditional values. Recently, one of his married coworkers (an attractive,
bright, and sexy young lady in his appropriate age group) has been pursuing him
to have an affair. I’ve met her personally, and she’s a very cool girl. Confident,
socially graceful, and fun. She is currently in the process of legally
separating from her husband (her only sexual partner), who over the last year
or so has completely cut her off sexually.
My roommate is a good guy and wants no
part of a sexual relationship with her while she’s married. Even if she does
separate, he is worried about being a rebound and simply not wanting to deal
with the emotional baggage that comes with being her first sexual experience
outside of her current husband. I’ve told him to wait until she’s separated,
but then to go for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? He’s my best
friend, and I don’t want to see him hurt. I also know that she’s a cool person
who will be scooped up by some lucky guy if he doesn’t do the right things now.
Dude In Seattle
Let me see if I follow you:
If this woman were unmarried and unattached, DIS, your friend with the
“traditional values” wouldn’t have any problem fucking her? A point of order:
When did premarital sex become a “traditional value”?
Frankly, DIS, I don’t care
if your buddy fucks this woman or not. (I think he should; lots of rebounds
turn into wonderful and lasting relationships, lots of solid marriages had
squalid beginnings.) I’m just curious how we got to the point where anything
goes - premarital sex, oral and anal sodomy, multiple marriages (hey there,
Karl Rove!) - for heterosexuals and nothing is a violation of “traditional
values” so long as the fornicators are straight. How did we get to the point
where an unmarried straight man with shit on his dick and three different
women’s pubes in his mouth can claim to have a “conservative sensibility and
traditional values”?
How’d that happen?
As for your friend, DIS,
I’ve known a few guys who went on and on about how attracted they were to a
particular woman and how much they wanted to fuck her in all of her orifices
and eat her pussy until she came so hard she basically turned inside out but
just couldn’t bring themselves to have hot, premarital, heterosexual sex
because some technicality or other violated their traditional values. All of
those guys eventually came out of the closet. Just sayin’.
Could you wax philosophical for a
paragraph or two, Dan, about a column from a few weeks ago? I want to know what
makes Sexually Frustrated Fetishist’s preference to involve feet in sex morally
preferable to his partner’s preference not to do so? Why is her insistence on
her preference “selfish” while his insistence merely reflects his “sexual fulfillment”?
More generally, what’s the reason for your tendency to side with the person who
wants to do x, even to the point of encouraging infidelity, over the person who
doesn’t want to do x, when the more intuitive answer might be “Gee, maybe you
guys just aren’t sexually compatible?”
Skeptical Erotic Compromises
I don’t always side with
the kinksters, SEC. I’ve come down squarely on the side of the person who
doesn’t want to do “x” - I’ve backed women who didn’t want to cuckold their
husbands, and guys who didn’t want to have same-sex contact during a threesome
- on many occasions. But I do encourage people to be good, giving, and game
(GGG), which only requires us, as I’ve explained again and again, to consider our partner’s reasonable sexual
requests. I’ve never suggested that any and all sexual requests must be fulfilled.
I’ll wax now for a moment:
The odds that any one of us will wind up with a partner whose sexual interests
align perfectly with our own are essentially zero. Since no two people are a
perfect fit sexually, SEC, both partners must engage in a good-faith
give-and-take to craft a mutually satisfying sexual repertoire that doesn’t
leave either person feeling resentful or badly used. Does everyone get
everything they want? Nope. But each of us has a right to put our needs out
there and a concurrent responsibility to
meet our partner’s needs if at all possible. And each of us should have the
sense to pull the plug when the sexual disconnect is too great.
As to the particulars of
SFF’s case - what makes his request for foot action reasonable and his
girlfriend’s refusal to indulge him unreasonable - it comes down to just what
is being asked of the nonkinky partner. SFF is asking his girlfriend to kick
off her shoes every once in a while and allow him to treat her feet the way
another man might treat his girlfriend’s breasts. It’s not too much to ask,
SEC, and an unselfish lover wouldn’t regard it as too much to give.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at
thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
12.31.09
Set me straight. I married my wife several months ago after dating for
three years. Things are generally excellent, except for one problem: When my
wife gets drunk, she gets crazy flirtatious. She’ll dance close to people,
touch them, hold hands. A couple of times, I thought
it went too far and I told her she was making me uncomfortable. She claims it
is just harmless friendliness/flirtation and she would never let anything
happen.
Well, as it turns out, something did happen. After she was dancing,
hugging, and getting kissed on the cheek by a woman I think was a lesbian at a
recent party, it came out during the subsequent argument that in year two of
our relationship, she was high and dancing at a club with several gay men and she
French-kissed one of the friends. While she acknowledges that a line was
crossed (which is why she didn’t tell me when it happened), she says it was
just a very intense but regrettable “friendship moment” and nothing more. She
says this gay man is not bi.
I’m grappling with three issues: (1) Did she
cheat? Although we’ve never talked about the rules concerning kissing gay
friends, we both know she crossed a line (there was tongue). (2) How much did
she betray me by not telling me until after we were married? (3) Am I being a
selfish prude by caring about either her aggressive flirting or this kiss? She
is very contrite and swears she will calm down the flirtation. Should I forgive
her and move on? Or should I run the hell away before it’s too late?
Seriously Troubled Here
1. No.
2. Your
wife’s failure to disclose a single drugged-up, blissed-out,
pre-exchange-of-vows kiss shared with a gay dude on a dance floor - even with
tongue - does not constitute a “betrayal.” It constitutes an omission.
3. Yes, STH,
you are being a selfish prude, and
yes, you should forgive her.
The
aggressive flirting could be a problem - if your wife is flirting at all
aggressively. I’m wary of accepting your characterization of her behavior at
face value, STH, as your overreaction to the kiss leads me to believe that you
might not be rational about your wife’s behavior generally. Where you see
getting too near, dancing too close, and being too friendly, a slightly less
paranoid/controlling spouse might see innocent flirtatiousness. But if she
agrees that her flirting is indeed a problem - if for no other reason than it
bothers her husband - and she’s willing to tamp it down for your sake, you
should “forgive her and move on,” by which I mean “YOU SHOULD CEASE BEING SUCH
A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG about (1) the kiss and (2) the flirting and (3) the fucking
kiss already.”
That
said, STH, I wouldn’t want to be married to a man who claimed to love me but
couldn’t forgive me for something so trifling as a meaningless kiss. So I’m not
sure I’m doing your wife any favors by talking you off the ledge. Honestly,
STH, someone who is hesitant to forgive is hardly husband material. A
successful marriage is basically an endless cycle of wrongs committed,
apologies offered, and forgiveness granted, STH, all leavened by the occasional
orgasm. If you’re having such a hard time forgiving her for this piddling
“betrayal,” STH, you’re not cut out for marriage and your wife may want to run
away before it’s too late.
My husband and I have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when we’re
apart. A few months ago, I hooked up with a guy on a business trip who said he
and his wife have the same arrangement. He was lying. His wife found out and
started harassing me on Facebook. I truly feel horrible. How can I know if
someone is really in an open relationship when they say they are? I am so done.
Fucking Asshole Idiot Losers
The only
way to verify that someone is in an open relationship is to speak to that
person’s partner - and that would constitute “telling,” FAIL, and a violation
of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. But even a couple with a “please ask, do
tell” policy probably has a rule against 2:00 a.m. calls from drunken hotel-bar
pickups. So you’ll just have to trust your gut, FAIL, which failed you here. Just
remember this on your next business trip: The further a married person is from
home and the drunker that married person is, the likelier it is that that
married person is lying to you.
I’m a 17-year-old gay male. I’m into farts. It took me a while to come
to terms with that. I attend a moderate-sized high school where there are very
few out gay guys, so I’m desperately looking forward to meeting new people in
college. The thing is, I’ve gleaned from your column that my fetish is a
handicap. It was hard enough accepting that I’m gay and harder still to accept
that I have a fart fetish. Do I now have to accept that I will never be able to
go through the cycle of human sexual bonding in a normal way, since you suggest
that fetishists like me should stick to sex workers and online-organized
hookups with fellow fetishists?
I don’t mean to be combative. I’m just wondering what lies in store for
me and whether there’s any hope. I’m not a sick bastard in any way but this,
and it would be devastating for me to hear that I should skip dating altogether
and head to the chat rooms. I would be really grateful if you could offer me
some candid - but sensitive - insight
on this.
Help Out Pubescent Eproctophiliac
Here’s
what lies in store for you, HOPE: You’re going to meet guys online who share
your fetish. There aren’t tons of you out there, I’m
sorry-ish to say, so that means the odds are slim that you’ll meet a fellow
eproctophiliac living on or near your campus. And if you do find someone online
who lives on or near your campus who shares your kink,
the odds that you’ll be both physically and romantically attracted to him - the odds that he’ll be boyfriend material - are
slimmer still.
But rest
assured: People meet online every day - straight people, queer people, vanillas,
kinksters - and fall in love. If you do find someone online who shares your
kink and whom you click with, HOPE, don’t make the
mistake of ruling him out as a boyfriend just because you met him in a kinky
chat room. You were in that chat room and you’re relationship material, right?
And if you meet a fellow fetishist whom you’re really into who lives on the
other side of the country, well, that totally blows. But the rarer a fetish,
the greater the lengths a fetishist sometimes has to
go to find a partner. If you’re into him and he’s into you and he’s
relationship material, get your ass on an airplane and go see the boy. (Take
all the usual precautions - get his real name and real phone number, have your
first meeting in a public place, make sure someone knows where you’re going,
have someplace to stay, etc.).
You’ll
also be able to meet guys the normal way, HOPE - in your classes, in bars, at
parties, and via non-kink hookup websites popular with gay college boys. You
may wind up partnered with a guy who finds you so attractive that he’s willing
to indulge you. Or, like a lot of people with unique and/or challenging
fetishes, you may wind up in a long-term relationship with a loving partner
with whom you enjoy vanilla sex while indulging your fetish via online porn,
chats, webcam sessions, and, yes, an understanding sex worker whom you treat
with respect and overtip.
So
there’s hope for you, HOPE.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
12.24.09
I’m a woman who wants to be spanked. But I’m overweight and
self-conscious. Men who like to spank women like to spank petite women.
Sometimes I’ll search kinky personal sites or other online forums and find
someone who might want to spank me. But I get scared and I back out. Most
recently, I’ve been talking to a trucker who stops at rest stops along his
routes around the country and meets with/spanks women. He is patient and
encouraging, and has references, and has directed me to boards with all this
safety information, and insisted on getting to know each other via e-mail and
phone conversations before we actually meet. This makes me trust him and feel
better when I think about going to meet him.
But I still feel like it’s a very bad idea. Nobody knows I have a
fetish for this stuff, so I can’t tell anyone where I’ll be going, and I feel
like going to meet a stranger on a highway so he can beat me is a very stupid
thing to do. Plus, if he kills me, everybody will scream, “Well, what did you
think would happen!” at my fat dead body.
What do you think?
She Wants A Tanning
I think
meeting strange men in rest stops is a bad idea generally, SWAT, and meeting
strange men in rest stops for a beating seems like a particularly bad idea. There
are probably lots of decent and kind truckers out there, some of them kinky,
and they have just as much right to pursue their sexual interests as anyone
else. (And I’m going to be hearing from them after this column appears.) But
you are not the right person for a
kinky rest-stop hookup with a near-stranger.
This has
nothing to do with your size, SWAT, and everything to do with your self-esteem
issues and your isolation. I’m not saying this particular trucker is a crazed
serial killer or an abuser. But serial killers and abusers seek out women who
are isolated and have self-esteem issues, vulnerable women they can manipulate
and exploit. Until you can approach someone with some confidence and with at
least one confidant, you shouldn’t be making dates to see anyone.
Repeat
after me: “Some men like big women. Some men like spanking women. Some men like
spanking big women.” For those men, your big ass is an asset, SWAT. Also: “I
can’t meet someone for a kinky hookup—in a rest stop or a hotel room or
someone’s apartment—unless someone knows where I’m going, who I’m with,
and when I’m expected home.”
My boyfriend of six months has a weird dick-area odor. It’s worse after
a long day, but it’s there even after he showers. It’s this sickly sweet
rotting smell that makes it hard for me to give him oral. Even jacking him off
can be tough when I get a whiff. In all the years I’ve been sexually active,
I’ve never smelled anything like this. I wonder if it might be that he was in a
brutal car accident years ago that messed up his innards. He’s one of those
closed-off stoic types who hasn’t had much luck or help in life, including
follow-up care after the accident, and he also doesn’t take the best care of
his health—heavy smoker, doesn’t eat right or exercise (although no
drugs).
When we first got together, he seemed like a confident, happy, dominant
man, the first man of this type I have ever met who also treated me
respectfully. As the relationship wears on, I am finding that he is locked up tightly
with insecurities. He worries everything down to shreds and hates his job but
won’t leave it because “he helps people there,” despite being royally screwed wagewise. If it were one problem or the other, I would suck
it up for the sake of the most supportive relationship I’ve ever had. But iron
emotional control + horrible dick odor = I have to get stupid drunk to have sex
with him. Do you know what the odor might be? And should I wait to see if he
loosens up more with time (his request when I talk about the emotional issue) or
get on with my life solo?
One Dick Only Reeks
Our
bodies have two types of sweat glands, ODOR, eccrine glands,
which are all over our bodies, and apocrine glands,
which are concentrated in our armpits and crotches. Apocrine glands pump out ranker-smelling sweat, and these glands pump out more sweat
when a person is stressed out—and it sounds like your boyfriend is always
stressed out. And since the fluids that come out of our bodies—spit,
piss, come, and sweat—are composed of what we put into our bodies, your
boyfriend’s shitty diet and his cigarette addiction aren’t helping matters
much, either.
If you
love him, ODOR, be straight with him: If he wants to keep you in his life, he
needs to loosen up, improve his diet, and see a doc and a dermatologist about
the crotch stank.
I have recently been toying with the idea of doing electro stuff, but
I’m worried that it could get ugly. Suppose you have a battery-powered vibrator
in your ass and two of those electricity-conducting e-stim pads on either ass cheek. I have horrible mental images of the vibrator
exploding in my ass. Am I being completely irrational? I need a kinky
electrician to guide me! Thanks so much for all that you do!
