05.27.10
Where can a straight guy find a
transsexual woman who is NOT a hooker and just wants to be friends (with
benefits)? I know of one club where they hang, but they are mostly hookers
there. I would like to go someplace where I could meet one and see if we could
hit it off and go from there. I know they are out there, but I just can’t find
them! Help a brother out! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!
Lonely Tranny Lover
If what you’re looking for is a transsexual
who’ll allow you to fuck her - or who’ll fuck you - but who won’t require you
to have an actual relationship with her, LTL, then you’ll have to pay some nice
woman for her time and her emotional distress, like all the other
straight guys out there into MTFs. Why do they have to pay? Because, LTL, it’s kinda shredding to sexually service someone who’s
embarrassed to be seen in public with you. Just ask any openly gay man dating a
closet case and/or a Catholic priest, or any BBW sleeping with a man who’s
married to a rail-thin trophy wife he isn’t physically attracted to. Someone
who puts up with that kind of bullshit - “You blow me, I blow you off” - should
be compensated for her time, pain, and suffering.
It’s nice that you’re willing to be friends
with the transsexual you’re fucking, LTL - that puts you above most
straight-identified men who are into trans women. But most
trans women, hookers or not, want more than that. They want love,
companionship, intimacy, and a commitment - you know, all that shit non-trans
women want. Be open to an actual relationship, LTL, and you’ll have an easier
time finding a non-pro who’s open to you.
I’m a 24-year-old straight female in a
relationship. The sex is great, except for one thing: My boyfriend is so
fucking quiet while we are having sex. No words, no moans, a stone-cold facial
expression. I know he is enjoying himself because he always comes and he
initiates sex as often as I do. However, his stoic demeanor makes it hard for
me to really get into stuff that isn’t directly pleasurable for me. It’s hard
to be motivated to choke on someone’s cock when they look and act like they
can’t even feel anything.
I’ve mentioned this to him several times
after sex, and he just laughs it off and then says something like, “Do you
expect me to scream like a girl?” I’ve told him that that’s not at all what I
expect. I just want some sign of life! One time, I purposely remained
completely silent during an orgasm, like he does, and he became very
self-conscious. He didn’t believe me when I told him I came, and I asked him
how he likes it when I’m quiet. He thought this was funny, and then things went
back to normal.
Why is he so quiet? What can I do?
We’re Not In The Library
Stop treating this like it’s a problem,
WNITL, even if you experience it that way, and start treating it like a
challenge and a game.
Give him a blowjob, choke on that cock, bring
him right to the edge, then pull his cock out of your mouth and say, “Do you
like that? Are you close? You want me to keep going?” Then look up at him and
slowly stroke his cock - not fast enough to get him off, but not so slowly that
you’ll have to start that blowjob all over again - and wait for his response.
When he says something, put his dick goes back in your mouth. When he stops
talking, his dick comes back out. Or if he’s fucking you and he’s getting
close, wrap your legs around his ass and pull him in and hold him there so he
can’t thrust. Then say, “Feel good? Getting close? Wanna finish?” Don’t let him
budge until he talks; don’t let him continue if he stops talking.
Be playfully, sexily confrontational, WNITL,
and you’ll be able to extract the feedback you want during sex while helping
him get over his insecurities about how men are supposed to act during sex.
My boyfriend/fiancé likes to be put in a
cage, and we have a very scary-looking cage in my closet. (God help me if my
mother ever finds it - I’ll be in more trouble than that guy whose mother found
his life-size sex doll!) His biggest turn-on is to come home on Friday night,
go right into his cage, and for me to keep him there until Sunday morning. I
only let him out if he needs to have a bowel movement or if I want to screw.
(There’s a bottle of water in his cage if he gets thirsty and an empty bottle
if he needs to pee, and he doesn’t get fed much because he’s not exactly
burning calories in there.)
I’ve been reading your column since I
was 19 (I’m 27 now), I’m GGG, and I’m happy to do this for my boyfriend. And
knowing he’s in there waiting for me - and doing crunches to pass the time (you
should see his abs!) - does make me horny, too. The issue: I won’t leave our
apartment when he’s locked up. What if there’s a fire? Or we get burgled? Or if there’s a meteor strike? Or a
terrorist attack? He says I’m being paranoid and that it really turns
him on to know that I’m out with my girlfriends, having drinks or whatever,
while he’s locked up in my closet “with the rest of my things.” Who’s in the
right here?
My Boyfriend Is My Prisoner
P.S. Our only other conflict: He
insisted we find a place with two closets, one of them walk-in, because he
wants to be stored in my closet, not a shared closet, “with the rest of my
things.” (That phrase really turns him on - he’s one of my things!) We passed
on some beautiful apartments because the closets weren’t perfect, and my mom -
who helped with the down payment and apartment-shopped with us - thought we
were crazy. If only she knew!
You’re in the right, MBIMP. If there’s a fire
or a robbery or meteor strike - or if you get hit by a car and wind up in a
coma for three months and he slowly starves to death in your apartment - then
you could go to jail for manslaughter and/or negligent homicide. So that fiancé
thing of yours shouldn’t be left alone when he’s in his cage; no one should
ever be left alone tied-up and/or imprisoned. If he insists on you going out on
a cage weekend, MBIMP, then you’ll have to hire a sitter - bondage, not baby.
Take out a personal ad, lay out what you need (someone
to be there, in case something happens, but that’s all), and very, very
carefully interview applicants. Better yet, get involved with your local BDSM
group, make some kinky friends, and see if anyone is up for a little
bondagesitting.
Or, hey, you can live a little dangerously:
Give your boyfriend a cell phone, don’t go far, and instruct your prisoner to
call if he smells smoke while he’s doing his crunches.
A PROGRAMMING NOTE: Lots of folks have asked me
where my iPhone app is. Well, I didn’t have one - until now. The Savage Love
iPhone app has been submitted to Apple. Will they accept it? Or will it be too
porny for Steve Jobs? Stay tuned. In the meantime, you can still find a new Savage
Lovecast (my weekly podcast) at thestranger.com/savage every Tuesday.
05.20.10
One of my best friends
at college is gay. I’m a straight female and I’m in a committed relationship
with my own boyfriend. We’re going to be sophomores in the fall, and I feel
like this is about the age where coming out to one’s parents is in order.
However, my friend’s parents are incredibly conservative. His older brother is
also gay - and when he came out, his parents immediately cut off all funding
for college and excommunicated him from the family, so my friend is
understandably terrified.
When his parents come
into town to visit, I am sometimes asked to tag along on “dates” with him to
“meet the parents.” It’s a free meal, so it’s mostly cool with me, but it feels
a little dirty to lie so blatantly to his mom and dad about how “in love” we
are.
Moreover, my friend
is coming to my house in California this summer. I had said I would love for
him to come visit - as a friend. But his parents think he’s going to be staying
with his girlfriend, and they’re thinking of tagging along so they can finally
meet their future in-laws, i.e., MY PARENTS. I feel like this is getting way
out of hand, and I’m not sure what to do. My friend is also feeling more and
more cornered. How far should we take this act?
I Should Win An Oscar
When you feel bad about lying,
ISWAO, remind yourself that you’re doing a good deed - you’re doing God’s work
- every time you pass yourself off as this boy’s girlfriend. Yes, you’re lying to his mean-spirited, emotionally abusive parents, two
complete shits who deserve so much worse than simply being misled.
When they excommunicated their
older son after he came out, they essentially put their younger son, your
friend, on notice: The consequences of telling the truth would be severe. So he
lies to them because - for the time being - he must.
You should ask him to do three
things to secure your continued cooperation in this deception. First, he has to
make a solemn promise that he will come out to his parents the day after he
graduates. Second, he has to reach out to his excommunicated brother and, if
his brother can be trusted to keep his secret, he has to come out to his
brother. Third, he has to break up with you at the end of the school year.
The course of true love never did
run smooth, as someone or other once said, so a painfully messy June breakup
with his college girlfriend - right before summer break! - not only makes your friend’s Potemkin heterosexuality that much more credible, it
also gets you off the hook for this ill-advised summer visit. Then when
September rolls around, ISWAO, you two crazy kids get back together. Repeat as
necessary, i.e., be “on again” every once in a while when his parents are in
town, be “off again” when your parents are in town, over summer breaks,
holidays, etc.
And help him look around for his
next girlfriend - perhaps a lesbian student with similarly batshit parents - because
he can’t expect you to be his beard for your entire college career.
I am a gay male
teenager. I have not yet come out to my parents (I plan to soon), but my
friends know. I’m curious why I relate more easily to my straight friends and
am increasingly uncomfortable with my gay friends. Specifically, I have a
lesbian friend who often makes jokes about “how gay I am.” When she makes these
statements, I am often offended. In your opinion, are statements like that
offensive (even considering the source)? Or am I still uncomfortable with
myself? I am not shy, but I will admit that extreme campiness makes me
uncomfortable.
Your opinion on this
matter would mean a lot to me.
Lost And
Disillusioned
It’s good to have a sense of humor
about yourself, LAD, whether you’re gay or straight or bi or whatever. Shrug
off your lesbian friend’s comments if they’re not funny, laugh along with her
if they are.
As for your preference for your
straight friends: There are a lot more openly straight kids in your life than
there are openly gay kids. That means you’re drawing your straight friends from
a much larger pool and you’re able to be more selective about the straight
people you hang out with. Right now, you can’t afford to be as selective when
it comes to gay friends because (1) most gay kids your age aren’t out and (2)
gays and lesbians are a tiny percentage of the population and you won’t meet
lots of us until you get to one of those places where gays and lesbians clump up,
i.e., large universities and big cities. Then you’ll be able to forge
friendships with gays and lesbians whom you have something in common with
besides your sexuality.
In the meantime, LAD, don’t write
off all gays and lesbians everywhere as potential friends just because the few
you had to choose from as a teenager weren’t among your best friends.
I need your help. I
have entered into a period of my life where I am devoting all my mental
resources toward my academics - grad school - and am not interested in dating.
Thus, I bought a Real Doll so that I may enjoy fantastic masturbation during
this loveless period of my life. Unfortunately, while my parents were visiting,
my mom discovered it and she reacted very, very badly.
You see, my dear mother is a feminist.
She is very upset by
the doll and believes that it is an indication that I have lost all respect for
women. I honestly do not feel this is true at all. I view myself as a feminist,
and I realize this society sexually objectifies women. But I also believe that
I can masturbate with a rubber woman and have wild fantasies and then come back
to reality and have respect for everyone - men, women, others. My mother,
however, is extremely upset, and we haven’t been able to have a civil
conversation since. I am hoping you can possibly give me some perspective on
this matter.
Dolled Up
My perspective: Your masturbatory
routines - including your masturbatory aids/aides - are none of your mother’s
fucking business. And if your mother wants to be shocked by something, DU, it
ought to be that her son-the-grad-student had $5K to plunk down on a sex toy.
Your options at this stage are
pretty limited. You can apologize to your mother and tell her what she wants to
hear (“You’re right, Mom, what was I thinking? I’m making an appointment with a
therapist now, Mom. I’m donating my Real Doll to sex-starved grad students in
Africa…”). Or you can tell your mother to fuck off and butt out (“It’s my dick,
Mom, and I’ll stick it in whatever I want. You remember that ‘my body, my
choice’ stuff, right?”).
That said, DU, your claim that you
bought a Real Doll so you could “enjoy fantastic masturbation during this
loveless period of my life” doesn’t quite pass the
smell-of-day-old-spunk-moldering-in-the-lifeless-orifice-of-a-silicone-dummy
test. Most guys manage to tough out their loveless periods with the help of the
porn industry, their own right hand, and real, live sex workers. And most guys
who opt for insanely expensive, life-size, hard-to-hide sex dolls do have
issues with women - most are plagued by feelings of inadequacy, not superiority
- so you may want to entertain the possibility that your mother might be right.
But even if you do have issues with
women - and that’s still an if - they’re still none of
your mother’s fucking business.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly
podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
05.13.10
I’m a mostly gay male
with a boyfriend who is also mostly gay. We are into BDSM - we are both tops
and sometimes play with other sub men. I say we are “mostly” gay because we do
like to fuck/top submissive women once in a while. We haven’t done this a lot,
and never together because we don’t have the same taste in women - until
recently. One of our new neighbors, a straight female, is very shy, but she’s opened up to us
about her interest in BDSM. We took her to a play party, and she was okay
watching others play, but any time anyone expressed an interest in her, she
clammed up and withdrew. She stayed at our side the entire time.
We are interested in
propositioning her. Our dilemma is in how to approach someone so gun-shy. We
want to seduce her into the experience and not make her uncomfortable, but we
can’t agree as to how to go about it. Another issue is that we think the reason
she has been so open with us is because she assumes we are both 100 percent
gay.
Two Guys And A Girl
Toy
She meets two guys who live
together, have presumably noisy BDSM sex with each other and other men, and
identify themselves as gay. I’m sure you can appreciate why, under the
circumstances, your neighbor might assume you two were gay, right? And that
assumption convinced her it was safe to open up to you guys about her sexual
interests - interests that are clearly scaring the shit out of her for the
moment - because she further assumed, entirely reasonably, that you guys didn’t
wanna stick your dicks in her.
The sooner you come clean, the
likelier you are to get into her pants, mouth, ass, twat, etc. Do not attempt to be seductive. Putting
the moves on her now could transform a minor and perhaps unwitting violation of
her trust into a relationship-ending violation. Instead, just be, um, straight
with her: “We should’ve said something sooner, [her name here], but we’re both
actually bi, and we thought you should know that. And we also wanted you to
know that we’re both attracted to you and, hey, if you want to explore any of
this stuff that you’re curious about with us, we’d be up for that. If not,
we’re happy to keep being your kinky, gay-identified, completely platonic
buddies.”
I read with interest
the letter from the guy who hacked his ex-girlfriend’s e-mail and discovered
that she had been cheating on him. I am in a similar situation, if a little
more messed-up. I am a single, thirtysomething female who has been having a
long-term affair with a married man. We have one rule: We tell one another if
and when we fool around with other people. About a year ago, I discovered
another affair he was involved in while he was out of the country, which he failed
to disclose to me. I discovered it because he left his e-mail unattended. He
was not apologetic, and I ended up being the one who begged for forgiveness for
invading his privacy. He did, however, promise to end his relationship with the
woman overseas. I recently discovered that he has struck up a fresh
correspondence with this same woman. I gained this knowledge by invading his
privacy again - this time by outright hacking his e-mail - but he also betrayed
me, and he needs to be held accountable.
You are probably
wondering why I am not just cutting this guy out of my life. We have amazing
sex and enjoy the same kinks. It is difficult to find someone trustworthy to
engage in these activities with. But how can I trust anything he says anymore?
I really want to call him on this. He broke our rules. Do you think I am out of
line in confronting him?
Mistress Is Pissed
According to the “Mistress, whining
about being cheated on” listing in the Association of American Advice
Columnists’ Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual of Staggeringly Self-Serving Bullshit, I’m supposed to slap the
shit out of you, MIP. The DSM instructs me to respond to letters like yours
with something like this: “Your lover is cheating on his wife with you, you dumb piece of shit, and
you’re shocked to learn that he’s cheating on you, too?” That strikes me as a
little harsh. So I’ll go with this instead: You can’t expect a guy to take your rules more seriously than he
takes his vows.
As for confronting him: The last
time you confronted him about another other-woman, MIP, you wound up begging
for his forgiveness. So let’s skip the confrontation and accept reality: Unless
you’re willing to walk away from the amazing sex, unless you’re willing to dump
the motherfucker, he’s going to go on cheating on you and lying to you about
it, rules or no rules. He won’t disclose when he’s messing around with other
other-women, MIP, because it’s not just the sex that turns him on. Sneaking around, getting away with it, deceiving you
and his wife and his other other-women - all of that gives him a feeling of
power and control, and those feelings are as, or more, important to him than
the orgasms. Accept it or get out.
I have a question and
don’t know who else to ask: I need support under my
scrotum in order to ejaculate. I am 52 years old, and this condition has gotten
worse as I have gotten older. When I am having intercourse, I need a position
that supports or raises my scrotum, and when I masturbate, I need to put
something under it. Is this okay? Is there a solution to make coming during
intercourse easier?
This Old Scrote
Before I touch on your sack, TOS,
I’d like to briefly - very briefly - touch on George Rekers’s.
Rekers is a towering figure in the
religious right. He’s the cofounder of the Family Research Council; a member of
the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality, a group
that claims it can cure homosexuality; and the go-to guy for “expert” testimony
about how gay people threaten and endanger children. And last week, Rekers got
busted coming back from a 10-day European vacation with a 20-year-old male
escort he found on Rentboy.com. Rekers told two reporters from the Miami New Times that he “can’t lift
luggage,” so what other choice did he have but to hire a 20-year-old with an
eight-inch cock?
To mark the downfall of yet another
crazy and hypocritical closet case, I propose that “whatever floats your boat”
be immediately permanently retired in favor of “whatever lifts your luggage.”
This will be George “Rentboy” Rekers’s legacy, his lexi-colonic gift to the
English language. Help spread the meme.
Back to you, TOS: First, talk about
this with a doc - get your sack examined and your prostate checked. If there’s
nothing medically wrong, rest assured there’s nothing wrong. Some guys have
large, loose sacks and sensitive balls, and the slap, slap, slap of intercourse
or masturbation can be uncomfortable, and lifting your luggage spares you the
slap, slap, slap. Alternately, TOS, let’s not forget that your dick, balls,
sack, and taint compose one big erogenous zone. Lifting your luggage may
provide you with a little bit of extra ball/sack/taint stimulation, added
stimulation that helps put you over the top, and naturally you rely on that zap
more at 52 than you did at 32. So instead of viewing your need for a ball lift
as a problem that needs solving, why not view ball support as the solution to a problem. Or to put it
another way…
Whatever lifts your luggage, TOS,
whatever lifts your luggage.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly
podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
05.06.10
I am a 28-year-old,
post-op transsexual woman. I met a great 31-year-old guy. We have been dating
for a year, and he recently told me that he didn’t think he was sure he was in
love with me. He said that he didn’t know if he could give me any sort of
commitment, that he is afraid of what his peers would think if they knew my
medical past. I can’t say that I’m sure I’m in love with him either, but I do
know that we thoroughly enjoy each other’s company and miss each other
immensely when we are not together. However, he asked to take a step back and
reevaluate the relationship.
I transitioned in my
late teenage years. I blend in very well, and few people know that I am trans.
I am like any other woman in that I want a husband and children, and he says he
wants a wife and kids. I asked him a few days ago if he could give me an answer
as to whether I should move on or if he wanted me to wait. He couldn’t give me
an answer. I have my own life. I am a full-time student training to become a
nurse. I made time for him because he became important to me, but am I beating
a dead horse here?
Transitions And
Crossroads
You enjoy spending time together,
you miss each other when you’re apart, you want similar things (commitment,
kids) - that sure sounds like love to me. And if it’s not quite love, TAC, it’s
close enough to round up to love.
A (longish) aside: The way many
people in long-term relationships talk about their relationships - the way I
sometimes talk about mine - can do a real disservice to the single and/or
dating. The further the early stages of an LTR recede into the past, the
likelier the coupled are to blithely toss off bullshit like “Oh, I knew the
minute I met him/her that he/she was the one. I was sure.” In reality, of
course, we didn’t know, we weren’t sure, we had doubts, insecurities, issues,
etc.
Truth is, no one in a successful LTR knew for sure that it was true and lasting love
until it lasted. And after the passage of time proves that we bet on the right
person, we stuff those early doubts, insecurities, and issues down the ol’
memory hole and start telling people how “sure” we were right from the start.