The Electric Company
“He has
nothing to worry about,” says David, the mad genius behind SexTek,
which makes and markets erotic e-stim gear, and my
go-to guy for all e-stim questions. “The electrical
bits in the vibrator won’t be bothered in the slightest by the e-stim currents flowing nearby, and the vibrator won’t
interfere with the e-stim. Assuming your device is
made for use on the human body, the low power currents involved only stimulate
nearby nerves and muscles. The vibrator won’t be bothered at all. But make sure
you’re using a proper commercial e-stim device and read the manual. Most electrosex injuries occur when someone uses the wrong
equipment or improvises.”
Yeah,
yeah: The guy who sells commercial e-stim products is
telling TEC to buy a commercial e-stim product.
Anyone who thinks David is wrong—anyone who thinks exploring e-stim without first purchasing equipment designed to be used
for e-stim play—is welcome to stick the frayed
end of an extension cord up his butt and then report back to us about how that
worked out for him. The e-stim-curious with sense,
however, will take David’s advice and check out the products available at www.sextek.com
and those made by other e-stim companies.
Any last-minute Xmas gift ideas, Dan?
Nothing Under Tree
Sure,
NUT: Tinsel, my friend Hank Stuever’s brilliant and hilarious new book about America’s
Christmas present; Every Man Dies Alone,
a chilling 1947 novel by Hans Fallada about life
under the Nazis (Fallada was a German novelist who
barely survived the war and didn’t live to see his masterwork published); the
bondage enthusiasts on your list will love the hemp rope for sale at www.twistedmonk.com;
and the ET302R available at www.sextek.com makes the perfect stocking stuffer.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
12.17.09
I’ve been married
four years and have a beautiful baby boy with my husband. I enjoy sex a lot,
even a bit of BDSM. My husband, on the other hand, isn’t “driven by sex,” as he
likes to put it, and will try tying me up if that’s what I “really want.” You’d
think if he wasn’t driven by sex, the few times we did have sex, he would last
for a while, but he lasts at best five minutes. On the occasional blue moon,
it’ll be about 10 minutes. My problem is, all I can think about is getting
fucked by some stranger with no strings attached so I can get rid of this
heartbreak, for lack of a better word. But I always back out, because I don’t
want to risk my family or my husband’s happiness. I don’t want to be a cheater,
Dan, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life having missed out on my
“sexual prime” because my husband already experienced his. I should mention that
he’s 35 and I’m 23. I also have a few poly friends who are kinky, and they
preach to me that being monogamous is a mistake and I can seek out kinky play
with others without it being sexual. Please be as brutal as possible.
Permission 2 Explore
Please
Before I get to your question,
P2EP, a programming note: FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST! I’m suffering from some
sort of carpal-tunnel/repetitive-motion/too-much-beating-off injury, and it
feels like my right arm is on fire. Every letter I type sends a blast of white-hot
pain up my arm and into my head and FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST! Since I’m in a
great deal of pain here, I thought it only appropriate that I give the column
over to letters about BDSM. That way, someone - my kinkiest readers - can enjoy
my suffering.
Okay, P2EP, you have my permission.
Not to explore, as it’s not in my power to grant you permission to do that. You
have my permission to go and demand permission to explore from your lazy,
selfish, inconsiderate husband. Renegotiate your deal. You have needs, they’re
not being met, and he doesn’t seem interested in meeting them. Tell him that
you will remain sexually exclusive - only his cock gets near your holes (for
now) - but you want and need and demand permission to at least explore
erotic-but-not-fully-sexual kink with others. Sell it to him as something that
relieves him of the burden of having to do this stuff - kink - with you and/or
feeling bad about not doing this stuff with you.
I’m a straight man,
age 26. I was just dumped by a married couple. The wife was very sadistic, and
the husband did not enjoy pain. When we got together, she would hurt me (TT,
CBT, flogging) before fucking him. The wife asked if I wanted to play alone
sometime, and I said yes. When she asked her husband and told him that she had
already checked with me and I was willing, he said that I had violated our
agreement. It isn’t easy finding people into SM where we live - the Bible Belt
of Canada - and playing alone was her idea, not mine. What do I do?
Dumped Up North
You move. The husband is blaming
you because it’s less consequential than blaming the wife. But he’s clearly not
comfortable - FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST! - having your black-and-blue ass around
anymore, due to the wife’s actions, and so you’re out. Unfair, yes, but there’s
not a lot you can do about it. Besides move.
I am a 22-year-old
bisexual male who goes to a small, prestigious liberal-arts college in the
Midwest. I’ve had boyfriends, girlfriends, and one-night stands, but I have
never really felt like sex worked out as well as I imagine it could. I have a
dominant personality, and people tend to follow me. Perhaps for this reason, I
have fetishized submission. I imagine I would be into bondage and domination. I
think I am a bit more attracted to women and would love to find a woman who
takes a strong, dominant role in our relationship. I feel like I am always
expected to make the first move with women, which has led me to prefer hooking
up with men. I just wonder if there is anything I could do to find a woman
who’d be into dominating me.
I don’t really like
making the first move, but I’ve found just waiting and looking pretty doesn’t
work too well with women. Are there some ladies I could approach, and after the
initial flirting, the dynamic would change and they would take the lead? How
would I know who these people are?
Not Sure What I Want
There may be one or two young women
kicking around your small, prestigious liberal-arts college who fantasize about
taking the lead, about tying up and dominating their boyfriends, NSWIW, but
they’re not going to be tottering around campus in high-heeled boots and latex
and leather. And even dominant women who are out tend to observe/succumb to the
same cultural norms/practices that you find frustrating, i.e., they expect the
male to make the first move, even in kinky environments.
But back to the young women you’re
likely to encounter at your prestigious college: A lot of women with naturally
dominant and/or sadistic streaks - women who will one day really enjoy BDSM -
don’t realize it until that first submissive boyfriend draws it out of them. So
if you want to get tied up, pegged, and bossed around while you’re at college,
NSWIW, you need to be paradoxically assertive about your submissive tendencies.
You may have to ask four or five girls, or a dozen, before you hit the jackpot
(before you ask a dominant girl), but you will have to take the lead.
I am a 24-year-old
lesbian who has been out for five years. I am also hot, vain, in shape, and
kinky as all hell. I suppose I’m what you’d call a “lipstick lesbian.” In any
event, I like being thrown around, tied up, gagged, etc. One of my all-time
favorite fantasies is the lesbian equivalent of pegging, i.e., being done up
the ass by a hot woman with a strap-on. I like the vanilla stuff as well -
holding, kissing, cuddling, dyking it up - but what I’m really into is bondage.
And my last girlfriend dumped me when I mentioned that I liked to be tied up.
My question is, are there other young, kinky, sexaholic feminine lesbians/bisexual
women out there? Am I a complete freak? Or am I just being a sexually selfish
boor? Should I just try to let go of my kinks?
Domination Yearnings
Keep Encounters Stimulating
P.S. Thank you so
much for all the times you’ve emphasized that straight men who are into pegging
are just that - straight. It helped me to accept that my own pegging fantasies
don’t make me any less a lesbian, because so much of their appeal comes from
the fact that it would be a woman doing the pegging.
Only a small percentage of women
are lesbians, DYKES, and an even smaller number of that already-small number
are kinky. Your best strategy is to be out about your kinks from the start, so
that you don’t waste any more of your time and vanity-inducing hotness on women
who won’t tie your ass up.
And finally: FUCK OUCH DAMN IT
CHRIST!
Find the Savage
Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
12.10.09
I am a 23-year-old male who has been in a relationship with a great
woman for four years now. She is an amazing person, and we oftentimes talk
about marriage. The issue is this: I have a foot fetish and she is fully aware
of it. She doesn’t like the idea of me kissing her feet or indulging my fetish
in any way. We have sex quite often, and I’ve always let it slide that she
doesn’t want any part of my fetish. I don’t know what to do, because I’m at a
stage in my sexual growth where I need to experience my fetish. I’m getting
mixed advice from different people and I just want a straight answer. The sex
we have is amazing, but I would enjoy it so much more if I could act on my
desires once in a while.
Sexually Frustrated Fetishist
Here’s
a straight answer: Your amazing girlfriend is an amazingly selfish lover, and
I’m amazed that you’ve put up with her bullshit for as long as you have. A foot
fetish is not uncommon or outrageous; as fetishes go, SFF, yours is the least
taxing for a nonkinky partner. It’s not like you’re into shit or choking or
Christian side hugs. Any amazing woman who truly loved you would regard
indulging you as a no-brainer.
Share
time: I have a good friend who’s not kinky at all - unless you count being gay
- and he’s a runner who goes for long runs every Saturday morning. When he gets
home, he handcuffs his boyfriend to a chair in his kitchen, duct-tapes one of
his sweaty sneakers over the boyfriend’s face, and leaves him there while he
has breakfast. My friend - who came to me for advice when his boyfriend
confessed his fetish - isn’t really into guys with sneakers duct-taped to their
faces. But it gets his lover off, and isn’t that what lovers are for?
Your
lover has had things - she’s had you - on her terms for four years, SFF, which
means you’re going to have to play the breakup card. It’s the only leverage you
have. Tell her that if she can indulge your fetish - happily and regularly -
and take some pleasure in giving you pleasure, she might be “the one.” If she
can’t or won’t, she obviously isn’t. (Not that “the one” is anything other than
a destructive myth, but for the sake of winning this argument, go ahead and use
it.)
Finally,
SFF, don’t let the girlfriend - or anyone else - tell you that you’re
threatening to end this relationship over something trivial. Sexual fulfillment
is important, particularly if your relationship is exclusive. And the
“triviality” of your kink cuts both ways: If your kink is so trivial, why not just indulge you then? And
in a long-term relationship - or a marriage - one partner’s sexual selfishness
and another’s sexual frustration rarely prove trivial over the long haul.
They’re more often grounds for divorce.
I am a 35-year-old partnered gay man, but I’ve been having an online
conversation with a married bisexual man that has become an ongoing game of
sexual dares. It’s a safe form of sexual adventurism for both of us. None of
our dares has involved sexual contact with another person, but some of our
dares have begun to involve other people at the edges. For example, we’ve
posted ads to Craigslist as submissives and responded to some of the replies
from dominant men. None of these interactions with third parties will result in
actual contact. It feels a little like we are exploiting the “flakes” aspect of
Craigslist, i.e., it’s common to hear from someone a few times after making
contact on Craigslist and then never hear from them again. But it also feels a
little like we are using these folks. Is this expansion of our game to involve
other people ethical?
Concerned About Harming Craigslist Fellas
P.S. By the way, this letter is itself part of a dare. If you
publish it and include a dare in the published reply, I will have to fulfill
that dare.
The
expansion of your game to Craigslist will annoy those guys on CL who are
looking for actual contact, CAHCF, but as those guys amount to something less
than 0.02 percent of the men trawling Craigslist at any given moment, I
wouldn’t worry about it. Everyone knows that CL is overrun with flakes and game
players and picture collectors; the odds that the “dominant men” you’ve chatted
with on CL are interested in actual contact are pretty damn slim. (Guys
interested in real-time BDSM play are likelier to be lurking on Recon.com or in
your local hardware store.) So post at will.
P.S.
I dare you to go to www.tinyurl.com/ye3otsh and take the pledge.
I’m a straight guy in my late 20s. I have a girlfriend of several
years whom I live with and I love very much. I just read your most recent
column, in which you used the acronyms HND (honest nonmonogamous dude) and CPOS
(cheating piece of shit), and it struck a nerve. I have never been an HND; I
have in the past been a CPOS (though not in this relationship). My girlfriend
is lovely, supportive, and generally GGG, and though the sex is good, I have a
significantly higher libido than she does and I would like to have a little
more variety in my sex life. I want to be an HND, but I don’t know how to
broach the subject with the girlfriend without ruining our relationship. We are
very open about our sex life and our relationship in general, but I think this
is probably a “next level” topic that may not go over very well. How do I bring
this up without screwing up our relationship beyond repair?
Aspiring Honest Nonmonogamous Dude
Based
on what you’ve learned about yourself in past relationships, AHND, i.e., that
you’re a CPOS waiting to happen, I would encourage you to err on the side of
screwing up your current relationship with an honest conversation about your
mismatched libidos and your natural and normal desire for a little variety.
Lies, damn lies, and statistics all demonstrate that, in time, one or the other
or both of you will cheat. Better to toss that out there now, even at the risk
of calmly winding down this relationship before you revert to form/CPOS, than
to see the relationship explode after someone, most likely you, winds up
cheating.
And
while we’re on the subject of cheating…
I
suppose I’m obligated to say a few words about Tiger Woods. First, let’s
pretend that Elin Nordegren cheated
on Tiger and that Tiger went after Elin with a golf club. Would Elin be viewed
as the sole transgressor in the marriage then? Probably not. And second, daily
papers and cable-news outfits reacted to Tiger’s “transgressions” by changing
the names in the same “Why do powerful men cheat?” stories they’ve been pimping
since Bill Clinton blew a load on a White House intern. For the millionth time:
Men cheat for the same reasons women cheat, i.e., because they’re bored or
horny or unfulfilled or desperate to see someone else naked for a change.
People cheat because monogamy isn’t natural and we are wired to cheat. That
doesn’t make cheating right, of course; people should honor their commitments,
and blah-de-nine-iron-blah. But we shouldn’t encourage people to make
commitments we all know they’re unlikely to keep. The end.
AUCTION NOTICE: Want to answer a question or two in an upcoming
column? I’m auctioning
off a chance to give advice in this space to raise money for some worthy
charities. Go to www.tinyurl.com/SLauction for details and to bid.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at
thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
12.03.09
I’m a longtime reader
who thought I’d never have a reason to write since I’m universally known as the
“good girl,” but I’m not sure who else I can turn to. I have a close male
friend. Even though I knew he was dating someone else, we became friends-with-benefits
several years ago. Because of his relationship (and the fact that he lives with
her!), I let him take the lead in setting up our rendezvous. Sometimes when
we’d be together, it felt like a booty call; other times, it felt like it was leading
to something more. He once admitted that if things were different, he could see
us together. He never really talks about his girlfriend with me, and a while
ago I discovered that while he was unfaithful to her, he had also been
unfaithful to me.