(For the record: There are lots of smug married people out there yammering on
about how “sure” they were right from the start who have divorce proceedings in
their futures.)
Anyway: There are too many smugly
coupled-up people out there paying our partners - and ourselves - the false
compliment of a backdated certainty. And that would be fine if single people
within earshot weren’t forced to listen to our smug bullshit, some of whom go
home thinking, “Well, this person I’m seeing - this person I enjoy spending
time with, this person I miss terribly when we’re apart - she must not be ‘the
one’ because… I’m not sure.”
Back to you, TAC: I’m glad you have
a life and goals, TAC, because that will make it easier to do what you must. Go
and tell this guy that there are no sure things, but
that you’re as confident as a person can be that you two are a match. (But he’s
not your only potential match - just as no one is really “sure,” no one is “the
one,” only one of many potential possible ones.) Then tell him you’re not going
to wait forever while he “reevaluates” and stresses out about things that
neither of you can control. And finish by telling him to give you a call when
he’s ready to make at least a mini-commitment: going steady, on a track toward
engagement and ultimately marriage and (adopted) children.
Then - and this is the most important
part - go back to living your life, TAC, go back to school and career goals.
Move on without waiting for him to tell you to move on. Don’t call him, don’t
e-mail him, don’t text him. Don’t pass up other dating opportunities in the
hopes that he’ll get his shit together. If you’re still
single if and when he calls, great. See him again. If not, well, it’s
his loss.
I’m a twentysomething
freelancer, and I have a barter relationship with a facility that lets me work
there for free. I’ve become friends with the guys who run the facility.
Recently, one of my girlfriend’s best friends had sex with one of these guys a
few times. I recently found out that one time, postcoitus, he secretly filmed
my girlfriend’s friend naked using his iPhone. He’s shown the video to a few
mutual friends but didn’t tell me or show me.
I think this is some
super-vile shit, and I’m horrified that someone I considered a friend would be
such an asshole. I’d like to tell him how I feel about this, but at the same
time, I can’t afford for my relationship with him to sour. I’ve heard that he
deleted the video, so maybe what my girlfriend’s
friend doesn’t know can’t hurt her. One potentially pertinent piece of
information is that my girlfriend’s first sex partner secretly filmed her and showed
it to everyone in her high school, and it scarred her. I think she would be
SUPER upset to find out about what this guy did to her friend. I want to do the
right thing here, but it’s not obvious what that is. Help!
Video Is Defining
Ethical Obligations
What your friend did to your
girlfriend’s friend is vile, VIDEO, potentially illegal, and - most importantly
- not a very nice way to treat someone who was kind enough to fuck his brains
out.
You do have to do something, VIDEO,
but your options aren’t limited to either beating him nearly to death with a
baseball bat or beating him all the way to death with a baseball bat. It’s
possible to confront someone in a friendly-ish way, employing a tone that at
once communicates your affections for him even as you chide him for doing
something that undermined those affections.
“Dude, I heard about that little
video,” you say to him, perhaps over a drink. “And I was glad to hear you
deleted it - you did delete it, right? - because that’s a shitty thing to do and you’re not a shitty guy. It’s also an illegal
thing to do, and people have gotten busted for doing that kind of shit. Be
careful, man, you could really fuck up your life.”
If you can tamp down your righteous
fury long enough to put it to him that way, VIDEO, and you will have reinforced
what should be communitywide/specieswide social norms - no dirty pictures or
videos without the consent of all involved - without nuking your professional
relationship with the guy. Good luck.
My roommate and I
were wondering why the “tech savvy” youth who work on your podcast are “at
risk.” He says your podcast is a community-service program for at-risk kids; I
say that they’re at risk working for a sex columnist. Which is it? We would
call, but we live in Canada.
Canadian Fans
There are no phones in Canada?
One or two TSARY are on
work-release programs or doing community service, CF, but it’s the 90 minutes
they spend with me every week that represents their primary risk. It’s not that
I would put the moves on any of them - I’m a stickler about personal hygiene - it’s
just that they come in for rather more advice, most of it unsolicited, than the
average Savage Lovecast listener.
Find the Savage Lovecast every
Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
04.29.10
I read the letter from the woman who had
cheated on her ex and now wants to patch it up. I have a similar situation,
except it was my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me. We’d been living together for
a few years - we were engaged - and then she suddenly moved out “temporarily”
to “work out some issues,” then dumped me several weeks later for trumped-up
reasons.
So I went into her e-mail to find out
WTF had happened and learned about the paramour, when she actually started
fucking him, and so on. Even though she was a lying, cheating whore in any
objective sense, I do feel bad about violating her privacy. Well, she was
furious and basically hates my guts now, more than a year later. I reached out
once around six months ago via e-mail, but got shot down. I just want to
forgive and be forgiven.
Can’t Think Of Anything Clever
You are a huge pussy, CTOAC - excuse me, sorry.
Pussies are powerful; they can take pummeling and spit out a brand-new human
being. What you are, CTOAC, is weak, vulnerable,
easily manipulated, and far too sensitive for your own good.
What you are is a ball sack.
Stop asking for your ex-girlfriend’s
absolution, sacky, stop begging for her forgiveness.
So long as you’re crawling to her, begging for forgiveness, she can go on
pretending that she was the injured party in your relationship. Forgive you?
There’s no reason for her to do that - there’s no upside for her. So long as
you’re standing there wringing your hands and acting like a cringing, wounded
pussy - excuse me: a dangling, freshly slapped ball sack - she wins.
Move the fuck on already, sacky.
I’m a married woman in my 40s who has
lately admitted that I hate being penetrated by a dick. I love sucking a dick
and love having a dildo in me. I also love having sex with a man - as long as
he is not penetrating me with his own personal cock. So my question is, are
there other women out there who enjoy sex with men but don’t want a dick inside
them?
No Cocks
Wouldn’t the more pertinent question be, “Are
there men out there who enjoy sex with women but don’t want their dicks
inside them? And is my HUSBAND one of them?” Whether there are women out there
who share your fondness for men but aversion to cock is only relevant if you’re
looking to form a support group. And if anyone needs a shoulder to cry on, NC,
it’s your husband, not you.
I was seeing a girl every other week for
about four months. We only used condoms for birth control, but we always used
them and we were careful. Two months after I ended it, she told me that three
weeks previous she found out that she was pregnant and a few days later
miscarried. Obviously, I was surprised and also concerned for her. We talked
about it a few times over the phone, even though I’m seeing somebody else now.
Emotionally, she has not been dealing
with the situation very well. She says that she cries whenever she sees babies.
I’ve been making an effort to be supportive, but she thinks that I could be
doing more. She also told me after we stopped seeing each other that she is in
love with me. Which brings us to the issue: She’s been getting therapy since
the miscarriage. She thinks I should help pay for her therapy; I’m reluctant,
but I want to do what’s right. On the one hand, I did get her pregnant, and the
pregnancy/miscarriage was the catalyst for her seeking therapy. On the other hand,
it was a casual relationship and she has other personal issues. Obviously, if
she were pregnant now, I would pay or at least help pay for an abortion. But
she’s not pregnant. She’s unhappy, and I’m not sure what the scope of my
responsibility is for that.
What Do I Do?
P.S. I’ve been reading your column for
years, and I think it has had a profoundly positive impact on my life: Thank
you.
It saddens me when someone with such colossally
defective bullshit detectors signs off with “I’ve been reading you for years.”
Perhaps you have, WDID, but to seemingly little effect.
Forgive me for being blunt: How do you know she
got pregnant and had a miscarriage? Because she - a girl who says she’s in love
with you - told you so. Did it not occur to you that she might have made this
all up in an effort - successful thus far - to retain your attention if not
your affections? Don’t pay for her therapy, don’t spend all day on the phone
with her, and don’t believe everything you’re told.
In fairness: There’s a small chance she isn’t
lying, WDID; according to Planned Parenthood, if you were using condoms
carefully and correctly, there’s a 2 percent chance your ex got pregnant. Even
so, your emotional obligations to her ended when the relationship did, and your
financial obligations ended with the miscarriage.
I’m a straight girl who started dating
this straight guy six months ago. Three months in, he told me he is a crossdresser. I’m a fairly open-minded person, and I was
curious what it would be like to have sex with him dressed. It brought our sex
life to a new level that is very pleasing to both of us. The problem is that I
find myself very sexually attracted to him dressed. I’m not as attracted to him
when he isn’t dressed, and the sex isn’t as exciting for me. He said he’s happy
to dress for sex, and although I like that, now I’m afraid of getting into a
routine where we will only enjoy sex in that way and down the road I may grow
tired of the dressed sex and crave a regular guy. I think we both lower our
inhibitions when we have sex while he’s dressed. I guess I don’t understand
why.
Confused And Curious
When he’s dressed, he’s giving himself
permission to live out his fantasies (with an assist from you); when you see him dressed, your inhibitions lift because,
hey, there’s no way you can freak out or outfreak the
boyfriend. Routines can be deadly, of course, but I wouldn’t worry about being
stuck in a rut. You’ve only been doing this for a few months, and his crossdressing is still a shiny new toy. And you can’t
simultaneously worry that you’ll come to only enjoy sex while he’s dressed up
and that you’ll grow bored with sex while he’s dressed up. If you continue to
enjoy dressed-up sex, you won’t get bored; if you get bored, then you can go
back to non-dressed-up sex.
So I have to know, Dan: What is your
opinion on vajazzling?
Vajazzle Azzle Gadazzle
Asking for my opinion on vajazzling, VAG, is like asking a vegan for her opinion on the
wallpaper in a steak house. I’m simply too revolted by what’s on the menu to
take much notice of the decor.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at
thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
04.2210
I’m a 27-year-old gay man. I had a
really great first couple of dates with a guy, so for the third date I invited
him to stay over. I cooked a nice dinner, we watched a movie, and we had a
lovely time in bed together. In the morning, we had another romp. At one point,
he was rimming me, and unexpectedly, unintentionally, I farted in his mouth a
little. His reaction was along the lines of “EW! EWWWW! EW!” Mine was along the
lines of trying to apologize through uncontrollable laughter. I said, “C’mere” and pulled him in to kiss me, and we finished with
what I thought was minimal awkwardness.
Later in the day, to be cute, and even
perhaps start a long-term shared joke, I sent an e-card that read, “I’m sorry
for farting in your mouth.” I then left town for the weekend, and when I got
back I tried to get in touch with him. He sent the following text message: “i’m not sure about this. yr a
sweet guy but i’m dating some other people… i just can’t have farts in my mouth. i think i would have
handled it a bit more respectfully.”
Is a sense of humor about the inevitable
off-color moments too much to expect? I mean, this was
one strike you’re out, not even a chance to talk it over. He dumped me over
TEXT, for fuck’s sake! Good riddance, I suppose. But did I really handle this
wrong?
Flatulent Anilingus Result: Termination
You handled this beautifully, FART - that’s why
you got dumped via text message.
They don’t cover this in sex ed, I realize, but the average idiot knows there’s just one
thing a person wants from someone who’s just “unexpectedly” farted in his
mouth, even just a little, and it’s not an e-card. It’s a lengthy, abject,
mortified, immediate, and heartfelt apology. And after a rimmee farts - a blessedly rare occurrence - it’s the rimmer’s response that sets the tone for what comes next. Your guest was
horrified and disgusted. When you saw his reaction, FART, you needed to take
your emotional cues from him, make your apologies and reassure him that it
wasn’t intentional, and express genuine remorse.
Instead, you laughed in his face, pulled him in
for a kiss, and sent him a flip e-card. Basically, you did everything you could
to give this guy the impression that you’re either an inconsiderate asshole
incapable of reading another person’s emotional cues, FART, or that you may
actually be into farts - or worse - and that you intentionally farted in his
mouth. I would’ve dumped you, too.
Yes, a sense of humor about those off-color
moments is not too much to expect. But no relationship progresses to the
laughing-off-the-fart-in-your-mouth stage, FART, until after - long after - you’ve demonstrated to the person you’re dating that you’re a fundamentally
decent, considerate person, worthy of their time and affections.
Every so often, I have to fight the urge
to contact an ex-boyfriend from college. It didn’t end well (I cheated). It’s
been over a decade (more like 15 years) since we last spoke. I’m happily
married, have two children, and live in a completely different part of the
country now. Yet, I feel sad that we don’t still know each other. The reasons
for the indiscretion are complicated and include, among other things, stupidity
and youth. (Also the fact that the indiscretion involved a different
ex-boyfriend who begged and pleaded for one final hurrah - and then I told the then-current
[now-ex] boyfriend that it was forced, which it wasn’t, which the then-current
[now-ex] boyfriend rightly didn’t believe.)
I know my reasons are selfish: I want to
explain myself, I want to move on, I want to be
forgiven. But if he wanted to be in contact with me, he would be. And yet, like
a crazed idiot, I still hold out hope that someday he’ll contact me or that
we’ll bump into each other. Should I contact him?
Can’t Let Go
You should suck it up, CLG.
It’s killing you that someone out there might
hate your guts (with cause), might think you’re scum (because you behaved like
scum), and, we can safely presume at this stage, is content to have you out of
his life (otherwise he would’ve looked you up on Facebook by now). This bothers you because you’re not scum, of course; no person is
defined by the two worst mistakes she ever made. (I’m referring to (1) cheating
and (2) making a false accusation of rape. What would’ve happened if your
then-current [now-ex] boyfriend had gone to the police? Or taken the law into
his own hands? Thank God your then-current [now-ex] boyfriend didn’t believe
you.)
I don’t think you should contact him, CLG, not
until you’re a little more interested in what you could give him (a
long-overdue apology) and a little less interested in what he could give you
(absolution).
My wife and I divorced three years ago.
Six months ago, I began seeing a good friend of my daughter’s. I knew this was
dangerous territory, but I really liked this girl. A month ago, we decided to
take our relationship public. My daughter reacted poorly. She did not demand
that we break up, but she did let me know that our relationship made her
uncomfortable. And she was rightfully upset about some personal information my
girlfriend had told me about her.
During the past four weeks, my daughter
has gradually edged my girlfriend, formerly a close friend of hers, out of her
personal life. She has also begun to spend less time with me. She tells me she
does not want me to have to choose between her and my girlfriend; although, if she stops spending time with me, that’s
exactly what she’s doing. I know she’s upset. But I’m a grown man, and I just
want to be happy. And in spite of the age difference, my girlfriend makes me
very happy.
What can I do to make my daughter more
comfortable with my new relationship?
Father Doesn’t Always Know Best
P.S. The information my girlfriend
shared about my daughter was the name of a young man she was seeing and that my
daughter had recently purchased an expensive dress. My girlfriend hardly told
me that my daughter was doing something truly dangerous or wrong.
It’s nice to know that your girlfriend manages
to make you happy “in spite of the age difference.” Too many late-middle-aged
men succumb to despair in the arms of their much-younger girlfriends. Anyway…
What can you do to make your daughter
comfortable with you fucking her friend while her friend blabs to you? Nothing.
Your daughter may eventually become comfortable with your relationship, FDAKB,
but there’s nothing you can do to artificially force up her comfort level. And
while emotional blackmail - “My girlfriend makes me happy, but I will sacrifice
my happiness for you, darling, if that’s what you want…” - may result in your
daughter spending more time with you and your girlfriend now, her resentment at
being blackmailed will do irreparable damage to your relationship with her over
the long run.
So just shut the fuck up, Dad, stop whining,
and continue to enjoy the girlfriend in spite of the age difference. Then go
apologize to your daughter for (1) keeping the relationship from her for so
long (your daughter may be losing sleep over things she told her friend before
she found out you were fucking) and (2) the invasion of her privacy that
already took place. Then give your daughter the space she needs and the privacy
she has a right to.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at
thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
04.15.10
I am a mostly straight, 22-year-old woman.
I am a pretty GGG kind of gal. I am generally not put off easily, even if I am told
things that don’t quite do it for me.
So I just started seeing this guy. I
haven’t known him for long - no serious sexual
activity other than mild foreplay. The other night, a few drinks in, we
ventured into talking about sex and porn. When I asked what type of porn he watches,
he said that he likes videos of “dirty whores, rape scenarios, and gang bangs.”
Now mind you, I like being treated like a dirty whore. And I love porn. But for
some reason, this put me off. I ended up heading home early, and I am
apprehensive about seeing him again.
Was my reaction legit? I’ve indulged
other partners in bondage, BDSM, power games, and so on (which I am very much
into). So why am I judging this nice, good-looking guy as a creep?
Turned Off And Displeased
First, TOAD, I want to praise you for trusting
your gut and getting out of there. Everyone should follow your example: When
someone is making you uncomfortable, folks, emulate TOAD - make your excuses
and bolt. On to your question…
You’ve liked being treated like a dirty whore
and you’ve done BDSM with other guys, so why are you judging this particular
guy?
Someone who’s turned on by extreme power games
- hardcore BDSM, degradation, verbal abuse, role-play scenarios, sexist
stereotypes - has to demonstrate that he (or she) is not just extremely
trustworthy, TOAD, but extremely sensible. And when this guy shared his
interest in some pretty extreme kinks so early in the relationship (“haven’t
known him for too long”), your gut rightly told you that this “nice,
good-looking guy” wasn’t someone with whom you would feel safe.
Because when he told you about his extreme
kinks, TOAD, you simply didn’t know him well enough to say to yourself, “Hey,
that’s some hardcore shit there - but he’s proved himself to be a good person
and I would feel safe doing this stuff with him.” And not only didn’t you know
him well enough to come to that conclusion, he should’ve known that you
didn’t know him well enough to come to that conclusion.
By sharing his kinks too soon, TOAD, this
seemingly nice guy demonstrated poor judgment and worse impulse control. And
rock-solid judgment and gold-plated impulse control are the first and second
things we should look for in someone whose sexual interests are way the fuck
out there.
I don’t think he should’ve lied, TOAD, but he
should have had the common sense to kick the conversation down the road or
downplay without misrepresenting, i.e., instead of saying, “I’m into dirty
whores, rape scenarios, and gang bangs,” he could have said, “I’m into
experienced business women, some intense role-play scenarios, and I’m intrigued
by group sex scenes with significant gender imbalances.” Then, after you got to
know each other a bit better, and after he had proved himself to be a decent,
trustworthy guy with rock-solid judgment and gold-plated impulse control, he
could’ve opened up a bit more and given you a clearer picture of his kinks, and
perhaps done so without creeping you out.
I’m not saying that he’s a creep or an abuser
or a wannabe rapist - or that he’s not all of those things. Maybe he’s just
young and inexperienced and hasn’t learned how to talk about his creepy kinks
without creeping people out, TOAD, or maybe the booze caused him to blurt out
something he usually rolls out with more finesse. It’s up to you whether you
give him a second chance - but make the next date a dry one, and if he creeps
you out, trust that gut of yours, make your excuses, and bolt.
I’m in my 30s, married, and bisexual. I
have a problem with my wife. She does not accept my bisexuality as “real.”
While it is true that I lean toward women, I definitely find some men
attractive, and I had some forms of sex with several men before I got together
with my wife. However, since I never took it in the ass, she believes that I’m
not really bisexual.
Furthermore, she gets embarrassed when we are with our gay friends and tales of
my man-on-man experiences come up. She wants me not to talk about it at all.
I’m not hitting on anyone, or contemplating cheating on her with a man, or
anything, just talking about the past - or agreeing with her when she says
Clive Owen is totally hot.
Am I wrong to think that she is being
kind of an asshole by not accepting my sexuality? Or am I just being selfish in
not soothing her faithfulness fears?