On to the point of
this letter: He recently proposed to his girlfriend. I’m happy for him if it’s
what he truly wants, but I feel like he did it out of desperation. All I know
is that there were some ultimatums involved. Here is my dilemma: I don’t want
to out myself, I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want to ruin our
friendship, Dan, but I feel like she has to know what her fiancé is really like
before they get married. I don’t see his cheating stopping just because they’ve
exchanged a few vows. Should I anonymously contact her and let her know that
her man is a cheating man-whore? Thanks!
One Of Many Other
Women
Gee… it must have come as a real
shock when you realized that a man who was capable of cheating on his live-in
girlfriend was also capable of cheating on the girl with whom he was cheating
on his live-in girlfriend. No one could’ve predicted, huh?
On to your question: I hate to
think of some poor woman marrying a cheating piece of shit (CPOS) - a CPOS is
not to be confused with an honest nonmonogamous dude (HND) - in ignorance of
his cheating-piece-of-shit-ness. It’s possible that the CPOS’s fiancée already
knows and has forgiven him; perhaps one of those ultimatums touched on
cheating. But odds are better that this woman doesn’t know, and someone really
ought to clue her in before the wedding. But should that person be you?
I’m not comfortable with your
motives, OOMOW. You may be known throughout the universe as a “good girl” - as the good girl
- but your actions prove that you’re something of a “bad girl.” And there’s
more: Your desire to destroy your FWB’s relationship proves that you’re
something of a “vindictive girl,” your attempt to pass your vindictiveness off
as concern for a woman you’ve repeatedly wronged proves that you’re a “self-deluding
girl,” and your desire to accomplish all of this without paying any price
yourself - you don’t want to out yourself or risk ruining your “friendship”
with the man-whore - proves that you’re a “selfish girl” and a “cowardly girl.”
Back to your motives: The reason
you want to do this anonymously is because your top concern is having the CPOS
all to yourself, and that means sticking a knife in his current relationship
without leaving any fingerprints. So it’s a good thing - a useful thing - that
you weren’t the only “other woman” in his life, OOMOW, because he’ll never know
for sure which one of his other women ratted him out.
Setting your highly suspect motives
aside…
If I were in the fiancée’s shoes, I
would want to know what was going on before the wedding. So I do think you
should tell her. But if you have any shred of decency - even the tiniest bit -
you will tell her personally, apologize profusely, and provide her with some
proof. An anonymous tip won’t cut it: A CPOS who has successfully hidden a collection
of other women from his fiancée will be able to talk his way out of an
anonymous accusation of infidelity. He’ll either claim the e-mail was sent by a
vindictive ex-girlfriend of his, which has the benefit of being very nearly
true, or he’ll claim that an ex-boyfriend of hers is trying to destroy her
happiness.
Finally, OOMOW, why do you want to
be with the CPOS? He cheated on his fiancée, he cheated on you, and he probably
cheated on the women who he was cheating on the both of you with. He’s a piece
of shit, his fiancée is a fool, and you’re a vindictive, self-deluding, selfish
coward. I’m not sure if you can all do better, or that any of you deserve
better, but I do think you should all try.
I’m a hetero girl in
my 20s. I love masturbating and find myself really good at it, but a lot of the
time I get nothing from hetero porn. Usually it’s because I can’t stand the
girls’ annoying voices. So I rely on gay porn instead, even when I’m reading
erotica. I tend to go for what you gay guys call “twinks.” (Who the hell is a
twink, technically speaking? Please don’t tell me it’s anything statutory!) I’m
not really concerned, I’m just curious: Is this a common problem? I now get really
intrigued when I meet gay guys in real life because I get off to so many gay
men in porn. I would love to watch two twinks in reality at some point, but I’m
not sure if any gay guys would ever be into that.
Twink Lover
Twinks are boyish gay men - boyish men, not
boyish boys - in their late teens to mid-20s with slim-to-slightly-muscular bodies and
relatively hairless chins, chests, crotches, etc. So long as you’re getting
your live-action porn from reputable porn sites and companies, TL, you don’t
have anything to worry about on the statutory front.
As for watching a couple of twinks
go at it, there are lots of bisexual twinks out there - perhaps you could date
one and have the odd three-way with others? There are also, without a doubt,
some twink gay couples out there as turned on by the idea of some straight girl
watching them go at it as you are turned on by the idea of watching a couple of
twinks go at it. And thanks to the World Wide Interfluffer, finding them - or
renting them - is easier than ever. And speaking of twinks…
However much Playgirl paid Levi Johnston for that
photo shoot, it wasn’t enough. Most people thought Playgirl - which ceased publishing in
print a while ago - was dead and gone forever. Prior to this photo shoot with
Johnston, who even knew that Playgirl had a website? Or that Playgirl had a publicist? A publicist who had this to say after the shoot: “We were talking in the greenroom about gay categories
- bear, cubs - and Levi asked what his type would be. We decided a twink, but
older, so we anointed him a ‘twunk.’”
I love the idea of a twunk - an
older twink - but Levi Johnston is 19 years old. How old is a twink supposed to be
if a 19-year-old is already an aged twunk? No, no: Johnston was never a twink.
He is a high-school jock - the hockey variety, to the delight of gear fetishists
everywhere - gone slightly to seed. But what’s more interesting than sorting
Johnston into his exact gay etymological category is watching Johnston, once a
major homophobe, become increasingly comfortable with teh gays. Celebrity - and
that’s what he is now - means having to hang out and work with (and work for) a
certain number of out homos. One of those homos no doubt explained to Johnston
that not many women would be masturbating to his pictures on Playgirl’s
website. It seems that homophobia is a luxury that Levi can’t afford anymore.
And, psst, Levi? If you did that Playgirl shoot only to drive your former future mother-in-law crazy - and if that was
your plan, kiddo, it seemed to work - imagine how much crazier she’ll get if
you do a little gay-for-pay porn. Just sayin’.
Find the Savage
Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.
11.26.09
I am a 29-year-old single straight man. Over the
past year, I have become very close friends with a gay man close to my age. We
have a blast hanging out, and I value our friendship. Four months ago, he told
me that he had developed romantic feelings for me and said he needed a little
space to save our friendship. For a couple of months, we saw each other only
with mutual friends. Then we started hanging out again. It’s been great, and he
seems very comfortable with me again. The thing is, I am now experiencing a
sexual attraction to him. I have never been with a man and I am very attracted
to women, but it doesn’t bother me that I suddenly feel this way.
I have been thinking about asking him if he wants to
have a sexual experience with me. I think he would go for it. A long-term
romantic relationship with him does not interest me, but I do love him as a
friend and don’t want to risk losing that. Is it possible this could be just a
one-time thing that brings us closer as friends, or is it more likely to ruin
our friendship? He is the only guy I have ever been attracted to, and I want to
have this experience.
Straight Except For One Guy
While
you’re open to having a gay experience with your friend, SEFOG, he would
probably prefer to have a gay relationship with someone. The fact that he can’t
“have you” - i.e., you’re never gonna gay marry him - may make him reluctant to
fuck your ass. Having sex with you could obviously reignite feelings he made an
effort to squash to “save the friendship” - duh - and he may dread the feelings
of jealousy and inadequacy that could swamp him when the inevitable happens and
you wind up in a LTR with a woman.
All that
said, SEFOG, I’m going to share a little secret with you about gay men: We’re
men, real men, just like straight men. We’re good at having sex without getting
emotionally attached - some of us are a little too good at it - and a single
gay man, like a single straight man, rarely passes up a chance to get with
someone he’s attracted to, even if he wants more than that person can give.
About the only thing that gay men are better at than straight men - besides
deep-throating - is maintaining friendships with exes, one-night stands,
friends-with-benefits, fuck buddies, et al.
Lob your
balls into your friend’s court, SEFOG, and see what he says. You were able to
remain friends after he confessed his attraction to you, so I don’t see why you
won’t be able to remain friends after you confess your attraction to him.
I’m a woman with an extremely gorgeous, brilliant,
openly (mostly) gay friend who I’ve been having sex with infrequently but
regularly over the last six months. I know why I’m doing it: I enjoy his
company, he’s hot, the sex is incredible. But I’m not sure why he’s having sex
with me, a straight girl. The most I could get out of him is that he thinks I
have a “masculine sexuality.” I’d like to have a clearer understanding of where
our friendship/sexual relationship stands. I am a person who likes to talk
about everything, and he is not.
Confused Over Male Eroticism
I would
hazard a guess that your (mostly) gay friend is doing this - doing you - for
the same reasons you’re doing him: He enjoys your company, you’re hot, and the
sex is great. As for where you stand, COME, well, that depends on what you
want. Do you want hot sex with a hot guy every once in a while? Then you’re in
good standing. Do you want a relationship? Then you’re deluding yourself. Very
few gay-identified men are secretly closeted straight guys, COME. When a
bisexual guy identifies as gay, it’s typically because he’s not romantically
attracted to women. He can fuck women, but he doesn’t fall in love with women.
Most bisexual guys are the opposite of your (mostly) gay friend, i.e., they can
fuck men but they don’t fall in love with men, which is why most bi guys
identify as (mostly) straight.
I wanted to satisfy my curiosity of getting a
blowjob from a guy. I found one online willing to do the deed, and we met and
he started. After about 15 seconds, I stopped him. It was not for me and did
not feel right. Now, in reality, what are my chances of getting a disease? Low?
Medium? High? He did not use a condom. I know you are going to say to get
tested, which I probably will. But in your opinion, are my chances so great
that I should run to the clinic? Would it matter the time length of the BJ?
Say, if it were 10 to 15 minutes instead of seconds? Thanks for your time.
Sent From My iPhone
My
apologies to Jerry Herman: It only takes a moment to contract a sexually
transmitted infection you could have your whole life long, SFMi. If the guy who
blew you - however brief the blowjob was - had syphilis or chlamydia or herpes
or all three, you could’ve contracted any or all of them. You can’t contract an
STI from a guy who doesn’t have any STIs, of course, but what do you think the
chances are that a guy who blows strangers he meets online has an STI? Low?
Medium? High?
Go get
tested, SFMi.
I’m a 23-year-old lesbian who’s been in a
relationship with a bisexual woman. She’s always had a fantasy about
guy-girl-girl three-ways, so about five or so months ago, we decided to invite
her best friend, “Roger,” into bed with us. We’ve both been pretty happy with
the arrangement. At the start, I refused to have sex with him. But about two
months ago, I decided I wanted to try it, never having had sex with a guy
myself. I couldn’t get into it, so we stopped after two minutes. Since then,
I’ve missed two periods and done four home pregnancy tests - all positive.
How the hell am I going to break the news to my
girlfriend? We used condoms! I’d like to keep the baby and raise it with my
girlfriend, but we have been living with each other for only a year. And how do
I break it to Roger, if at all?
Gay Baby Mama Drama
How do
you break the news to your girlfriend? The same way you break it to Roger:
without further delay. Keeping the baby is your decision and your choice, GBMD,
but it’s a decision you have to make in consultation with your girlfriend if
you’re counting on her to raise this baby with you. And as your ultimate choice
will have enormous potential consequences for Roger, both emotional and
financial, he needed to be informed of your condition three pregnancy tests
ago.
Your
girlfriend may not be ready for the kind of commitment that coparenting
represents. Roger may be nontraditional in the whole
three-ways-with-hot-lesbians sense but traditional in the
wants-to-be-the-father-of-his-child sense. You need their input as you make
this choice, GBMD. And you have choices in addition to abortion or keeping the
baby. There’s also open adoption. In an open adoption, you pick the family the
child is placed with, and you and Roger can have ongoing contact with the child
after adoption. You can learn more about open adoption at www.openadopt.org.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at
thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
11.19.09
I am a happily married, happily nonmonogamous male. We are not wild
swinger types. For us it’s more about the fact that monogamy does not work than
about nailing everything that walks by. Anyway, I have encountered an odd
situation a few times now, and again last night, where I’ll be flirting with a
potential fling and she knows I’m married and she’s very interested. But when
she finds out my marriage is nonmonogamous, she suddenly backs out. Case in
point, a coworker: We have been flirting since I started my new job a few
months ago. Today she asked me what my wife would do if she found out I was
sneaking around on her. Good time to make a full disclosure! But when I told
her my situation, that was the end of our flirtation. Any idea why women find the idea of cheating with me okay, but once
they find out I have a free go of things, they walk?
This woman didn’t find the idea of cheating with you “okay,” NFW, she wanted to fuck you because you’re married and presumably monogamous. Try to look at it from her perspective: When she thought you were willing to cheat on your wife to be with her, NFW, that meant you found her so attractive, so utterly irresistible, that you would break your marriage vows and risk everything to get into her pants. Sleeping with her with your wife’s permission? Meh, where’s the ego boost in that?
I am a 40-ish married straight woman living in Geneva. I have been
happily married in a monogamous relationship for 11 years. My husband and I met
when we were in our early 20s. After listening to all of the Savage Lovecasts
together, we started to talk about the idea of “some degree of openness,” as
you put it. In the past year, I have had a crush on a coworker. My husband is
okay with me having something on the side with this coworker. This coworker is
single (last I heard) and 17 years younger (yikes!), and he knows I am married.
We had a great working relationship while we were assigned to a project
together, but now he’s in another department. My question is, how to go from
here? After having a few good talks with my husband, I am excited about this
idea and terrified. I’m having a private lunch with my coworker soon. This is
fine with my husband. What can you tell me to calm me the hell down and not be
so stressed? After being conditioned my whole life that monogamy is the only
way to go, I am having a hard time shifting! Newly Open Couple Lacks Understanding & Education
Have that lunch, and tell your coworker/crush that you and the husband are just beginning to explore the idea of openness. For all you know now, your much-younger coworker may not be interested in being your piece on the side. If it turns out that he is interested, take things very, very slowly and keep your husband fully informed. But even if I could relieve you of your stress and anxiety with a few words, NOCLUE, I wouldn’t. You should be anxious and stressed out; it’s appropriate to be anxious and stressed out. Your nervousness is prompting you to take things slowly and to be careful and conscientious about your husband’s feelings. If this works out - for you, for your coworker, for your husband - it will be in large part thanks to the stress, NOCLUE, not despite it. Enjoy.
I am in a strange situation. I work in the corporate sector in
marketing and sales. It is a high-stress, fast-paced job, and everyone has a
short fuse. I have a coworker who is losing business to a competitor who
happens to be gay. In her fits of anger, she keeps calling him a faggot. I hate
it. The thing is, I am not gay. And if anyone in our office is, they are in the
closet. She has used the word in front of other coworkers and even our boss,
and no one seems to be bothered. I am torn about what I should do. I am black, and if she was using the word “nigger,” I would call her on it and
raise issue with our HR department. Can I file a complaint on behalf of a group
I do not belong to? If she found out I complained, she would see it as a threat
to her own job, which could lead to a decidedly hostile workplace. But if it was a racial slur, I would not let that deter me. I want to
do the right thing. How would you handle the situation? Not My Problem?
If someone at my office were tossing the word “nigger” around, NMP, I would lodge a complaint. I would resent the assumption on my coworker’s part that since I’m white she can use racist speech in my presence, because, hey, all us white people are racist POS, right? And I would complain because a workplace that tolerates racist remarks is a workplace that tolerates homophobic remarks. If people are using “nigger” when there aren’t any black people in the room, they’re doubtless using “faggot” when there aren’t any gay people in the room. And vice versa. Have a word with HR.
I have a new coworker, a young man who is gay and quite effeminate.
He’s slim, wears makeup, has boyish/feminine features, and has done some
modeling work as a woman. He said in a lunchroom discussion today that he
prefers to wear women’s clothes. He said he had worn women’s clothes at a
previous workplace, and no one had been offended. I suggested he talk to HR to
protect his job before coming to work dressed in women’s clothing. Good advice
or should I just mind my own business? One coworker suggested that he work up
to it, while another said he should just do it and let the chips fall where
they may. The question of what restroom he should use when dressed as a woman
came up. I’m not 100 percent comfortable sharing the ladies’ room with him.
Though I am certain most of the men won’t be comfortable sharing the men’s room
with him either. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle situations where I
might find myself in the same restroom as my newest coworker? She Knows It’s Really Trivial
If your coworker identifies as female, she should use the women’s room. If he identifies as male, he should use the men’s room. And seeing as he’s using the men’s room now - despite his wearing makeup and being openly gay - I don’t see how the addition of a dress should change things for his male coworkers. And from the way you describe that lunchroom conversation, SKIRT, it sounds like your effeminate new coworker has at least some support at work - but yes, he should have a talk with HR. As for “handl[ing] situations” where you find yourself in the same restroom with your newest coworker, SKIRT, unless you routinely offer to zip up your coworkers or wipe their asses for them, I don’t see how his presence - or his attire or the particular brand of genitalia tucked into his panties - really impacts you at all.
Find the Savage
Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
11.12.09
I am a 30-year-old woman, married for five years to a man eight
years my senior. Lately I have become more aware that I am turned on by the
idea of bondage, specifically men locked up in chastity devices. I am ashamed
of myself because it seems, well, pretty perverse and disturbed. My husband is a pretty dominant alpha-male type. I am a relatively
dominant personality, but I’m a bit submissive around him in order to keep the
peace, as he will not tolerate any disagreement in certain situations. So I am
wondering: Is this new fetish springing from my frustration at being dominated
by the man in my life, or am I just becoming more aware of my proclivities as I
get older? Is this a sign of a psychological problem?
Should I discuss this at all with my husband? Turning The Tables
The emotional dynamics
in your marriage - he won’t tolerate disagreement in “certain situations,” you
bite your tongue to avoid conflict - sound a hell of a lot more perverse and
disturbed to me than your growing awareness/acceptance of your interest in
bondage and chastity. Your interest in consensual power exchange is as sexy as
it is common, TTT, and your kinks don’t require his constant submission, e.g.,
he’s not tied up once you untie him, his dick isn’t locked up once you unlock
it. His inability to “tolerate any disagreement in certain situations,” on the
other hand, requires your constant submission. No relationship lasts
unless both partners are willing to bite their tongues from time to time in the
interests of keeping the peace. But when someone says her husband “will not tolerate any disagreement in certain
situations,” that worries me. Maybe
the list of situations in which your husband won’t tolerate disagreement is
relatively short now, TTT, and maybe it’s something you can live with. But if
your husband realizes that he can successfully control you with this anger, the
list is likely to grow. Be careful. On to your fetish: It
sounds like you were always turned on by the idea of controlling a man; you
write that you’ve become “more aware” of this fetish, which leads me to believe
that you’ve had some awareness all along. Why is it coming to the forefront
now? It could have something to do with hitting your sexual peak, which women
do around 30, and it could be because your kinks go so strongly against the grain
of the established emotional dynamics of your marriage. I would encourage you to discuss your kinks with your husband. They’re not anything out of the ordinary (or the extraordinary, I should say), and lots of dominant dick swingers - guys like your husband - secretly fantasize about submission. The cliché about the high-powered CEO who goes crawling to a professional dominant to get his ass beaten is a cliché because it’s frequently true. Your husband could be one of those guys - but you’ll never know until you ask.
I won’t bore you with the story of my 19 years in a sexless
marriage. God knows that must be one of the most common complaints you get, and
you’ve given plenty of good advice on the topic, some of which I’ll be taking
any minute now to keep me from blowing my head off. What I want to know is, am
I… is everyone entitled to an active sex life? He Only Really Needs Your Okay
I don’t need the
whole story, HORNYO, but you could’ve bored me with a few relevant details. For
instance, has your marriage been sexless for all 19 years of its existence? Or
did your sex life collapse at some point during those 19 years? Did the sex end
a year ago? Five years ago? Ten years ago? Fifteen? But to answer your
question: No one is entitled to an active sex life. We are all entitled to
freedom of sexual expression - consensual sexual expression - but to express
your sexuality with others, you have to find or marry or rent a willing sex
partner. And while each has the right to seek sexual fulfillment,* HORNYO, sadly not all who seek shall find. Some folks are unlucky or unfuckable
or wind up trapped in marriages that always were or have become sexless - which
is where compassionate, understanding sex workers and/or the Ashley Madison
Agency (www.ashleymadison.com) come in handy. Back to your
marriage: If you were doing something wrong, HORNYO, if you destroyed your
wife’s attraction to you through neglect (or something worse), then you are
obligated to make a good-faith effort to undo the damage and, perhaps, restore
the sexual aspect of your marriage. But if the wife cut you off because she
simply isn’t interested in sex anymore - or if she never was interested in sex
- then you are entitled to seek what sexual fulfillment you can find outside
your marriage. * Offer not good in Saudi Arabia or Jamaica.
My boyfriend and his best friend are close. Last summer, I noticed
that when my boyfriend gets drunk he tries to grab his friend’s ass, throws his
arm around him, and sits close to him. Then one day I found a pair of underwear
in our bedroom that belonged to my boyfriend’s best friend. My boyfriend said
he didn’t know how they got there. I figured he and his pal messed around and
he didn’t know how to talk about it honestly because he’s pretty macho. I was
jealous, but I asked myself if I could accept a bi boyfriend and decided that I
could. So a few days ago, my boyfriend’s best friend asks me if I tell my
boyfriend everything he, the best friend, tells me. I say no, not necessarily.
So he asks me to promise not to tell my boyfriend what he’s about to tell me. I
say that depends. He brings up the underwear incident and says that he called a
prostitute that night and fucked her in my bed, and that’s why his underwear
was in my room. He tells me that my boyfriend let me think they were gay for
each other rather than tell me that they called a hooker. And he tells me my
boyfriend didn’t touch the hooker - to which I say yeah right. Why did he tell me this? And what do I do with it now? Do I just
forget about it? Please give me some advice. I feel like I can’t trust either
of them right now.
Secrets And Deceit Why would your
boyfriend’s best friend come to you now, SAD, so many months after the
Underwear Incident, and tell you this involved, incriminating, improbable story
and then swear you to secrecy? Either he’s gone rogue on your boyfriend and
made up all of this crap about the hooker in an effort to sabotage your
relationship, SAD, or he and your boyfriend are concerned that you’re onto them
and this is some bizarre effort to cover their tracks, i.e., to offer some
excuse for the sole piece of incriminating evidence that indicates they may be
something more than best friends. Fucking each other or not, your boyfriend’s best friend is fucking with your head, and you’re under no obligation to keep this conversation secret from your boyfriend - and your ass is more than covered by that “that depends.” Talk it out with your boyfriend, SAD, and tell him you want the truth. Is he bisexual - emphasizing that you can live with bi - or is he gay? Or is he really such a scumbag that he’d tag-team a hooker in your bed with his best friend? Give him a chance to come clean and/or come out. And if your gut tells you he’s lying, SAD, end it.
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Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
11.05.09
I’m a
20-year-old girl, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend, who is 23, for two years.
From the get-go, he has known that I am bi, and like most straight guys, he’s
happy to be with a girl who likes girls. The thing
is, I am too shy to go out and hit on a girl. Getting a man was the easy part,
but getting a girl who is willing to fuck around not only with me but also with
my boyfriend is a daunting task. I encourage my boyfriend to talk to women
since he is good eye candy. But I get kinda sorta
jealous when he actually goes and talks to other women. It’s a weird game that
gives me a headache. All I want is to satisfy my cravings for a woman - is that
too much to ask? Am I just being selfish? Why can’t girls just appear in my
bedroom? Crazy
About Girls Eternally
Because you’re not Logan, CAGE, and there’s no such
thing as the Circuit (www.tinyurl.com/cfj89d) - not yet, anyway, even if the internet kinda sorta comes close. If watching your boyfriend hit on girls - ostensibly
on your behalf - gives you a headache and makes you jealous, then you’re going
to have to learn to hit on girls yourself, CAGE, either in person or online.
And you might have more success landing a willing bisexual girl - a girl who’s
interested in you and your boyfriend - if you made the passes. Nice, sexually adventurous girls approached by
23-year-old pieces of male eye candy about two-girls/one-guy threesomes will assume
that it’s about Eye Candy’s fantasies, not the girlfriend’s. And if you’re
hanging back, looking uncomfortable, jealous, and headachy, even a girl who
might be up for a threesome is going to read reluctance into your demeanor,
presume your boyfriend is pressuring you, and politely decline. Or she’s going
to think you have the swine flu and decline. If you want pussy, CAGE, you’ll have to take the
lead. Remember: It’s okay to be geeky and inept and awkward when you’re hitting
on someone; some people think it’s cute, and smooth is overrated when it comes
to making passes. (Your boyfriend sounds pretty smooth - what has it gotten
you?) Practice a few cheesy lines, something direct and truthful, something
along the lines of, “We think you’re really hot, and we’ve always wanted to
have a threesome” - and just blurt it out at the next pretty, flirty girl who
crosses your paths. If you can’t do that, post personal ads online and flirt
via e-mail. There are a lot of couples online looking for thirds, CAGE, and
you’ll increase your odds of success if you offer to be a couple’s third in
exchange for the woman in the couple taking a turn as the third for you and
your boyfriend. Of course, that might make your boyfriend jealous - but it’s his turn, right?
I’m a straight
female in her early 20s, currently engaged to a handsome man three years older.
We’re very happy and we have a strong, healthy relationship, but lately I’ve
been worried about one question: Considering my limited previous sexual
experience (before him, it was oral only), is it still
possible to have a long, enjoyable sex life with him? I’ve gotten some
(well-intentioned, I’m sure) advice that suggests that we are both making
mistakes. I can’t have a satisfying sex life without being able to compare him
to anyone else, I’m told, and he’s making a huge mistake by pairing up with a
less experienced partner. I hope that the individuals telling me this are
wrong. I have
absolutely zero interest in opening up this relationship, and I do my best to
be GGG. He says I’m a great lover and a lot more confident in bed now compared
to when we first made love, but I want to improve. Still, I don’t want to find
out down the road that we made a mistake. Negligible
Experience With Boning
Are you happy? Is he happy? That’s all that matters.
Just keep those lines of communication open, NEWB, while you continue to
explore your sexualities together. And remind yourself every once in a while
that even the less experienced partner in a relationship is allowed to have likes
and dislikes, offer constructive criticisms, and make suggestions - and
sometimes demands. And anyone who is being GGG for her partner has every right to
expect GGG from her partner. Finally, tell the “friends” who’re offering you such unhelpful advice - tell those underminers - to go fuck themselves. Some people need to sleep around a bit before they realize what they like and whom they want. That’s not the case for everyone. And there are plenty of men and women out there in miserable, sexually dysfunctional marriages who met after both had plenty of experience.
I have a
small problem. My niece is 14, and the other day I met her boyfriend. He’s a
sweet boy, with double-pierced ears and amazing fashion sense. My niece fell
for him when she saw him sporting a pink jacket in the hallway of school, which
is, of course, the reason my niece likes him. What teenage girl wouldn’t want
someone to go shopping with? As a middle-aged homosexual myself, I can spot a
proto-queer a mile away. Needless to say, my sister loves the boy - he’s a
perfect gentleman. I’m inclined to let it be. They’re only 14; what harm could
it do? Then I worry, what if this goes on for years? I
don’t want her to get hurt. Then again, this boy could just grow up to be a
Felix Unger–type heterosexual. Any advice? A Caring
Loving Uncle
It’s comforting to think that your niece is safe
with this boy, seeing as he’s a perfect little gentleman now and likely to be a
perfect little pillow-chomping bottom when he grows up (or one of those rare
fashion-forward tops). But a study conducted by the University of British
Columbia found that gay and lesbian youth - closeted or otherwise - were more
likely to get pregnant/impregnate than their straight peers. Because nothing says “I’M NOT GAY!” like a knocked-up 14-year-old
girlfriend. So here’s what I’d do if I were you, ACLU: Pull the
boy aside for a chat. Begin with, “You seem like a nice kid,” and then let him
have it: “But if you get my niece pregnant, I will kill you.” Now pay attention
to the italicized bits in what comes next: “I’d rather you didn’t fuck her -
she’s 14, so are you - but if you need condoms or advice about anything, don’t hesitate
to ask. I
won’t repeat anything you ask me about to my sister. And don’t think I
won’t kick your ass just because I’m gay. I can and I will. Oh, and love the jacket - where did you get
it?” The boy will emerge from this harrowing chat aware
that his girlfriend has potentially violent family members who are watching out
for her - something all 14-year-old boyfriends should be made aware of - and
that he can confide in you, the involved gay uncle, privately and about anything.