Likes Men But Loves Wife
Hm…
your wife refuses to believe that you’re bisexual because you never got around
to taking it in the ass. There’s a simple way to solve that problem, LMBLW:
Take it in the ass a couple dozen times and present your wife with a lovely
boxed set of commemorative DVDs.
That would mean cheating on her, though,
something you’re not interested in doing and something she fears. I suppose you
could point out that women with straight husbands aren’t exactly guaranteed an
adultery-free ride. Sandra Bullock, Jenny Sanford, and Elin Nordegren all married 100 percent heterosexual men - at
least so far as we know at press time - and despite their husbands’ failure to
take it in the ass (no man’s perfect), all three women wound up on the cover of In Touch, Us, and People.
But, while I think your wife is being a bit of
an asshole (and a lot in denial) by not accepting your bisexuality, LMBLW,
regaling your gay pals with tales of your man-on-man experiences could annoy a
spouse who was comfortable with your sexuality.
As a “not-stereotypical-looking” lesbian
who tends to be attracted to other “not-stereotypical-looking” lesbians, I wish
EVERY “single and looking” lesbian wore something that said so - like the
lesbian reader last week who was thinking about going out in a “Single.
Lesbian. Interested?” T-shirt. When I do go out to the one lesbian bar in my
city, people look at me with that “What are you doing in OUR bar?” stare.
Show Me Your Status
There are nearly twice as many gay-identified
men out there as there are lesbian-identified women. This fact alone is all the
proof we need that homosexuality isn’t a choice. Considering what shits
straight men can be - judging from my mail - surely more women would choose
homosexuality if they could.
Anyway, it seems to me that what single
lesbians need - in addition to dyke bars, internet personal ads, women’s
softball leagues, and cat-food aisles in grocery stores (man, those lesbian/cat
jokes never get tired!) - is a secret sign. I’m thinking something subtle,
SMYS, not because I’m pro-closet, but because I’m pro-tasteful. Message
T-shirts? Never tasteful. And “Nobody Knows My
Girlfriend Is a Lesbian” T-shirts are very 1995 (and highly unlikely to get a
single girl a date).
Instead, maybe all lesbians everywhere should
start wearing a button. No words, just a solid color, something small and
tasteful that could be pinned to the strap of a purse (popular with
“not-stereotypical-looking” lesbians), the lapel of a jacket, or the belt loop
on a pair of jeans. Thinking outside the lavender/pink/purple box, I think the
button should be green - green for “go,” green as in “Go ahead and hit on me,
ladies. I’m a lesbian.”
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at
thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
04.08.2010
I’m a young, straight feminist male, and I’ve been dating my feminist
girlfriend monogamously for almost two years. Recently, I’ve been coming to
terms with the fact that I am turned on by rape fantasies. Of course, I find
the idea of actual rape repugnant, and this is probably, of course, an
important reason why fantasizing about it turns me on. I sent out some feelers
with my girlfriend by initiating a conversation about kinks and asking about
what types of kinks she would hypothetically be comfortable accommodating. I
asked her to imagine that I fantasized about feeling up women on the subway and
wanted her to simulate and help realize that fantasy scenario with me. Her
response was that I needed to be “cured” of my desires, and that she would help
me figure out and work through the psychological gender-power issues behind it,
and to that end she would try to show me how enjoyable consensual sex could be.
My first thought was, “Well that’s not GGG…” but then I reconsidered: Would
indulging that fantasy only reinforce patriarchal patterns of thought that I’ve
worked to expunge from my brain? How much of a point does she have?
Feminist Rape Fantasist
DTMFA.
I’m not
telling you to dump your girlfriend because she won’t let you feel her up on
the subway, FRF. She isn’t obligated to help you realize your consensual-rape-lite fantasies. If that shit squicks her out, that shit squicks her out. But you can’t have a mutually fulfilling sexual or romantic
relationship with a woman - feminist or not, squicked out by simulated nonconsensuality or not - whose
first impulse when presented with a run-of-the-mill, completely consensual
role-play scenario is to pathologize her partner,
declare him sick, and accuse him of not being aroused by consensual sex when consensual sex was precisely what he
proposed.
There’s
nothing wrong with you, FRF, nothing that needs curing. The only thing you need
to expunge is a girlfriend who regards you as a sicko and a rapist. DTMFA.
This is going to sound incredibly naive, but here we go: How does one
get better at sex? I’m a 24-year-old female, I’ve been with my boyfriend for
four years, and the sex is just… meh. He had a couple
sex partners before me, but he is my first and only. We’ve been sexual for
almost all of our years together, so it’s not like we’re wanting for practice.
We often ask each other, “What else can I do for you?” I’ve shared a
couple ideas, which we’ve explored to my minimal comfort, but he always says
“Nothing” when asked if there’s anything he wants to do or try. We have
discovered that neither of us particularly cares if we, ourselves, reach
orgasm, but we both care very deeply that the other is satisfied. In this
light: While I don’t care much if the sex is mediocre for me, I do want it to
be better for him. Do you have any suggestions? Are we doomed?
Still A Noob Apparently
This is
going to sound incredibly unhelpful, SANA, but I don’t
have any suggestions. There are just too many potential unknown unknowns here
for me to offer any concrete advice. It’s possible that your boyfriend isn’t
attracted to you (or that you’re not attracted to him), it’s possible that your
boyfriend isn’t attracted to anyone (or that you’re not attracted to anyone),
it’s possible that he has dark and terrible sexual desires that he’s too
terrified to share with you (or that you have dark and terrible etc. that you
may not even be aware of).
The only
thing I know for sure, SANA, is this: One of you is going to have to nut/ovum
up and get selfish. You’re both so
giving, so unconcerned with your own pleasure, so invested in pleasing your
partner. And all of that sounds so wonderful in theory - who doesn’t want a completely selfless sex partner? - but in practice, selfless sex partners make lousy lays. Giving is great, but in
every truly great sexual encounter, someone is taking: taking charge, taking over, taking control, giving pleasure
to their partner by taking pleasure from their partner.
And if
it’s not going to be him, SANA, it’ll have to be you. So what do you want?
Besides seeing him “satisfied.” Take a look at where your concern for his
satisfaction has gotten you, SANA, and repeat after me: “Fuck him and fuck his
satisfaction.” Then ask yourself these questions: What do I want? What turns me on?
What do I want to experience and
explore? You’re not doomed if you can come up with the answers to those
questions, SANA, but if you can’t, well, then I’m
afraid you are doomed. Doomed to lousy sex in this relationship, for as long as
it lasts, and doomed to lousy sex in your next relationship if you wind up with
another guy who’s as “giving” as you are.
I’m a single, 22-year-old, adorable lesbian living in Chicago. I use a
dating website, but I’d like to increase my chances of meeting someone at the
concerts and improv shows I enjoy. These events
aren’t gay-specific, and I don’t look stereotypically queer, so this scenario
seems unlikely. I want to get a fitted, understated (light text, no rainbows)
T-shirt that says something like “Single. Lesbian. Interested?” and wear it out.
Will this increase the chances that the girl of my dreams will tap me on the
shoulder? Will it make me an easier target for hateful assholes? Both? Neither?
Looking For Lesbifriends
Both, of
course, and you may not like the kind of lesbians that a come-and-lick-me
T-shirt attracts. But when you’re single and feeling frustrated, and your pool
of potential partners is drawn from roughly 2.5 percent of the population, it
helps to move on all fronts, e.g., websites, bars, T-shirts. Your T-shirt might
attract the attention of some jerks, lesbian or otherwise, but that’s why God
gave us Mace.
Regarding last week’s reply to NORTH: Sure, it’s fucked-up that this
woman is doing escort work without telling her boyfriend. But you let him off
the hook entirely, even though he snooped through her e-mail! What you have
here are two people who are both untrustworthy - they sound like a good fit to
me! Because if snooping is okay, who knows what else he’s doing behind her
back?
JB
I knew
that not including a little standard-issue snooping-is-always-wrong boilerplate
in my response to NORTH - a woman who neglected to inform her boyfriend that
she was sitting on other men’s cocks for money - would get me in trouble with
some readers. But I didn’t include it because I don’t believe it.
A
confession: I’ve looked through my boyfriend’s e-mail; I assume he’s looked
through mine. I’ve scrolled through his text messages; I assume he’s scrolled
through mine. Expecting your partner not to snoop is like expecting your
partner not to fart or fantasize about other people. It’s a nice thought, JB,
but knowing what we know about human nature - and knowing that we ourselves
snoop, fart, and fantasize about other people - it’s a little unrealistic.
And I’m
sorry, but when someone goes snooping and discovers that their partner is doing
sex work - or is secretly gay or is sleeping with or visiting
lesbian-bondage-themed nightclubs with Michael Steele - then the snooping is
retroactively justified.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
03.25.10
I’m a 23-year-old bi dude seeing a guy who is
intelligent, sweet, attractive - the works. We’ve been together for six weeks.
The problem is, after our first night together, I lost sexual interest in him.
When I do get horny - which is rare at the moment due to work pressures - I
prefer to beat off alone, because I can fantasize about some sort of
transgression or other when I do it, e.g., having sex where I’m at risk of
being discovered, rape fantasies, incest scenarios. Obviously, at some point I
began associating “sexy” with “dangerous” and maybe “wrong.”
I want a serious relationship, but I’m tired of
pretending and failing in bed because I’m just not into the sex. And, damnit,
he’s cute and I should be able to get it up! What do I need to do?
Two Guys, One Erection
Here’s an idea, TGOE: risk
having the sex that turns you on - sexy, dangerous, and wrong - with this guy
who turns you on. Fuck him in public, fuck him where you might be discovered,
fuck him by simulated force. And whether you’re fucking at home or in public,
TGOE, you’re free to fantasize that your no-relation boyfriend is your
brother/nephew/uncle - or sister/niece/aunt - if that’s what it takes to get
you off. (Whether it would be wise to tell him that you’re entertaining incest
fantasies while you’re fucking him is another matter.)
And when you’re not having
dangerous and/or wrong sex, TGOE, you can talk - talk dirty - about all the
dangerous and/or wrong sex you’ve had with him already and plan to have with
him in the future. Even if you’re fucking around under the covers at home with
the door shut and the lights off, TGOE, you can tell him about how next time
you’re going to fuck him so hard in a public place that the police are going to
come running when they hear him scream because you’re both so dangerous and
wrong and blah blah dirty talk blah.
But you’ll never get to a
“two guys, two erections” place, TGOE, if you don’t risk sharing your real sexual
fantasies and interests with this guy. Given a choice between hot sex with his
boyfriend - which requires incorporating the boyfriend’s kinks - or boring sex
that leaves you feeling unsatisfied and him feeling rejected, and eventually
leads to the demise of this relationship, your boyfriend is likelier to choose
hot sex.
The basics of my life: I’m male, straight, in my
mid-20s; I have a twin sister and have been with my girlfriend for three years.
I want to break up with my girlfriend for a variety of reasons. I have begun
the “it’s not working for me anymore” conversation four times. But each time I
do, she brings up different sexual fantasies I have confided in her during our
relationship. I believe the implication is that if I break up with her, she’ll
tell people about my fantasies - one in particular.
AND THAT CANNOT HAPPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!
The fantasy I am most worried about her revealing is
incestuous in nature. When I was about 15, I - on occasion - used mental images
of my sister to get off. I never had any romantic or sexual feelings toward her
in real life - I was never attracted to her when she was physically present -
and once I started sleeping with real girls, my fantasies about my sister
ceased. One time, my girlfriend and I got stoned and discussed our most
outrageous sexual fantasies; our relationship was different then, more
trusting, and I told her about this stuff. I want out of the relationship, but
I am terrified of what would happen if she told people, especially my sister.
How can I exit this relationship, and how can I contain the damage if she
decides to tell people my secret? And is it fucked up that I used to masturbate
to thoughts about my twin?
Freaking Fucked Or Fucking Freak?
I wish my boyfriend were as
easy to manipulate as you seem to be - Jesus, the shit I could get away with.
Anyway, dumbfuck, unless
you put your most outrageous sexual fantasies in writing - and hopefully you didn’t - you’re not the one in real danger here. Your soon-to-be
ex-girlfriend is. Here’s what you do: Spend a week in front of a mirror
perfecting a look of stunned incredulity, and then go break things off with
your girlfriend. Make sure the actual split is big and messy and public. If she
attempts to retaliate by telling people about your no-longer-operative sexual
fantasies, FFOFF, you slap that looked of stunned incredulity on your face and
say, “I knew we had a bad breakup, but, my God, what kind of sick piece of shit
makes up something like that?”
Then just for the hell of
it, FFOFF, confide in one or two friends that you’re not surprised your ex went
there - that she tried to drag your sister into this - because she was always
pressuring you about having a three-way with your sister, and that was one of
the reasons you dumped her.
And yeah, FFOFF,
masturbating to thoughts of a sibling is a little fucked-up. But it’s not
uncommon for teenagers to fantasize - and, in some disturbing instances, to
actualize - about their siblings. Sex can seem scary and new, while our
siblings seem safe and familiar. For most people, those early and inappropriate
fantasies quickly subside, as they did for you, and most people have the good
sense to stuff ’em down the memory hole.
My boyfriend and I have been together for six
months. He’s 23 and I’m 22. He’s a virgin and I’m not. I’ve been very slow and
patient about sex, and he’s responded really well. I’m GGG, and he’s gotten
really good about taking initiative and suggesting things. We’ve done all the
basic sex-without-actual-intercourse things - outercourse, fingering, oral -
and we’re both very satisfied with our “not sex” life. Lately, the subject of
anal intercourse has come up. I’ve never done it, but I am turned on by the
idea, and he’s definitely up for it. What’s the problem then? The idea of our
first real sex being anal bothers me. He pleases me, and his reasons for not
having vaginal sex when we do so much else are at least somewhat logical (we’re
both paranoid about pregnancy, even though I’m on birth control and we’d use
condoms). But I worry that by having anal sex, I’ll delay the sex that I really
want! Plus, I worry that by having exclusively anal sex now, he won’t be as
turned on by the regular kind later.
Stick It In Me Already
If he’s not up for vaginal
intercourse for religious and/or ridiculous reasons, SIIMA, that’s his call. If
you’re not up for anal sex for whatever reason, that’s your call. He should
support your decision, SIIMA, just as you’ve supported his.
And for the record: Neither
of you are virgins. You have a little virgin territory left to explore - your
vagina, your butt, his butt - but you’re both sexually active nonvirgins, and
have been for months.
Find the Savage
Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every
Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.
03.18.10
My husband and I have been married for one year, but
we had been dating for 10 years prior to that. I thought we had a very
understanding relationship. In the last couple of days, I have found out that
he has a serious obsession with females wearing running shoes. He had in the
past hinted at the fact that it turns him on, but I had no idea the scope of
this obsession. I’ve discovered that he spends a large number of hours a week
devoted to this fetish. He was sloppy in covering his tracks one day, and I
found evidence on his computer.
I should also mention that when he told me he
thought running shoes are hot, I thought he meant on me, not on all living and
breathing females.
I believed that he could trust me enough to be open
with me, but he has been hiding this from me for 11 years! I am still in shock
and not quite sure how to deal with it. He obviously feels ashamed, otherwise
he would have told me years ago. Why did he not bring this up before we got
married? I had a right to know what I was getting into. I don’t know if I can
live with knowing that he gets a hard-on for every running-shoe-wearing woman
who goes by. I feel betrayed and creeped out. He says that he didn’t want to
hurt me, but he has done just that. I feel physically sick to my stomach
knowing that I didn’t really know who he was all this time. We still have to
work it out and really talk about our new situation. But I am beginning to
think our marriage isn’t going to survive this. Am I being too sensitive? How
can I fix my marriage?
Dumbfounded In Brooklyn
Does your husband like your
tits only, DIB, or can he get a hard-on for every tits-wearing woman who goes
by? Does he like your pussy only, DIB, or can he get a hard-on for every
pussy-having woman who goes by?
If your marriage can
survive the husband being attracted to tits and pussy generally, DIB, but
attracted to your tits and pussy particularly, your marriage should be able to
survive the awareness that your husband is into women in running shoes
generally but into you in running shoes particularly.
Why did he keep it from
you? Because he was ashamed, DIB, because guys with fetishes are told - hey
there, Prudie - that they’re disturbed and unlovable, and because no one
bothers to inform straight women that fetishes are to male sexuality what lies
are to a Fox News broadcast: likelier to
be present than not. So he dropped hints but didn’t tell you during year
one - or year two or three, year four, etc. - because he was afraid you would
have the reaction you’re having at year eleven.
So what do you do now? You
forgive him, if you give a shit about your marriage, if you actually ever loved
him, and you do a little reading about male sexuality. Daniel Bergner’s The Other Side of Desire is a good
place to start.
And ladies? If your
boyfriend or husband has “hinted at the fact that [something or other] turns
him on,” you can safely assume that [something or other] really turns him on.
A good friend of mine is engaged to a woman with an
extremely low sex drive. He’d like to have sex every day; she barely responds
to his touch. I advised him to work up the nerve to suggest an “understanding”
or to disengage. If he’s this frustrated as a 27-year-old fiancé, how is he
going to feel after five years in a monogamous marriage?
Concerned Buddy
Either your buddy won’t be
married in five years or he won’t be monogamously married. Either way, CB, you
spoke up, and that’s all a friend is required to do under the circumstances.
Now you have to stand back and let your buddy make the biggest mistake of his
life.
I assume you’ve heard of Chatroulette by now. I
discovered it about four weeks ago, and I am strangely turned on by all the
dudes on there jerking off. I have started to show my tits to some of these
dudes because it is such a massive turn-on for me (who knew I had this
exhibitionist streak in me?). My husband doesn’t know about any of this. However,
all sexual arousal is redirected his way in the form of really hot, passionate
fucking!
I feel bad about not telling my husband. Do you
think this is cheating? If you say it is, Dan, I will stop.
Clever Acronym
I don’t want to call what
you’re doing - flashing random Chatroulette pervs - cheating, as cheating is such an ugly word, but odds are good that
your husband would call it that.
Even so, CA, I’m reluctant
to tell you to stop. Spend a few weeks reading my e-mails, and you will come to
regard anything - anything at all -
that lights a fire under the marital bed as a universal good. So talk to your
husband. Tell him that - like everyone else on earth - you “discovered”
Chatroulette about four weeks ago. Then tell him you were surprised by (1) just
how many dudes are jerking off in front of their computers at any given moment
and (2) just how turned on you were by their exhibitionism. Confess that you’ve been a bit obsessed with the site, add that
it’s why you’ve been so horny lately, and then invite him to join you for a
session. If he seems into the idea, or gets into it once you’re online,
sheepishly confess that you’ve been flashing a little skin yourself.
Then fuck the husband’s
brains out.
CONFIDENTIAL TO SAVAGE
LOVERS: I need to ask you to do something. Not for me, but for a teenage
lesbian who lives in a small town. Constance McMillen is a senior at Itawamba
Agricultural High School in Fulton, Mississippi. When she asked the school if
she could attend prom with her girlfriend, she was told no. When Constance
pressed her case, the Itawamba County School Board canceled prom rather than
allow Constance to attend with her girlfriend. The school board had to know
what would happen next: The other students at Itawamba Agricultural blamed
Constance for getting prom canceled and “ruining senior year.” Constance is now
being harassed and bullied.
The school board claims it
canceled prom to avoid “distractions.” Now it’s up to us - to decent people
everywhere - to make sure that bigotry and discrimination are a much bigger
distraction for the Itawamba County School District than inclusion and
tolerance ever could’ve been.