It’s unlikely that he’ll seize the opportunity to come out to you, ACLU, and
it’s important that you accept the premise of his heterosexuality (however
improbable it might seem) before, during, and after your talk. You’ll be
nudging him in the direction of coming out to someone, at some point, by
setting an example, ACLU, while decreasing the odds that he will do real and
lasting harm - read: teen pregnancy - to your niece. As for breaking her heart, well… you can’t protect
her from that, and you shouldn’t bother to try. That’s what comes with being
14.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
10.29.09
I’m a 67-year-old woman, almost 68, who has been married four times - once
widowed (with three kids in their 40s who’ve turned out pretty well), divorced
three times. I recently met someone online: 48, a wealthy, educated man with
two boys, 12 and 14. He lives the cuckoldt lifestyle and is looking for a woman
to marry who would participate and enjoy this with him. He says he “craves and
needs” this lifestyle, and from what he’s said so far, the boys have been
trained from an early age to also live this lifestyle and would require that
the woman he marries include them in all ways.
I’ve done some research and think I could be quite happy being a
dominant. However, my concern is that he wants me to be sexual with the boys.
He says that at home they practice familial nudity. He also wants me to take
each one to a hotel on their respective birthdays (he doesn’t say at what age)
and take their virginities. He has also suggested that, once we are living together,
if I wake up horny I should go to one of the boys’ rooms and “grind my cunt
into his face and fuck the boy.” I think this is excessive and could traumatize
the boys. I don’t know if this type of extreme behavior is just fantasy for him
or if he is serious.
If I like this man after meeting him, I would consider this lifestyle,
but with boundaries where the boys are concerned. As the dominant, what I say
goes, no questions asked (he has agreed to this in a recent IM), but I think we
need to find a balance.
I’m interested in your thoughts on all of this. Thank you.
New To Cuckholdting
What do I
think? I’m thinking - and hoping and praying - that this letter is complete
bullshit. And I think I’m gonna go boil my laptop
after writing this response. And I think I’m tempted to forward your e-mail on
to the police. And I think I would do just that if I wasn’t convinced that this
man with whom you’ve been corresponding - assuming you exist, NTC - is just another creepy pervert furiously beating
off in front of a computer as he spins out his insanely creepy sexual fantasies
for a gullible online audience of one.
But two
details lead me to believe that there could actually be a four-times-married,
thrice-divorced, once-widowed moral bankrupt out there receiving e-mails and
IMs from a man who claims to be into “the cuckoldt lifestyle,” “familial
nudity,” and the sexual abuse of his adolescent children: your age and your
inability to spell “cuckold.” If a creep with child-rape fantasies wrote this
letter, NTC, you wouldn’t be 67 going on 68 with reservations. You would be 37
at the most with DD breasts, and you would’ve spelled cuckold correctly.
(Unless… sigh… the creep was into
intergenerational sex and lousy
spellers on top of everything else.)
Now: If
this man and his children exist, NTC, he’s abusing his children and they should
be removed from his home immediately. He’s scum, NTC, as is any woman who would
for a moment contemplate shacking up with this piece of shit. Because, again,
what your Interwebs friend describes is not the “cuckoldt lifestyle,” it’s the
rape and systematic sexual abuse of children. A man who is into cuckolding gets
off on his wife having consensual sex with other adult men, not his children;
a woman into cuckolding gets off on “cheating” on her husband with other adult
men, not her minor stepchildren.
Once
again for the record: I don’t think this guy is for real or that these kids
exist. I think some creepy pervert is sitting in front of a computer furiously
rubbing ’em out as he chats with you. Interacting with someone on the web who
believes that he’s telling the truth - someone who believes that he’s wealthy,
educated, and has two boys at home anxious to be sexually abused by a woman old
enough to be their grandmother - turns him on. And so he lurks online until he
lands someone gullible and morally bereft enough to buy in.
Okay!
Let’s end with a note about standards and practices here at Savage Love: I
typically change identifying details in a letter - exact ages, number of
divorces, number of children - lest someone inadvertently out themselves to
their family and friends. I didn’t do that in NTC’s case, because I’m praying
to God that - if NTC exists - one of
her children sees this letter and recognizes dear ol’ Mom. And if her kids are
reading: Hey, guys, it’s time to take Mom’s cars keys, credit cards, and
computer away. Dementia has set in, or Mom’s been demented all along. Either
way, she’s a danger to herself and others, and you might want to stage an
intervention before the criminal-justice system does.
I am in desperate need. I have been dating a guy for two years. We’re
both 25, and we love each other a lot. He’s sexy as hell (half Asian, quarter
Native, quarter black - he’s divine), we connect, he’s funny, upbeat, and honest. Unfortunately, we have a recurring fight (once or
twice a month), and I wonder if we will ever resolve this issue. He likes the
attention of other women. The fight goes like this: He will do something
borderline inappropriate with some chick right in front of me (most recently,
he had 30 consecutive drunk-posts on Facebook with some 19-year-old he met
through his roommate), and I will get pissed and hurt. I approach him calmly
and say that it feels disrespectful and I hope that one day we will come to an agreement
on this issue. He swears that it is all in my head and that I work myself up
over nothing. But he KNOWS it hurts my feelings, and my hurt is made worse
because he is disregarding my feelings. He usually gets mad, says he “didn’t do
anything wrong” and he “can’t talk to me anymore,” and then I won’t hear from
him for a day or so.
I have friends telling me that this is a deal breaker and that I am
being emotionally abused. I don’t know if I believe that - I think he just
needs to work on boundaries. I just had a “come to Jesus” talk with the boy,
and he still feels like he didn’t cross any lines and refuses to apologize. But
to make me feel guilty, he said he will “never post anything on another girl’s
Facebook page ever again.” That’s not what I wanted. Now my face hurts from
crying, and I want someone sane to tell me which way is up. Whose side are you
on? I would actually be happier if you told me that I was crazy and
controlling, because altering my own attitude is a lot easier than trying to
get through to him.
Pleeeeeease help.
Hurting In Oregon
Ah… a
nice, normal problem to cleanse the palate after the shit sandwich that opens
the column this week.
I’m not
on anyone’s side in this dispute, HIO. You sound like an insecure,
passive-aggressive guilt tripper, and the boyfriend sounds like an
inconsiderate flirt. You’ve been having the same fight twice a month for two years. Enough already. If the
sex, the connection, and his race-based divinity don’t compensate for the
flirting, end this relationship. If they do, HIO, stay with him - but only if
you can stop policing his interactions with other women and stop bitching about
the flirting to him, to your friends, and to me.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
10.22.09
I’m a straight
teenage male, but I can’t climax unless I am stimulating my anus or rectum. I
use various objects like cucumbers. The reason I don’t buy a toy is that I live
in a very religious household and my parents would disown me if they found a
sex toy in my room. I take a toilet
plunger and wrap the handle with toilet paper and tissues. Then I take a
plastic bag and put it over the top. After that, I wrap a rubber band around
the bottom part of the bag so it can’t slide off, lube it up, and fuck away! I
really like this: I can put the suction part on the floor, sit on the handle
part, and basically ride it while I use my hands to stroke my dick/balls.
For the love of God, ANUS, get your
hands and ass on an actual sex toy - they make dildos with suction-cup bases - before
you do some real damage to yourself. Your 10-step toilet-plunger-into-anal-sex-toy
plan is ingenious, I’ll admit, and your concern for the health of your family
is touching. But given a choice between explaining your masturbatory routine to
your parents because they found a dildo in your room or explaining it to them
because you wound up in an emergency room because your luck ran out and the
bleeding didn’t stop, ANUS, I hope you would opt for the former. If you’re worried about the
repercussions of discovery - such as being disowned - then hide the dildo someplace other than your room. Got siblings?
Hide your dildo in the room of your least favorite. If you’re an only child,
find a beat-up-looking box, a couple of porn magazines that predate your
family’s tenure in your home, and hide the box with the dildo and old mags in
the crawl space or a drop ceiling or the rafters. If your folks find it,
they’ll think it belonged to some perverted previous owner or tenant, not to
their straight-but-needs-anal-stimulation-to-climax son. A word to my fellow parents: If you
find a penetration toy hidden in your child’s room - why were you snooping? - do not freak the
fuck out, do not disown your kid, and do not discard the toy. Your child
probably went to great lengths to obtain that toy - teenagers can’t just walk
into sex shops - and he or she probably didn’t decide to run the risks of
obtaining and concealing a sex toy until he or she had a bad experience with an
improvised sex toy, e.g., plunger-related rectal bleeding, difficultly
retrieving a cucumber from the vaginal canal. If you make a scene and take the
toy, your child may not acquire another - but your child’s experiments with
insertion will continue. He or she will just go back to using produce (swiped
from the fridge for use, then returned to
the fridge after use) or plunger handles or worse.
My boyfriend always
goes soft after he penetrates me. He’s come in me only a handful of times - and
I’m a bottom! When it comes to oral, he doesn’t have trouble staying hard. Even
more curious: The guy is only 21! Can someone that young really have “erectile
dysfunction”? We’ve tried cock rings, and they don’t help: He can keep his
hard-on for a little longer (enough time to get inside me without getting
soft), but it doesn’t take long for him to get soft again. Dan, what do you
think is going on? He’ll be super-hard when I’m sucking him off, then I’ll
start jerking him a bit, then he’ll get inside me, and then a very short while
later he’s soft. Is there anything we can do? Does he have ED? Lover Is Missing
Poundings
Your boyfriend is hard during oral
sex and when you jerk his cock, LIMP, and only loses his erection when he’s in
your ass or about to go in. Hmm. That doesn’t sound like ED to me - there’s no
such thing as “act-specific ED” - but more like YBDLAS, or “your boyfriend
doesn’t like anal sex.”
When I bottom for my
BF, if he can’t get it in right away, he goes flaccid. What can I do?
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
10.15.09
10.08.09
My partner and I have a dilemma.
We’re a straight couple. Our lives and finances are
intertwined, and we are already essentially living as a married couple. Now we
want to hold a ceremony with family and friends to make public the commitment
we’ve already made privately. That said, we are in favor of marriage equality
and are considering joining the marriage boycott (www.unmarried.org) until DOMA
is repealed and every state allows gay marriage.
Our friends and family say we should get married and
fight for equality “from the other side of the fence.” On the other hand, a
number of the people in attendance at our wedding would not have access to the
rights we’d be signing up for, and that feels unfair to us.
We’d like to know what you think. Is boycotting
legal marriage a worthwhile statement for straight couples to make? Or do you
think we should put gay-rights groups on our registry and fight for marriage
equality as a married couple?
Hoping To Render Change
Funny you should ask, HTRC,
as last weekend the boyfriend-in-America/husband-in-Canada and I attended the
wedding of some dear straight friends. We weren’t the only same-sex couple at
the wedding; there were “a number of people in attendance [without] access to
the rights” our straight friends were signing up for.
All us homos at the wedding
were delighted to be there and deliriously happy for our friends, and not one
of us would’ve asked them to wait to marry until gay marriage is legal in all
50 states - something that isn’t going to happen until 2024 at the earliest,
according to number-crunchin’ superstar political blogger Nate Silver
(tinyurl.com/cn58xy). That’s when Silver predicts that the final holdout -
Mississippi - will finally legalize same-sex marriage.
Here’s what I think you
should do, HTRC: get married, make a donation to the fight for marriage
equality, and encourage your guests to do the same. And, hey, are you guys
getting married in the next four weeks? Because there’s a ballot measure in
Maine that would strip same-sex couples in that state of their newly won right
to wed. Help protect marriage equality in Maine by making a donation - right
now - at www.protectmaineequality.org. And religious bigots in Washington
State, where I live, are attempting to repeal a domestic-partnership law at the
ballot box. Protect the rights of same-sex couples in Washington by making a
donation - right now - at www.approvereferendum71.org.
And in addition to throwing
some money around, HTRC, I think you should consider lifting one of the
readings from my friends’ ceremony.
“Marriage is a vital social
institution,” the reading began. “The exclusive commitment of two individuals
to each other nurtures love and mutual support. Civil marriage is at once a
deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public
celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and
family. Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection
that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution and
the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of
self-definition.”
So touching, so true, and
so universal - who could argue with those sentiments? Everyone at the wedding
was nodding. And the reading continued…
“It is undoubtedly for
these concrete reasons, as well as for its intimately personal significance,
that civil marriage has long been termed a ‘civil right.’ Without the right to
choose to marry, one is excluded from the full range of human experience.”
After the reading - which
was done by a gay friend of the couple - the officiant identified the source:
It was from the 2003 Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court decision that
legalized same-sex marriage in that state. It was a lovely gesture: The gay
couples at the wedding were touched and the hetero couples were reminded of the
injustice that gay couples face. It would be wonderful if this passage from the
Massachusetts court’s ruling on marriage equality caught on as a wedding
reading, HTRC. The gay people in the pews will be touched, and with any luck,
any straight guests who oppose marriage equality will take a moment to
reconsider their positions. At the very least, they’ll know where the bride and
groom stand.
I’m a high-school student, gay, but whenever someone
asks me, I lie and say I’m not. I feel like I’m ashamed of who I am and that
I’m dishonoring every openly gay person. But I don’t know what else to do. Most
of the other students at my school use the words “gay” and “faggot” in a
derogatory way. I’ve only been in high school for four weeks, and I’m not sure
how they would react. What should I do? Should I come out?
Gay Boy Seeking Serious Help
“I’m a big fan of telling
people what to do (just ask my poor boyfriend), but coming out is a deeply
personal decision, one you’re going to have to negotiate yourself,” says Benoit
Denizet-Lewis, who wrote a cover story for the New York Times Magazine about gay kids
coming out in middle school.
“With that said, here’s
what you should do. First, the fact that you’re worrying about ‘dishonoring
every gay person’ speaks volumes about your character and tells me that you
have a heart and a conscience, both of which will serve you well in your life
as an openly gay man. Second, consider coming out first to an adult you trust
(a school counselor, your gay uncle). Third, try to come out to one friend,
preferably one who loves the show Glee. Having a peer ally is critical to your
mental health. Finally, when you do come out to your parents, just be sure
you’re not in a moving vehicle.”