E-mail, call, and fax
Itawamba Schools superintendent Teresa McNeece (tmcneece@itawamba.k12.ms.us,
phone 662-862-2159 ext. 14, fax 662-862-4713) and Itawamba Agricultural
principal Trae Wiygul (twiygul@itawamba.k12.ms.us, 662-862-3104). Then join the
Facebook page “Let Constance Take Her Girlfriend to Prom.” And, finally, make
donations to the Mississippi Safe Schools Coalition (www.mssafeschools.org),
which is organizing an alternate prom that will welcome all students, and make
a larger donation to the ACLU LGBT Project (www.tinyurl.com/yl9mvkb), which is
defending Constance and other gay teenagers across the country.
Call, write, fax, donate.
Constance needs to know that there are people all over the world who are on her
side. And, more importantly, Itawamba County Schools needs to know that we’re
not going to let them get away with this. Be respectful, but be relentless. Let’s show these bigots what
a real distraction looks like. Get ’em.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast)
every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
03.11.10
I am a girl who sabotaged my relationship. I was
angry; I had complaints. But my real issue was a store of repressed childhood
trauma, and I was working it out on the closest person to me, my BF. We had
something magical, and I destroyed it. I am now willing to give 110 percent to
fix it.
We no longer have sex. We are hardly on speaking
terms. I know now that my relationship skills are stunted - more childhood
baggage - but I want to save my relationship. Do you have any tips on
initiating sex with someone who I have traumatized or on improving
communication with someone who is so resentful? I am willing to give it time
and effort, accept my faults, and breathe deeply rather than react in anger
when we talk through things.
Saboteur Addressing Dysfunctions
I’ll get to your problem in
a second, SAD. But first, a Savage Love programming note: I don’t usually
mention where I’m writing a particular column, because it doesn’t really matter
whether my computer is sitting on Ann Landers’s desk or resting on Apolo Ohno’s
ass. (I will let you know when I am writing in a bar, though, because alcohol
can impair an advice columnist’s judgment, and advice seekers have a right to
know when they’re getting substandard counsel.)
I’m writing this column on
an airplane, and I was totally in the
zone when I noticed that the guy sitting next to me on this airplane was
reading my laptop screen. So I wrote this: “HEY! YOU! YEAH, YOU! THE GUY
SITTING NEXT TO ME ON DELTA 2360! STOP READING THIS SHIT UNLESS YOU HAVE
SOMETHING TO ADD!”
Sheesh. Some people.
Okay, SAD, on to your problem:
Unless your boyfriend is a weight bench or an exercise ball, you weren’t
“working it out” on him. You were taking
it out on him. Now, maybe you’ve been led to believe - by your counselor,
by Oprah, by some other idiot with an advice column - that you can just throw
up your hands and say, “Childhood issues! Childhood baggage!” and everything
will be magic again. Sorry, SAD, but sometimes the damage is too great. Your
boyfriend won’t speak to you? Won’t fuck you?
Game over.
Accept that you - not your issues, not your baggage, but you yourself - screwed yourself out of a
decent guy. End it officially, get your ass into counseling, and make a
good-faith effort to resolve your issues and unpack your bags before you
inflict yourself on some other dope. You don’t have to be 100 percent healthy
before you date - no one is 100 percent healthy - but you do have to be in
relatively good working order, listing toward sanity, before you date again.
And what does the guy
sitting next to me on this airplane think?
“I’ve dated girls like
her,” says TGSNTMOTA. “Daddy issues. She should get over her shit before she
dates someone else, you know, but she probably won’t. Girls like her never do.
But maybe this one will, because you’re pulling her up short. And she should
move to an island - Hawaii, the Big Island - because being on an island can
really help you work through your shit.”
Thanks, TGSNTMOTA!
I am a leather Daddy living in a big city. A young
man - early 20s, living in a small town - contacted me online and asked to be
my boy. I declined, due to distance, but agreed to be his confidant and
adviser.
The boy has one huge problem: He is in a long-term
relationship with a vanilla boyfriend who has no interest in BDSM and
vehemently opposes allowing him to explore with others. Presently, the boy goes
to dungeon parties and plays with men behind his boyfriend’s back. I feel very
strongly that the boy should either come to an understanding with his boyfriend
that allows him to explore or, if that isn’t possible, break up with him so
they can both find what they need.
I wouldn’t ordinarily presume to know what’s best
for other people, but this boy is starving sexually, emotionally, and
spiritually. But my conscience will not allow me to advise him on navigating
the leather scene when I know he’ll use this knowledge to cheat on his
boyfriend. I don’t think I can advise him further until he resolves the issue.
Do you agree with the advice I’ve given this boy?
Wanna Be A Good Influence
I agree with the advice
you’ve given this boy - get the boyfriend’s okay or get out - but this boy is already navigating the leather scene,
WBAGI, and will continue to cheat on his boyfriend with or without your
guidance.
So continue to serve as
this boy’s confidant and adviser, WBAGI, all the while pressing him to do the
right thing and leave his boyfriend. And we both know that he needs to leave
his boyfriend, WBAGI, not just get the boyfriend’s permission to explore. If
this boy’s interest in BDSM is so strong that he’s jumped into the deep end of
the pool - i.e., dungeon parties - he’ll never be happy with a vanilla
monogamist who grudgingly allows him to play with other guys.
And what does the guy
sitting next to me on this airplane think?
“The guy with the boyfriend
should do what the other guy, the leather guy, says,” says TGSNTMOTA. “Because
the leather guy has a good head on his shoulders, and the guy with the
boyfriend should listen to the leather guy and leave the other guy, the
boyfriend guy, and see other guys.”
Um… thanks, TGSNTMOTA!
I’m an 18-year-old hetero male college student. I’m
in a relationship with an awesome girl. I’m dominant; she’s submissive. I like
name-calling; she likes being called names. Our libidos match, etc. There’s
only one thing I’m into that she isn’t: watersports.
The idea of urinating on a girl turns me on. My
fetish is by no means unusual, and I’m perfectly comfortable saying, “I’m into
piss!” She, however, finds the idea unappealing, to say the least. I know that I’m
young and have a long time to act on my fantasies, but this one seems like it
will always be difficult. Do you think that, down the road, I will be able to
find a girl who is willing to get pissed on?
I Want To Pee On Someone
Watersports, for the kinkily
inclined, is one of those things that can seem almost unspeakably perverse at
18 and not that big a deal at 28. Don’t do it first thing in the morning, and
don’t do it after chowing through a plate of asparagus. Do it after you’ve had
a few beers and the piss is just so much warm - and sterile - water.
So relax, IWTPOS, because
the odds that you’ll be with this girl forever - remember, you’re 18, she’s 18
- are slim, and the odds that you’ll meet a girl at some point who’s either
into it or can be talked into it are high.
And what does the guy
sitting next to me on this airplane - a very nice-if-nosey thirtysomething dude
from Lubbock, Texas - think?
“I have a thing for girls
peeing on me,” TGSNTMOTA whispered to me. “Because it’s like a sort of ‘female
ejaculation’ thing. I met girls on the Big Island who were into it, clear and
nice, and - ”
Okay, TGSNTMOTA, thanks for
sharing and - hey - it looks like we’re getting ready to land, so… thanks for
playing Savage Love.
CONFIDENTIAL TO CANADA:
Apparently, a hockey team of yours recently triumphed over some other nation’s
hockey team, and one of the stars of your hockey team - the guy who scored
Canada’s first goal in the final and all-important match - has the same last
name as Vic Toews. So out of respect for Jonathan Toews - and Canadian author
Miriam Toews - we will not be redefining “Toews.” Maybe we could redefine
“Jason Kenney” instead?
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast)
every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
03.04.10
Okay: Female, married 15 years, one young child. No
sex with husband over last five years. Have tried therapy, talking, not
talking, confrontation - you name it, Dan, I tried it. Lingerie, kink, porn.
Seriously, everything. A year and a half ago, I got into a relationship with a
married guy, a man who also wasn’t getting any at home. Our agreement is
basically this: no strings, no ties that could hurt our families, have as much
fun as we can.
My husband just got diagnosed with late-stage
cancer. He is dying. Six months. Leaving him is not an option. On some level, I
feel horribly guilty about still seeing my lover, but it’s the only outlet I’ve
got.
Am I a complete skank/CPOS?
No Good Acronym
You were doing what you
needed to do to stay sane and stay married before your husband’s diagnosis,
NGA, and you should continue to do whatever it takes to stay sane and stay
married - for your own sake, for your husband’s sake, for your kid’s sake. If
seeing your lover helps, I think you should continue to see your lover.
But see him less often,
NGA, and redouble your efforts to keep the affair secret.
You are less the spouse and
lover now, and more the nurse and caretaker. In consideration of the good years
you had together and with the knowledge that his undiagnosed illness could have
been behind his lack of interest in sex, let go of whatever lingering
resentments you have. Do everything you can to make your husband comfortable
and make his death “good” - and that includes keeping your affair from him.
Realistically and
logistically, NGA, I think you won’t be able to see as much of your lover over
the next six months as you have over the last 18. And six months isn’t that
long to go without. But if you need to see your lover a few times in order to
stay sane and stay married and get through this awful time, then you should see
your lover - for your own sake, for your husband’s sake, for your kid’s sake.
I’ve been with my current boyfriend for a little
over a year. Since the get-go, he has refused to give me oral sex because he
just plain doesn’t like it, doesn’t like the taste. He says he doesn’t even
like looking at my vagina. He does, however, like me to give him oral sex. I’ve
tried explaining the importance of oral for me, but he thinks I’m obsessing and
says the act just grosses him out. I’m resenting this situation more and more.
So much so that now I really don’t feel like giving him oral sex. Any
suggestions on how to improve this situation?
Needing Oral Tonight
Your situation will not
improve, NOT, until you find yourself a boyfriend who isn’t a fag.
There may be a few straight
boys out there who don’t like to eat pussy, sad to say, but a straight boy who
doesn’t even like to look at pussy? Unless there’s something very
seriously wrong with your pussy’s appearance - a web of scars from a waxing
gone horribly, horribly wrong; the Fox News logo tattooed on your pubic mound;
the glowering face a parasitic twin where your clit should be - your boyfriend
is a fag, NOT. Do to your boyfriend what my one and only girlfriend should’ve
done to me: DTMFA.
Just wanted to share a funny story with you. It’s
also, we think, a great example of being GGG. My ladyfriend generally requires
more foreplay than I do, but on rare occasions we focus on me exclusively. Two
nights ago, after three years together, we figured we’d give a high-school
classic a try: I was going to get a handjob. I must’ve been temporarily
transported back to my Little League days, because as she was contentedly
pumping away, I asked if she could adjust her grip, saying, “Baby, could you
choke up a little bit?”
“What,” she said, the sweetest, most GGG look on her
face, “you mean, like, cry?”
I really think she would’ve done it, too, if I
hadn’t laughed so hard I nearly fell off the bed.
Choked Up In Toronto
Thanks for sharing, CUIT,
and now…
WHEREAS you’re writing from
Canada, and WHEREAS my Canadian readers patiently endure my rants about
conservative American politicians (like last week’s rant about New Hampshire
state representative Nancy “Wiggle in Excrement” Elliott), and WHEREAS my
American readers might assume that Canada - where gay marriage is legal,
everyone has health care, the boys are hot, and the girls are hotter - doesn’t
have any batshit-conservative politicians of its own, BE IT RESOLVED that I
will make an effort to write about Canada’s batshit-conservative politicians
every once in a while.
No time like the present: I
could write about your batshit-conservative prime minister, Stephen Harper,
who’s always proroguing the shit out of your parliament. (I don’t know what
proroguing is exactly, but like the shit in French on breakfast-cereal boxes,
it sounds pretty fucking filthy.) But a better example of conservative
batshittery would be Vic Toews. Canada’s unofficial “Minister of Family
Values,” member of parliament Toews - surprise! - doesn’t like the gays because
we’re a threat to the family and the institution of marriage. Toews has
described gay marriage ceremonies as satanic “Black Masses” and insisted that
adding gays and lesbians to existing Canadian civil rights statutes would bring
the “jackboot of fascism [down] on the necks of our people.”
You know where this is
going, right?
It turned out that Toews -
who once warned that gay marriage could lead to polygamy - was cheating on his
wife of 25 years. After getting a much younger woman pregnant, Toews wound up
getting divorced. Another marriage destroyed not by gays stomping around in fabulous
jackboots, but by another straight “Christian” shitfuck politician slamming his
dick into someone who isn’t his wife.
Toews’s affair became
public two years ago, but the scandal didn’t destroy him - he became minister
of public safety this January - because the Canadian press sniffed that Toews’s
affair and divorce were private.
Excuse me, Canadian-press pansies, but a politician who scares up votes
attacking the private lives of others, a politician who insists that other
people are out to destroy his marriage, can’t be allowed to hide behind “my
private business!” when it turns out that the only threat to the politician’s
marriage was the politician’s own greasy cock.
Here’s hoping that all
straight folks everywhere one day realize that anti-gay ravers come in just two
flavors: assholes who are externalizing their own internal struggles against
homosexual desires (Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Charlie Crist, Joseph Ratzinger,
et al.) and assholes who are attempting to compensate for and/or draw attention
away from their own moral shortcomings (David Vitter, Mark Sanford, John
Ensign, Vic Toews, et al.).
Toews is pronounced
“taves,” and it seems to me that it
should be a word for something nasty. Get on it, Canada.
CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE
WHO ASKED: If the mother of the 13-year-old boy with the latex-glove fetish had
written to me and not to Prudie - and she
probably didn’t write to me for a reason - I would’ve advised her to leave
her son alone, told her that fetishes aren’t mental illnesses, and suggested
that her son might be feeling “horribly embarrassed and guilty” about his
fetish because HIS MOTHER IS HOUNDING HIM ABOUT IT. And I would’ve told her
that any wife or girlfriend who wouldn’t indulge her son’s kink - once he’s an
adult - wouldn’t be worthy of his time or affections.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast)
every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.
02.25.10
I’m writing to you to settle a dispute between my
husband and me. We have been married for six years. We’re not terribly
adventurous, but we’re not totally vanilla, either. However, there is one issue
that is driving me insane: My husband constantly pesters me to have anal sex.
We have tried it in the past, and it is NOT my bag. I don’t enjoy it AT ALL.
But my husband will not stop pestering me. He thinks if we just keep trying,
eventually I’ll come around to liking it. I’m pretty GGG, Dan, but this is one
thing where I draw the line. He thinks I’m being unreasonable; I think he is.
Do I need to give in, or does he need to get off my back?
Needing Expert Advice
I think we should all be -
as I’ve written about a hundred thousand times - good (in bed), giving (of
pleasure, of indulgences), and game (for very nearly anything), aka GGG. And I
frequently like to remind married people - particularly, married people who
value monogamy - that they willingly assumed sole responsibility for their
spouses’ sexual fulfillment.
That said, NEA, we are each
entitled to our likes and dislikes.
But before I let you off
the anal hook: I’m assuming that your all-caps emphasis - “NOT my bag,” “don’t
enjoy it AT ALL” - means that you find anal penetration to be a physical trial
and/or an emotional torment. “I could TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT” or “There’s nothing
in that for ME” or “That leaves me COLD” are not good enough reasons to refuse
to occasionally indulge your spouse in whatever it is that gets him/her off.
While it would be wonderful if every couple’s sex life consisted entirely of
acts that both partners found equally thrilling - so egalitarian! So fairzees!
- a fulfilling sex life is too important, particularly for monogamous couples,
to trust in coincidence alone.
Okay, NEA, getting back to your
ass: You tried it, you didn’t like it, and you don’t have to keep doing it.
And, yes, your husband should stop pestering you about it, NEA, but you do have
to let him grieve - grieve for the ass he isn’t going to get from you and, if
you’re monogamous, grieve for the ass he isn’t going to get anywhere else.
And speaking of anal…
Nancy Elliott, a state
representative in New Hampshire, wants to ban same-sex marriage in that state -
where it’s been legal for less than three months - and here’s her reasoning:
“We’re talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum
of another man and wiggling it around in excrement. And you have to think…
would I allow that to be done to ME?”
Where to begin? How about
here…
If you’re wiggling your penis
around in excrement when you’re having anal sex, Representative Elliott, you’re
doing it wrong. You would think this would be obvious even to people who’ve
never had anal sex, but apparently not. So let me break it down for you,
Representative Elliott: You don’t have anal sex with an ass full of shit for
the same reason you don’t have oral sex with a mouth full of food. It’s messy
and no one wants a mess. (Except for the people who do want a mess, of course, but they’re a blessed rarity.) An empty,
douched, and lubed anal cavity isn’t that much dirtier than an empty, flossed,
and brushed oral cavity.
I will concede that
excrement is for anal what Representative Elliott is for the New Hampshire
State Legislature: a PR disaster. But excrement-free anal sex is easy. Make sure there’s some fiber in
your diet, be regular, and only go for it when you’re empty - no anal during
your butt menses! - and you’ll never get excrement on a single wigglin’ dick.
And now a question for you,
Representative Elliott: Are you really sure you want to make it illegal for
buttfuckers to get married?
“According to a 2005 survey
conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,” a commenter
whom I’m going to quote at length (hey, Baconcat!) wrote on a blog in reaction
to Elliott’s remarks, “40 percent of men and 35 percent of women between 25 and
44 had engaged in heterosexual anal sex. Some studies put the incidence of anal
sex in the heterosexual population as low as 24 percent and some as high as 56
percent. Averaging those numbers, let’s say 38.8 percent of heterosexuals
engage in anal sex. Ninety-six percent of Americans are straight. There are
190,000,000 adults between the ages of 18 and 65 in the United States, so that
means 70,771,200 adults are engaging in heterosexual anal sex. Four percent of
the adult population is gay, or 7,600,000 people. Roughly half - 3,800,000 -
are gay males. Polls indicate that between 55 and 80 percent of gay males
participate in anal sex. Taking the average - 67.5 percent - that means the
number of gay men having anal sex comes to 2,565,000.”
Math is hard,
Representative Elliott, but see if you can’t wiggle this into your cranial
cavity: 70,771,200 is more - a whole lot more - than 2,565,000. Anal sex in
America is primarily a heterosexual pursuit. So if you really want to protect
the sacred sanctity of marriage from the unholy taint of penises wiggling in
rectums, Representative Elliott, you need to ban straight marriage first. (We
needn’t protect marriage from lesbians, of course, because lesbians don’t have
anuses.)
I am a 26-year-old female who likes anal sex. The
problem is my boyfriend’s dick is too big. It’s about nine inches long, but the
real issue is girth. I enjoyed anal sex with a previous partner, but my BF and
I have done it only once. It was fairly unpleasant, even though we used copious
amounts of lube. Are there ways to make anal sex possible for us?
Achingly Needs Anal Love
Stop trying to wiggle that
monster into your rectum, ANAL, and focus instead on fingers and toys and
orgasms for you, cheeky-fucking for the boyfriend. (Think titty-fucking, but
using your ass cheeks instead of your tits.) Have lots of orgasms with toys of
various sizes in your ass. Then every once in a while - when you’re feeling it,
when your ass feels like it’s ready, when you’re not having your butt menses -
ease the boyfriend in. He should stay absolutely still while you get yourself
off with your hands or a vibrator. The next time you’re feeling it, put him in
and let him move around just a little while you get yourself off.
The goal here - and it’s a
long-term goal - is to make anal sex as pleasurable for you as it is, or will
be one day, for the boyfriend. Take your time, ANAL, don’t rush things, and
thanks for being one of the 70,771,200 straight people out there who prove
every day that you can have anal sex and access to legal marriage, too.