Denizet-Lewis’s first book, America
Anonymous, is out now, and it’s pretty genius. But for the record: I do not
love the show Glee.
Greetings from Portland, Oregon. Our fair city is
totally overflowing with cute, young, scruffy boys. Which is awesome, of
course, for gay guys like me. The only problem is, it seems like a
disproportionate number of these boys are, well, boys without dicks - trans
guys. Seems like every dance party, every art-fag event, is packed with non-bio
boys. But where are all the trans girls? None of my lesbo friends talk about
all the new trans girls running around town.
I know that this could strictly be region-specific,
but it seems to be a bigger issue. Why is it that the butch girls all seem to
become dudes, yet so few of the femme boys identify as women?
GGG In PDX
I’m just theorizing here:
There seem to be fewer MTFs out there than FTMs, and the MTFs who are out there
mostly seem to have been straight-identified before their transitions (they
were with women), unlike most FTMs, who seem, for the most part, to have been
lesbian-identified before their transitions. So MTFs weren’t integrated into the queer
community prior to their transitions the same way FTMs were before theirs.
Confused? Me too.
So MTFs are less likely to
frequent places - bars, clubs, art-fag events - where you, a gay guy, might
encounter them.
As for why there are so many
trans guys in Portland, GGGIPDX, trans guys clump up for the same reasons other
sexual minorities do. It’s not just about safety in numbers - although it’s
partly that - but also about the romantic odds. The more trans guys in one
place, the more trans guys there are to date; and the more trans guys in one
place, the likelier non-trans guys and girls are to meet, get to know, and
perhaps consider dating trans guys.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every
Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
10.01.09
About a month ago, I got drunk and slept with my
friend’s girlfriend. (He’s not my best friend, more of a second-tier friend.)
We both swore never to tell anyone and left it at that. Only problem is, we’ve
been hanging out a lot lately and sending private messages to each other
multiple times a day, but nothing physical. It’s progressed to the point that
our mutual friends are starting to notice that there’s something going on
between the lady and me. And, frankly, if someone I was dating were doing what
she is doing, I’d consider it cheating.
Things came to a head a few nights ago when we ended
up skinny-dipping and then showering together. We are obviously infatuated. We
had a long talk about what to do: We are really into each other, but there are
issues. For starters, she would have to break up with her boyfriend, something
she would do in theory, but there are housing issues (she lives with him) and
friendship issues (her best friend is his best friend’s lady). Furthermore, I’m
scared not only of getting beat to hell by her man, but of getting shunned by
all of my friends for stealing another man’s girl.
Everything is interconnected in the most fucked-up
ways possible. I’m wondering if there is any way out of this with the desired
result for everyone: the lady and I together, friends understanding of the
situation, and her boyfriend not totally destroyed. I still like her boyfriend
as a friend and a guy, and I don’t want to crush him with a pre-winter breakup
(it gets real lonely here in the winter).
Fucked In Madison
As “the lady” is not a
wallet, a car, or a crusty old cum sock, FIM, you can’t “steal her” from a
second-tier friend or anyone else. She is a free and autonomous individual; her
affections are hers to award and hers to rescind. And as it’s the lady who
would be doing the dumping here, FIM, you wouldn’t be crushing your second-tier
friend with a pre-winter breakup, she would.
Let’s not overestimate your
importance in the little lady’s drama, FIM. I’m sure you’re a lovely person,
you’re a great fuck, and that you look good in the shower, etc., but you are
only evidence that her relationship isn’t long for this world, FIM, you are not the reason it
isn’t. This breakup was in the cards before you and that fateful drunken night.
Your appearance on the scene may have given her an incentive to end a
relationship that needed to end - and end sooner rather than later - but the
relationship was doomed before you drunkenly banged the (shitfaced) lady.
In other words: You’re just
a symptom, FIM, don’t flatter yourself by imagining you’re the disease.
That said, FIM, her friends
and future ex-boyfriend may very well blame you when the breakup comes. The
only way to avoid looking bad/culpable/responsible in their eyes - and get the
girl without the beating - is to inform the lady that you’re into her and want
to be with her, but that you can’t see her until she’s free and clear. No more
hanging out, no more texting, no more skinny-dipping, no more showering
together until she’s officially single and available.
Two of my closest friends, a straight couple,
recently got engaged. As an engagement present, my female friend would like to
include me in their sex life, potentially for just one evening or perhaps for
longer. She and I have had a few make-out sessions while her fiancé watched,
and I am somewhat turned on by the idea of taking our escapades further. But
there’s a catch: I’m currently seeing someone who says he doesn’t consider
hypothetical situations like this to be “cheating” but would probably be
uncomfortable if I actually did this for my friends. Should I tell my friends I
can’t go any further out of respect for his feelings, or tell him that the
situation is no longer hypothetical and risk making him uncomfortable, or help
my friends out on the condition that it only happens once and not tell him at
all?
Toying With A Third
Well aren’t you the
selfless little people-pleaser, TWAT. You’re willing to sleep with this couple
- maybe once, maybe weekly - even though you’re only “somewhat turned on by the idea.” But if
you “did this for [your] friends” -
if you condescended to help them out - what do you tell the man you’re currently seeing? You
could tell him the truth, of course, which would be the right thing, the
responsible thing, the ethical thing - but that might make him uncomfortable,
poor dear. So you hesitate. Oh, not out of selfish desire to avoid an awkward
conversation, of course, just out of an overabundance of concern for his
feelings.
Sorry, TWAT, since your
boyfriend has already given you his hypothetical okay to get with your friends,
there’s no way to justify making an engagement present of yourself without
informing him in advance. And let’s be honest, shall we? Your reluctance to
inform the boyfriend isn’t about a selfless desire to spare his feelings, but
your cowardly desire to avoid an awkward conversation and - if he balks at this
hypothetical becoming a reality - a potentially relationship-ending
conversation.
But before you can be
honest with the boyfriend, TWAT, you’re going to need to be honest with
yourself. Repeat after me: “Honey, remember that couple, my insanely hot
friends? They’ve asked me to have a three-way with them and I want to so bad my
ovaries are throbbing - that cool with you?”
I’m a GGG 30-year-old straight male who was quite
pleased with your response a while back to a woman who asked if her husband was
gay since he enjoyed some stereotypically gay things. You told her that
enjoying “gay” things doesn’t make a person gay. If a guy likes to get fucked
in the ass by a dude, then he might be gay, you said. I’ve never been attracted
to men, but I have always been ridiculed by friends and girlfriends for liking
“gay” things, so much so that I began to wonder if I might be gay. Reading your
advice was just the confidence boost I needed.
But then I let a girlfriend “experiment” on my ass.
What started out as a kink with her finger has turned into a full-blown fetish
with her dildo (non-penis-shaped). I wondered if this might be a sign, so I
tried masturbating to some gay porn. Not for me. I still don’t have any desire
to be with a man sexually, Dan, but I LOVE having my ass pounded. Does that tip
the scales toward homo?
Doing Rear Entry Weekly
No homo, DREW.
Once again: If a man and a woman
are doing it - whatever it is - it’s a heterosexual sex act. It doesn’t matter
who’s on top, who’s wearing the lingerie, who’s being penetrated, or whether
the dildo is penis-shaped or Glenn Beck–shaped. If a girl is doing it
with/to a boy, it’s
heterosexual sex. Gay people can have heterosexual sex, of course, and most
gay people have straight sex before coming out. (Gay guys have straight sex in
high school like straight guys have gay sex in prison: under duress.) But the
relevant question, DREW, isn’t “How gay is this ass-fucking experiment?” but
“What’s going through my mind during this ass-fucking experiment?”
When I fucked girls, I
secretly wished/pretended they were boys. So worry about what’s going on in
your head, DREW, and not what’s going on in your ass.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net. 09.24.09 You
are known far and wide as an arbiter of all aspects of sex and especially
definitions of sex, so we are hoping that you can give your definitive opinion
on an interesting conundrum.
Did
she have sex?
Now,
I think any time you have an orgasm you’ve had sex, and if someone else is
present, even if they’re clothed, you definitely had sex. My wife’s view is
that since he never got his clothes off and she never saw his cock, she really
didn’t have sex. We would like your opinion on this.
Definition
Essential For Intensely Novel Experience
Let’s say you and I met in a bar, DEFINE, while
the wife was out of town, and we hit it off. And let’s say I took you home,
stripped you naked, made out with you, sucked your dick, ate your ass, spanked
you, tossed you in a sling, fist-fucked you, and then - with my right arm
buried up to my elbow in your ass - slowly stroked you with my left hand until
you blew a massive load all over your stomach, chest, and face.
Your wife clearly regrets going to that guy’s
room; she regretted the moment she came, just as you would probably regret
going home with me. These feelings prompt her to round this experience down to
Not Sex, to minimize it, to exclude it from her sexual history on a
technicality: He didn’t get naked; she didn’t get fucked. Your wife can attempt
to rationalize away the sex she had in that dorm, DEFINE, but she had sex with
that guy - and that guy’s vibrator - whether she wants to admit it or not.
I’m
writing to you to let you know that a huge fan and reader of your column has
been in a coma since Saturday, September 5. He had a bad motorcycle accident
and has a severe brain injury. His name is Jon Broom, and he’s my boyfriend,
the love of my life, and my best friend. Even though he still hasn’t woken up,
I’ve been reading your columns out loud to him so that he never misses one. I
know you’re a busy man, but I thought I’d take a chance and ask if you could
pass on his Facebook support group at “Get Well Jon” in one of your columns
(www.tinyurl.com/m3ngc3). I think it would be
awesome for him to look back and see your column when he wakes up and is able
to function again.
Penny
Kim
Oh, Penny, I’m so sorry. Best wishes for a full
and speedy recovery. If you’re on Facebook - and who isn’t? - please join Jon’s
support group.
I
just had to share with you my first reaction at reading this headline: “Santorum
dips toes in 2012 Iowa waters.” My first thought was “Ewwww,” followed quickly
by “Is that even possible?” After all, santorum is something that is dipped
into, not something that can dip. And then I remembered that before “santorum”
meant santorum it actually designated a person, a senator. But it took me a few
seconds.
Congratulations
on a job well done. I expect I am not the only one who had this moment of
cognitive dissonance upon reading this headline.
A
Faithful Reader
Ben Smith at Politico reported last Tuesday
that Republican former U.S. senator Rick Santorum plans to run for president.
Political Wire linked to Smith’s post and added that “Santorum has a serious
Google problem.” Truthdig linked to Political Wire’s post and spelled out
Santorum’s Google problem: “The former senator’s
rampant homophobia inspired sex columnist Dan Savage to launch a campaign to
usurp the conservative’s name. The result: If you type ‘Santorum’ into Google,
you’ll find that it refers not to a former senator, but ‘that frothy
mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.’”
From uppercase Santorum making the news with
the announcement that he intends to run (runs?) for president to the full
definition of lowercase santorum - in
just three steps.
“Maybe it’s time to start
updating SpreadingSantorum.com again,” writes Savage Love reader P.B., “now
that Rick is running for president.”
I couldn’t agree more, P.B., but I’m a busy guy
these days. Back when I was writing for SpreadingSantorum.com, I had only the
column on my plate. Now I blog every day at thestranger.com/slog, I do a weekly
podcast, I’ve got a bad case of talking headism, and I’m working on another
stupid book. So I just don’t have the time to give SpreadingSantorum.com the
attention it needs.
But maybe some Savage Love readers do?
If SpreadingSantorum.com is going to remain
Google’s top hit when you search “santorum” - and it should - then the site
needs to come back to life. So I’m looking for a few folks who want to torment
Rick Santorum by following every twist and turn of his sure-to-be-disastrous
run for the White House on SpreadingSantorum.com. (I may dip in every once in a
while and post myself.) It would be helpful if one of the people posting to
SpreadingSantorum.com was in Iowa, and it couldn’t hurt to have someone in New
Hampshire, but you don’t have to live in either of those states. It would be
labor of love - read: a nonpaying gig - but you’ll have the satisfaction of
knowing that you’re driving Rick Santorum and his supporters absolutely batshit
(batshittier?).
Find the Savage Lovecast (my
weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
09.17.09
My boyfriend and I
have been living together for a year. He knows I am an insecure person when it
comes to my body. I’m not overweight, I’ve been told my whole life how
good-looking I am, and my boyfriend tells me he loves my body. We have an
active and interesting sex life. Here is my problem: I get upset when he looks
at porn. I never had a problem with porn until my previous boyfriend (he
preferred porn to sex). I’ve been uncomfortable about porn ever since. I wish I
could get over this. My boyfriend knows I would love to share pornography
together, but he just does it in private.
I suppose I got upset
initially because my boyfriend told me on several occasions that he didn’t need
to look at porn while he was in a relationship, and I believed him. I later saw
on our computer that this wasn’t true, and he kept denying it until we had an
argument. It bothers me that he felt like he had to lie about it.
Any help or ideas
would be greatly appreciated to help me get over this.
Feeling Fucking
Frustrated
P.S. When I’m alone
and I look at the porn my boyfriend watches on the computer, it does turn me on
a little and I masturbate thinking about him getting off to it. But I feel bad
after I’m done. WTF?
The usual porn de la concorde - the only porn compromise that works - goes like this: He pretends not to look at porn, out of consideration for your feelings, and you pretend to believe him, out of consideration for his. And I would stick that advice on a pike and parade it under your window if it weren’t for that amazing little postscript: You’re turned on when you check out the porn your boyfriend’s been watching, and - this is a very important detail - you masturbate not so much to the porn itself but to the idea that this porn is getting your boyfriend off when you’re not around.
WTF? This the fuck: Your erotic imagination has been hard at work, FFF, breaking down your sexual fears and insecurities - about your looks, about porn, about your douchebag ex-boyfriend - and reconstructing them as a fetish. Congratulations, FFF, you’ve got a kink. It’s not an uncommon response: Sometimes our subconscious mind takes the lemons of our sexual insecurities and turns them into delicious bonerade. So what do you do now? You should begin to explore and cultivate - slowly, carefully, thoughtfully - your subconscious mind’s efforts to eroticize your boyfriend’s porn habits and your own insecurities. Here’s how:
He may never want to look at porn with you - he’s obviously self-conscious about it, which is why he lied (maybe he had a bad experience with an ex who freaked out about his porn-viewing habits that left him feeling insecure?) - but you’ve already proven that you two don’t have to watch porn together for both of you to get something out of it. He should continue to get off watching porn alone but then intentionally leave the clips for you, perhaps in a dedicated folder. You should look at those clips - alone - and get off watching the porn he watched and tormenting yourself - carefully - with mental images of him getting off to this stuff. Delete the clips you’ve looked at so that he knows you’re getting off, too, and knows to refill your clips folder.
You can turn this problem that you’re having with your boyfriend - he’s looking at porn, you’re masturbating about it - into a game you’re playing with your boyfriend. That will give your insecurities an erotic payoff - and that payoff could alleviate or eliminate those bad and abandoned feelings.
I have been in a
stable poly relationship for 20 years. A good friend of mine knows this but
rejects poly as a lifestyle choice for himself. He is
in a “monogamous” relationship now. But he is willing to cheat on his
girlfriend - with me if I wanted, but I’m not keen. My question is this: Why
would someone pick cheating when they know about open or poly relationships? I
don’t understand. I don’t see the logic in it.
Honest Open Poly Eros
Isn’t it obvious? Your friend wants to have sex with other people, HOPE, but he doesn’t want his girlfriend having sex with other people. What I don’t understand is why an honest poly can be friendly with a dishonest cheater. That’s like an out gay person being friends with a tormented closet case - where’s the logic in that?
And this has nothing to do with your question, HOPE, but I’ve got a little space to kill: The Bell Shoals Baptist Church in Brandon, Florida, made the news last week when its pastor replaced the megachurch’s 10 Pepsi vending machines with 10 Coke machines. The pastor felt that Pepsi was far too supportive of - can you guess? - “the gay lifestyle.”
What I found most remarkable about this story wasn’t the stupidity - more on that in a moment - but the fact that a single church in Florida has 10 soda-pop vending machines. Ten! You would think the good Christians at Bell Shoals could make it through an hour or two on a Sunday without a cold can of corn syrup.
And psst… Bell Shoals? Coke supports gay rights, too. Your best gay-hatin’ soda-pop option may be ZamZam Cola. It was a subsidiary of Pepsi, true, but that was before the Islamic Revolution. Made in Iran, ZamZam Cola is the most popular soft drink in Saudi Arabia, and I’m guessing the good folks at ZamZam don’t like the gays any more than you do. But if the “soft drink of the Hajj” doesn’t appeal to you, Bell Shoals, how about asking your parishioners to go without soda pop for an hour a week?
I’ve been in a
relationship with my boyfriend for the last five years, and we moved in
together this past year. Our sex life is not too active and it’s an issue we’ve
discussed numerous times. This has caused my self-esteem to plummet. And this
aspect of our problem has made me very resentful: We’re very into D/s play and
discovered our kinky interests early on. In fact, any time I bend him over and
spank him or add a bit of bondage, our sex life picks right up again. I resent
the fact that this is the only way I can get him interested. Is it possible
that he’s only interested in kinky sex? Does it mean that good old-fashioned
vanilla is out of the question?
I enjoy kink just as
much as he does and sometimes more, but every once in a while I just want to be
fucked. He’s actually had difficulty staying hard before if we’re “just” having
missionary.
He Only Likes It
Kinky
You have leverage here, HOLIK, use it.
The next time you wanna get fucked good and vanilla, HOLIK, whisper in the boyfriend’s ear that you are so gonna tie him up and beat his ass… tomorrow night. Then tell him if he wants that - and tell him that you know he wants it because he’s a dirty little pervert - he’s going to have to fuck you right now, and fuck you hard, and fuck you the way you wanna be fucked. Then once he’s fucking you, HOLIK, whisper something vaguely threatening in his ear once in a while - something about the beating he’s earning with his good vanilla behavior - and he won’t have any trouble staying hard.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at
thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.
09.10.09
As a 43-year-old
single gay guy, I recently had my first spanking experience and am now feeling
extreme guilt and self-loathing. I was in a very long-term vanilla relationship
for most of my adult life and never got to experience anything remotely kinky,
but I’ve had an interest in it.
Long story short, I
answered an online personal ad, went to this guy’s house, and let him paddle me
(he had a lot of spanking equipment). I quickly blew and quickly left. There
was no sex other than me jerking myself while getting hit. Now I feel just
awful. It’s not the spanking itself, but rather the anonymous nature of what I
did. This type of hookup is just not my thing, as I am used to sex in the
context of a loving, committed relationship. I honestly feel like I’ve let
myself down, like I dropped my standards, and I fear I’m sliding down that
slippery slope into a life of anonymous, kinky encounters. I’ve never wanted to
be one of “those guys.” I know that sounds judgmental, but it’s how I feel and
it’s killing me.
Right now I can’t
eat, I can’t sleep, and I feel like puking all the time. I can’t talk to any of
my friends about this - I’m too embarrassed. Please help put my mind at ease.
Please tell me if getting spanked with a hand and paddles is risky for any
sexually transmitted infections. Also, what can I do to deal with this guilt? I
swear I’m not exaggerating here, and I really do need someone to talk to about
this.
Shouldn’t Want
Anonymous Thrashings
There’s no way you contracted a sexually transmitted infection during that spanking session, SWAT, so just calm the fuck down, okay?
Now…
You lived a little, SWAT, you had a little sexual adventure, you took a very short walk on the mild side of the wild side. And you learned something important about yourself in the process: Just having your kink indulged isn’t enough. You need your kink indulged in the context of a loving, committed relationship. You want to be spanked by someone you love and who loves you. That’s just how you’re wired. And luckily for you, there are lots of good, decent, quality guys out there who are into spanking and interested in loving, committed relationships.
Don’t believe me?
You’re one of those guys, SWAT. You are living proof that a guy can be relationship material and also be into spanking. Put yourself out there, put your kink out there, and you’ll meet other guys just like you.
I want a human pet.
The human pet must become a dog. Once in pup mode, my pet will wear a butt-plug
tail, a collar, and paw mitts. My pet will not speak anything other than its
assigned safe word. Its communications will be limited to barking, moaning,
licking, wagging its tail, etc. The whole point is that, when done right, there
is a dog shaped like a human but the shape is the only thing that isn’t dog
about my pet. The pet becomes so completely a dog that I wonder if it is
bestiality to have sex with my dog/human pet.
Future Dog Lover
“Can vegans swallow?” used to be both the most annoying question and the most frequently asked question in the sex-advice business. Now it’s just the most frequently asked.
Some people consider their pets to be “members of the family,” but there’s nothing incestuous about fucking your dog. There’s something sick and wrong about it, of course, but it’s not incest. Similarly, a human pretending to be a dog is still a human, FDL, so having sex with your dog/human pet isn’t bestiality and never will be. I hope that doesn’t ruin it for you.
I’m a 19-year-old
bisexual female, and my current girlfriend and I have been together about three
months. She is pressuring me to come out to my family. I still live at home
with my VERY Catholic parents, and I’m not in a good enough financial position
to move out. If I were to come out to them, I would want ample distance between
us and I wouldn’t want to be depending on them for a dwelling, school payments,
auto insurance, etc. My girlfriend and I get along great, we are having a lot
of fun together, and I wouldn’t want to lose her. But she says that she can’t
be with me if I am ashamed of our relationship. I just don’t know what to do.
Am I being a total cunt for hiding our relationship from my family? Or is she
the total cunt?
Comfortable Living In
Temporary Secrecy
She’s the cunt, CLITS, totally.
The reasons you’ve given her for not coming out to your family right this minute - fear of being retaliated against financially, fear of losing your home, fear of derailing your education - are not only legit, CLITS, they’re the only legit reasons to postpone coming out to your family. Unless your girlfriend can feed you, clothe you, house you, and cover your tuition, she shouldn’t be pressuring you to risk your future for the sake of a three-month relationship.
Finally, CLITS, it seems to me that the last thing a young lady with a pair of controlling assholes for parents needs is a controlling asshole for a girlfriend. Just sayin’.
Does asexuality
actually exist? My partner’s younger brother claims to be asexual, but I think
he’s just a maladjusted little shit and that he’s intimidated by the thought of
sex. Your thoughts?
The Sister-In-Law
Asexuality must exist, TSIL, seeing as it has its own homepage - www.asexuality.org - where you can read this:
“Asexual people have the same
emotional needs as anyone else, and like [those] in the sexual community we
vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on
their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people
have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and
seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual
people as we are to date each other.”
I’ll probably be accused of
asexophobia for suggesting that asexuals who date “sexual people” are obligated
to disclose their asexuality preferably on the first date and certainly no
later than the third date. Asexuals may have the same emotional needs as anyone
else, but most of us sexuals - heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals - expect
to have our emotional and sexual needs met in our “intimate romantic
relationships,” thanks, and we’re going to want to know if that’s not in the
cards before we get involved, not after. Someone who is incapable of meeting a sexual’s
needs has no business dating a sexual in the first place, if you ask me. At the
very least, asexuality must be disclosed. And I’m still trying to wrap my head
around this:
“Figuring out how to flirt, to be
intimate, or to be monogamous in nonsexual relationships can be challenging…”
Um… since monogamy is understood to
mean sexual exclusivity - you don’t fuck other people - I’m not sure how you
define monogamy in a sexless relationship. Does your asexual partner promise
not to not fuck other people?
As for your brother-in-law, TSIL, I don’t see what his asexuality and/or hang-ups have to do with you. If you’re prying into your BIL’s sex life, TSIL, I’d say he’s not the only maladjusted little shit in the family.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at
thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.
09.03.09
I love my boyfriend
of three years, but I fucked up. We’ve had our ups and downs - he broke up with
me for two months last summer because he said he was “young and needs to feel
free” - but we’ve always worked through things. He is super supportive of me, and we’ve both really
grown a lot as people together. But despite the affection and love, I just
don’t feel wanted. I don’t feel like he wants to fuck my brains out like he used to. In
fact, he rarely does, even when I try to initiate sex. Over the last six
months, I’ve struggled with depression and not feeling sexy, and not feeling
wanted is making both things worse. Last year, we talked about opening up our
relationship, but I wasn’t really comfortable with it.
Long story short, I
went to visit a friend in another city who lives practically next door to a
former fling of mine from four years ago, and I ended up fooling around with
the former fling. It wasn’t full sex, but it was highly inappropriate. And yet…
it felt so good to be wanted so badly.
I feel like a
terrible person for so many reasons. I told my boyfriend - he didn’t respond
emotionally, and after 45 minutes he got up and left and said he would call me
when he knew how he felt. I want him to forgive me, but I have a feeling he
can’t. I don’t want to cause him any more pain than I already have, but I have
no idea how to do that. Do I give him space? Do I go on with my life?
Self-Loathing
Unfaithful Tramp
Go on with your life, SLUT. Suicide seems a little drastic, given the circumstances, so let’s not open a vein over this.
It seems to me that the boyfriend was causing you a great deal of pain before you caused him pain. He has essentially rejected you again and again - the time he broke things off so he could “feel free” (what are you, a cage?) and the many times he’s rejected you sexually and made you feel unwanted. Your sexual and emotional needs were not being met, and you succumbed to the attentions of a man who made you feel wanted. And that was unfortunate, SLUT, but it wasn’t entirely your fault. If the boyfriend wasn’t sending you the mother of all mixed signals - doesn’t want to leave you, doesn’t want to fuck you - you would have been either single and free to fool around on that trip or not at all interested in fooling around because you were getting what you needed at home.
So feel a little bad about what you did - you were technically involved with someone else when you messed around with that former fling - but don’t feel too bad. This relationship needed to end; it wasn’t making either of you happy. Think of it this way: You slammed your car into a brick wall and totaled the thing. But it was a lemon, SLUT, and now you’re free to get yourself a new ride.
I have been
considering becoming a woman. But the straight women I have talked to about
this are very reluctant to assist me in my transition from being male to being
female. I am wondering if you think that lesbians might be more open-minded in
assisting me in my transition.
Gender Identity
Readjustment Looming
You’re considering becoming a woman - that’s wonderful, GIRL, very interesting, very compelling stuff, always a special time in a man’s life. But it’s not like you’re rushing a sorority; current members - the straight women you’ve approached, the lesbians you’re thinking about approaching - are not obligated to answer your questions, offer you assistance, host a tea, or take even the slightest interest in your transition. Find a support group for MTFs, GIRL, and you’ll find plenty of women - longtime members and new pledges - interested in hearing about your journey. But leave the women you meet in the normal course of your life - straight women and lesbians who are not your friends - alone.
There have to be
people out there, walking among us, who enjoy having
sex with those stretched earlobe holes, right? The first cook to be kicked off
the new season of Top
Chef had her
lobes stretched around what looked like rims from P. Diddy’s ride. I’m writing
for confirmation that this “community” exists.
Happy With Seven
Holes
As a general rule, HWSH, if it can be fucked, someone out there somewhere is fucking it, has fucked it, is about to fuck it, and has already posted videos of them fucking it on XTube. Not every hole gets a “community,” HWSH, but every hole gets its fair share.
My hubby wants to do
anal for my first time, him fucking me, and that’s fine - but I’m only going to
let him do it after he eats his own goo! Standoff! We’ve been married 17 years,
and I think it would be hot! He thinks not! I say fair trade! I go down on him
after he puts it in me sometimes, so I know how I taste! Am I the only woman
who has ever asked her husband to eat his goo?!?
He is willing,
finally, because he really, really wants to get into my ass. But was it wrong
for me to ask? Am I a freak?!? I’ve asked around, and
all my girls think I’m crazy and that it’s a bad sign about our relationship!
But we’ve got two great kids and we love each other and we have a really happy
life! I just want to see my hubby eat his goo! My girls tell me I must be
trying to make him gay! Nope! I just figured if he gets something he wants, I
get something I want! Am I a freak?!? Please help!!!
Tell me I am not a freak! Tell me others write about this!
You are respected in
our household, and my husband will hear your answer because I intend to read it
to him!!!