I am an 18-year-old female college freshman. My
boyfriend is also 18. He recently confided in me that he wanted to wear my
panties and a dress while I wore his boxers and fucked him in the ass with a
dildo. I have been reading your column since I was 13. Had I never read your
column, I might have assumed my boyfriend was gay or thought he was gross or thought
I was gross for liking the idea. Instead, I helped pick out a dress I thought
would look sweet on him, and we had a wonderful time. Thank you so much!
Loves Boys In Panties
No, thank you, LBIP, because every time a
straight girl sticks something up a straight boy’s ass, a bigoted state
representative dies a little inside.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
02.18.10
My boyfriend and I have agreed to
abide by whatever decision you make. We’ve been together for nine months. We
are gay. We live in a college town. We both found jobs here after we graduated,
so we stayed. Since his sophomore year, my boyfriend has had an “arrangement”
with an older man, a professor at the university. Did I say older? I meant old. We are in our mid-20s; this man is in his late 60s. The old man comes
to my boyfriend’s apartment once a week and cleans it. Does his laundry. Washes
his dishes. He actually pays my boyfriend for the privilege. It’s not much,
$50, and the old perv says it’s for my boyfriend’s “time,” since a part of
their deal is that my boyfriend has to be in the apartment while the old perv
cleans it. He’s particularly pervy about how he cleans my boyfriend’s bathroom.
Dan, the old perv cleans my boyfriend’s toilet bowl with his own toothbrush, which he then
uses to brush his teeth the rest of the week!
There is no sex. (Presumably, the old
perv goes home and beats off after cleaning my boyfriend’s apartment.) None of
this would matter if my boyfriend and I weren’t talking about moving in
together. I want this “arrangement” to stop. I don’t feel comfortable using a
toilet that a man old enough to be my grandfather cleaned with his toothbrush.
This has been going on for six years - the old perv has been cleaning up after
my boyfriend since he was living in student housing. My boyfriend says he likes
the clean apartment more than he needs the money (and that’s true, now that
he’s no longer a starving student). But I say all good things must come to an
end, and if I’m moving in, we’ll have to clean up after ourselves or pay a real
cleaning lady to come around once a week, like regular people.
We agreed to leave it up to you. Dan:
The old perv stays? The old perv goes?
Toothbrushes Are For Teeth
The old perv stays.
By allowing this man to
clean his apartment, TAFT, your boyfriend is making an old perv very, very
happy, and that makes the world a more joyful place generally (and your
boyfriend’s apartment a tidier place particularly). Your boyfriend isn’t taking
advantage of the old perv - $50 is a much more reasonable fee than most sex
workers would charge for the same service (yes, your boyfriend is doing very
low-level sex work) - and while the toothbrush/toilet thing is a bit… creepy… and unsanitary…
I’m sure you’ll get used to it and/or be able to put it out of your mind.
(Although I’d be giving the toilet an additional wipe-down if anyone - young,
old, hot, not - were cleaning it for me with a ratty old toothbrush.)
Let’s recognize this
arrangement for what it really is: a successful long-term relationship. How
many relationships - gay or straight, monogamous or open, where toilets are
scrubbed weekly with toothbrushes or cleaned sporadically with toilet brushes -
last six years! Sorry, TAFT, but I’m constitutionally disinclined to dissolve a
successful six-year relationship in favor of a relationship that has yet to
reach the one-year mark.
And I think you knew, TAFT.
I think you knew I would side with the perv - was there ever any question? -
which leads me to believe that you’re secretly okay with this arrangement and
an extra $50 a week to put toward household expenses, money that you can invest
in cases of Clorox Wipes. You wanted a little plausible deniability, a way for
the arrangement to continue without having to give it your blessing, and needed
some cover. And now you have it, TAFT.
I’m in a friends-with-benefits
arrangement with a woman I get along with really well, and I am interested in a
real relationship. I know she’s open to it, but there’s one thing holding me
back: She’s overweight. And while it doesn’t matter to me, it restricts what’s
possible in bed. Do I talk to her about it? If so, how?
Some Dude
If this woman’s weight
didn’t interfere with a friends-with-benefits arrangement - a purely sexual
bargain - why would her weight and the limitations it places on what’s possible
in bed factor into your decision to take this relationship “to the next level,”
as the life coaches/douchefags like to say? Don’t make the mistake of assuming
the choice you face is one between some hypothetical skinny bitch with no
restrictions and this big woman who comes with some restrictions. Everyone has
their own limits, their own capabilities, their own tastes and preferences, SD,
and only a handful of us wind up in long-term relationships with partners
without any restrictions whatsoever.
As for how to talk to her
about her weight: Well, based on the furious and furiously defensive mail that
pours in whenever the subject of weight comes up, I’d suggest you discuss it
through a bulletproof glass partition. Or you could launch that real
relationship, move in with her, and, presuming you eat decently and get regular
exercise yourself, set an example of the kind of lifestyle choices that will
bring down her weight and up her game.
I am a straight male. I have a problem
ejaculating with a partner. I have failed to complete the act even when I
arranged a session with two well-known porn stars I REALLY wanted. This despite
sticking it nearly everywhere - no Greek - and in nearly every position. The
only way I can reliably come is when I hump my mattress naked with a towel
underneath me. What is my problem? I take Zoloft, which can have the effect of
delaying orgasm, but that doesn’t explain how I can get off so quickly with my
towel, which I do daily, but I couldn’t get it done in an entire hour with my
favorite big-butted porn star who let me do whatever I wanted.
Fucking A Towel
First, a stroll down memory
lane: Hearing anal sex referred to as “Greek” took me back to the days when I
was a 13-year-old closet case reading the personal ads in the back of a
purloined copy of the Advocate, wondering what the fuck fags meant when they described
themselves as “Greek active” or “Greek passive,” and why it was that Greek
actives invariably described themselves as “French passive.” It all seemed so
mysterious and continental. Now, everyone is either a top or a bottom and
romance is dead.
Moving on, FAT, it pains me
to inform you that you’ve ruined your dick with that towel-and-mattress
routine. You’ve trained your dick to respond to one kind of stimulation and one
kind of stimulation only, a particular kind of stimulation that has very little
in common with the sensations provided by big-butted porn stars. Your only hope
is to stop humping the bed. Get some lube; use your left hand; use your right
hand; invest in a Fleshlight; masturbate on your back, standing up, kneeling.
Vary your masturbatory routine and habits and - this is the hard part - don’t
resort to the towel and mattress if you have difficulty getting off. You spent
a lot of time programming your dick, and it’s going to take some time to
reprogram your dick, FAT. The only way to do that is to deny your dick -
forever and ever, amen - the towel-and-mattress routine. Once your dick
realizes that there’s no going back, it’ll adapt; it will begin to respond to
the new and closer-to-human sensations that you’re making available to it. Good
luck.
Find the Savage Lovecast
(my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
02.11.10
A few years before my wife and I met,
she made porn with her boyfriend at the time. He intended to start a
pay-per-view website but never launched it. I was a bit upset when she told me,
but then I remembered that I enjoy porn, and the idea of seeing the hottest
woman I’ve ever met - and am now married to - doing porn might be really
enjoyable, even though I wouldn’t want her sleeping with anyone else now.
I realize that to get these tapes I’d
have to contact the ex and that might be a bad idea. What do you think?
Torn Over Porn
Um… what does she think? The wife? Have you asked
her? Does she want you to see the porn she made with her ex? Does she want to
have any contact - even if you handle the negotiations - with her ex?
If she’s cool with it, and
thinks the ex will be cool with it, by all means ask for the tapes. But hold on
to my e-mail address, TOP, just in case her ex is bigger than you, appears to
be better in bed, clearly provided your girlfriend with more shattering
orgasms, etc., and you have a careful-what-you-wish-for/no-one-could’ve-predicted
meltdown and need someone to talk you off the ledge.
I see women prostitutes who are over
30 and independent. Twice in the last five years, the woman I was seeing turned
out to be a post-op transsexual. They were both nice people, and I wish them well.
But I prefer nature’s own vaginas. Some TSs disclose; some don’t. Some wind up
getting outed on bulletin boards and trashed. I am sure it limits their income.
What are the rules?
Prefers Really Original Sex
There are no rules in an
illegal and unregulated marketplace, PROS, although I’m not sure how “truth in
packaging” provisions could be enforced if prostitution were legal and
regulated. So caveat emptor, boys, and try to mix a little empathy in with your
emptoring. Many TS sex workers are engaged in what social workers call
“survival prostitution” - they’re marginalized, they don’t have familial or
societal support, and they’re selling sex to keep roofs over their heads - so
they’re not duping you for shits and giggles.
And there are worse things
than accidentally sticking your dick in a woman who was born into a man’s body,
PROS. Did you catch Charlize Theron’s Academy Award–winning performance
in Monster?
I have been in a nonmonogamous
marriage for several years. We’ve had a lot of fun. My only gripe is that she
is allowed to have solo adventures and I am not. When I protest, she says that
she would rather stop having solo experiences than allow me to as well. This is
little comfort, as I enjoy her having her own experiences. My wife is a lovely
woman, and I don’t want to risk any damage to my marriage or family life (we
have two wonderful kids). But it is clear to me now that I require a little
safe, NSA exploration on my own every once in a while. What’s a boy to do?
Equal Rights In Coitus
Hearing about the wife’s
solo adventures gives you a boner - that is what you meant by “I enjoy her
having her own experiences,” right? - while the prospect of your solo
adventures has the opposite effect on the wife, i.e., the thought doesn’t give
her a girl boner. So while you rightly perceive her solo adventuring as unfair,
ERIC, there’s something in those solo adventures for you, i.e., lots of boy
boners, while there’s nothing in your proposed solo adventures for her, i.e.,
no girl boners.
Now life isn’t fair, as I
hope your mama warned you, and in an open relationship, life’s unfairness can
manifest itself in one partner agreeing to less freedom of action in order to
accommodate the other’s insecurities, irrationalities, insanities, etc. If the
unfairness of it all is unacceptable to you, ERIC, accept your wife’s offer to
terminate her solo adventures. Hopefully she’ll miss them as much as you will,
and in short order she’ll agree to your having solo adventures in order to
start having her own again.
I’m a longtime fan of your column and
agree with you 99 percent of the time, and I’m usually annoyed when you run
counterarguments from angry readers. Alas, I think I’m one of those folks
today. Your advice to Horny Homo two weeks ago was kind of messed up. While I
agree that some careful wording is needed when suggesting a threesome for the
first time, a closeted bi guy pretending to go into a MMF situation solely for
his girlfriend’s pleasure is a recipe for disaster.
As a bisexual woman myself, I find it
pathetic that this guy can’t suck it up and tell his girlfriend that he’s
interested in having sex with men. As you’ve said to other people in similar
situations, he’s better off telling his girlfriend the truth and seeing if
she’s into the idea of threesomes or polyamory or what have you. Maybe she’s
completely GGG for the whole thing - or maybe she’d rather not be used by two
liars looking to scratch an itch.
Flippant Answer Isn’t Legit
They can’t all be gems,
FAIL, and that response sucked balls. Consider it withdrawn. And for the
record: Yes to honesty, yes to the dude telling his girlfriend he’s bi, and yes
to angry readers calling me on my fails, FAIL. My response was intended to be
tongue-in-cheek, but it was head-in-ass. My apologies.
So the Oscar nominations just came
out. The same question plagues me every year - both at nomination time and when
the awards roll around. How many people do you think have been fucked with an
Oscar? I mean, it’s shaped just right and so associated with power, fantasy,
etc. that it’s just gotta happen, and I’m betting pretty often. Have you heard
any news along these lines? Do you think I’m off base?
Hoping Every Lovely Little Oscar
Gets Oiled Really Good Evoking Orgasms Up Starbutts
First, a programming note:
When Savage Love readers noticed that I was turning sign-offs into acronyms to
save space, they began crafting sign-offs that resulted in amusing and/or
revealing acronyms, e.g., PROS, ERIC, FAIL. But long sign-offs, even if they
make for terrific acronyms, don’t save space. So limit your creative sign-off
to no more than five or six words, dear readers, if you want to see it in
print. (I’m making an exception for HELLOGORGEOUS for reasons that will be
immediately apparent to anyone who’s ever had a cock in his pants and his mouth
simultaneously.)
Okay, HELLOGORGEOUS, your
letter arrived on the day I had the distinct pleasure/honor of hanging out with
a couple of people who just so happen to have four - four! - Oscars on a shelf in their offices. Spooky! They laughed
when I showed them your letter. Not because they had fucked themselves with
their Oscars, HELLOGORGEOUS, but because the first thing they observed about
their Oscars was that they were, indeed, “shaped just right.” (I thought the
shoulders were a bit wide, personally, but the base was flared, which is what
you want with an insertion toy.)
I didn’t press them on
whether they had confirmed their suspicions - we’d only just met - but rest
assured, HELLOGORGEOUS, if it can be
stuffed in someone’s ass and/or twat, however inadvisable said stuffing might
be, someone somewhere has shoved the thing - Coke bottle, Oscar statuette,
Scott Brown action figure - into an ass and/or twat.
Find the Savage Lovecast
(my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
02.04.10
A few years before my wife and I met,
she made porn with her boyfriend at the time. He intended to start a
pay-per-view website but never launched it. I was a bit upset when she told me,
but then I remembered that I enjoy porn, and the idea of seeing the hottest
woman I’ve ever met - and am now married to - doing porn might be really
enjoyable, even though I wouldn’t want her sleeping with anyone else now.
I realize that to get these tapes I’d
have to contact the ex and that might be a bad idea. What do you think?
Torn Over Porn
Um… what does she think? The wife? Have you asked
her? Does she want you to see the porn she made with her ex? Does she want to
have any contact - even if you handle the negotiations - with her ex?
If she’s cool with it, and
thinks the ex will be cool with it, by all means ask for the tapes. But hold on
to my e-mail address, TOP, just in case her ex is bigger than you, appears to
be better in bed, clearly provided your girlfriend with more shattering
orgasms, etc., and you have a
careful-what-you-wish-for/no-one-could’ve-predicted meltdown and need someone
to talk you off the ledge.
I see women prostitutes who are over
30 and independent. Twice in the last five years, the woman I was seeing turned
out to be a post-op transsexual. They were both nice people, and I wish them
well. But I prefer nature’s own vaginas. Some TSs disclose; some don’t. Some
wind up getting outed on bulletin boards and trashed. I am sure it limits their
income. What are the rules?
Prefers Really Original Sex
There are no rules in an
illegal and unregulated marketplace, PROS, although I’m not sure how “truth in
packaging” provisions could be enforced if prostitution were legal and
regulated. So caveat emptor, boys, and try to mix a little empathy in with your
emptoring. Many TS sex workers are engaged in what social workers call
“survival prostitution” - they’re marginalized, they don’t have familial or
societal support, and they’re selling sex to keep roofs over their heads - so
they’re not duping you for shits and giggles.
And there are worse things
than accidentally sticking your dick in a woman who was born into a man’s body,
PROS. Did you catch Charlize Theron’s Academy Award–winning performance
in Monster?
I have been in a nonmonogamous
marriage for several years. We’ve had a lot of fun. My only gripe is that she
is allowed to have solo adventures and I am not. When I protest, she says that
she would rather stop having solo experiences than allow me to as well. This is
little comfort, as I enjoy her having her own experiences. My wife is a lovely
woman, and I don’t want to risk any damage to my marriage or family life (we
have two wonderful kids). But it is clear to me now that I require a little
safe, NSA exploration on my own every once in a while. What’s a boy to do?
Equal Rights In Coitus
Hearing about the wife’s
solo adventures gives you a boner - that is what you meant by “I enjoy her
having her own experiences,” right? - while the prospect of your solo
adventures has the opposite effect on the wife, i.e., the thought doesn’t give
her a girl boner. So while you rightly perceive her solo adventuring as unfair,
ERIC, there’s something in those solo adventures for you, i.e., lots of boy
boners, while there’s nothing in your proposed solo adventures for her, i.e.,
no girl boners.
Now life isn’t fair, as I
hope your mama warned you, and in an open relationship, life’s unfairness can
manifest itself in one partner agreeing to less freedom of action in order to
accommodate the other’s insecurities, irrationalities, insanities, etc. If the
unfairness of it all is unacceptable to you, ERIC, accept your wife’s offer to
terminate her solo adventures. Hopefully she’ll miss them as much as you will,
and in short order she’ll agree to your having solo adventures in order to
start having her own again.
I’m a longtime fan of your column and
agree with you 99 percent of the time, and I’m usually annoyed when you run
counterarguments from angry readers. Alas, I think I’m one of those folks
today. Your advice to Horny Homo two weeks ago was kind of messed up. While I
agree that some careful wording is needed when suggesting a threesome for the
first time, a closeted bi guy pretending to go into a MMF situation solely for
his girlfriend’s pleasure is a recipe for disaster.
As a bisexual woman myself, I find it
pathetic that this guy can’t suck it up and tell his girlfriend that he’s
interested in having sex with men. As you’ve said to other people in similar
situations, he’s better off telling his girlfriend the truth and seeing if
she’s into the idea of threesomes or polyamory or what have you. Maybe she’s
completely GGG for the whole thing - or maybe she’d rather not be used by two
liars looking to scratch an itch.
Flippant Answer Isn’t Legit
They can’t all be gems,
FAIL, and that response sucked balls. Consider it withdrawn. And for the
record: Yes to honesty, yes to the dude telling his girlfriend he’s bi, and yes
to angry readers calling me on my fails, FAIL. My response was intended to be
tongue-in-cheek, but it was head-in-ass. My apologies.
So the Oscar nominations just came
out. The same question plagues me every year - both at nomination time and when
the awards roll around. How many people do you think have been fucked with an
Oscar? I mean, it’s shaped just right and so associated with power, fantasy,
etc. that it’s just gotta happen, and I’m betting pretty often. Have you heard
any news along these lines? Do you think I’m off base?
Hoping Every Lovely Little Oscar
Gets Oiled Really Good Evoking Orgasms Up Starbutts
First, a programming note:
When Savage Love readers noticed that I was turning sign-offs into acronyms to
save space, they began crafting sign-offs that resulted in amusing and/or
revealing acronyms, e.g., PROS, ERIC, FAIL. But long sign-offs, even if they
make for terrific acronyms, don’t save space. So limit your creative sign-off
to no more than five or six words, dear readers, if you want to see it in
print. (I’m making an exception for HELLOGORGEOUS for reasons that will be
immediately apparent to anyone who’s ever had a cock in his pants and his mouth
simultaneously.)
Okay, HELLOGORGEOUS, your
letter arrived on the day I had the distinct pleasure/honor of hanging out with
a couple of people who just so happen to have four - four! - Oscars on a shelf in their offices. Spooky! They laughed when I showed them
your letter. Not because they had fucked themselves with their Oscars,
HELLOGORGEOUS, but because the first thing they observed about their Oscars was
that they were, indeed, “shaped just right.” (I thought the shoulders were a
bit wide, personally, but the base was flared, which is what you want with an
insertion toy.)
I didn’t press them on
whether they had confirmed their suspicions - we’d only just met - but rest
assured, HELLOGORGEOUS, if it can be stuffed in
someone’s ass and/or twat, however inadvisable said stuffing might be, someone
somewhere has shoved the thing - Coke bottle, Oscar statuette, Scott Brown
action figure - into an ass and/or twat.
Find the Savage Lovecast
(my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
01.28.10
I’m a single (mostly) gay guy who is
curious about women. A hot bisexual mate is interested in a
friends-with-benefits arrangement. I’m not looking for an LTR just now, so
regular, no-strings sex sounds great. However, his girlfriend doesn’t know he’s
bisexual, and I’d feel uncomfortable having sex with him behind her back. I’ve
said no to guys in the past, bi and gay, because they wanted to go behind their
partners’ backs. My mate would like his girlfriend to know about him because
he’d really like to have threesomes with her (something I’m up for), but he’s
worried about how she’ll react.