Great Oozing Orgasms
You’re a freak, GOO - not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. As for the particulars…
You made granting your consent to fulfill his fantasy contingent upon his consenting to fulfill yours. That was manipulative and unfair of you, GOO, but it was also pretty freaking hot, just the kind of good-natured, give-and-take-no-prisoners power play that keeps the sex interesting after 17 years of marriage. And I don’t just say that as a fan of goo-eating generally - you might have gotten a “yes” quicker if you didn’t insist on calling it “goo” - but as a fan of sexual adventures and pushing boundaries.
You set a bar for the husband to clear, GOO, but you didn’t set it too high or impossibly high. You weren’t asking him to let you fuck his ass first, fair but more challenging, or to swallow some other dude’s load, unfair and extremely challenging. You didn’t ask him to do something he absolutely, positively couldn’t do, and you didn’t ask him to do something you haven’t done yourself (swallow his loads, taste your own juices).
Finally, there’s nothing gay about a guy eating his own come - unless, of course, he’s eating it off some other guy.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at
thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.
08.27.09
There was a letter in
your column recently that must have been painful for you to receive. I refer to
the letter signed God Hates You. I’m sure you’re no stranger to hate mail,
being an openly gay sex-advice columnist, but I hope you get fan mail too. But
just in case: I wanted you to know that your column means a lot to me, and I
love your bluntness, openness, and honesty. It is comforting to see a
pragmatic, funny, and, for the most part, compassionate voice in print
nowadays, especially when it comes to something that so many are as willfully
ignorant about as sex.
You Do Good Work
A lot of people wrote in after reading GHY’s letter. Most wanted to reassure me that God does not, in fact, hate me. And most, like YDGW here, assumed that GHY’s letter must have hurt my feelings. I want to thank everyone for your kind words - and I mean that sincerely - but someone telling me that God hates me is about as hurtful as someone telling that the Blue Fairy thinks I look fat in these jeans. (“Really? She does? Thanks, I really needed to hear that - now I’m gonna go sit on the other side of the subway car and silently ask the Blue Fairy for fashion guidance, okay?”)
As for fan mail, YDGW, I get my fair share. But I don’t typically run fan letters because I’ve found better ways to pleasure myself. I am, however, going to make an exception this week and run a few letters from satisfied Savage Love customers. Not because I like having sunshine blown up my ass - I prefer to have other things blown up my ass, thanks - but because we know GHY is out there reading, and I’m thinking letters from people who’ve found my advice useful will annoy him way more than letters from people who wanted to let me know that God loves me. So this one’s for you, GHY…
I am a 21-year-old
straight girl, and I wanted to thank you. Reading your column and listening to
your podcast over the years has made my sex and love life so much better than
it ever could have been without your fantastic advice. It gave me the courage
to tell my partner about my interest in BDSM and to be really GGG when he
shared his fantasies with me. I’ve recommended your column and podcast to
friends having relationship and sex troubles, and they all come back to tell me
how much your advice helped them. I wanted to thank you on behalf of shy girls
everywhere who secretly want to be tied up and spanked.
Eternally Grateful
I owe you a
thank-you. Since I began reading your column over a year ago, I have realized
my sexual desires are not perverse (and if they are, certainly nothing to be
ashamed of) and began talking with my girlfriend about experimenting with them.
As such, the two of us have moved on from anal-sex toys and are now about to
embark on full-on pegging. She’s as excited about it as I am, and we wouldn’t
have gotten to such a level of sexual satisfaction if not for the work you do.
I’ll be thinking of you while my girlfriend bangs my hot ass!
A Devoted Reader
Thanks for your
advice about the “death grip” and the damage males can do when they grip
themselves too tightly while masturbating. I had that problem: At age 48, a
lifetime of death grip left me incapable of coming during regular intercourse.
I have never had an orgasm with a partner from intercourse or oral or anal sex
(my orientation is hetero). I carefully followed your advice and lightened my
touch and started using my left hand (I’m right-handed) to provide the lighter
stimulation that you advised. Any time I was tempted to revert to the death
grip, I squeezed my thumb and index finger together, forming a ring without
contracting it. This managed to fool my death-grip conditioning without
increasing the pressure on my penis. It took a while, but now I’m able to come
from lighter stimulation! Thank you!
Beautiful Orgasms
Beat Odds
I started reading
your column toward the end of my sophomore year of high school, which was about
a year after I started hooking up with girls. I was immediately drawn to it
because your “moral code” is based on common sense. That, and it was about sex
and I was a sophomore.
I tend to be
insecure, and I tend to tell the wrong joke at the wrong time. The one area in
my life where I’m not insecure, however, is in the bedroom, and it’s almost
entirely thanks to your column. I’ll kick myself repeatedly for saying the
wrong thing to a girl, but if I don’t perform to the best of my abilities one
night, I can let it go. I’ve learned what my boundaries are and how to push
them. I knew that not being 100 percent straight doesn’t make you bi or gay, so
there was no identity crisis when I questioned my sexuality. Most importantly,
I know how to ask and I know how to give.
Thanks, Dan. If
politicians want to get serious about reducing the amount of abortions, teenage
pregnancies, and divorces in this country, they should hire you to draw up a
national sex-ed curriculum.
Grateful Straight Boy
Thank you for saying
some kind words about “conveniently located and economically priced sex
workers” in your column. I agree that they deserve more gratitude and respect.
In my case, I am a successful, decent-looking professional and a widower with
three kids. I don’t have any trouble getting dates. However, in my experience,
dates either turn into relationships that I don’t have time for or long
conversations that I don’t have time for about how I don’t have time for a
relationship. So once every couple months or so, I see a professional. I don’t
have to feel bad that I may not see her again, and I don’t get accused of
misleading anyone. I would like to tell your readers that they shouldn’t feel
bad if they are seeing pros. They should enjoy it for what it is, which is a
great time with a pretty girl and well worth the money.
Prefers Sex Workers
I had been reading
your column for years, and each time you told someone to DTMFA - dump the
motherfucker already! - I wondered why the people sending those sad letters
needed your advice at all. Couldn’t they see that they were miserable? Then one
day I had an epiphany and realized, while reading your column, that I could
have authored one of those DTMFA letters.
It’s now three years
since I dumped the motherfucker. I got a transfer within my company and started
over in a new city. It was overwhelming. But this weekend, I was lying in bed
with my new boyfriend and I was thinking about my life. It is so NICE to have
someone who isn’t horrified that I like porn, someone who listens to my
fantasies and likes to try new things. Someone who appreciates my cooking,
doesn’t pout when I beat him at video games, and tells me I’m beautiful.
I want to thank you.
I was in denial, and your column was my wake-up call. I’m happier now than I
ever thought possible.
Content Lady In Toronto
You’re welcome, one and all. Next
week, back to the screaming, yelling, recriminations, freaks, fetishes, and
fuckwits.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net. 08.20.09
I just turned 20 and have been out of the
closet for a year. A lesbian friend wants to hook me up with her gay friend,
let’s call him Kyle, a cute, fit boy who runs track and does theater. The issue
is, he’s just 17 and starting his senior year in high
school, while I am entering my junior year in college. The age of consent where
we live is 16. I realize the age difference is not too big, but he is
technically still a minor. I’m only mildly experienced (I’ve had just one
boyfriend), and I’d like to think I’m a nice guy. Also, the gay pickings are
rather slim around here.
Are there certain things to keep in mind
besides the usual respect and honesty, or should I treat this as any other
potential meeting? Does the “campsite” rule apply with such a small age gap?
Man In Need Of Recommendation
Meet the
boy.
If you
hit it off, MINOR, it would be a shame if you didn’t allow Kyle to benefit from
your wisdom, experience, and cock just because he wasn’t born 12 months
earlier. And if you start going steady - which is what kids used to do before
hooking up ruined everything - and he’s out to his family, I would urge you to
meet his parents. They might not be entirely comfortable with their son’s sexuality,
and meeting the college boy who’s boning their son might be awkward. But if you
go out of your way to reassure them about your intentions toward their son -
above and beyond boning - they may feel a bit more at ease about the
relationship.
As for the
campsite rule - “leave him in better shape than you found him” - others have
pointed out that the rule should apply regardless of age, sexuality, species,
etc. I agree, of course, but I still believe that older, wiser, and more
experienced partners have a special responsibility to leave their sex partners
in better shape than they found them and should be encouraged to make a special
effort.
I’m 35, gay, and in a six-year
relationship. My husband - not really, here in Tennessee, but I call him that
anyway - is 38, and we have a great relationship. We have been monogamous up
till now but are open to inviting select others into our bed. This was prompted
by a friend we recently made whom we both find attractive and who has expressed
an interest in us both. He is 24, cute, and just starting out in Gaydom. We
don’t expect anything long-term, just a nice, mellow friend-with-benefits
scenario.
Any suggestions as to issues we might
want to discuss up front?
Good Gay Guys
Tell the
24-year-old not to expect anything long-term, GGG, and let him know that while
you will be treating him like a piece of meat, you will also be treating him
like a human being. Make sure he understands that his presence in your lives -
and your bed - is meant to be fun and temporary. You two get to spice it up
with some strange; he gets to benefit from your wisdom, experience, and cocks.
And tell him that while he’ll have a blast with you two, he shouldn’t pass on a
date with a potential boyfriend, should one appear on the scene - but so long
as you three are friends-with-benefiting-it-up, you would like to be informed
about any other sexual contacts he might have.
Then
show him the ropes, teach him about sexual safety, encourage him to open up to
you guys about anything he’s ever wanted to try, help him find his place in
Gaydom, and when it comes to an end - as it will and should - make an effort to
remain friends.
I am a gay male. A couple of months ago, I
developed a friendship with a gay married couple. We hit it off great - I really
enjoy their company. Then they took me aside and “invited” me into their
marriage, and so now I’m in one of those “polyamorous” groups. I have never
been in one before.
I thought I would be able to open myself
up to both of them, but for some reason I can’t seem to feel love for them both
at the same time. I’ve always seen myself as a strict-monogamy kind of guy. I
thought a three-way would be fun, but when I’m with two guys, I feel like I’m
just a piece of meat. I am probably not making much sense, but I would like
some advice, if you could, please. I feel inadequate because I can’t feel
comfortable in this relationship.
Feel Like A Prude
So…
after knowing you for two months, this couple essentially proposed to you, inviting
you “into their marriage,” and you accepted. Hmm. Exit this
marriage at once, FLAP. Not because you’re a
prude - clearly you’re open to trying new things - but because at two months,
they were idiots to propose and you were an idiot to accept.
Backing
up: Trying something and not liking it doesn’t mean that you’re a prude, FLAP,
it only means that “it” either wasn’t for you or that you tried “it” with the
wrong person(s). I suspect the latter in this case. If these guys, after two
months, had invited you to hang out with them, to roll around with them, to
drop by twice a week for a leisurely spit roasting, I suspect you would’ve had
a better experience, FLAP. Inviting you over to be treated like a piece of meat
- and a human being - would’ve been honest. All you could really be at two
months is a piece of meat and a friend-with-benefits; you couldn’t be a husband
and in love with both of them equally. Their unreasonable expectations, and
your attempt to live up to them, ruined what could’ve been a nice little
affair.
I’m a gay dude who has been trying to find
an all-natural and organic lube. The only one my hubby and I liked was a brand
called Bliss, but alas, they stopped making it. When I try to look online or at
the local co-op, the only all-natural sex lubricants I can find all say
something to the effect of “closest possible to a woman’s natural vaginal
fluids.” I have two problems with this. Problem number one: eeewwwww. Problem
number two: When I have sampled these just-like-vaginal-fluids lubes, they seem
very thin. A healthy bout of anal sex needs something with a bit more
viscosity. Is there an all-natural lube out there that doesn’t quickly dry out
and washes off easily? Some friends keep suggesting vegetable oils, but I don’t
want to have to wash off my junk with Dawn after sex.
Lubing Up Butts Environmentally Safely
“Not
that vaginal juices are eeewwwww-ey,” says Rachel Venning, cofounder of
Babeland, one of my favorite sex-toy shops. “But I don’t want a jar of them on
my nightstand either. I want something that stays slick longer, like packaged
lube.”
Babeland
makes its own organic lube, a water-based lube called Naked that’s thick,
latex-safe, and good for butt play. “It comes in totally ungendered, nonplastic
packaging,” Venning adds, making it perfect for squeamish-about-girl-bits fags
like you and me, LUBES. “Another new brand of organic lube to try is Sliguid
Organics Gel. There is a teeny-tiny women’s symbol in the logo, but if that
isn’t too much of a turnoff for this man-loving man, it’s good stuff.”
Vegetable oils aren’t condom-safe, of course, but if you and your partner are
seroconcordant and having anal sex with only each other, Venning suggested
“some natural unguent from the beauty aisle - shea-butter balm or the like. Not
as slippery as lube but lasts longer.”
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly
podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
Do you think post-op
transgender people have any obligation to tell their lovers they were once the
other sex?
On The Fence
Yes.
I’m
in my 40s and straight. My wife of nine years is no longer interested in sex.
Period. She relents every few weeks, but it’s never enjoyable for either of us.
As a result, I haven’t had a blowjob in about eight years, I can’t touch her
beautiful tits, kissing is without tongue, and our rare sex is missionary and
in the dark. I’m miserable.
I
believe she’s depressed. She refuses to get help, saying that if only I would
do this or that, she would be more willing. But I do this and that, and she’s
still not interested. After a lot of talking, she suggested that I find a
girlfriend for sex. However, she set conditions that were unrealistic: She
wanted to meet and approve of her before I slept with her; and I could only see
this other person late at night, with the wife’s permission, which would only
be granted after ALL other family obligations were satisfied (kids in bed,
bills paid, trash taken out, etc.). I preferred a “don’t ask, don’t tell”
approach. She then withdrew the idea entirely. I proceeded to meet and sleep
with several different women anyway, and I am now seeing one regularly. Sex is
enjoyable again.
My
question: I know that people would say I am cheating on my wife, but am I wrong
to feel just as cheated by her?
Need
Some Answers
No.
You are a terrible person
who shouldn’t be allowed to give advice to anyone about anything. Whose idea
was it to give an asshole faggot like you an advice column, anyway? You’re a
stupid piece of shit who doesn’t know anything about
sex or the human heart, and you will regret everything you’ve ever done and
every word you’ve ever written once you die and have to stand before your
Creator.
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