Personally, I’d be more concerned
about how she might react if she found out about his sexuality some other way.
That’s one reason why I always err on the side of honesty. However, I’m not
exactly unbiased: I’d prefer threesomes to dicks-only sessions. What should I
do?
Horny Homo
How about a little honesty
mixed with a little dishonesty?
Your mate should offer his
girlfriend the boy-girl-boy threesome that all of today’s modern young women
fantasize about. (Blame Twilight -
why can’t Bella have it all?) If your mate is worried that she’ll react
negatively to the suggestion, he can open by telling her that what he’s about
to propose was all your idea. She’ll want to know if his gay-but-bi-curious
mate - that’s you - is going to want to get into his presumed-to-be-straight
pants. Your mate should shrug and say, “Maybe…” and depending on the look on
her face when the possibility of Edward-on-Jacob action is raised - disgusted
or intrigued? - end with either “…but I don’t think I’m interested in going
there” (leaving open the possibility of “getting carried away” and “going
there” during the threesome) or “…and I might go there if that would turn you
on” (making any boy-on-boy action at the threesome something he did for her).
If the threesome is a
success and you two wind up playing with and in front of her, HH, your mate can come to the sudden and shocking realization
that he’s bisexual. This will hopefully lead to future threesomes and, perhaps,
at some point, her blessing for some boys-only time. If she objects, HH, your
mate can blame her for “making” him bisexual - or making him realize it -
because he fell on your sword that first time because it was what she wanted.
I’m a woman whose “super-hetero” boyfriend
is quite shy and needs to build trust before he can open up to someone. Since I
have gained his trust, he has revealed that he fantasizes about m-m-f
threesomes. I’ve asked him if he is turned on by the idea of another man’s
penis, and he says no, he just wants to see me have sex with another man. Yet
when he describes his dirtiest fantasies to me at the peak of arousal, he says
he gets off on the idea of double penetration - one penis in my anus, another
in my vagina - and wants to feel the other man’s penis bump up against his own,
separated by my innards.
Do you think he is bisexual or
bi-curious? We intend to enact this fantasy, and I wonder if it could shift the
dynamic of our relationship.
Threesome Curious
It can be hard to predict
whether a man will have an epiphany during an m-m-f threesome and come to the
sudden and shocking realization that he’s bisexual. (Um… does your boyfriend
refer to his male friends as “mate,” by any chance? Is he a fan of the Twilight series?) He’s obviously
more aroused by male-male contact than he’s capable of admitting when he isn’t
about to blow a load, TC. This fantasy of his isn’t about, or isn’t just about,
wanting to gangbang a girl with a buddy. Your boyfriend wants to bump penises
with another dude - but with your, um, lady “innards” providing the “no homo”
absolution.
But I don’t think you need
to extract a full confession of bi-curiousness or even heteroflexibility before
you realize this fantasy. He may not be in denial about what his desires add up
to, TC. He just may want to check his fantasies about male-male contact against
the reality of male-male contact before he tells you what he suspects: He’s the
tiniest bit bisexual.
I have an uncle who calls me “faggot”
whenever he and I are alone in the same room. He’s a conservative, straight
Mormon. I’m a boy who’s had sexual encounters with guys and girls, and I’m
trying to figure out my own sexuality while dealing with all of the other stuff
that comes with going off to college, and frankly I don’t need his crap. Do I
tell my parents? I’m kind of bi right now, so he’s half right, but what
business is it of his?
Uncertain Nephew Craving Levelheaded
Explanation
Your uncle is hitting on
you, UNCLE, in his fashion - that is, the fashion of the tormented,
self-hating, conservative/religious closet case. If you don’t wanna find
yourself standing there with your uncle’s tongue stuffed in your mouth someday
- you’d be surprised how quickly someone can stuff his tongue in your mouth - I
would advise you not to spend another moment alone with your asshole uncle.
And, yes, tell your parents what he’s been doing. Because, UNCLE, if he ever makes a pass at you and a scene ensues - you scream,
you yell, you bite his tongue off and spit it out the window - your uncle is
going to insist that you made the pass at him.
I’m a 31-year-old gay man. My
boyfriend and I have been together for five years. We have enjoyed a few
threesomes with other men, so I assumed I could share a particular fantasy of
mine: I’ve never had sex with a woman and I want to.
I am not questioning my sexuality, I’m
not “bi,” I have zero desire to date women. But my boyfriend immediately
accused me of having issues with my sexuality, and after a two-week fight I
dropped it. Fast-forward to just before Christmas: I received a promotion,
moved to a new floor, and have my own office now - and one of my new female
coworkers has been coming on to me. First problem: She’s married, so that would
be crossing a line. Second, we’re coworkers and she has even more to lose than
I do.
Is there some other way - I already
tried the direct approach - to bring this fantasy up to my boyfriend again, or
should I just let it go?
Flirting With Danger
I’m shocked that your
boyfriend - a man who’s willing to share his boyfriend’s ass with other men -
would react so violently to your curiosity about lady innards. But seeing as
the direct approach prompted a two-week-long fight, FWD, I can’t imagine you
would have much more success with the indirect approach. (I can’t imagine what
the indirect approach would be.)
Since you’re not strictly
monogamous and the boyfriend’s not strictly rational about this, FWD, a case
could be made for satisfying your lady-innards curiosity on the sly and filing
the affair under “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” But I can’t think of a
worse set of lady innards to satisfy your curiosity with than this woman’s. You
could wind up losing your job and your boyfriend if the affair got ugly and got
out.
Wait, FWD, wait. In time,
some other gay-outards-curious lady will come along, and perhaps by then your
boyfriend will have come around.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at
thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
01.21.10
I have a problem. A key part of my
problem, I feel, is that I’m a recovering anorexic and I am still struggling a
great deal to eat normal and healthy portions of food. A friend and I have
recently become “friends with benefits.” He lives very far away, so we primarily
indulge through IMs. He knows I have issues with food, though he doesn’t know
to what extent. Normally, I try to be GGG, even trying out a bit of vore in our
role-playing and making it a regular thing since he really enjoys it. Recently,
though, he brought up adding pregnancy play to our games, and I’m terrified of
trying it. Just the thought of it is a bit triggering to me, and I’m so scared
that actually trying it will be even more triggering, not to mention my fear
that, once we finally get together again physically, he will want to indulge in
pregnancy play with me wearing one of those fake-stomach things.
Am I overreacting and should I just go
through with it, try it at least once? How do I explain to him that I’m scared
that something he finds exciting could send me right back into the starving
hell I was dealing with just a month ago?
Fearing Erotic Deeds
“Where to start?” asks
Brian, a straight, married Catholic guy who won the right to give advice in
this space at a charity auction. (Yes, yes: Writing an advice column is a
sacred trust - blah blah what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-Savage blah - and
letting some auction winner rummage through my e-mail is a brutal violation of
that trust, etc., etc., and I’m a bad, bad man, etc., etc.)
“That you are having
trouble eating anywhere close to normal shows that you have not fully recovered
from your anorexia,” Brian continues. “And that you’re worrying about pregnancy
play and its effects on your psyche tells me that you are not even in the recovering
phase yet. Pregnant does not equal fat. I’m not even sure that fake pregnant equals fake fat, but that is beside the
point. While pregnant women can become fat, and fat women can become pregnant,
the two have very little to do with each other.”
Let me break in here for a
second: Vore play, FED? Really? Is that wise? Vore, for the
uninitiated, is short for vorarephilia, which involves fantasies about being
eaten or eating. It’s hard to imagine a more potentially damaging fantasy
role-play scenario for a recovering anorexic than vore, for crying out loud,
particularly when that anorexic has only been “recovering” for a month.
“If strapping a plastic
baby bump under your T-shirt is going to send you back to Starvingtown, USA,”
Brian advises, “then you need to address these issues with professional
counseling. GGG or not, you are no good to your current FWB, any future ones,
or to yourself if you don’t get past this.”
Dan again: Frankly, FED,
I’d advise you to give sex a rest for the moment. You don’t have to be 100
percent recovered before you become sexually active again, of course, but I’m
concerned about your judgment and that your FWB - who knows that you have
“issues with food” - would pursue these particular fantasy scenarios.
My boyfriend and I have been together
for two and a half years. We have a really great relationship and we talk out
any issues that arise, but right now we have a problem that can’t really be
talked out. He has a really close female friend whom he supposedly has no
romantic feelings for whatsoever. I get along pretty well with her. But
recently, he has started to get our names mixed up. The first time he did it to
me, we were on the phone. He said, “I love you, [insert her name].” It was
upsetting, but I brushed it off as a one-time brain fart. But since then, he’s
done it a half a dozen more times. We’ve talked about it, and he says he has no
idea why he does it and that it doesn’t mean anything, but it still hurts me so
much when it happens. Is it possible that it really means nothing? How can I
just ignore it?
Hurt And Confused
“What’s the most you ever
lost on a coin toss?” asks Brian. “You are about to find out. Heads you cut him
loose and move on; tails you pass off his name switching as a brain fart and
don’t give it another thought.”
Brian isn’t serious about
the coin toss. I think. He just wants to draw attention to your predicament and
the choice you face. At least I think that’s what he means. Okay, back to Brian:
“Either you believe they
are just friends or you don’t. My suspicion is that you feel threatened by this
girl. The tone of your letter also implies that if you did pressure him, you
believe he would choose her over you. But maybe not - I really have no way of
knowing.”
And that’s what separates
the advice professionals from the auction-winning amateurs. Now, Brian’s a
lovely guy and he’s doing a great job - and he made a sizable donation to a
worthy charity - but advice professionals never let not knowing stop us from making
definitive pronouncements: Your boyfriend may have feelings for this other
woman, HAC, and feelings for you that are just as strong or stronger. Whether
or not you should DTMFA depends entirely on how strong your feelings are for him.
Okay, now back to Brian. It
turns out that he is serious about a coin
toss: “Go to the nearest vending machine,” Brian says, “and buy a can of Coke
for 75 cents. Use the quarter you get back for that coin toss. If you find out
later that your decision was wrong, then so be it. But to live in a state of
paranoia about a name slip seems silly.”
In your advice last week to Lonely One
Seeks Ties you said, “Munches are informal gatherings hosted by and for
straight folks into BDSM…” I’ve attended various munches on a regular basis,
and I’d have to say that over half of the regular attendees at each of them are
not straight. The folks at the monthly munch I attend include my Husband/Owner
(pansexual trans man), a gay male couple, a straight male/bisexual female
couple, a lesbian possibly accompanied by one of her female
partners/submissives, a hetero couple (at least as they present straight), a
single bisexual man, a crossdressing male, and a straight man with two bisexual
female submissives. Munches are for everyone!
Bad Dan’s Silly Munchconception
Sorry about that, BDSM.
I’ve actually never been to
a munch, and the people I know who go are straight or, um, “straight
presenting.” The fags I know into BDSM - hey guys! - have a much easier time
finding partners than my straight kinky pals, which perhaps makes munches less
necessary for gays, if no less welcoming of gays. Straights tend to be more
invested in “normal” - and quicker to freak out about kinks - than
proud-to-be-abnormal homos.
But I stand corrected: Munches are
for everyone. I should’ve checked with a regular munch-goer, and
someone really ought to punish me for screwing this up.
Any takers?
HEY, READERS: Why not be
like Brian and make a donation to a worthy charity? The people of Haiti could
really use your help. I made a donation at www.redcross.org. You should, too.
And fuck Pat Robertson and his vile, hateful, santorum-spewing mouth.
Find the Savage Lovecast
(my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
01.14.10
I am a 34-year-old straight, single
female. I have a fantasy I can’t find much about online, so I figured I’d ask
you for advice.
My fantasy is to be blindfolded, bent
over a table/couch/whatever, and fucked by whoever happens to walk by. I
realize this would have to take place in a safe environment, but most sex clubs
or parties tend to be for swingers, specifically couples. There’s a sex club
nearby that looks like it might cater to my fantasy, but can I just walk in off
the street and bend over? Do I need to go a few times first and talk to people?
That kind of kills the fantasy of it, really. Any advice would be greatly
appreciated.
Take A Number
You could probably walk
into a sex club and bend over - lord knows some gay men do just that - but it
would be a bad idea.
But you can realize your
fantasy, TAN, and here’s how: Most swingers clubs permit couples and single
women to attend parties (sorry, single guys). Go to a few parties, keep your
pants on, introduce yourself around, find a couple or two whom you click with.
Share your fantasy with your new friends and ask if they might be interested in
helping you realize it.
And your fantasy is totally
realizable - I’ve seen very similar ones realized once or twice - but the only
way to realize your fantasy safely is with a couple of trusted friends hovering
nearby. You need someone there who’s making sure that men who take advantage of
you in your bent-over-and-blindfolded state have condoms on and don’t attempt
to do anything other than what you’ve consented to.
Sometimes realizing a
fantasy requires a little suspension of disbelief, TAN, so you’ll just have to
pretend your guardian angels aren’t there watching out for you. And if part of
what makes the fantasy so hot is being a helpless sex object in a room full of
strangers, you can always go with your friends to a different sex club, one
where you don’t know anyone but that your new friends checked out for you in
advance.
I’m a single, straight guy who just
turned 30. Never had a serious relationship, had sex twice. Not for a lack of
opportunity, but I wasn’t ready for it emotionally until I was about 25. I’m a
good-looking guy with a good job. I’m funny, independent, and easygoing. But I
feel like there is a wall preventing me from having a relationship. Part of it
is that I like having my own space. I like solitude, but I feel like I could
let someone in my life and make time for her and go from there. And another
part of it is I cannot for the life of me flirt with a girl I find attractive.
I can turn a girl I’m not attracted to beet red if I have to, but I get
tongue-tied around girls I think are hot.
Now that I feel mature enough to have
someone in my life, what can I do to break down this wall I’ve put up to
protect myself?
Lonely One Seeks Ties
P.S. I should probably add that I’m a
submissive. Not that I’m looking to be emotionally dominated or anything, but
being tied up in a corner and only speaking when Mistress tells me it’s okay
sounds pretty awesome.
I’m glad you included that
postscript, LOST.
Google the term “munch,”
along with “BDSM” and the name of the city where you live (or the nearest big
city if you live in buttfucknowhere). Munches are informal gatherings hosted by
and for straight folks into BDSM; most are hosted by reputable BDSM or sex
clubs - Orlando Power Exchange, Los Angeles’s Threshold Society, Seattle’s
Center for Sex Positive Culture - and nothing happens at a munch. No sex, no play,
just conversation and lunch. You’ll meet other kinky straight folks who are
interested in what you’re interested in, and you’ll be forced to interact with
the women there - even the ones who typically leave you tongue-tied.
Serious question here: Does putting
toothpaste or Bengay or whatever else on one’s scrotum cause sterility or have
any other negative health effects?
Great Balls Of Fire
Um… nope. It would probably
be for the best if the guys who’ve posted YouTube videos of themselves putting
Bengay on their balls were all sterile, GBOF, but most will sadly reproduce.
I’m a pretty hairy dude. I like my
hairy chest. I like growing a beard in the winter. I like my hairy arms and
legs. The only place that I don’t like hair is my crotch. I shave my pubes
pretty regularly, but I have long, scraggly, gross hairs all over my balls,
which I could really do without. The thought of accidentally cutting myself
down there has been a pretty good deterrent from going at it with a razor, and
just the idea of putting some hair-removal product like Nair down there makes
me wince. I’ve poked around the internet and haven’t been able to find a real
satisfactory answer, so I thought I’d turn to my last resort: Is there a safe,
easy, relatively pain-free way to get rid of this unsightly hair?
Clever Nickname Up To You
Um… nope. Waxing is the way
to go, but it smarts.
Your advice for Seriously Troubled
Here, the MARRIED MAN whose WIFE made out with another man (who she CLAIMS was
gay) was the kind of knee-jerk anti-male bullshit and anti-male bias that
straight men have come to expect from therapists, advice columnists, and “sex
experts.” She gets drunk and flirts with other men and MAKES OUT WITH THEM, and
he’s the douchebag?
Fuck you and your misandry. Men
shouldn’t seek your advice because you’re clearly incapable of taking their
side. You may not like pussy yourself, you cocksucker, but you’ll take the
twat’s side every time. The world doesn’t need another asshole “advice
professional” who sides with the woman no matter what she does.
Men Against Dan
Excuse me? I’m the advice
columnist - I’m practically the only advice columnist - who doesn’t automatically leap to the woman’s
side in a dispute. I’m the guy who tells women that all men watch porn (so get
over it or get a dog), that oral comes standard (sucking cock and eating pussy), and that under certain circumstances a husband (or a wife) has a
right and a responsibility to cheat (just because you’re not interested in sex anymore
doesn’t mean he has to go without for the rest of his life). You won’t get that
from Prudie or Amy or Carolyn.
Sorry, MAD, and everyone
else who wrote in: I stand behind my advice to STH. His wife was apologetic and
recognized that her behavior would have to change because it was, at the very
least, deeply upsetting to her husband. She also confessed to kissing another
dude, a gay dude, two
years before they married, and he was having trouble forgiving her. If
the roles were reversed - husband kissed lesbian two years before the wedding
and wife couldn’t forgive and move on - you can bet your clenched butts that I
would’ve called the wife a douchebag.
For crying out loud, MAD,
I’ve told wives - and husbands - to forgive and forget infidelities. Did you really expect me to
tell STH to leave his wife over a kiss?
Find the Savage Lovecast
(my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
01.07.10
I am a queer lady in my 20s. My
boyfriend and I recently discovered that we are both into BDSM. We started with
some light bondage and spanking, added some role-play, and are moving toward
some heavier stuff. I’ve spent some time reading online BDSM erotica, and
here’s what’s stressing me out: I tend to gravitate toward stories that include
age play (underage girls with older men). I think pedophilia is wrong and
disgusting, yet I get off on the stories. I can’t stop feeling like I’m a huge
pervert. Also, what is a good way to introduce the idea of age play to my
boyfriend without sounding perverted? Is age play perverted?
Feeling Like A Pervert
You’re already doing BDSM,
FLAP, so it’s a little late to start concerning yourself with what is and isn’t perverted. I’m not saying that BDSM is perverted - it isn’t in my opinion - but
the kind of people who obsess about the supposed perversity of other people’s
sex lives regard BDSM as hella perverted, as the
kids were only too recently saying.
All you need to concern
yourself with, FLAP, is consent - obtaining consent before anything goes down,
maintaining a state of consent once things get going. So are you a consenting
adult, FLAP? Is your partner a consenting adult? Yes and yes? Then you’re free
to do whatever the hell you want in the sack - and that includes pretending
that one of you isn’t a consenting adult.
Adults can safely and
ethically explore through fantasy and role-play things that we wouldn’t
(because they’re wrong) or couldn’t (because they’re impossible) do in reality.
A nice girl who would never dream of ever actually owning a human being can
pretend to own a sex slave without having to forfeit her “nice girl” status; a
decent guy who would never commit the crime of rape can pretend to rape a
partner with rape fantasies without having to forfeit his “decent guy” status.
The same goes for age play, FLAP.
As for telling the
boyfriend about it without sounding perverted: Sorry, FLAP, can’t help you
there. It’s going to sound perverted - and sick and wrong - because the
scenario you want to explore is all kinds of sick and wrong. Just own it when
you tell him about it: “I know this is crazy and fucked up, but these stories
really turn me on.” You don’t want to fuck kids; you want to pretend to be the
kid your boyfriend fucks. He doesn’t want to fuck kids; he wants to fuck you
while you’re pretending to be a kid.
My roommate and best friend is a
good-looking, professional young man with a conservative sensibility and
traditional values. Recently, one of his married coworkers (an attractive,
bright, and sexy young lady in his appropriate age group) has been pursuing him
to have an affair. I’ve met her personally, and she’s a very cool girl. Confident,
socially graceful, and fun. She is currently in the process of legally
separating from her husband (her only sexual partner), who over the last year
or so has completely cut her off sexually.
My roommate is a good guy and wants no
part of a sexual relationship with her while she’s married. Even if she does
separate, he is worried about being a rebound and simply not wanting to deal
with the emotional baggage that comes with being her first sexual experience
outside of her current husband. I’ve told him to wait until she’s separated,
but then to go for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? He’s my best
friend, and I don’t want to see him hurt. I also know that she’s a cool person
who will be scooped up by some lucky guy if he doesn’t do the right things now.
Dude In Seattle
Let me see if I follow you:
If this woman were unmarried and unattached, DIS, your friend with the
“traditional values” wouldn’t have any problem fucking her? A point of order:
When did premarital sex become a “traditional value”?
Frankly, DIS, I don’t care
if your buddy fucks this woman or not. (I think he should; lots of rebounds
turn into wonderful and lasting relationships, lots of solid marriages had
squalid beginnings.) I’m just curious how we got to the point where anything
goes - premarital sex, oral and anal sodomy, multiple marriages (hey there,
Karl Rove!) - for heterosexuals and nothing is a violation of “traditional
values” so long as the fornicators are straight. How did we get to the point
where an unmarried straight man with shit on his dick and three different
women’s pubes in his mouth can claim to have a “conservative sensibility and
traditional values”?
How’d that happen?
As for your friend, DIS,
I’ve known a few guys who went on and on about how attracted they were to a
particular woman and how much they wanted to fuck her in all of her orifices
and eat her pussy until she came so hard she basically turned inside out but
just couldn’t bring themselves to have hot, premarital, heterosexual sex
because some technicality or other violated their traditional values. All of
those guys eventually came out of the closet. Just sayin’.
Could you wax philosophical for a
paragraph or two, Dan, about a column from a few weeks ago? I want to know what
makes Sexually Frustrated Fetishist’s preference to involve feet in sex morally
preferable to his partner’s preference not to do so? Why is her insistence on
her preference “selfish” while his insistence merely reflects his “sexual fulfillment”?
More generally, what’s the reason for your tendency to side with the person who
wants to do x, even to the point of encouraging infidelity, over the person who
doesn’t want to do x, when the more intuitive answer might be “Gee, maybe you
guys just aren’t sexually compatible?”
Skeptical Erotic Compromises
I don’t always side with
the kinksters, SEC. I’ve come down squarely on the side of the person who
doesn’t want to do “x” - I’ve backed women who didn’t want to cuckold their
husbands, and guys who didn’t want to have same-sex contact during a threesome
- on many occasions. But I do encourage people to be good, giving, and game
(GGG), which only requires us, as I’ve explained again and again, to consider our partner’s reasonable sexual
requests. I’ve never suggested that any and all sexual requests must be fulfilled.
I’ll wax now for a moment:
The odds that any one of us will wind up with a partner whose sexual interests
align perfectly with our own are essentially zero. Since no two people are a
perfect fit sexually, SEC, both partners must engage in a good-faith
give-and-take to craft a mutually satisfying sexual repertoire that doesn’t
leave either person feeling resentful or badly used. Does everyone get
everything they want? Nope. But each of us has a right to put our needs out
there and a concurrent responsibility to
meet our partner’s needs if at all possible. And each of us should have the
sense to pull the plug when the sexual disconnect is too great.
As to the particulars of
SFF’s case - what makes his request for foot action reasonable and his
girlfriend’s refusal to indulge him unreasonable - it comes down to just what
is being asked of the nonkinky partner. SFF is asking his girlfriend to kick
off her shoes every once in a while and allow him to treat her feet the way
another man might treat his girlfriend’s breasts. It’s not too much to ask,
SEC, and an unselfish lover wouldn’t regard it as too much to give.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at
thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
12.31.09
Set me straight. I married my wife several months ago after dating for
three years. Things are generally excellent, except for one problem: When my
wife gets drunk, she gets crazy flirtatious. She’ll dance close to people,
touch them, hold hands. A couple of times, I thought
it went too far and I told her she was making me uncomfortable. She claims it
is just harmless friendliness/flirtation and she would never let anything
happen.
Well, as it turns out, something did happen. After she was dancing,
hugging, and getting kissed on the cheek by a woman I think was a lesbian at a
recent party, it came out during the subsequent argument that in year two of
our relationship, she was high and dancing at a club with several gay men and she
French-kissed one of the friends. While she acknowledges that a line was
crossed (which is why she didn’t tell me when it happened), she says it was
just a very intense but regrettable “friendship moment” and nothing more. She
says this gay man is not bi.
I’m grappling with three issues: (1) Did she
cheat? Although we’ve never talked about the rules concerning kissing gay
friends, we both know she crossed a line (there was tongue). (2) How much did
she betray me by not telling me until after we were married? (3) Am I being a
selfish prude by caring about either her aggressive flirting or this kiss? She
is very contrite and swears she will calm down the flirtation. Should I forgive
her and move on? Or should I run the hell away before it’s too late?
Seriously Troubled Here
1. No.
2. Your
wife’s failure to disclose a single drugged-up, blissed-out,
pre-exchange-of-vows kiss shared with a gay dude on a dance floor - even with
tongue - does not constitute a “betrayal.” It constitutes an omission.
3. Yes, STH,
you are being a selfish prude, and
yes, you should forgive her.
The
aggressive flirting could be a problem - if your wife is flirting at all
aggressively. I’m wary of accepting your characterization of her behavior at
face value, STH, as your overreaction to the kiss leads me to believe that you
might not be rational about your wife’s behavior generally. Where you see
getting too near, dancing too close, and being too friendly, a slightly less
paranoid/controlling spouse might see innocent flirtatiousness. But if she
agrees that her flirting is indeed a problem - if for no other reason than it
bothers her husband - and she’s willing to tamp it down for your sake, you
should “forgive her and move on,” by which I mean “YOU SHOULD CEASE BEING SUCH
A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG about (1) the kiss and (2) the flirting and (3) the fucking
kiss already.”
That
said, STH, I wouldn’t want to be married to a man who claimed to love me but
couldn’t forgive me for something so trifling as a meaningless kiss. So I’m not
sure I’m doing your wife any favors by talking you off the ledge. Honestly,
STH, someone who is hesitant to forgive is hardly husband material. A
successful marriage is basically an endless cycle of wrongs committed,
apologies offered, and forgiveness granted, STH, all leavened by the occasional
orgasm. If you’re having such a hard time forgiving her for this piddling
“betrayal,” STH, you’re not cut out for marriage and your wife may want to run
away before it’s too late.
My husband and I have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when we’re
apart. A few months ago, I hooked up with a guy on a business trip who said he
and his wife have the same arrangement. He was lying. His wife found out and
started harassing me on Facebook. I truly feel horrible. How can I know if
someone is really in an open relationship when they say they are? I am so done.
Fucking Asshole Idiot Losers
The only
way to verify that someone is in an open relationship is to speak to that
person’s partner - and that would constitute “telling,” FAIL, and a violation
of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. But even a couple with a “please ask, do
tell” policy probably has a rule against 2:00 a.m. calls from drunken hotel-bar
pickups. So you’ll just have to trust your gut, FAIL, which failed you here. Just
remember this on your next business trip: The further a married person is from
home and the drunker that married person is, the likelier it is that that
married person is lying to you.
I’m a 17-year-old gay male. I’m into farts. It took me a while to come
to terms with that. I attend a moderate-sized high school where there are very
few out gay guys, so I’m desperately looking forward to meeting new people in
college. The thing is, I’ve gleaned from your column that my fetish is a
handicap. It was hard enough accepting that I’m gay and harder still to accept
that I have a fart fetish. Do I now have to accept that I will never be able to
go through the cycle of human sexual bonding in a normal way, since you suggest
that fetishists like me should stick to sex workers and online-organized
hookups with fellow fetishists?
I don’t mean to be combative. I’m just wondering what lies in store for
me and whether there’s any hope. I’m not a sick bastard in any way but this,
and it would be devastating for me to hear that I should skip dating altogether
and head to the chat rooms. I would be really grateful if you could offer me
some candid - but sensitive - insight
on this.
Help Out Pubescent Eproctophiliac
Here’s
what lies in store for you, HOPE: You’re going to meet guys online who share
your fetish. There aren’t tons of you out there, I’m
sorry-ish to say, so that means the odds are slim that you’ll meet a fellow
eproctophiliac living on or near your campus. And if you do find someone online
who lives on or near your campus who shares your kink,
the odds that you’ll be both physically and romantically attracted to him - the odds that he’ll be boyfriend material - are
slimmer still.
But rest
assured: People meet online every day - straight people, queer people, vanillas,
kinksters - and fall in love. If you do find someone online who shares your
kink and whom you click with, HOPE, don’t make the
mistake of ruling him out as a boyfriend just because you met him in a kinky
chat room. You were in that chat room and you’re relationship material, right?
And if you meet a fellow fetishist whom you’re really into who lives on the
other side of the country, well, that totally blows. But the rarer a fetish,
the greater the lengths a fetishist sometimes has to
go to find a partner. If you’re into him and he’s into you and he’s
relationship material, get your ass on an airplane and go see the boy. (Take
all the usual precautions - get his real name and real phone number, have your
first meeting in a public place, make sure someone knows where you’re going,
have someplace to stay, etc.).
You’ll
also be able to meet guys the normal way, HOPE - in your classes, in bars, at
parties, and via non-kink hookup websites popular with gay college boys. You
may wind up partnered with a guy who finds you so attractive that he’s willing
to indulge you. Or, like a lot of people with unique and/or challenging
fetishes, you may wind up in a long-term relationship with a loving partner
with whom you enjoy vanilla sex while indulging your fetish via online porn,
chats, webcam sessions, and, yes, an understanding sex worker whom you treat
with respect and overtip.
So
there’s hope for you, HOPE.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
12.24.09
I’m a woman who wants to be spanked. But I’m overweight and
self-conscious. Men who like to spank women like to spank petite women.
Sometimes I’ll search kinky personal sites or other online forums and find
someone who might want to spank me. But I get scared and I back out. Most
recently, I’ve been talking to a trucker who stops at rest stops along his
routes around the country and meets with/spanks women. He is patient and
encouraging, and has references, and has directed me to boards with all this
safety information, and insisted on getting to know each other via e-mail and
phone conversations before we actually meet. This makes me trust him and feel
better when I think about going to meet him.
But I still feel like it’s a very bad idea. Nobody knows I have a
fetish for this stuff, so I can’t tell anyone where I’ll be going, and I feel
like going to meet a stranger on a highway so he can beat me is a very stupid
thing to do. Plus, if he kills me, everybody will scream, “Well, what did you
think would happen!” at my fat dead body.
What do you think?
She Wants A Tanning
I think
meeting strange men in rest stops is a bad idea generally, SWAT, and meeting
strange men in rest stops for a beating seems like a particularly bad idea. There
are probably lots of decent and kind truckers out there, some of them kinky,
and they have just as much right to pursue their sexual interests as anyone
else. (And I’m going to be hearing from them after this column appears.) But
you are not the right person for a
kinky rest-stop hookup with a near-stranger.
This has
nothing to do with your size, SWAT, and everything to do with your self-esteem
issues and your isolation. I’m not saying this particular trucker is a crazed
serial killer or an abuser. But serial killers and abusers seek out women who
are isolated and have self-esteem issues, vulnerable women they can manipulate
and exploit. Until you can approach someone with some confidence and with at
least one confidant, you shouldn’t be making dates to see anyone.
Repeat
after me: “Some men like big women. Some men like spanking women. Some men like
spanking big women.” For those men, your big ass is an asset, SWAT. Also: “I
can’t meet someone for a kinky hookup—in a rest stop or a hotel room or
someone’s apartment—unless someone knows where I’m going, who I’m with,
and when I’m expected home.”
My boyfriend of six months has a weird dick-area odor. It’s worse after
a long day, but it’s there even after he showers. It’s this sickly sweet
rotting smell that makes it hard for me to give him oral. Even jacking him off
can be tough when I get a whiff. In all the years I’ve been sexually active,
I’ve never smelled anything like this. I wonder if it might be that he was in a
brutal car accident years ago that messed up his innards. He’s one of those
closed-off stoic types who hasn’t had much luck or help in life, including
follow-up care after the accident, and he also doesn’t take the best care of
his health—heavy smoker, doesn’t eat right or exercise (although no
drugs).
When we first got together, he seemed like a confident, happy, dominant
man, the first man of this type I have ever met who also treated me
respectfully. As the relationship wears on, I am finding that he is locked up tightly
with insecurities. He worries everything down to shreds and hates his job but
won’t leave it because “he helps people there,” despite being royally screwed wagewise. If it were one problem or the other, I would suck
it up for the sake of the most supportive relationship I’ve ever had. But iron
emotional control + horrible dick odor = I have to get stupid drunk to have sex
with him. Do you know what the odor might be? And should I wait to see if he
loosens up more with time (his request when I talk about the emotional issue) or
get on with my life solo?
One Dick Only Reeks
Our
bodies have two types of sweat glands, ODOR, eccrine glands,
which are all over our bodies, and apocrine glands,
which are concentrated in our armpits and crotches. Apocrine glands pump out ranker-smelling sweat, and these glands pump out more sweat
when a person is stressed out—and it sounds like your boyfriend is always
stressed out. And since the fluids that come out of our bodies—spit,
piss, come, and sweat—are composed of what we put into our bodies, your
boyfriend’s shitty diet and his cigarette addiction aren’t helping matters
much, either.
If you
love him, ODOR, be straight with him: If he wants to keep you in his life, he
needs to loosen up, improve his diet, and see a doc and a dermatologist about
the crotch stank.
I have recently been toying with the idea of doing electro stuff, but
I’m worried that it could get ugly. Suppose you have a battery-powered vibrator
in your ass and two of those electricity-conducting e-stim pads on either ass cheek. I have horrible mental images of the vibrator
exploding in my ass. Am I being completely irrational? I need a kinky
electrician to guide me! Thanks so much for all that you do!
The Electric Company
“He has
nothing to worry about,” says David, the mad genius behind SexTek,
which makes and markets erotic e-stim gear, and my
go-to guy for all e-stim questions. “The electrical
bits in the vibrator won’t be bothered in the slightest by the e-stim currents flowing nearby, and the vibrator won’t
interfere with the e-stim. Assuming your device is
made for use on the human body, the low power currents involved only stimulate
nearby nerves and muscles. The vibrator won’t be bothered at all. But make sure
you’re using a proper commercial e-stim device and read the manual. Most electrosex injuries occur when someone uses the wrong
equipment or improvises.”
Yeah,
yeah: The guy who sells commercial e-stim products is
telling TEC to buy a commercial e-stim product.
Anyone who thinks David is wrong—anyone who thinks exploring e-stim without first purchasing equipment designed to be used
for e-stim play—is welcome to stick the frayed
end of an extension cord up his butt and then report back to us about how that
worked out for him. The e-stim-curious with sense,
however, will take David’s advice and check out the products available at www.sextek.com
and those made by other e-stim companies.
Any last-minute Xmas gift ideas, Dan?
Nothing Under Tree
Sure,
NUT: Tinsel, my friend Hank Stuever’s brilliant and hilarious new book about America’s
Christmas present; Every Man Dies Alone,
a chilling 1947 novel by Hans Fallada about life
under the Nazis (Fallada was a German novelist who
barely survived the war and didn’t live to see his masterwork published); the
bondage enthusiasts on your list will love the hemp rope for sale at www.twistedmonk.com;
and the ET302R available at www.sextek.com makes the perfect stocking stuffer.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
12.17.09
I’ve been married
four years and have a beautiful baby boy with my husband. I enjoy sex a lot,
even a bit of BDSM. My husband, on the other hand, isn’t “driven by sex,” as he
likes to put it, and will try tying me up if that’s what I “really want.” You’d
think if he wasn’t driven by sex, the few times we did have sex, he would last
for a while, but he lasts at best five minutes. On the occasional blue moon,
it’ll be about 10 minutes. My problem is, all I can think about is getting
fucked by some stranger with no strings attached so I can get rid of this
heartbreak, for lack of a better word. But I always back out, because I don’t
want to risk my family or my husband’s happiness. I don’t want to be a cheater,
Dan, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life having missed out on my
“sexual prime” because my husband already experienced his. I should mention that
he’s 35 and I’m 23. I also have a few poly friends who are kinky, and they
preach to me that being monogamous is a mistake and I can seek out kinky play
with others without it being sexual. Please be as brutal as possible.
Permission 2 Explore
Please
Before I get to your question,
P2EP, a programming note: FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST! I’m suffering from some
sort of carpal-tunnel/repetitive-motion/too-much-beating-off injury, and it
feels like my right arm is on fire. Every letter I type sends a blast of white-hot
pain up my arm and into my head and FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST! Since I’m in a
great deal of pain here, I thought it only appropriate that I give the column
over to letters about BDSM. That way, someone - my kinkiest readers - can enjoy
my suffering.
Okay, P2EP, you have my permission.
Not to explore, as it’s not in my power to grant you permission to do that. You
have my permission to go and demand permission to explore from your lazy,
selfish, inconsiderate husband. Renegotiate your deal. You have needs, they’re
not being met, and he doesn’t seem interested in meeting them. Tell him that
you will remain sexually exclusive - only his cock gets near your holes (for
now) - but you want and need and demand permission to at least explore
erotic-but-not-fully-sexual kink with others. Sell it to him as something that
relieves him of the burden of having to do this stuff - kink - with you and/or
feeling bad about not doing this stuff with you.
I’m a straight man,
age 26. I was just dumped by a married couple. The wife was very sadistic, and
the husband did not enjoy pain. When we got together, she would hurt me (TT,
CBT, flogging) before fucking him. The wife asked if I wanted to play alone
sometime, and I said yes. When she asked her husband and told him that she had
already checked with me and I was willing, he said that I had violated our
agreement. It isn’t easy finding people into SM where we live - the Bible Belt
of Canada - and playing alone was her idea, not mine. What do I do?
Dumped Up North
You move. The husband is blaming
you because it’s less consequential than blaming the wife. But he’s clearly not
comfortable - FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST! - having your black-and-blue ass around
anymore, due to the wife’s actions, and so you’re out. Unfair, yes, but there’s
not a lot you can do about it. Besides move.
I am a 22-year-old
bisexual male who goes to a small, prestigious liberal-arts college in the
Midwest. I’ve had boyfriends, girlfriends, and one-night stands, but I have
never really felt like sex worked out as well as I imagine it could. I have a
dominant personality, and people tend to follow me. Perhaps for this reason, I
have fetishized submission. I imagine I would be into bondage and domination. I
think I am a bit more attracted to women and would love to find a woman who
takes a strong, dominant role in our relationship. I feel like I am always
expected to make the first move with women, which has led me to prefer hooking
up with men. I just wonder if there is anything I could do to find a woman
who’d be into dominating me.
I don’t really like
making the first move, but I’ve found just waiting and looking pretty doesn’t
work too well with women. Are there some ladies I could approach, and after the
initial flirting, the dynamic would change and they would take the lead? How
would I know who these people are?
Not Sure What I Want
There may be one or two young women
kicking around your small, prestigious liberal-arts college who fantasize about
taking the lead, about tying up and dominating their boyfriends, NSWIW, but
they’re not going to be tottering around campus in high-heeled boots and latex
and leather. And even dominant women who are out tend to observe/succumb to the
same cultural norms/practices that you find frustrating, i.e., they expect the
male to make the first move, even in kinky environments.
But back to the young women you’re
likely to encounter at your prestigious college: A lot of women with naturally
dominant and/or sadistic streaks - women who will one day really enjoy BDSM -
don’t realize it until that first submissive boyfriend draws it out of them. So
if you want to get tied up, pegged, and bossed around while you’re at college,
NSWIW, you need to be paradoxically assertive about your submissive tendencies.
You may have to ask four or five girls, or a dozen, before you hit the jackpot
(before you ask a dominant girl), but you will have to take the lead.
I am a 24-year-old
lesbian who has been out for five years. I am also hot, vain, in shape, and
kinky as all hell. I suppose I’m what you’d call a “lipstick lesbian.” In any
event, I like being thrown around, tied up, gagged, etc. One of my all-time
favorite fantasies is the lesbian equivalent of pegging, i.e., being done up
the ass by a hot woman with a strap-on. I like the vanilla stuff as well -
holding, kissing, cuddling, dyking it up - but what I’m really into is bondage.
And my last girlfriend dumped me when I mentioned that I liked to be tied up.
My question is, are there other young, kinky, sexaholic feminine lesbians/bisexual
women out there? Am I a complete freak? Or am I just being a sexually selfish
boor? Should I just try to let go of my kinks?
Domination Yearnings
Keep Encounters Stimulating
P.S. Thank you so
much for all the times you’ve emphasized that straight men who are into pegging
are just that - straight. It helped me to accept that my own pegging fantasies
don’t make me any less a lesbian, because so much of their appeal comes from
the fact that it would be a woman doing the pegging.
Only a small percentage of women
are lesbians, DYKES, and an even smaller number of that already-small number
are kinky. Your best strategy is to be out about your kinks from the start, so
that you don’t waste any more of your time and vanity-inducing hotness on women
who won’t tie your ass up.
And finally: FUCK OUCH DAMN IT
CHRIST!
Find the Savage
Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
12.10.09
I am a 23-year-old male who has been in a relationship with a great
woman for four years now. She is an amazing person, and we oftentimes talk
about marriage. The issue is this: I have a foot fetish and she is fully aware
of it. She doesn’t like the idea of me kissing her feet or indulging my fetish
in any way. We have sex quite often, and I’ve always let it slide that she
doesn’t want any part of my fetish. I don’t know what to do, because I’m at a
stage in my sexual growth where I need to experience my fetish. I’m getting
mixed advice from different people and I just want a straight answer. The sex
we have is amazing, but I would enjoy it so much more if I could act on my
desires once in a while.
Sexually Frustrated Fetishist
Here’s
a straight answer: Your amazing girlfriend is an amazingly selfish lover, and
I’m amazed that you’ve put up with her bullshit for as long as you have. A foot
fetish is not uncommon or outrageous; as fetishes go, SFF, yours is the least
taxing for a nonkinky partner. It’s not like you’re into shit or choking or
Christian side hugs. Any amazing woman who truly loved you would regard
indulging you as a no-brainer.
Share
time: I have a good friend who’s not kinky at all - unless you count being gay
- and he’s a runner who goes for long runs every Saturday morning. When he gets
home, he handcuffs his boyfriend to a chair in his kitchen, duct-tapes one of
his sweaty sneakers over the boyfriend’s face, and leaves him there while he
has breakfast. My friend - who came to me for advice when his boyfriend
confessed his fetish - isn’t really into guys with sneakers duct-taped to their
faces. But it gets his lover off, and isn’t that what lovers are for?
Your
lover has had things - she’s had you - on her terms for four years, SFF, which
means you’re going to have to play the breakup card. It’s the only leverage you
have. Tell her that if she can indulge your fetish - happily and regularly -
and take some pleasure in giving you pleasure, she might be “the one.” If she
can’t or won’t, she obviously isn’t. (Not that “the one” is anything other than
a destructive myth, but for the sake of winning this argument, go ahead and use
it.)
Finally,
SFF, don’t let the girlfriend - or anyone else - tell you that you’re
threatening to end this relationship over something trivial. Sexual fulfillment
is important, particularly if your relationship is exclusive. And the
“triviality” of your kink cuts both ways: If your kink is so trivial, why not just indulge you then? And
in a long-term relationship - or a marriage - one partner’s sexual selfishness
and another’s sexual frustration rarely prove trivial over the long haul.
They’re more often grounds for divorce.
I am a 35-year-old partnered gay man, but I’ve been having an online
conversation with a married bisexual man that has become an ongoing game of
sexual dares. It’s a safe form of sexual adventurism for both of us. None of
our dares has involved sexual contact with another person, but some of our
dares have begun to involve other people at the edges. For example, we’ve
posted ads to Craigslist as submissives and responded to some of the replies
from dominant men. None of these interactions with third parties will result in
actual contact. It feels a little like we are exploiting the “flakes” aspect of
Craigslist, i.e., it’s common to hear from someone a few times after making
contact on Craigslist and then never hear from them again. But it also feels a
little like we are using these folks. Is this expansion of our game to involve
other people ethical?
Concerned About Harming Craigslist Fellas
P.S. By the way, this letter is itself part of a dare. If you
publish it and include a dare in the published reply, I will have to fulfill
that dare.
The
expansion of your game to Craigslist will annoy those guys on CL who are
looking for actual contact, CAHCF, but as those guys amount to something less
than 0.02 percent of the men trawling Craigslist at any given moment, I
wouldn’t worry about it. Everyone knows that CL is overrun with flakes and game
players and picture collectors; the odds that the “dominant men” you’ve chatted
with on CL are interested in actual contact are pretty damn slim. (Guys
interested in real-time BDSM play are likelier to be lurking on Recon.com or in
your local hardware store.) So post at will.
P.S.
I dare you to go to www.tinyurl.com/ye3otsh and take the pledge.
I’m a straight guy in my late 20s. I have a girlfriend of several
years whom I live with and I love very much. I just read your most recent
column, in which you used the acronyms HND (honest nonmonogamous dude) and CPOS
(cheating piece of shit), and it struck a nerve. I have never been an HND; I
have in the past been a CPOS (though not in this relationship). My girlfriend
is lovely, supportive, and generally GGG, and though the sex is good, I have a
significantly higher libido than she does and I would like to have a little
more variety in my sex life. I want to be an HND, but I don’t know how to
broach the subject with the girlfriend without ruining our relationship. We are
very open about our sex life and our relationship in general, but I think this
is probably a “next level” topic that may not go over very well. How do I bring
this up without screwing up our relationship beyond repair?
Aspiring Honest Nonmonogamous Dude
Based
on what you’ve learned about yourself in past relationships, AHND, i.e., that
you’re a CPOS waiting to happen, I would encourage you to err on the side of
screwing up your current relationship with an honest conversation about your
mismatched libidos and your natural and normal desire for a little variety.
Lies, damn lies, and statistics all demonstrate that, in time, one or the other
or both of you will cheat. Better to toss that out there now, even at the risk
of calmly winding down this relationship before you revert to form/CPOS, than
to see the relationship explode after someone, most likely you, winds up
cheating.
And
while we’re on the subject of cheating…
I
suppose I’m obligated to say a few words about Tiger Woods. First, let’s
pretend that Elin Nordegren cheated
on Tiger and that Tiger went after Elin with a golf club. Would Elin be viewed
as the sole transgressor in the marriage then? Probably not. And second, daily
papers and cable-news outfits reacted to Tiger’s “transgressions” by changing
the names in the same “Why do powerful men cheat?” stories they’ve been pimping
since Bill Clinton blew a load on a White House intern. For the millionth time:
Men cheat for the same reasons women cheat, i.e., because they’re bored or
horny or unfulfilled or desperate to see someone else naked for a change.
People cheat because monogamy isn’t natural and we are wired to cheat. That
doesn’t make cheating right, of course; people should honor their commitments,
and blah-de-nine-iron-blah. But we shouldn’t encourage people to make
commitments we all know they’re unlikely to keep. The end.
AUCTION NOTICE: Want to answer a question or two in an upcoming
column? I’m auctioning
off a chance to give advice in this space to raise money for some worthy
charities. Go to www.tinyurl.com/SLauction for details and to bid.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at
thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net
12.03.09
I’m a longtime reader
who thought I’d never have a reason to write since I’m universally known as the
“good girl,” but I’m not sure who else I can turn to. I have a close male
friend. Even though I knew he was dating someone else, we became friends-with-benefits
several years ago. Because of his relationship (and the fact that he lives with
her!), I let him take the lead in setting up our rendezvous. Sometimes when
we’d be together, it felt like a booty call; other times, it felt like it was leading
to something more. He once admitted that if things were different, he could see
us together. He never really talks about his girlfriend with me, and a while
ago I discovered that while he was unfaithful to her, he had also been
unfaithful to me.
On to the point of
this letter: He recently proposed to his girlfriend. I’m happy for him if it’s
what he truly wants, but I feel like he did it out of desperation. All I know
is that there were some ultimatums involved. Here is my dilemma: I don’t want
to out myself, I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want to ruin our
friendship, Dan, but I feel like she has to know what her fiancé is really like
before they get married. I don’t see his cheating stopping just because they’ve
exchanged a few vows. Should I anonymously contact her and let her know that
her man is a cheating man-whore? Thanks!
One Of Many Other
Women
Gee… it must have come as a real
shock when you realized that a man who was capable of cheating on his live-in
girlfriend was also capable of cheating on the girl with whom he was cheating
on his live-in girlfriend. No one could’ve predicted, huh?
On to your question: I hate to
think of some poor woman marrying a cheating piece of shit (CPOS) - a CPOS is
not to be confused with an honest nonmonogamous dude (HND) - in ignorance of
his cheating-piece-of-shit-ness. It’s possible that the CPOS’s fiancée already
knows and has forgiven him; perhaps one of those ultimatums touched on
cheating. But odds are better that this woman doesn’t know, and someone really
ought to clue her in before the wedding. But should that person be you?
I’m not comfortable with your
motives, OOMOW. You may be known throughout the universe as a “good girl” - as the good girl
- but your actions prove that you’re something of a “bad girl.” And there’s
more: Your desire to destroy your FWB’s relationship proves that you’re
something of a “vindictive girl,” your attempt to pass your vindictiveness off
as concern for a woman you’ve repeatedly wronged proves that you’re a “self-deluding
girl,” and your desire to accomplish all of this without paying any price
yourself - you don’t want to out yourself or risk ruining your “friendship”
with the man-whore - proves that you’re a “selfish girl” and a “cowardly girl.”
Back to your motives: The reason
you want to do this anonymously is because your top concern is having the CPOS
all to yourself, and that means sticking a knife in his current relationship
without leaving any fingerprints. So it’s a good thing - a useful thing - that
you weren’t the only “other woman” in his life, OOMOW, because he’ll never know
for sure which one of his other women ratted him out.
Setting your highly suspect motives
aside…
If I were in the fiancée’s shoes, I
would want to know what was going on before the wedding. So I do think you
should tell her. But if you have any shred of decency - even the tiniest bit -
you will tell her personally, apologize profusely, and provide her with some
proof. An anonymous tip won’t cut it: A CPOS who has successfully hidden a collection
of other women from his fiancée will be able to talk his way out of an
anonymous accusation of infidelity. He’ll either claim the e-mail was sent by a
vindictive ex-girlfriend of his, which has the benefit of being very nearly
true, or he’ll claim that an ex-boyfriend of hers is trying to destroy her
happiness.
Finally, OOMOW, why do you want to
be with the CPOS? He cheated on his fiancée, he cheated on you, and he probably
cheated on the women who he was cheating on the both of you with. He’s a piece
of shit, his fiancée is a fool, and you’re a vindictive, self-deluding, selfish
coward. I’m not sure if you can all do better, or that any of you deserve
better, but I do think you should all try.
I’m a hetero girl in
my 20s. I love masturbating and find myself really good at it, but a lot of the
time I get nothing from hetero porn. Usually it’s because I can’t stand the
girls’ annoying voices. So I rely on gay porn instead, even when I’m reading
erotica. I tend to go for what you gay guys call “twinks.” (Who the hell is a
twink, technically speaking? Please don’t tell me it’s anything statutory!) I’m
not really concerned, I’m just curious: Is this a common problem? I now get really
intrigued when I meet gay guys in real life because I get off to so many gay
men in porn. I would love to watch two twinks in reality at some point, but I’m
not sure if any gay guys would ever be into that.
Twink Lover
Twinks are boyish gay men - boyish men, not
boyish boys - in their late teens to mid-20s with slim-to-slightly-muscular bodies and
relatively hairless chins, chests, crotches, etc. So long as you’re getting
your live-action porn from reputable porn sites and companies, TL, you don’t
have anything to worry about on the statutory front.
As for watching a couple of twinks
go at it, there are lots of bisexual twinks out there - perhaps you could date
one and have the odd three-way with others? There are also, without a doubt,
some twink gay couples out there as turned on by the idea of some straight girl
watching them go at it as you are turned on by the idea of watching a couple of
twinks go at it. And thanks to the World Wide Interfluffer, finding them - or
renting them - is easier than ever. And speaking of twinks…
However much Playgirl paid Levi Johnston for that
photo shoot, it wasn’t enough. Most people thought Playgirl - which ceased publishing in
print a while ago - was dead and gone forever. Prior to this photo shoot with
Johnston, who even knew that Playgirl had a website? Or that Playgirl had a publicist? A publicist who had this to say after the shoot: “We were talking in the greenroom about gay categories
- bear, cubs - and Levi asked what his type would be. We decided a twink, but
older, so we anointed him a ‘twunk.’”
I love the idea of a twunk - an
older twink - but Levi Johnston is 19 years old. How old is a twink supposed to be
if a 19-year-old is already an aged twunk? No, no: Johnston was never a twink.
He is a high-school jock - the hockey variety, to the delight of gear fetishists
everywhere - gone slightly to seed. But what’s more interesting than sorting
Johnston into his exact gay etymological category is watching Johnston, once a
major homophobe, become increasingly comfortable with teh gays. Celebrity - and
that’s what he is now - means having to hang out and work with (and work for) a
certain number of out homos. One of those homos no doubt explained to Johnston
that not many women would be masturbating to his pictures on Playgirl’s
website. It seems that homophobia is a luxury that Levi can’t afford anymore.
And, psst, Levi? If you did that Playgirl shoot only to drive your former future mother-in-law crazy - and if that was
your plan, kiddo, it seemed to work - imagine how much crazier she’ll get if
you do a little gay-for-pay porn. Just sayin’.
Find the Savage
Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net.
11.26.09
I am a 29-year-old single straight man. Over the
past year, I have become very close friends with a gay man close to my age. We
have a blast hanging out, and I value our friendship. Four months ago, he told
me that he had developed romantic feelings for me and said he needed a little
space to save our friendship. For a couple of months, we saw each other only
with mutual friends. Then we started hanging out again. It’s been great, and he
seems very comfortable with me again. The thing is, I am now experiencing a
sexual attraction to him. I have never been with a man and I am very attracted
to women, but it doesn’t bother me that I suddenly feel this way.
I have been thinking about asking him if he wants to
have a sexual experience with me. I think he would go for it. A long-term
romantic relationship with him does not interest me, but I do love him as a
friend and don’t want to risk losing that. Is it possible this could be just a
one-time thing that brings us closer as friends, or is it more likely to ruin
our friendship? He is the only guy I have ever been attracted to, and I want to
have this experience.
Straight Except For One Guy
While
you’re open to having a gay experience with your friend, SEFOG, he would
probably prefer to have a gay relationship with someone. The fact that he can’t
“have you” - i.e., you’re never gonna gay marry him - may make him reluctant to
fuck your ass. Having sex with you could obviously reignite feelings he made an
effort to squash to “save the friendship” - duh - and he may dread the feelings
of jealousy and inadequacy that could swamp him when the inevitable happens and
you wind up in a LTR with a woman.
All that
said, SEFOG, I’m going to share a little secret with you about gay men: We’re
men, real men, just like straight men. We’re good at having sex without getting
emotionally attached - some of us are a little too good at it - and a single
gay man, like a single straight man, rarely passes up a chance to get with
someone he’s attracted to, even if he wants more than that person can give.
About the only thing that gay men are better at than straight men - besides
deep-throating - is maintaining friendships with exes, one-night stands,
friends-with-benefits, fuck buddies, et al.
Lob your
balls into your friend’s court, SEFOG, and see what he says. You were able to
remain friends after he confessed his attraction to you, so I don’t see why you
won’t be able to remain friends after you confess your attraction to him.
I’m a woman with an extremely gorgeous, brilliant,
openly (mostly) gay friend who I’ve been having sex with infrequently but
regularly over the last six months. I know why I’m doing it: I enjoy his
company, he’s hot, the sex is incredible. But I’m not sure why he’s having sex
with me, a straight girl. The most I could get out of him is that he thinks I
have a “masculine sexuality.” I’d like to have a clearer understanding of where
our friendship/sexual relationship stands. I am a person who likes to talk
about everything, and he is not.
Confused Over Male Eroticism
I would
hazard a guess that your (mostly) gay friend is doing this - doing you - for
the same reasons you’re doing him: He enjoys your company, you’re hot, and the
sex is great. As for where you stand, COME, well, that depends on what you
want. Do you want hot sex with a hot guy every once in a while? Then you’re in
good standing. Do you want a relationship? Then you’re deluding yourself. Very
few gay-identified men are secretly closeted straight guys, COME. When a
bisexual guy identifies as gay, it’s typically because he’s not romantically
attracted to women. He can fuck women, but he doesn’t fall in love with women.
Most bisexual guys are the opposite of your (mostly) gay friend, i.e., they can
fuck men but they don’t fall in love with men, which is why most bi guys
identify as (mostly) straight.
I wanted to satisfy my curiosity of getting a
blowjob from a guy. I found one online willing to do the deed, and we met and
he started. After about 15 seconds, I stopped him. It was not for me and did
not feel right. Now, in reality, what are my chances of getting a disease? Low?
Medium? High? He did not use a condom. I know you are going to say to get
tested, which I probably will. But in your opinion, are my chances so great
that I should run to the clinic? Would it matter the time length of the BJ?
Say, if it were 10 to 15 minutes instead of seconds? Thanks for your time.
Sent From My iPhone
My
apologies to Jerry Herman: It only takes a moment to contract a sexually
transmitted infection you could have your whole life long, SFMi. If the guy who
blew you - however brief the blowjob was - had syphilis or chlamydia or herpes
or all three, you could’ve contracted any or all of them. You can’t contract an
STI from a guy who doesn’t have any STIs, of course, but what do you think the
chances are that a guy who blows strangers he meets online has an STI? Low?
Medium? High?
Go get
tested, SFMi.
I’m a 23-year-old lesbian who’s been in a
relationship with a bisexual woman. She’s always had a fantasy about
guy-girl-girl three-ways, so about five or so months ago, we decided to invite
her best friend, “Roger,” into bed with us. We’ve both been pretty happy with
the arrangement. At the start, I refused to have sex with him. But about two
months ago, I decided I wanted to try it, never having had sex with a guy
myself. I couldn’t get into it, so we stopped after two minutes. Since then,
I’ve missed two periods and done four home pregnancy tests - all positive.
How the hell am I going to break the news to my girlfriend? We used condoms! I’d like to keep the baby and raise it with my girlfriend, but we have been living with each other for only a year. And how |